i love hilary. a whole freaking bunch. me& her are family, prettymuch. we're always together, and people don't like that, too bad. she is my bestfriend, and has been since 6th grade. don't mess with her, or else. family sticks together, so mess with one of us, you get both. don't treat her bad, she doesn't deserve it. if you don't like her/ or like it then forget you, no one cares. <333 kaelaa--

What's with me these days? I cant think anymore. I never feel quite right. I dont talk. I hold back. I dont know why I feel so wrong. I'm pretty sure I'm slipping back into depression. fuck being sad for noreason. i hate it. guess what? i have no friends. things are weird. i feel weird. everything... is changing. i cant explain how, it just is. i need something, i dont know what. something more?? something less?? or something in- between?? Maybe nothing needs to change. Maybe I need to change. I'm sick of myself & everything to do with me. at all. ever. afkd;sdf' fuck. fuck. ramble. fuck. fuck. just shoot me.

wtf. i havent been on here since december. hahaha. well, i was the other week, but i also was too busy, or maybe too lazy, to post anything. Come to think of it, i think i might have posted an entry. damn computers never get anything straight. What has it been now...3 weeks?? of my sophomore year and i already have a friday-school. way to fucking go, decatur. goddamn discrimators. Seriously. I'm way too tired of the fucking people in this world. Not everyone, just most. The ones that think they know exactly who I am at first glance. "Oh, well she spikes her hair up on top, it looks like she doesnt brush it in the back, and the underneath is purple. She likes that 'rock-and-roll' type of music, and wears funny clothes. I cant believe that she wears things like that, and does her makeup that way," they think to themselves. Of course if they would have written that out, most would have had multiple grammatical errors and not even know it. This is America today. I am so excited to see how well we all come together. Now, not all people think this way, I know that. But the majority of Americans do. We,as a nation have done this for years, Discriminate and wonder why people are so naive, when we ourselves are. No, I, myself, am not perfect. I do have my flaws just as every other human-being in this world, but unlike most others, I can admit to most of mine. America; the country of hatred, greed, obesity, conformity, media, and multiple other things. YES! Arent we all proud to be Americans? LOVE: ME.

thanks. i hate you too.

its over. end of story. [sarah's was fun. we watched madagascar♥]

gahhh. im here in bloomington on the dads laptop. this really sucks. yeah, you know where i'll be. ♥

so derrick came over sunday. it was cool. we just hungout. no smoking. no makingout. just hangingout. im done with smoking. seriously. my mom knows that i still did for a while there, but i'm done with it. its stupid. gahgahgah, i want to go to the game on friday. and i'll probably hangout with allyson, and then spend the night there. yeahyuh. not much going on. derrick's pretty much great<3

ohgod. tonight = the shit. fuckyes. i will tell you about it later, because im tiredd as fuck. finally an update about halloween night. its now wednesday. so, kaela came over after school. and we did nothing. derrick called a little later, and said he wanted to come over, so thats what we did. his dad dropped him off around 545. and we just sat in my house for a bit, kaela was still home eating. listened to music and talked. kaela came over finally, and we took some cigs and left. basically we all walked around the whole night. and smoked. and hungout. anthony p. gave us some more cigs for free. it was dark, we were walking in the other neighborhood, and i accidentally lit the filter of one. my bad. went back to anthony's. got more. went to the park. smoked. kaela went and got something to drink, and me and derrick played on the playground. i pushed him down the slide. it was fun. kaela came back. we smoked more. and then came back to my place. no one was home. we all just hungout for a while, until derrick had to leave. he left. came back. then left again. kaela went home after my mom got home. and that was all. i passed out from total exhastion. it was a fun night.

i wish people would grow up. arrrrgh. but yes, me and allyson are going to a haunted house tonight. and it better be scary. because i feel like peeing my pants tonight. i had to work today, and it sucked. im tired, and i smell like sweat and paint. gross. went to meiger. and got a shirt for 3bucks. and TonyHawk Soundtrack for American Wasteland. there's good songs on it. got some makeup. and pretty much spent most of my paycheck. soyeah. yesterday i hung out with my family. it was actually nice. we went to a park, had a picnic. and no one was arguing. i pushed my sister on the swings, and then she pushed me. my mom and steve watched, and then we all played tag. yes, all of us. my mom tried to go on the monkeybars, and almost fell, but still made it. cute. the leaves were extrememly pretty. orange, red, yellow, brown, and all sorts. we went to the lake. and just sat there. my sister decided to give me a weggie. it hurt. and they laughed, but so did i. came home, and watched scary movies. and drank hotchocolate. so yeah, that was all backwards, from today, to yesterday, but i dont care.

it seems like everyone around me.. has no clue of the meaning of Honesty. honestly, i never thought someone could get that low. honestly, i should tell someone what they need to hear. honestly, i'm not like you. and honestly, i dont care what you have to say anymore. i'm tired otf being bound by what everyone's opinions. fuckyou. and bye.

im done with fucking everyone. all of you. kaela, erika, and allyson, i think you guys are the only true people out there. Pretty much everyone else can fuckoff. Im not in a good mood, but im not about to bitch to you about all of it. You think i talk shit about you? then fine. believe it. i guess we weren't good enough friends to begin with for you not to believe someone who's actually been there for you. wtfe. i'm done being screwed over.

Im just copying this, so when i wake up in the morning, i know it wasnt a dream. *sigh* and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: IAN ian: hey ian: how do you like my old pic and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: aw. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: sup? ian: emo ian ian: nothing you and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: lol, its cute and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: about the same, watching degrassi ian: never watched it and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: seriously???? ian: yeah sorry ian: whats it about and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: a school, and its like some big soap opera. lol, im a nerd. ian: its cool ian: I forget when do you want to hang otu ian: out and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: how was that poptart? and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: whenever... ian: good' ian: whenever as in and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: lol, it doesnt really matter ian: hmmmmmmmmmm and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: ian: and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: lol. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i lllove smilies ian: good smiley faces and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: yessa ian: your 65 years old and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: haha, no and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: 14. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: but i dont look 14, its all good. ian: it says it on your myspace thing ian: yeah and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i know. cause im cool ian: Im freezing my strawberry poptart right now and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: awww. ian: its the shit when you freeze them and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: toaster strudles? and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: lol ian: I wish I had toaster strudels and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: hahaha ian: strudles ian: whatever and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: haha, yeah and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: how old are you> ian: hmmmmmmm poptarts and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: ? ian: 15 and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mmm. grade? ian: 10 ian: sophmore and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: gotchaaa. ian: you grade and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: 9... freshmannn and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: ian: and she was only a freshman ian: hmmmmmmmmm and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: egh, shutup. lol ian: then I will ian: meanie and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: im juuustkiddin ian: i bet you are and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: promises. ian: this poptart is amazing and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: haha, what kind? ian: me+poptart=happiness ian: strawberry and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i only like the chocolate kinddd. =] ian: ohhhhhhhh I remember and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =]]] ian: I like strawberry milkshake poptarts frozen ian: delicious and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: ha. i like strawberry milkshakesss. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mmm mmm good. ian: I like strawberry milkshakes from ritters and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: oh yum ian: or just smoothies and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: this is making me hungry ian: look ahhhhhhhh Im under the covers ian: I know I make everyone hungry and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: if i could look, i would and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: hahhahahhhahaha and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i bet you do ian: I know I do ian: jk and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =] ian: but yeah Im hungry ian: No more cheese ian: which means no more grilled cheese and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i had grilled cheese today ian: and my dad just bought tabisco sauce for the grilled cheese and now I cant ian: tear and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: awwwl. ian: and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: *hugs yyou* ian: weirdo and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: yessa. thats me ian: im tired ian: but right now im talking to you and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: sowhat? and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: lol ian: Disco: Roar and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: he's hot. ian: he tries and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mhm, i can tell. ian: nice afro right and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: his hair must take hours and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: well duh ian: Yeah probably five hours to be exact and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mhm. i can tell and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: [[laptops suck ass]] ian: I bet they do and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: its really hard to type and click on things and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =[ ian: oh sorry and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: its coo' yo', cause im talking to youuu. ian: i know dude and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =] ian: its pretty damn cool talking to yous also and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: aw, thankk ya ian: No no thank you and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: for what?? lol ian: I dont know what were yelling about and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: yelling? i never yell. ian: its cool ian: nevermind and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: uhmmm. ok. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: youve got me lost. ian: lost in a reeses and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: peanut buttercup and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: ? ian: favorite spread and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: haha and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: spread ian: maple hyrup and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mmmm. waffles. ian: not a big pancake fan ian: more of a french toast man and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: pancakes get too soggy ian: yeah my stepdad makes pancakes and everypne puts peanut butter on them ian: and syrup ian: its ok and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: YOU DO THAT TOO?? ian: yes doesnt everybody and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i thought i was the only peanutbutter putteron-er pancakes, and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: not that i know of ian: no thousands and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: are you sure? ian: i mean thousands of people just like you and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: because the only people i know that do it, are people that ive made try it ian: eating peanut butter on pancakes ian: since 1800s ian: and 1768 and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: i think you're just making stuff uppppp. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: lol ian: not me and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: ian: so yeah put a date on when we are going to hang out and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mmkay. ian: ian: ian: and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: are you free next weekend? ian: maybe ian: i think ian: dont know for sure ian: ill get back to you ill probably talk to you tomorow so and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: mkay. ian: tomorrow and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: tomorrow, ian: yes tomorrow and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =] ian: Im going to bed Im tired and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: alright. and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: nightttt ian: So Ill talk to you later buttercups ian: alright player ian: good night dont let the bed bugs bite and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: sweetdreamsss. ian: to you also me ladie and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: if they do, hit them with a shoe. ian: ok and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: go to sleep now! ian: never ian: one minute and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: yesssss ian: Im still talking and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: but you're tiredddd ian: now good night sweet heats ian: hearts] ian: [hearts] and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: night babycakes. ian: ok muffin buns ian: sweet cakes ian: food and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: I WAS GUNNA SAY THAT ian: stop it I cant take it and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: copier and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: night hotdog. ian: whatever loser and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =] ian: hotdog are you serious and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: yepp ian: is that the best you can come up with and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: =[ yesss, prolly ian: night sugar biscuits and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: night lemon drops!!! ian: awesome and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: [i love lemons]] ian: good night ian: [idotwo] and_youxneverxsaidgoodbye: *sigh* goodnighttt. whole convo, but i like the end the best. he's super sweet. and i love it. ¢¾ night,

'you' carved in to my arm, and i dont know why. a throat that burns, and i feel in control. dizzy, tired, and in between. i'v lost 5lbs in the past three days. you cant stop me now. ♥ edit dont be worried. any of you. im just fine. ♥

throwing up until your feet leave the floor. teary-eyes bloodshot and aching from the pressure. fingers covered in half digested food. a throat that stings. gasping for air while doing it all over again. and me wondering why im doing this to myself again. EDIT. oct.12th. me and marissa's rules. they start tomorrow, Thursday. they're pretty basic. 1-no fatting stuff. 2-drink only water. 3-under 300 cals. 4-exercise. 5-eat fruits and stuff. yeah, it should do. EDIT AGAIN. same day, Wednesday. it happens again. and this time blood came out. it got to the point where i couldnt stop. and i cant even hold down water. this new eating plan will be good for me. nothing to throwup. im dizzy, and dehydrated. night.

got caught smoking, and i came clean with pretty much everything. drugs. smoking. sneakingout. eating. cutting. steve. my dad. my mom. everything. it feels so much better not having to hide. but im so deeply grounded.

being grounded sucks. =/

So this weekend is pretty much a big blur now. Friday I hung out with Kaela; we went to john's party. Geoff,Dustin,Dale,John,Carlos,NickTodd,Zack. yeah, we're cool. basketball,football,videogames,moshing. Then back here for the night. My mom went out of town, so we had the house to ourselves. Cathy,Oompa,Travis,Kaela. we all crashed here. Cleaned the next morning. Everyone went home. Cathy came back over. We were going to go to Alicen's. didn't. went to cathy's. hung out with tons of different people at different times. mainly; justin starr, some mike kid, tim, josh [keiths brother]. didnt get back to cathy's until 5:15 in the morning. we had fun. fatshitdog. 5/4's moon. hah, greatness. went home sunday around 530. mom got mad that i didnt tell her i was going to cathy's instead of alicens. so im grounded. =/ ohwell. she's too into her boyfriend to notice anything. so i wont be grounded for long. she acted like it was a routine thing, it was kind of funny. she wasnt amd or anything. didnt yell or anything. just was like,"well, you're grounded." and stopped. *shakes head*

so far tonight has been good. i'll update about it more later. all i have to say: i love the way he made me smile.

yeah. you fucking ditched me for the second time in a row. fuck you. im so tired of people. literally. my mom, sarah, yeah. i wish you knew, so i could see you cry. razors to my arm, and i dont give a fuck about you anymore. editxx. it hasnt been this bad in a long time. not 238934238 little ones. just 4 or 5 deep ones. and it wont stop this time. you should have never known.