So things have been a little crazy lately. but boring at the exact same time. there's never anything to do, but at the same time there is, I just choose not to see it. or do it, for that matter. awkwardness toward everyone has really got me no where but feeling alone. and feeling as if i have no one i can really honestly talk to. and tell things to. things that i'm afraid to tell other people. i have sarah. but she has derrick. i have nick. but at the same time, i dont. we aren't together, and i'm getting the feeling we wont ever be. i need something to hold on to. school has been.. just something to pass time. im not learning anything. nor did i expect to. ive met new people, but forgot most of their names. i like a couple teachers, and dislike the rest. i laughed to myself the other day. Mr.Lanter, my english teacher, said that the meaningless poetry poem that he had me write.. was outstanding. ha. i'll retype it later. im thinking too much and too fast. fucking hell. back to school. i hate hallway trafficjams. because i always feel so short and so unnoticed. even though im not short. just shorter than all of the tall guys. brad wrote me a note the other day. i like getting notes, but not this one. it made me feel bad, and mean, and bitchy. it went a little along the lines of, "im sorry i was bugging you a lot about us going out, when i know you dont like me. you're a great friend and i wouldnt change that for the world" which was in response to my note, that went like this: "im sorry brad, but i dont think we will be going out anytime soon. nick and i arent together, but i have feelings for him and no one else. you are still considered a friend." so i guess that sums it up. nick has a show tonight. so we most likely wont talk. lately he's been ignoring me, from what it seems like. or maybe he's just been busy. it's confusing. at times i feel so close to nick, to the point where i want to tell him everything there is to know about me.. and for him to tell me the same. and then there's times like these where i feel so distant from him. i feel a breakdown comming on soon. but let's keep that our little secret. so i suppose my entry should have a little something to do with the title i gave it. i have a headache. i have a new piercing. everyone went to the football game around here. este, raul, ashley -football game. kaela- kenny chesney, or however you spell it. so im stuck here watching my sister with no one to hangout with. [my mom is going out tonight, probably to meet up with Ken] tim says he is comming to take my sister and i for breakfast tomorrow. ugh. i dont want to fucking see him. i gave up on calling him "dad", because to be a dad, you have to be a father, and he falls under neither catagory. ive come to the point where i feel like honestly hating him.. but not wanting to because i would be mad at myself for hating my supposed father. i kinda wish my mom would just hurry up and leave. my sister needs to go to bed. i need to be alone. alone but with someone. it wont happen. he'll never come around. but i'm not one for giving up. i really need to go play tennis. like, before the actual season starts up. i really want to play... but then again... i kind of want to just forget all of it. and she finally left. thank god. now just 10 mintures before my sister goes to bed. this entry was completely random and it rambles more than a 11yearold on speed, but it will do just fine. summer ended too fast, everyone is growing up. and im just now starting to realize how much older we are all getting. it's scary. i've had to piss for the longest time. so guess why i'm ending here? ohyeah. almost forgot. the shittiest poem you'll ever read. [it wasn't supposed to make any sense, we were just supposed to expand our vocabulary, but i already knew all of these words. (it makes complete sense to me)] Sitting arrangements shrilling at the nocturnal passerbys. Tattered garments with a dreary flase apperance combinded with false expectations. High mortality rates terrorizing the rose-kissed faces of the frayed rag doll children. They stare at me with grief while the unilluminated shadows play jai aliai with his mind. Gypsy moonlight blinding pale faces of the tree leaves that whisper the unwritten screams. You weren't meant to be heard. so there it is. sucks. i know to anyone who might happen to read this.. what did you get from it? anotheredit. being on the phone with sarah helped me some. then we got off, [the phone], because derrick called her. it's funny how they are so fucking lucky, and they dont even realize it. i seriously need to stop eating. i swear. either i'm not eating anything.. or im eating everything in site. im so fucking gross. i can see this all going the way it's supposed to. no more of this "after tonight it starts" shit. it fucking starts here and now. i gave up on eating meat. not because im "straitegde" because im not.. or because "im vegan.. blahbullshitblah" just because it's sick. i cant even look at meat anymore. it makes me want to puke. i took out the piercing in my side. my pants started rubbing on it. and it hurt. my mom's out having "coffee" with some guy. it's 1226am. ew. gross images. my ass hurts so bad from this damn chair. im watching, semi-watching, some old show. black and white. with no real plot to it. and real bad actors. i like it. a movie sounds good right now.