I had this big fight with my sister last night. She believes that because she's working that she has no time to call her father. But I know that she's not working all the time. I guess what I don't get is why she can't pick up the phone and call? It takes all but 2 minutes. On the way home from driver's ed one night after dropping Amanda off I had this discussion with my dad. I could hardly hold back the tears, even though it's not really my problem I felt terrible. He talked about how much he hurts him that his daughter doesn't even call. I kept telling him I would NEVER be like that, I would never be like her. And for me I have this weird feeling, this painful feeling. I guess it's just the thought. All these thoughts go through my head, like what if my dad was in the hospital would she even visit? I kinda played it out in my head as if it was happening and my reaction towards it. My reaction would be if my sister doesn't come visit her father in the hospital and he died (I hope the hell he doesn't) I would be soooo, I dont know.... I can't describe how I felt, but it was more than angry.... more than livid. I wish I could go back in time. Back when I was 4 or 5, when I could sit on my dad's lap, when he could tell me I can be whatever I want to be, back when I was scared my dad could hold me and I felt safe. I miss being called daddy's little girl, because now I'm just daddy's girl. I guess I feel the way I do because of stress and I am scared and I need those re-assuring touches. I'm scared of what lies ahead, my future, my families future. Example: ever since I found out that my dad has MS, I've wondered is he gonna live long enough to be able to give me away on my wedding day? Is he gonna be able to give me advise when I need it. Only time will tell I know, and that's what I'm so scared of. I guess I'm scared of life.

The last few nights I've been having these weird dreams, there all about my sister. To understand better, my sister left and rarely comes around unless she wants something or were doing something special. She doesn't even act like a sister. She is a bitch when she is with her friend Jessica, and she is a bitch; we've had many words. To me she's a gold diggin bitch, and she knows I hate her! So a couple nights ago I had a dream about my sister where she came over and I yelled at her, I told her that she was a fucking bitch and I hated her. I think I called her more names, but I'm not positive. The night before last I had a dream about her and called her a bitch for putting my dad through so much and told her I hoped she burned in hell. Last night I had a dream that I asked her to pick my friend Shanoah up and take us to drivers ed, she did. From there it went to the prom and asked her and my cuz Jay-Lee to go, they did. We were going back to Shanoah's house to get her shoes and her and Jay-Lee went to the store while Shanoah and I stayed there. They never came back, so we went to the prom by ourselves. Jay-Lee showed up at the prom without my sister. I asked Jay-Lee where she was and she handed me a newspaper that had an article that said she went off the road into the water and died. The weird thing was I was happy about it, I wasn't scared or sad. Is it possible that my inner conscious is catching up to me? Maybe I feel bad for myself or feel bad because of how much I hate her? I don't know, what do u think?

So much has happened. Tami and Stephen, they love each other soooo much, I'm really happy for 'em. Amanda is still caught up on Casey and she's starting to get to the point thats she's crying over him because he's leaving this year, but he hardly knows she exists, ok well I cant really say that because that's not true. She's asked him out, but he never gave her an answer. Me well here we go. I like or I should say am in love with this guy named Sam, if you go to GSA then you prolly know who he is. He's also leaving this year, he's amazing. He's really funny and I totally want to date him, but there's one problem.... we are closer than you think. We are 3rd or 4th cousins and not through marraige, but blood related. Now I'm at the point where I can't deal with this and I'm starting to cry over him.... I love him and it's in a non cousin way, but on the other side I have Josh and I like him too, but I know that we will never work out, he lives in Stocking Springs and I live.... well.... in this Hicktown, but anyway back to Sam. Today I've heard the name "sam" 3 times in store and everytime it makes me think of him, it's bad enough that I can't get him out of my mind for 2 minutes. I really want to go out with him, but I am definatly not gonna cross the line and become insest, that's just plain gross. He doesn't know that we're cousins either and that's pretty sad. The hard part will be when he comes back from IS and we're in class together and I don't want him to see me cry. Anyone got any suggestions to this BIG problem I have??

Have u ever dumped someone and then wish u didn't and u tell urslef that u hate him soooo much, but deep down u dont and it kills u knowing that he's with someone else? And that everyday all u want to do is cry, stop trying and possibly wanting to die? Well yah they always said that u dont know what u got until u loose it..... it's true I didn't know what I had until I lost it and now this someone is with someone else. Even though I don't want to see it I do, I see them walk in the halls together, laugh together, and touch, and when she's holding him, it's killing me, let my memory be the reason that he can't sleep and everytime he feels her touch, I pray to God it's not enough and that I've touched his heart so deep that he can't shake me because I love him. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

So wow so much had happened to me. My aunt tried to commit suicide by OD because of a guy and stress (got that), medics pumped her stomach and saved her. She was sent to acadia a few days later. When she was able to come home, D.H.S was called and they were gonna take away her kids because of her boyfriend (long story dont ask), so she dumped her boyfriend when she called him to call it off he was by the DeerIsle bridge and he was gonna kill himself by jumping...... but didn't (tried it because he had nobody his family dosn't care, she was all he had left), he was then sent to acadia. This guy is the uncle of one of my best friends..... so that made everything so much worse. He came home. So I'm sooooo scared that because of everything that I'm feeling between guys, school work, family and my social life...... that its possible that I might sink down to that level and right now I can tell u all honestly that all I want to do is sleep forever.... I'm tired of trying and being hurt, but the good thing is that I'm toooo scared that if I tried something like that that maybe I might be successful. I wish there was a way to shake myself up, to get so scared to relize how short life really is and maybe I wouldn't wondering what it's like to be dead..... I just wish I could be happy and love life.

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

hes not gay. the person who told me that just was mad because he dumped her a long time ago.

Im so sad...... i really like this guy at my school named tony and ppl keep telling me things. The one and only thing i care about most is that he is GAY. I just keep trying to tell myself that it's not true..... that ppl r trying to trick me and trying to upset me. i could for sure find out if he is...... my best friend is really good friends with him and she's gonna talk to him for me, but i'll just tell her to find out if he is really gay. Do u think i should find out for myself or tell my friend to find out?

have u ever gottin a carnation from a teacher that u dont even have a class with? I have i got a white carnation (secret admirer) from a 40 year old named nigel, hes the steel band teacher at my school. The worst things are that i have his class next year, all my friends make fun of me when he looks or walk by me, and it was on valentines day. He kinda creeps me out. One day i asked him if he had $.25 that i could burrow and he said anything for u. Is this completely weird or what?

Hey all whats up?! Well everything is slowly getting better. "Guy" has admitted that he does want to get to know me, but he doesn't want to do it in a dating enviorment....... a "neutral" enviorment. Part of me says this is never going to happen and when it happens what do i do? The thing is that im nervous and scared to be near him. I like him, but what would i say? what would i do? what do u think i should i do? by the way i cant spell or i choose not too.

Ok i like my ex-BF's best friend and he thinks it's comepletely weird..... i agree it is, but i cant help the way i feel. sometimes i wonder if he really truly likes me. He said he wants to get to know me and yet i've asked him to someplace w/ me and he doesn't want to...... if he really likes me wouldn't he want to get to know me? what do u think?

Time may take us apart, that's true But I will always be there for you You're in my heart, you'll be in my dreams No matter how many miles between I promise you that I won’t forget The day we met The sky may fall and the stars may too I will still Love you.

I told him how I felt. Every word is true. last night and every night I: I lie awake I drive myself crazy Drive myself crazy, thinking of you I drive myself crazy, Wanting you the way that I do.

Ok I really like this guy that uses this diary web site. He said some things that aren't true. I've asked him out, but he refuses to try this relationship. Should I really tell him how I feel? Respond with all your responce. This really sux! I really like him.