Wow...it's autumn again...this is the longest i've ever been sober since i was 12. i finally saw what was hidden for so long.i'm on a journey to find my potential.my life.i'm really confused on what to do right now.i know what i want to do..go back to school,get my own place again..have a life.find love again.i've just got alot of walls i have to break down.i still can't beleive i was almost army bound.i look back on it and think i got lucky.or maybe i just wasn't meant to go?either way being a week away from basic and having already sworn in and getting a phone call saying that a slight mistake made by my recruiter defaulted me from my service was more releaving than i thought..skip in time..i've got to get a better job.one that i can afford to live on..i have a chane to move away.i'm really starting to consider it..i need someone to talk to.someone in particular..i'm just scared to...anyway i can't stop listening to these two songs by silversun pickups.. the lyrics have sparked somthing,the music fuels the fire.. future foe scenarios the things we laid do not amount to much made of abandoned wood loose stones and such this revolution baby proves who you work for lately release the castaways who run amok from self appointed winds which blow and such when present tense gets strangled in the mire made of our cozy decomposing wires who do you work for baby and does it work for you lately but when the night is over and the walls start burning when fire starts to matter and the clock is churning cliches and other chatter keeps our minds from learning it's alright the things we laid do not amount to much made up of thought balloons and cotton swabs when present tense gets strangled in the woes made of our future foe scenarios this revolution baby proves who you work for lately who do you work for baby and does it work for you lately but when the night is over and the walls keep linking when fire starts to matter and the clock keeps sinking cliches and other chatter keeps our minds from thinking our minds keep thinking it's alright that's when it turned on me a motorcade of 'meant to be's' parades of beauty queens where soft entwines make kindling these many detailed things like broken nails and plastic rings will win by keeping me from speaking to my new darling and there's no way to know our future foe scenarios that's when it turned on me where bobby pins hold angel wings it's alright Rusted Wheel so you can't hold a star in your hand though at least you can hold on to another plan rusted wheel planted still i can tell it's summer from the size of the bugs that fly through my window flying through my window rusted wheel planted still rusted wheel can't move on i can tell it's winter from the size of the lump in my throat got a lump in my throat rusted wheel planted still rusted wheel can't move on and it feels just like the ground but trapped in another way just still in the ground and it feels just like the ground and trapped in another way just still in the ground so you can't hold a star in your hand though at least you can move on to that better plan rusted wheel planted still rusted wheel can't move on...

i realized last night that drugs do nothing but make me feel worse anymore.or that they always did.i'm drinking blood and it's easter.someone crucify me.put nai9ls im my arms and feet in accordance with the anglo-saxton tales of old.i saw her for the first time in what seemed like forever.it was emotional on my side.i tried not to let it show.i miss my best friend..she knows more of me than anyone.i could stay here,stuck,struggling to live hopeing i'll find love again in this loveless place.or i can make something happen.

"Edit The Sad Parts" Sometimes all I really want to feel is love Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry Sometimes my feelings get in the way Of what I really feel I needed to say If you stand in a circle Then you'll all have a back to bite Back logged voices on the 7 wonders We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now A communication from the one lined joke A stand up comic and a rock musician Making so much noise you don't know when to listen Why are you judging people so damn hard You're taking your point of views a bit too far I made my shoes shine with my coal But my polish didn't shine the hole If you stand in a circle Then you'll all have a back to bite Back logged books on the 7 wonders We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now Our communications come from one lined joke From stand up comics and a rock musicians Making so much noise you don't know when to listen Think it over There's the air of the height of the highrollers Think it over You aint got nothing till ya know her

Fall...down spiral...to the ground change...your ways die...unhappy has life ever really been happy? think...what have i done? too late...your race is won... won? by who? this barrel of this gun? no...by your own self destruction.. colors...so pretty...every color of every sunset will be on the branches soon...ready.. to fall....to die...to decompose...to become green again...i wish i could be green again.. got to get out...got to leave..these leaves.. that... spiral... ever downward.. like me...

Man it was a hard week....glad it's over...damn fall is here...i've felt every form of emotion i can in this season... i fell in love in the fall,and i lost it in the fall as well..it was in the fall i first attempted suicide...it was in the fall i first felt what life was...thnx to the help of a certain girl...i wasn't born in the fall but i will likley die in it...i have no clue what this fall will hold...i just know i hope i can share it with someone...

A trio of Mod.Mouse songs that i can't stop listening to..... "She Ionizes And Atomizes" She ionizes and atomizes Then turns to sunlight He realizes and itemizes Pulls harder than gravity She ionizes and atomizes Then turns to sunlight Flourescent lightbulbs will make An absense of dark, but The light just aint there still and she said "I'm feeling empty, The real lights can make you heavy but Never ever really empty Flourescent lights will always equal empty." "Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset" Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more So I blame this town, this job, these friends The truth is it's myself And I'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint where i am By the time I get things figured out I've change the whole damn plan Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight Talking shit about a pretty sunset Blanketing opinions that i'll probably reget soon I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself "Edit The Sad Parts" Sometimes all I really want to feel is love Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry Sometimes my feelings get in the way Of what I really feel I needed to say If you stand in a circle Then you'll all have a back to bite Back logged voices on the 7 wonders We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now A communication from the one lined joke A stand up comic and a rock musician Making so much noise you don't know when to listen Why are you judging people so damn hard You're taking your point of views a bit too far I made my shoes shine with my coal But my polish didn't shine the hole If you stand in a circle Then you'll all have a back to bite Back logged books on the 7 wonders We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now Our communications come from one lined joke From stand up comics and a rock musicians Making so much noise you don't know when to listen Think it over There's the air of the height of the highrollers Think it over You aint got nothing till ya know her

So i'm here to tell a story of long forgotten love, it seems so long since i'd felt your body in my arms.. and the only comfort i find now is in the stars above, but that don't compare to the blackhole in my heart.. And you'll go out!...with all your "guy friends".. and tell them to share a bed with you. but baby you'll find out, much,much too late... i'm getting over loving you.. because... (the boy you once loved has long been dead, and the man you made has grabed his shit and left, with his heart and soul,he's running fast as he can, with his heart and soul he's running from you.. but maybe instead of saying go ahead, it shoulda been me sleeping around on you, with his heart and soul,he's running fast as he can, with his heart and soul he's running from you..) And yes i trusted you, time and time again, and yes you said your love was true, but when you'd finnaly come home,step into the house, that stench of infidelity was you.... And you'll go out!...with all of your "guy friends".. and tell them about our secrets shared in bed. but darling you'll find out, much,much too late... i'm getting over loving you...because... (the boy you once loved has long been dead, and the man you made has grabed his shit and left, with his heart and soul,he's running fast as he can, with his heart and soul he's running from you.. but maybe instead of saying go ahead, it shoulda been me sleeping around on you, with his heart and soul,he's running fast as he can, with his heart and soul he's running from you..) Well i'm living now on the east coast, sitting in a pub, drinkin turkey toasting to you, remembering all your girlfriends that slept in our bed, keeping me company,where the hell were you? And i went out!...With every single one, and they told me all about you! but love you'll soon find out much,much too late... i got over loving you........because... (the boy you once loved has long been dead, and the man you made has grabed his shit and left, with his heart and soul,he's running fast as he can, with his heart and soul he's running from you.. but maybe instead of saying go ahead, it shoulda been me sleeping around on you, with his heart and soul,he's running fast as he can, with his heart and soul he's running from you..

almost finished.....can't wait to put it in here....

man i hate having nothing....could go to the movies with her but i can't....fuck i wanna leave..... RAHH!why must i have no money?

"Ashtray Monument" Free, alone. The predawn white light's coming on. Bottle on the night stand. I count disasters on my free hand now. Run for cover there's a big one coming. You'll be lucky if you're at ground zero. You'll be lucky if it's got your number. No one said that this life was easy. Did that no one ever live a life this hard? It gets hard. The bills are scattered in the yard. Ashtray monument. A life spent waiting in cement. After all, it's not that bad. I still have pictures. I look back at all the things that we once did. You said, "I love you." I guess you did. Remember our life. I did the dishes while you read out loud. Best friends, strangers now. Were our kids all we could call common ground.

Polar opposites don't push away It's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days And I know I should go but I'll probably stay And that's all you can do about some things (well I'm trying,im trying to drink away the part of the day That I cannot sleep away) Two one eyed dogs, they're looking at stereos Hi-fi Gods try so hard to make their cars low to the ground These vibrations oil its teeth Primer gray is the color when you're done dying And I'm trying,i'm trying to drink away the part of the day That I cannot sleep away oh..sorry to confuse who read my last entry...that was infact an Elliot Smith song..i wish i could write poetry that good.i tend to put the songs that i'm listening too on here.some of my poetry(john belluci)is hidden through the entrys.i've deleated so much.most of this shit is from last year.thanks for the comment whoever you are.... :)

everybody cares, everybody understands yes, everybody cares about you yeah and whether or not you want them to it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout so here I lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun raining its guiding light upon everyone for a moment's rest you can lean against the banister after running upstairs again and againfrom wherever they came to fix you inbut always fear the city's finest follow right behind you got a pretty vision in your head a pencil full of poison lead and a sickened smile illegal in every town so here I lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun raining its guiding light upon everyone here I lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun raining its guiding light upon everyone you say you mean well you don't know what you mean fucking out to stay the hell awayfrom things you know nothing about

These are my words..copyrighted by my hurt....yeah everyone's a little emo...it's not like anyone will read this anyway... I live because i'm desperate, i'm desperate just to live, free of my regret,and pain that won't quit. i found the answer to love in abook of the stars, it was a map of a black hole,and it ends right where it starts.. (now i'm slipping away,falling down like punchen concrete,another bottle is waiting, you've tore me down,pushed me away, my silent revery,fuels the pain... fall face down,slip further away, like smashing concrete,my fists broken and bloody, so tear me down,go ahead,push me away, my silent revery,consume's me in flames...) I'm sick and i'm tired of being tired and sick, cold and silver,you turn sharp quick.. you left me cut and bleeding,choking on the floor, screamed out your name but you were already out the door. (now i'm slipping away,falling down like punchen concrete,another bottle is(empty) waiting, you've tore me down,pushed me away, my silent revery,fuels the pain... fall face down,slip further away, like smashing concrete,my fists broken and bloody, so tear me down,go ahead,push me away, my silent revery,consume's me in flames...) I have loved,i have died ,i've seen the world through your eyes, i have lied,i do cry,but tears are just placebos. you say for the good of us, you ignorant kid, for the good would be death and whatever you can make of this.... (now i'm slipping away,falling down like punchen concrete,another bottle is waiting, you've tore me down,pushed me away, my silent revery fuels the pain... fall face down,slip further away, like smashing concrete,my fists broken and bloody, so tear me down,go ahead,push me away, embers of my soul no longer carry a flame...)

hmm.i'm begining to hate again.not really hate but resent someone.someone i used to love.friends?who needs them.me.but not her.i'm sure she feels the same.all i did was fuck her up.well i killed myself over it.3 fold goddamnmit.it still haunts me.always will.Ileave for basic soon.i almost hope i go to war.to die.not because it's what i beleive in but because...well.at least my mom would get $400,000.i'd probably leave 50 grand or so to HER to make up for how i wronged her.money.makes me sick.i really just want to be a chef.to make people happy through food.music also.i could afford to make music if i was a chef.Sullivan will be a nice college.kentucky will be a nice home.wow.i wish i could feel at home again.

while the hands are pointing up midnight you’re a question mark coming after people you watched collide you can ask what you want to the satellite cos the names you drop put ice in my veins and for all you know you’re the only one who finds it strange when they call it a lover’s moon the satellite cos it acts just like lovers do the satellite a burned out world you know staying up all night the satellite

Polar opposites don't push away It's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days And I know I should go but I'll probably stay And that's all you can do about some things I'm trying to drink away the part of the day That I cannot sleep away Two one eyed dogs, they're looking at stereos Hi-fi Gods try so hard to make their cars low to the ground These vibrations oil its teeth Primer gray is the color when you're done dying I'm trying to drink away the part of the day That I cannot sleep away

So it's been a ruff start.good things are to come.i think.the people i trusted hurt me again.i'm usually a pretty good judge of character.we got our apartment in Nashville.i'm so excited.no,not really just it's somthing new and i won't know anybody..like a clean slate to do better with my self.i got punched in the face by some drunk guy while i was sleeping Sat. night.i think hew screwed up my sinus.i'm feel so sick.i stayed home from work.wish someone would bring me soup....

this Halloween sucked for me. i,ve decided to end everything.i wish it wasn't this way.but i'm going insane.i think about ending EVERYTHING when i drive.the only reason i really havn't is all the recent death.it makes me not want to regret anything.i regret moving on and keeping just memories.maybe i'll find who i can grow old with.whose to say i havn't?here comes the rest of my life.time to find my peace.

(sigh) i'm so confused...i'm an advent child in a world that does not exsist.i saw the girl of my dreams today...she was sitting next to me.i had a dream about her again.i wonder if she still dreams about me.i'm scared to sleep.don't know why.just scared.i had a pretty good day.like i said the girl...anyways i might get to be with her tommorrow.that would rock...my socks...completely off!i keep getting these chances for relationships and i'm afraid to go through with them.to move on i guess.i mean nothing is holding me back..well actually alot is.my next relationship i've decided will have my all put in it.i don't want to just throw that away.i could casually date.i still feel there is somthing left though.i feel bad for even thinking about other girls.i shouldn't.she's doing her own thing.i'm so hung up on this.i get in the mindset to move on and she calls.tells me things.i still love to hear her voice say i miss you,i love you.it leaves me speechless.right back where i started.it bothers me sometimes.i know i'd rather hear those words than not.i'm the one who get's called when things are going to hell.have been for a while.i try to be here for her i do.it's so hard to try and be friends and not want to just hold her.tell her no matter what she's safe in these arms.my life is too busy.not busy but spastic.it's actually starting to slow down.i'm happy.gota job interveiw tommorrow.yeah!i don't talk alot around her.i think i'm afraid that i won't be the person she once loved.i know i've changed but what if she isn't into me anymore?i think the same about her.how much has she change?i guess if it's not there it's not.pick up the pieces and leave.she makes me so nervous now.before i had nothing to lose and just was myself.thats what i got to be.Cresten.

wow weird.i became a myspace whore for a while.glad to be back.i randomly decided to check this place out again.i still feel pained.things are still fucked up.V sorta moved on.i should too i guess.i don't know anymore.what does she want?i'm gettin tired of trying to figure out.i know she misses me.she tells me.it kills me.but at least i know she thinks about me.our pictures behind me make me smile.she's dating someone else though.thats what hurts the most.i'm alone and she has someone.but forget that rubbish for now.the band is in the process of the new album.we have a my space.look for oldmanhat.thats my profile.the bonzais is my first friend.click and enjoy!