i dont really know what to say ne more.. Personally im soo sick of everything. I hate fucken school, i just dont even want to come nemore, not because of people, but because i fell so fucken stupid. I sit in classes and everyone knows what they are talking about and im like clueless. and it makes me feel like a failure. i dont want to fail my 11th grade year. but seriously i dont think im gonna pass my history final or my math B...Fuck... Everynight i go home, and i realize that i do have a very good life, and that i am very privleged, and that my life could be worse, but then i start getting thoese pains in my chest, and my heart starts to beat really fast. and i get scared. Im sweating all the time, and i dont know what the fuck to do. MY lungs are constantly burning, and my head throbs ALLLLL the time.. i have a perminate migrane. My arm is all brused from me getting my blood taken every 3 weeks, and im just soo sick of being poked and pryed at that i just wish i would just die. cuz im so sick of being sick. and im sick of having this skin disease, adn im sick of being alone in all this. NOONE knows what it feels like to go to bed at night in soo much fucken pain you dont know if ull die or not. Then there is doug. Me and him NEVER fight. EVER.. but he does some dumb things sometimes that just makes me want to SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKEN HEAD.... Hes sooo fucken smart and has soo much going for him, but he hardly ever shows up to C.j ne more.. and i blame it on me. i know that its his desision what he does but i cant help but worry about him and his future... New Song--Alanis Morisette You Outta Know Im really starting to care about him alot too.. and that scares me.. cuz i dont know wheither it will be okay in the end. But i still put up that fucken wall between me n him cuz im SO scared of getting hurt again, i cant let him in all the way cuz what if this turns out to be bullshit like it was before. I mean ive thought i was in love before, and it turned out to be this bigg bunch of bullshit, and i hope i NEVER EVER EVER SEE HIM AGAIN :-/ Half the time i sit here and i wonder what would of happened if i had never fucked shit up if i would of just said what had happened and told him... but then i realize, he would of fucked me over either way. hes deff. not even worth one goddamn thought of breath or letter in this fucken journal. Hes nuthing to me and never will be ever again Well the bell rang and im just carrying on like a fucken winey brat so i guess ill leave it at that. So im off to Env. Science, and then Boces to sit there without Douglas... godd i hate this... & & When I Close My E-y-e-s And Picture My Life With You, I Realize N o O n e Else Ever Really Mattered At All