this is probably the one millionth sitdiary i've made. mostly because i can't seem to ever remember my passwords when i go through my periods of writers block. i sort of think online journals or blogging or whatever you call these, are sort of corny. but then again, i'm a silly girl. i figure my life is crazy enough, i could use the time to slow down and start writing again- get my thoughts in order and let things start to come together. i feel like i used to have handfuls of people that i could talk to about everything that's always going on in my head. and i'm sure i could still call on a few people to listen.. but to be honest, i don't really feel like sitting on the phone whining to someone like they're my shrink. so now i'm sitting here with a head full of thoughts that i've been storing up for what seems like forever. i love writing, it used to be my life, and i used to be awesome at it.. so i figure why not give it the old college try. -yeah, i forgot.. i dropped out.

i need to get my lazy ass back in school. i feel like i'm sitting still in life & not doing anything with it. i used to have fun, but now i'm a little sick of everything. new scenes always get old. and also, i've been sick for going on three weeks now.

the only thing i seem to take comfort in lately is the fact that i am making an assload of money.

i've been wondering if good things really do come to those who wait. i feel like i've been waiting a really long time to experience something like that, and so far.. it's just obstacle after obstacle. i'm not sure how long i've been in this funk of mine, but it's gone on far too long. i'm sick of being unhappy, or moody, or grumpy. i think perhaps if i got rid of every single male figure in my life, maybe perhaps things would be somewhat more simple. but no, i'm an asshole magnet. so here's another can of worms i'd like to open via sitdiary: aaron. now seriously, this is probably what's been under my skin the last few weeks. when i started working at zlt, i knew he had a girlfriend.. and it all started out as innocent fun with someone i may have had a little crush on. things got really intense between us really fast, while his new girlfriend was out sleeping with his ex girlfriend. apparently they were having a lot of relationship problems, which i guess didn't warrant a breakup. so i did that whole thing for a few months til he basically dumped me. then all the sudden, she's "engaged".. which he denied, and still does. now she lives with him and he pays her bills. but he still decides i'm this amazing girl he loves and thinks the world of. i don't get it, if you think i'm so sweet.. and i'm so much better than your girlfriend- then dump her. guys are so flippin retarded i don't get it. i swear, they're all out to hurt me. then i re read everything i just wrote and realize i have terrible judgment. really i should have seen all of this coming from the beginning. i'm just an idiot for thinking anything could ever be different. BLAH. when will i ever learn?

i won't get into how late it is.. but it's pretty late. my car isn't working and i feel trapped. much like i always do. it doesn't matter if i get a new job, group of friends, or move.. everything is the same. i just wish my life was exciting and filled with adventures and romance. my ex's neighbor/childhood friend came into my work today and was talking about how i've probably been cheated on more times then i'll ever know. like i don't realize how stupid and niave i was for two years- thank you for reaffirming the fact that i was in love with someone who didn't give a shit about me or anything i did for him. and i've been trying so hard to just be his friend and forgive him for all the terrible things he did to me. but it's always in the back of my mind. how can you ever forgive someone who thinks it's okay to treat people like that. how can you take advantage of someone who did nothing but give everything they had to you. BLAH. who needs love anyway? okay, i do.. here's what i miss: i miss summertime and driving along with the windows down singing songs to each other; i miss naps and waking up and knowing we could still fall asleep together; i miss waking up to a kiss, with arms around me; i miss holding hands and the way my head fits perfectly on your shoulder when we lay down. i miss corny inside jokes and movies and songs that remind me of you; i miss having someone to bake little treats for- just for the hell of it; and i miss looking into someones eyes and hearing 'i love you' and believing it.

my current mood is depressed, which is something that i am not often. but right now i am. i've been listening to love songs and thinking about everything that's transpired and i feel so sad. i haven't gotten sad enough to squeeze out a tear, but i feel like if i spend another minute wallowing in my lonliness, i'll be pretty much a wreck. i figured since i never had a boyfriend in middle school or high school, college would be good for me. and i guess in a sense it was, i met mike.. who i thought was great. and it was, for a few months. but then you come to find people aren't really who they say they are and the last couple years have pretty much been a lie. i question mike's feelings for me all the time. i wonder if he actually ever loved me, or if he just loved the idea of someone adoring his every move. he had me wrapped around his finger and completely manipulated which he used to his advantage. i never hurt him once. not even in the slightest bit. and he did nothing but break me down for two years before he finally decided he'd had enough torturing me. i see him now, after all the damage has been done and the wounds have started to heal.. and he still tries to play me with that casanova bullshit he calls game. anyway, he hurt me.. and bad. and i'm really pissed about it because i don't see where people get off hurting innocent people for fun. i feel like it's an olympic sport i may have not been informed about. and there's alot of people out there who just go running around breaking hearts for fun. and if you're one of those people reading this, go fuck off. but i digress. i'm just sad because i feel like i deserve the chance to be disgustingly and ridiculously cute with. i'm sick of not having someone to wake up next to in the morning, or go out places with, blahh just everything. i feel like i'm always going to end up alone no matter what. i have the worlds worst judgment, time, and luck with guys in the whole entire world. it's so stupid.. i'm always single or caught up in some torrid love affair or raunchy hookup. and i'd like to think i'm a little better than that. blah, i'm just the nice girl that always finishes last :(

now, i know i shouldn't live in the past and i'm trying not to.. but i am SOOOOOO bothered by my ex boyfriend. what bothers me is that he is treating his new girlfriend the EXACT way he treated me, which in smoke and mirrors is great. HOWEVER.. what goes on behind closed doors is a different story. now i'll admit that i am disgusted with myself for sleeping with him when i knew he had a girlfriend, and it was wrong wrong wrong. finally i come to my senses and put an end to any sort of sexual relationship a week after they got back from a vacation to hawaii. and after like two weeks of not sleeping with him when we hung out, he drops the 'i broke up with her' bomb- which i knew was bullshit. i've tried to take the high road and let the new girlfriend know exactly what's going on [subtly] but if i know anything about anything, it's that she isn't going to believe me no matter what i say, and i'm just going to look like the jealous ex girlfriend. and trust you me, i am FAR from jealous. so that's what happened.. i made an ass out of myself for trying to help someone and save them everything that i went through. i'm just very disgruntled that someone i "loved" and believed was 100% loyal to me.. could cheat on his new girlfriend, who he says he "loves", with me. it just reaffirms every suspicion i ever had. not that the numerous emails from random girls telling me they were either dating or sleeping with him would have given it away, and surely not the naked pictures of his "friends" he had stored on his computer, and most especially not the underwear i found in his bed when cleaning it. PUH. i'm glad he is out of my life and hopefully it is for good. who wants to be friends with someone who did nothing but make you feel small and wrong about everything anyways?oh well, i guess i just hope karma really does exist and he gets what's coming to him in the end. i tried. :/

i'm being so unproductive that it's not even funny. how am i supposed to get anything done when i work six days a week and all i do is sit around when i have the whole day off. oh well, at least i paid my cell phone bill. oh.. and i also put air in my tire. go me!!

i'd like to think i'm a pretty awesome girl, for no particular reason; i am just overly fond of myself at times. anyways, i'm a really friendly girl and i'm pretty much nice to anyone. i hardly get into fights with anyone because i know when to stand up for myself and when to keep my mouth shut. i want to do 390842829 things with my life; at my best, i'm extremely ambitious and set high goals for myself. at my worst, i'm pretty much the laziest person ever. which is sort of where i find myself now. i wish most of the time i was back in school, the other 30% of the time i enjoy sleeping in and not stressing over a $200 math book or cramming for tests in between working 40 hours a week. so yeah, i'm always working.. mostly because i can spend money like nobodys business. i'm at a point in my life where i couldn't be more over guys and all the stress they bring. i used to believe in marriage and true love and soulmates, but after going through 2 years of torture with my ex boyfriend, on top of all the other failed attempts at finding someone genuine, i've lost a little hope. i believe nice guys exist, i just think they are few and far between and i'll probably be one of those girls who is 'focusing on her career' until she is 65. which sort of works out because i probably won't have a job until i'm 30 because i want to be a doctor. and i've only got 2 good years of college behind me. i feel like i'm only 20 and i still don't have enough time to do everything i want to before i die. i have a large fondness for music, mostly rock : ) but i appreciate everything. i would love to travel the world and i WILL visit antarctica for a day, because that would be awesome. i love fashion, with my last dying breath. and i'd consider selling my first born for the perfect pair of heels. i'm a bit sarcastic, and inappropriate. i think the show intervention is funny. and admit it, alcoholics can be. i have absolutely NO game, and i'm always every guys best friend- not the girlfriend. i have one obsession in life and that is redbull. straight up, no jager cause that shit is gross. i take a lot of pictures, none of which i smile in because i HATE my smile. so you'll see me sport the kissy face on most occasions.