its really odd and funny at the same time to sit down for a second and look back on your life and think about where people have gone and how theyve dissapeared out of your life. its funny when you hear a song that reminds you of that person and only at that time when your alone, listening to it on your computer completely concetrated, it reminds you of them and not before. i miss the person it reminds me of. and the person i was when i knew her. if i could explain exactly how i felt about that situation, id sound as tho im bitter and im really not. but i guess in a way i am. if she would have never moved and just stayed, my life would be so different, in a way that probably went for the worse in my case but a lot better for her. she didnt have to grow up in this cut throat shit hole of a town. and it makes me think what if justin left? or my dad? would i be broken and left to tend for myself? would i recover or fuck up and make mistakes i wouldnt have made if they were around. half the time i know they wont leave but theres a part of me that make me think its a very real possibilty. not one that id want but one that mite happen and id have no control over it. i ahte when i dont have control over situation i wish there was some way to explain how some music makes me feel. same with smells. i walked into my house and was on the verge of tears. my parents had turned on the ac and it jus reminds me of last summer and al the smells and the way the light shines on my house. but now if it was christmas already and i smelt and heater smell and the smell of our fake tree, i dont think id get excited more upset. i had an awesome christmas because i was justin but my grandma wasnt here. and i wasnt here when she died. she left with out me being here or being able to say goodbye. and ill never get to talk to her again. death is somthing you seem to take lightly untill it happens in your own little circle. but in reality death is all around us. my parents are almost 60 and 75. thats not very long from when theyre going to die but its close enough for someone to see. what will my mom do when my dad dies. ill still be young and i have a feeling my mom will live down the street from my house with my husband and my kids. id rahter have my kids have a grandma closer then further away and theres no way that i could let my mom grow old with out living close to her i want her to move out to newport with me whenever i leave. well actually not that we dont have enough money to send me to the art institute im jus bummed out about cooking. forty thousand dollars to go to school i could buy a brand new car. and even with all the grants and shit like that it would still be like 25 thousand dollars. a pimped out honda. thats a lot of money adn it pisses me off that only rich kids who could live off theyre parents money a prolly wont even go on to work in the field can afford it. its just disturbing. grrrrrr