so. it seems as though there was a mess up on some stuff. that last post was totally from years ago, it just happened to pop up somehow as a recent post. dont know. i was thinking. What if Hitler had been accepted into the Vienna School of Art? Jesus, the differences in our society today would be astounding.

You keep on telling me these pretty lies Well I’m just a girl and want you instead of the drugs that get me high You keep on telling me these pretty lies Well I’m just a girl and want you instead of the drugs that get me high I’ll never talk out of turn again in class Will it be alright if I see you tonight Well, I feel like a bird in a cage For you to notice me, Well I’d take out a knife Suicide right on the stage I’m like a fish on a hook Water splash into the brook Well, teacher says he's twice my age Hey teacher could you ease my pain I can only watch you so long I can only watch you so long, so long I can only watch you so long I can only watch you so long, so long Who’s your teacher’s pet?

im not gonna deny it i wish i were dead the fakeness and success of everyone around me is making me sick im happy for them, yes im just tired of being reminded of how much of a failure i am

its hilarious how everyone turns their backs on you just because someone tells them to.

on the note o lying. ive lied to myself a lot in this thing. maybe i should start over. maybe.

this is just another example of how life fucks me. really. i didnt do anything wrong and i get hellfire and brimstone for it. im starting to believe that maybe god hates me. or whatever force guides life. for some reason im just not to be liked. just fuck it all. i mean, i can't fight coincidence. lol god, its hilarious. im just like REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS? wtf. idk im starting to hate everyone. every scene dye-my-hair-pink-and-green little hoe bag and every tight pants wearing wannabe fall out boy douche bag. pretty much everyone outside my little circle of tight knit friends whom i feel are intelligent. i believe i just gave up. i believe i just dont care anymore. i mean, its stupid for me to be upset when i didnt do anything wrong. truth is, i love kyle. more than anyone or anything. i didnt ever want to hurt him but i did. i should have never lied. i had a problem with honesty before but i learned my lesson and now, lying makes me sick to my stomach. ill be honest with everyone who asks what happened when i talk to them about it. i tell them the truth if they judge me, they judge me. most dont. but you know. being honest makes me feel so much better. theres nothing to hide when you tell the naked truth. and its a lot less stress. and i like that. i still just feel sick. because, i care about him. i dont want to argue anymore. i just want to try to support him in what hes doing and have fun like we did at holiday world. im sick of the arguments, you know? not like because of the stress, just that i get sick when i argue my best friend. i just get tired of shit happening thats out of my control. death, gas prices, tuition, aids in africa, random shit. i just feel like some awful evil thing follows me around and does shit. just to fuck things up. its ridiculous now. i really need to see that therapist. for sure, i will go out there next week. i have so much to say. i just want someone to HEAR me. idk. its just sometimes, i wanna say: come on life, throw it at me. give me your best shot. i just went numb.

a year ago. cool. ive gotta write a paper. college happened. shit went down then back up. i went to jacksonville. i moved out, and its not so bad. i still want to cry a lot. and i still want to see a therapist. i just never do. dont want to pay for it want someone who will really listen to listen. idk whats wrong. ive got problems i know about. but i cant fix them i cant relax makes me think i should be the type of person who smokes pot just so they can be normal and unwound. so i wont always be so uptight and stressed out. jesus. ive got to go. ill pick this up again. maybe. theres so much here. i cant forget or let go. its the only journal i ever kept. and i had to stop because someone was afraid. well im not scared anymore. ill say what i want to myself.

since ive last written in this, kyle and i have broken up, gotten back together, ive gone to colorado and chicago, helped make and play in a band, played two shows, recorded a 5 song demo, wrote songs, discovered i could sing, experienced the break-up of that band, gotten an apartment, gotten four kittens, three fish, and a newt, have painted more paintings in the last week than i have in my life, recieved money, spent it, gotten an interview for a job, had a two year "first kiss" anniversary with Kyle, cancelled a housing contract with USI, made a new best female friend (Cate), and out of that deal two very close loveable friends (Cate and her fiance, Brian), made countless more friends through the band, made t shirts, lost three more friends, gone celibate, had sex, buried a goldfish, taken weekend trips to Louisville and Nashville, picked up a new hobby (fishing), bought a pair of Burberry sunglasses, and had pheasant at one of the most expensive restaurants in town. so. a lot has happened in.... four months. and you know i only regret one thing. the break-up of the band. but ive come to realize you cant make people do something they dont want to do. and that ive got an out of control temper. but all in all... it was ok. life gets crazy. and its ok. i get crazy... its not always ok. idk... im nervous about starting a new chapter in my life. and im nervous about losing the band. im nervous about kyle and i... i want us to continue working so well... im nervous about my mom... ill miss her... ill cry... sorry for being a little kid. its a big deal.. college... yeah... i guess.... im just scared... and nostalgic.

i want you to love me... more than anything. i want to feel like you do....

damnit. i feel like such a fuck up all the time. A A A B+ C+ A on the report card and suddenly its the end of the fucking world i dropped from 4th in the class to 6th oh god. out of 126 people. honestly, im not too worried. i cant do shit right for mom. she cant be proud of 4 As and a B+ no shes pissed about the C and i feel like im a horrible girlfriend. like i cant do anything right in our relationship. i mean.. i try and say things to kyle. just to let him know i love him. and its like... EVEN though he KNOWS i mean well. he takes offense to it. i want that fire back between us. i dont want our relationship to be "real" as he put it. i want that feeling of an "alternate universe" again. why cant we try? why cant i be forgiven? im older. ive more than enough proved my love to him. id do anything for him. ID DIE FOR HIM. and im not lying. ive gone through so many scenarios... there isnt anything i wouldnt do for him... this just tears at me every single day knowing how in love i am but not feeling like i can show it the way i want, or get it in return..... ive given so much thought about what he said about his grandpa and grandma... i feel so incredibly horrible for all the times we argued. all the times i cussed him out... and vise versa... its just... i feel.. like... im not as special anymore. like... i am... but only to an extent. im just there for the time being... and someday ill just be another face in the crowd... i dont want that.... i WANT to say those gay things to you. tell you that id rope the moon for you... talk about what a future would be like. i feel like were just in the moment, living for today. i, however, dont know what you want. maybe you like it better this way. maybe you dont feel so attached... maybe im loseable. i used to not be. how long does one have to wait before they get forgiveness? im trying so hard here.... why dont you see that? ...god... i just want to show you how i love you like i used to be able to...........

i feel like i cant do anything right. what the crap... i was only trying to help. and now ive gone and pissed him off. damnit. whats the matter with me. just learn keep my stupid fucking mouth shut.

WHY CANT THEY EVER BE DUDES!!!? WHY IS IT ALWAYS CHICKS!!? AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING CUTE TO SAY!???!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!? FUCK.

i want to see a therapist

god forbid i worry.

its basically mercy killing

somebody kill me please i really want to die

you dont give a fuckin damn.

last night was the first time i felt truly special in a long time. i hope it wasnt fake... also random fact here, but "idolise" is spelled: idoliZe

ive festered such an intense hatred of life lately. i need to talk about it. but that specific someone is always too busy. i hate to bottle my hate inside. nothing ever seems to work for me i feel kicked out, beaten down, and forgotten about. im so tired of the way my life works sometimes.

im really about to puke in a bucket. really. its THAT disgusting. im fucking sick of this. delete that shit already.