i expected more… but could i really of thought both would be at fault. is that a funny thing to think. to want to hope for something that isn’t worth it. what a silly thing my head does sometime. it clings to hope so tight that reality is something to laugh at, its the funniest joke to ever cross the layers of my brain.if it was so sink in the bottom for awhile i might sometime notice a little bit of it around. then my belly would get this funny tight feeling and my mouth would chuckle and burst. i will say itsn’t reality just a waste of time. i guess you can say its not worth it so i’m going to sit back and let my mind over take this goddamn funny reality to make it something worth living in towards the back of it all.i will sit and watch maybe join in every once in awhile but in the end ill have something to laugh,cry,and be excited about at the end of the day even if its real or not at least i’m feeling such things.

Im starting to feel that being nice and understanding to people are not coming off as great as it should. if i have to say i understand to another person im going to explode. dont play word and mind games with me because i play them all to well with myself and do not need to make understanding my feelings so much difficult as they already are.

Just made it a whole lot easier for him and harder for me goodbye first love hello months of memories i would rather not have shoved in my head. I want you to have them back because with them i have regret

no bed of mine did he sleep in nor home he stayed in but yet my heart he has a huge place in. has though it was last winter and this spring,when i can smell his skin that is the only time he will treat me as though Im loved. across miles of land that is when he makes me feel I'm one of many. what game is this I'm agreeing to play,I would give up myself for every moment spent with him. I have been informed me missing him is not worth it how does one respond to such a statement like that.

I just can't say no to him,and i would like to know his reasons for wanting to stay with me again while he is out here for his mothers wedding. of course he let me know its because he wants to see me but he could do that with out staying with me and i know he has a lot of places he can stay out here. he really hurt me last time i saw him. this is probably a really bad mistake saying he could but yet again I'm letting my imagination over power reasonable thinking. we the positive is that ill be moved into my new place the same weekend he will be here so ill have a couch for him to sleep on if it comes down to me feeling uncomfortable sharing my bed with him.

these shadows form out of my mouth absence and wall puppets. I'll shake your bones and bend your will.

i found my winter blanket but its not made of fabric and not made out of skin. but yet made out of sleep procrastination and future plans.

yesterday i was hooked up to a IV on morphine today Im cooking indian food and pumpkin pie on dark chocolate shortbread crust.... what the hell is up with that. my life is one bipolar disorder.

I welcome the fall with open hands and a open heart. winter i just don't know about you yet.

My weakness My Mistakes In these two Self-portraits they show hidden messages to me of what they mean for instance my weakness and mistakes even if in the photograph themselves don't show off all of them just by looking at them Im reminded of them all. its time i take these years of my 12 year old childish sadness and make them grown in to a 22 year old women with strength. I'm going to make something out all of this.Its not the lack of someone in my life that Im missing its myself that I'm

looking through old photographs the only memories are the ones i have alone. to many photographs alone,not enough time in here to fill them.

got myself a job at whole foods and will be living in apartment by myself in the next couple of months things are turning themselves around at a nice pace.

As hard as i try i cant seem to get him out of my head all the short little memories we had within that 4 month period of 3 weeks of having human interaction with each other and the in between when we had good long conversations online.But I'm still a little fullish to think that things could of gone on a lot longer. He is stuck in a life where focus is on him and his future and i just wasn't in it as much as i told myself i was. It was just a little moment for him like the rest he has had after his ex-girlfriend. I don't even see myself as a good friend of his as much as he tells me that I m. I have learned from the past month of living on couches that what a person says is most likely not what they truly feel unless they can show you other wise with their actions. honesty is hard to come by even a stranger lies what does a stranger have to lie about.. Just so it doesn't make what they are actually thinking look bad.. well sorry to bust the bubble but there are little bad things we all think it only makes it easyer for both if the truth is spoken from the get go. this is why relationships don't come my way because Im always focus on the one that says he will call because when they are around they show as though they are interested so I'm giving a little hope. I cant seem to turn away when hope shows through just a little. so i shall no longer rely on hope but yet rely on what is... what action if no action takes place i shall not enter. I'm putting what i though was wise in a box then burning it.I cant trust my gut anymore.

this twists my brain .Im wrapped up in my thoughts. my cheeks taste like the ocean at least once a day. more then half the hours of the days of the weeks i feel this pressure against my body like then air is forcing me down. but I'm mistaken the air for these weighted down thoughts that i cant seem to explain to myself anymore. I have always thought i could handle beginning alone most of the days but it just seems to be harder to keep on telling myself its alright. I'm ready to show another that when I'm cleaning and find myself bored i put on music and act as though my life as no worries and that i could float on this world with a relaxed out look. That when i lay in bed I enjoy crying on another persons chest and it makes me feel better. I want to be put to sleep by someone playing with my hair. Im ready to know the ins and outs of another. I'm tried of playing this singles game... i was never good at musical chairs I need that safety chair i would like not to be singled out anymore.

I find myself clinging on to this windy city,but what is it Im holding on to. i can never make out what my mind is thinking when it choses for me to stay here. I have put myself in a situation where I call for friends and random strangers to take me in. lost that awful thing that gave me a sources of income.I find i have no responsibilities to others but only to myself. I have never been in such a state of life that Im in now. Im living off of cheap beer and boxed rice. In the beginning of next month im taking a small bike trip out to the place im avoiding the most. Ill be experiencing the corn fields in a whole new way. Ill be taking a different means of travel transportation that most would never think of doing. for what to find what i have left inside of me. to forget about a past love I dont know why im forcing myself to spend what money i have left to seek something out within myself. when to be honest its probly just a waste of my time and the worlds.

Dan what happened to you,get your ass back here.... your work here is not done

the only thing i have left of him is photographs and a new camera. I dont get to hear his voice anymore and or confersations are little and short. Im not of interste to him anymore what a shame

I come and go i follow the seasons no money in my pockets grease in my hair they come and go they follow the bodys no blood in their brains grease in their hands

what can i say im a smiley faced whiskey girl