Whoa, haven't been here in ages...this is where you can find me now.. lazyhaiti18.blogspot.com

"The whiter the gown, the happier the husband" ~Robertson McQuilken Bascially the more pure and righteous the gown of the bride (us) the happier the husband (God) will be... I want to make my gown more pure and white than it has ever been... Also I think this can apply to our husbands we marry here on earth...I think that they will appreciate the fact that we have left our gowns the brightest of whites just for them. God will bless that.

A bunch of mixed emotions going on today... I feel great one minute, feel like junk the next...I have been sick so maybe that is playing into it...I'm like an emotional rollercoaster I swear...I'm also PMSing so that could explain a lot... My faith shifts every moment....I truly believe everything will be great at one point and the next I think I see my future going down the hole.. Why am I so freakin itimidated? I shouldn't be...atleast for the most part I don't think I should be. I have no clue whats going on anymore, whats going to happen...I know what I hope for and believe should happen, but I guess I'm not spending enough time praying about it...making sure that its not just my will...I could do more.... (minutes later) ...I prayed a bit, told God about all the things I'm frustrated with, all the things I want to change...its so hard. So hard to give up control, so hard to let go, so hard to be patient and so hard to understand.....but all these things I've asked God to take away from me...for Him to actually handle them. I know that now that I did that, things will be okay, He has my best interest at heart. I read a quote about love and it is completely true... "To aim at love instead of being loved requires sacrifice. Love reaches out, willing to be turned down or inconvenienced, expecting no personal reward wanting only to give." I'm finding it hard to live up to this...its so hard to sacrifice, I feel I have sacrificed so much already...but I need to be willing to put things before me and love with all that I am. Even if that means not getting my way. I feel better now, I know that it will be okay and I know that if I continue to grow and bring things to God it only leaves room for improvemtent... Its a hard road ahead...but the end of it is beautiful and amazing

Lord....Why can't your timing be now? Why do I have to beat myself up over this junk? Why does he let stuff get to him so easily? Wait....why do I let stuff get to me so easily???..... Is this your will or am I too blinded by my own ambitions and desires?..... I really do believe its your will... You have only shown me confirmation for this to work out, yet I am still scared of being wrong...this is deffinetly a situation that no one would want to be wrong about... Would it be okay if your will is worked out sooner than later? That would be great!... Please just speak to us all...I'm trying so hard, but I don't know how much more I can take mentally, emotionally and physically... Then again...I know You will get me through and I really truly know and believe that this is all worth it... I need to give up this control and be okay with it...Its like, I love him so much and so because of this, I want to hold on as tight as possible...and because I love him so much I fear that you will take him so far away from me...that it is too good to be true Forgive me Father for still lacking so much faith It'll get better right?

You need a friend I'll be around Don't let this end Before I see you again What can I say to convince you To change your mind of me? I'm gonna love you more than anyone I'm gonna hold you closer than before And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free I'll be free for you anytime I'm gonna love you more than anyone Look in my eyes, what do you see? Not just the color Look inside of me Tell me all you need and I will try I will try I'm gonna love you more than anyone... ******************************************** This is what I want you to be able to see in me.. I want you to be able to trust me... This is what I'm starting to work on..but as you know all about processes, this is going to be one...I need God to work in me so that I can be everything you need.... I want to be able to be and do what you say you need me to...I want to be that one person that believes in you... as the line says:I don't know what I can do to convince you to change your mind of me. I don't know what I can do for you to believe me... I guess this applies to me too. You are getting so frustrated because you don't know how to prove to me that you will do what is supposed to be done...and You shouldn't have to prove that anymore, You have done it completely... its my own junk I need to work out, not you. You of all people should understand about things of the past that you are just not used to being able to trust..this is what that is... So therefore, I am going to take this time to be completely devoted to God working in me..because I love you that much... by me doing this, I am making sure that I can be truthful in saying that I'm going to love you more than anyone....

God, I need you so much right now....Why am I lacking so much faith? Why is it so hard to let go and trust that you will get this done? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why am I still lacking faith in him? He's proved himself completely...yet, I can't bring myself to do it.... and I know that hurts him...that is the last thing in the world I want to do... Why am I having such a hard time understanding this? Understanding the pain they are going through...I feel so selfish, Lord. I feel like I just want it to be over with so I can be happy and be who I want to be...yet, I don't feel good about it. Please Lord, help me to be what I need to be..I struggle in this so much... I feel like a failure, that I only let everyone down...I haven't given him any reason to have faith in me and it kills me so much for him to be dissapointed....and I try, I try so hard to undestand this, so hard to be sensitive, to be a rock...and then I get so upset and discouraged when He's in pain, because 1)He's hurting and I wish I could take it all away and 2) because I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose him...He's my everything........ Lord, Please forgive me for my selfishness, for wanting to control this situation...I pray that you can give me the strength to follow your ways and act as if I want your ways, because in all honesty, as selfish as I am, I want your ways more than anything else...please help me to live that... Please help him to stay firm, please dwell in him and give him Your strength.. Comfort her and let her know You are here... I know that I need to trust you in this, for if I don't, I'm going to knock myself short of the blessings when you are done.... I will rest in this.. "it hurts... but the pain fades, and the beauty remains" You are amazing God..Thankyou for your Grace -Me

I'm having a lot of hope ...I just pray its not too much... I don't want to get hurt again....

What would you do if I asked you..... To marry me?? :0)

Am I setting myself up again???

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago Hoping I would find true love along the broken road But I got lost a time or two Wiped my brow and kept pushing through I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you That every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you I think about the years I spent just passing through I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you But you just smile and take my hand You've been there, you understand It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true Every long lost dream led me to where you are Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you Now I'm just rollin' home, into my lovers arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Today was okay....better than most days...talked a lot with one of my friends that I haven't see in awhile...Glad she's doing well, was starting to worry about her.... picked up on a couple of things, I REALLY feel ha ted right now...I can tell it...I have a lot of hatred and anger coming at me right now...but i guess I'm getting back what I give off as well Been told that I've been rebeling...Guess it shows my pain a little, ya know? Can't wait to get help..I realize I need it... Don't ha te me please...as much as I hurt, I dont ha te you...I care for you very much

Seems just like yesterday, you were a part of me I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep I’m barely hanging on Here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes I told you everything, opened up and let you in You made me feel alright, for once in my life Now all that’s left of me, is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep I’m barely hanging on Here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you wont get to see the tears I’ve cried Behind these hazel eyes Swallow me, then spit me out For hating you, I blame myself Seeing you, it kills me now No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore Anymore Here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you wont get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes

Time and time again, when tears and sorrow are talked about in the Bible - ALWAYS on the flipside is joy. So you may be hurting... you may be crying... but hang on, because God's promised you the flipside. (thanks Rachel!)

"do what you gotta do, I don't care what it is and I don't want to care anymore. if it will glorify your kingdom, then do it, you know i'll abide, so do what you gotta do" that may be dangerous, but I feel a lot better about what has been going on, and I'm okay, and i know that God is doing things the way he is for a reason even if I think its a really hard and weird way of accomplishing his will, I'm fine with it, cuz i know the end result will benefit me better than i can imagine I still really hurt a lot...I feel like what I believed in was broken and shattered and I don't know if that can ever be put back together...in all honesty, I'm not sure if it should be... Its okay, God is healing my pain...He's the one I need to turn to, which means I need to turn away from others.... I'm now more than ever commited to His will, and I mean that with all that is in me...But no matter how it is..I still think the same and feel it... I know I said it...but when I think about it more and more...I don't think I could ever be a sister again...I'm so sorry...

Lord, take my life and make it wholly thine Fill my poor heart with Thy great love devine Take all my will, my passion, self and pride I now surrender, Lord - In me abide

Don't worry about the wicked. Don't envy those who do wrong. 2 For like grass, they soon fade away. Like springtime flowers, they soon wither. 3 Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. 4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires. 5 Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. 6 He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. 7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. 8 Stop your anger! Turn from your rage! Do not envy others- it only leads to harm. 9 For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land 18 Day by day the Lord takes care of the , and they will receive a reward that lasts forever. 19 They will survive through hard times; 23 The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. 24 Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand 28 For the Lord loves justice, and he will never abandon the godly. He will keep them safe forever, 34Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along his path. 37Look at those who are honest and good, for a wonderful future lies before those who love peace. 38 But the wicked will be destroyed; they have no future. 39 The Lord saves the godly; he is their fortress in times of trouble. 40 The Lord helps them, rescuing them from the wicked. He saves them, and they find shelter in him.

I NEVER want to hear that song again.. Ever.. It's a lie ...everything was

He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme, I know He's as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold If I try to save him My whole world would cave in It just ain't right, Lord it just ain't right [chorus] Oh, and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Lord, would it be beautiful Or just a beautiful disaster He's magic and myth He's strong as what I believe A tragedy with More damage than a soul should see But do I try to change him So hard not to blame him Hold me tight, baby hold me tight Oh, and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful Or just a beautiful disaster I'm longing for love and the logical But he's only happy, hysterical I'm searching for some kind of a miracle Waiting so long I've waited so long He's soft to the touch But frayed at the end, he breaks He's never enough And still he's more than I can take Oh, and I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful He's such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful Or just a beautiful disaster He's beautiful Lord, he's so beautiful He's beautiful