Kim is gonna be fine. She got back saturday night. Her mom hates me though but I don't mind. At least she's alright and hopefully things will start to get back to normal with everyone.

A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful. Is this a test? It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on. Draining patience. drain vitality. this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old. But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here. But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here. I'm gonna wait it out If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now. I'm gonna wait it out If there were no desire to heal The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now. I still may. And I still may. Be patient. I must keep reminding myself of this... If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now. And I still may. And I still may. And I still may. I'm gonna wait it out. I'm gonna wait it out. Gonna wait it out. Gonna wait it out. -Tool

i dont ever remember feeling this horrible. it was all my fault in the first place.... not hers.

Your life slowly bleeds helplessly I stood by I just can't believe these things have happened to you and me I thought you were safe while I was away it's what kept me going from day to day But I was to late you had already gone caught in a tragic fate just keep holding on I should never have left on that perfect day when our lives came crashing down and I'm the only one to blame I can't hold back now the pain I hide away I can't go on without seeing you another day Wish I could reset like the games we always played but life it seems is a little harder than that time starts slipping away as my heart starts to crack you seem so far away when are you coming back I miss you more than ever these pictures that I have are memories that last forever -To Kim (I miss you and hope to see you soon)

If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me? For I must be travelling on, now, 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see. But, if I stayed here with you, girl, Things just couldn't be the same. 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you can not change. Lord knows, I can't change. Bye, bye, its been a sweet love. Though this feeling I can't change. But please don't take it badly, 'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame. But, if I stayed here with you girl, Things just couldn't be the same. Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you'll never change. And this bird you can not change. Lord knows, I can't change. Lord help me, I can't change.

....so this what 5:29 feels like.

Nevermind i am going back to arkansas. kinda have to, even though it hurts so bad to do it. Sorry to those that find out about this through a computer screen first. love you guys for always being there for me, at least the few that were... thanks for the good times. love you guys

Days are numbered 6-6-6 And I'll begin the countdown By calling off the circus somewhere in these Cryptic scriptures I'll find myself drifting in a sky Full of... Scars they cut into you Blisters rose colored hue Mayday we're going down These mescaline memories are morose Your kerosene company is comatose Our days are numbered 3-2-1 And when you bit the bullet I held the smoking gun Somewhere in these Violent volumes I'll find myself drifting in a sky Full of... Scars they cut into you Blisters rose colored hue Mayday we're going down These mescaline memories are morose Your kerosene company is comatose And I would sick up half of my cold eye To set you on your head If I were you then I would memorize This loose lipped lullaby Instead of waiting Carving out your own Scars they cut into you Blisters rose colored hue Mayday we're going down Follow we went around Scars they cut into you Blisters rose colored hue Mayday we're going down These mescaline memories are morose Your kerosene company is comatose -Vendetta Red-

I hope this old train breaks down Then I could take a walk around And, see what there is to see And time is just a melody All the people in the street Walk as fast as their feet can take them I just roam through town And though my windows got a view The frame im looking through Seems to have no concern for me now So for now I need this here Old train to breakdown Oh please just Let me please breakdown This engine screams out loud Sayin the beat gunna crawl westbound So I dont even make a sound Cause its gunna sting me when I leave this town All the people in the street That i'll never get to meet If these dont bend somehow And I got no time That I got to get to Where I dont need to be So I I need this here Old train to breakdown Oh please just Let me please breakdown I need this here Old train to breakdown Oh please just Let me please breakdown I wanna break on down But I cant stop now Let me break on down But you cant stop nothing If you got no control Of the thoughts in your mind That you kept in, you know You dont know nothing But you dont need to know The wisdoms in the trees Not the glass windows You cant stop wishing If you dont let go But things that you find And you lose, and you know You keep on rolling Put the moment on hold The frames too bright So put the blinds down low I need this here Old train to breakdown Oh please just Let me please breakdown I need this here Old train to breakdown Oh please just Let me please breakdown I wanna break on down But I cant stop now -Jack Johnson-

Well it seems that i must make a life changing decision again.... AGAIN! I could stay in Evansville and live in a different home or move back to Arkansas with my grandparents. Ive already moved back and forth twice to change my life for the better and each time my plan goes to shit. I know if i leave for Arkansas i wont see some of my most of my friends ever again and yet it would be selfish of me not to go cause of the state my grandparents health. I just dont no what 2 do. Furthermore the cops would watch my every move due to my criminal history in AR. Court has granted me permission to come back but not 2 leave at least till im 18. I dont know who 2 turn 2 for help. Ive got 24 hours 2 decide. enlighten me... sum1

When passion's lost and all the trust is gone, Way too far, for way too long Children crying, cast out and neglected, Only in a world so cold, only in a world This cold Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes Then watch them drift away Some might say, we've done the wrong things, For way too long, for way too long Fever inside the storm, So I'm turning away. Away from the name (Calling your names) Away from the stones (Throw sticks and stones) 'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us Keep your thorns 'Cause I'm running away, Away from the games (Fucking head games) Away from the space (Hate this head space) The circumstances of a world so cold burning whispers, Remind me of the days, I was left alone, in a world this cold Guilty of the same things, provoked by The cause, I've left alone, in a world so cold Fever inside the storm, So I'm turning away. Away from the name (Calling your names) Away from the stones (Throw sticks and stones) 'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us Keep your thorns 'Cause I'm running away, Away from the games (Fucking head games) Away from the space (Hate this head space) The circumstances of a world so cold I'm flying, I'm flying away, Away from the names (Calling your names) Away from the games (Fucking head games) The circumstances of a world so cold Why does everyone feel like my enemy, Don't want any part of depression or Darkness, I've had enough sick and tired, bring the sun, or I'm gone, Or I'm gone I'm backing out, I'm no pawn, No mother-fucking slave to this, Never lied Never left Never lived Never loved Never lost Never hurt Never worry about being me, or anyone else Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about Anything Backing out, giving up, no mother-fucking Slave to this, Never lied Never left Never lived Never loved Never lost Never hurt Never worry about being me, or anyone else Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about Anything, I need to find a darkened corner, A lightless corner, Where it's safer and calmer, I'm turning away. Away from the name (Calling your names) Away from the stones (Throw sticks and stones) 'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us I'm running away, Away from the games (Fucking head games) Away from the space (Hate this head space) The circumstances of a world so cold I'm flying, I'm flying away, Away from the names (Calling your names) Away from the games (Fucking head games) The circumstances of a world so cold....

man... my whole weekend was devoted to music. last thursday went to see Gwar in louisville, which fucking rocked. (crowd surfed three times and got murdered in the face by a security guard when i was thrown on stage) then i seen cresten and his band play friday, well i didnt exactly see them play cause at the time i was out making runs for people, but i was there so blah. Saturday seen a local metal band show at 1123. (one of the bands was a cover band and they did sum Pantera, Chimira, and a couple of Slipknot songs including "surfacing") Sunday i played with an old guitarist of mine and rocked out a couple of Murderdolls songs at a friends birthday. "dead in hollywood" and their cover of "white wedding". so all in all it was a pretty good weekend and i hope 2 c Gwar again. god they rocked.

No worries guys.... thats what i have.... .....no worries.

I've met some people along the way, some of them split some of them stay, some of them walk some walk on by, I've got a few friends I'll love till I die From all of these people I try to learn, some of them shine some of them burn, some of them rise some of them fall, for good or bad I've known them all We live our life in our own way, never really listened to what they say, the kind of faith that doesn't fade away we are the true believers well you can fight or you can run, under a rock till the war is won, play it safe and don't make a sound, but not us we won't back down true believers all the way, you and I (This song is dedicated to all the people that have influenced my life and made me what I am today. Thanx for the good times)

Hey you ! out there in the cold Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me Hey you ! Standing in the aisles With itchy feet and fading smiles, can you feel me Hey you ! don't help them to bury the light Don't give in without a fight. Hey you ! out there on your own sitting naked by the phone would you touch me Hey you ! with your ear against the wall Waiting for someone to call out would you touch me Hey you ! would you help me to carry the stone Open your heart, I'm coming home But it was only a fantasy The wall was too high as you can see No matter how he tried he could not break free And the worms ate into his brain. Hey you ! out there on the road Always doing what you're told, can you help me Hey you ! out there beyond the wall Breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me Hey you ! don't tell me there's no hope at all Together we stand, divided we fall.

Open your mind let the energy flow through you feel it pull you along the four roads to a place youve seen but never really known And the birds above sing a song with every step the beat of wings harmonize with the sound of swaying trees Then night turns to day to night again but we find ourselves lost in the twilight and where we go from here is decided with a flip of a coin To reach understanding you must see past the wall then open the door and see the world for what it really is close it behind you to suspend yourself in emptiness Take the few like you light the first cigarette and come to terms with the meaning of silence and when all is said and done we will know this is existence

i should be happy and im not i have a lot going in my life yet i feel i have nothing i try too make things right but fail miserably anger and hate is all i hear friends split 4 no reason relationships crumble change... change is taking place why is that were changing fate maybe fault possibly time probably coping is the challenge sum make it sum dont others die others wont yet we strive 4 sumthing more maybe we have 2 change for the sake of change as much as it may hurt Ive let my friends down i couldnt stop what was happening my place is undecided dont know where i belong run again see where the road takes me havent felt free in so long confusion finds its way in im torn in more than two save me from myself im turning blue far away i should go away from this place away from home left in the dark i am alone

Cast the calming apple Up and over satellites To draw out the timid wild one To convince you it's alright And I listen for the whisper Of your sweet insanity while I formulate Denials of your affect on me You're a stranger So what do I care You vanish today Not the first time I hear All the lies What am I to do with all this silence Shy away, shy away phantom Run away terrified child Won't you move away you fucking tornado I'm better off without you Tearing my will down

My team/ miltia force/ gang/ clique whatever you want to call it will be reenstated and Squadron 45 will be back again soon Chris Santoni- side arms/ small fire Rick Hudges a.k.a. strif- demolitions and special projects Jacob Lemp a.k.a. mobile 1- transport/ automatics Joe Nicholson- sniper Karmen Barnes- financial correspondant Bob Pauler- negotiator Ryan Amex- spec. ops.

People are always asking whats after death... Whats there before life.....