The one thing I love about sD is that none of my friends read theirs anymore and go to their lJs Ahahaha so I can say some of the most private things in here without them knowing lol. But then again you never know...Eh. Anyways, lately I feel so "wanna-be emo" haha strange ain't it? I have been feeling moopy, or look it, thats what my bro tells me...I guess I'm just uber stressed out right now... My grades are not the best things in the world, and I have been trying so hard to bring my 2 F's into a higher grade, which I have! -Yay for Huwee!- But because I have screwed up so many times with myself, I dont think my Mom truts me anymore...and it kinda hurts ya know? I wish I had that trust back, but sometimes I feel like I'm being nagged at 24/7. "Go study! Your failing!" "Change your hair you look horrible" "Change the way you dress!" "Study study study, you need to comprehend more and use a bigger vocabulary" "No more music/ Turn off Music!/ " i dont know, at first It all seems like that at first, but I do know I should be grateful to have Mom that cares about me so much, but sometimes it's hard for me to understand, and whenever I try to stand up for myself, I feel like im disrespecting her, or I can see that look in her eyes...I don't know. I come to realize that I deserve all this, it's because of my actions i get myself into all sorts of things. I have no self control, I act on my first instinct. Lately it's been kinda freaking me out, like sometimes I have the urge to throw anger out at something, for no reason! Ahh! I dont want that...I guess I just got to calm down and pick up where I started "falling". I assume people think I have changed...a lot, and now i see that to, but you can't help change ya know? Everything changes, things never stay the same. For better or for worse. But in this case, I kinda think I have done for worse. I have been closing myself up a lot since my break up and Berto leaving and all. I dont like showing people how I feel. It makes me feel pathetic and whiney or self centered. I dont like talking about it anyways, all I can do is think "what ifs" or "If only!" I shouldn't do that though...Its unhealthy. So yeah I don't blame people if they think I have changed, all I want to say to them is sorry. I can tell that they know how things have effected me...I dont know, i feel so bad...i just feel so horrible inside. I need to suck it up and just act like myself again. If only it was that easy :0. Manny, my bro, has been great help. I love him to death. Yeah he keeps telling me to get over Berto and just go on. But of course its hard, I can't just drop it and walk like nothing happened. But then he keeps talking to me, and the more he does, the more I begin to understand ya know? I hate it when hes right though...so not cool. STILL! This is going to take a long time to get over...sorry bro..i cant just throw 6 months in the dumpster..it all ment to much to me...and him being gone just makes it a tad bit worse cuz I miss the lile son of a gun so much. Well yeah I miss my other friends that have moved away...but with him..it's different...I hardly get into contact with him..and with my other friend (Kaylee -Happy 8th!!!-) I always check up on her so that makes it easier for me ya know? Btw I can't wait till she comes and visits one day...we had Good times...Good times. OH yeah and theyre not the only people I'm missing...I'm trying to keep an eye out for my friend...John, he a internet buddy, a really good one. Very different but yet the same ya know? I'm just worried about him cuz I havent seen him only since I left for europe...and when i left for europe he wasnt in the best situations, and it worries me. I wish I could talk to him real soon, and we can catch up on things...that would be interesting, hope things are going a lot better for him, he really is a cool guy, aside from his maniac self Hahaha, dont know if he remembers but we are suppose to go shoot a squirell or something like that one day...Lol! Ah letting it out, makes me feel a lot better...my mood chnages a bit to..lol I should go dance around or something...Nah. So about today...It was effin hilarious! I dont have a 6th period so I go to Mr.collins room (whom I have in 4th period)and do whatever in there. I sit in an empty desk and the kid that sits next to me is so funny. Basically made fun of Collins the whole period...he does it so good man im surprised i havent like fallen off my chair laughing er something...well I think it's funny lol people look at me like..."yeah your dumb". It's great. Ahaha talk about total changing the subject huh?...Hahahahaha!!!...Guess its not so bad..i'm just an over exagerator... Well much love to ya all. And I pity the poor soul who reads all this xD! - Huwee