The warm sensation tingled all over my skin, as I dipped myself gently into the water tonight. It felt as though soft tiny finger tips were caressing my body, working away the pain of the day. As I let myself drift into an ecstasy of thoughts - lending themselves to you joining me tonight, a sudden pit welled up in my stomach. The soft tiny finger tips gradually became an unbearable bed of nails, as the realization washed over me that you wouldn't be joining me tonight. A conflict grew in my minds eye as I considered whether or not I actually wanted YOU with me tonight, or if I simply wanted someone. Anyone. A sting grew in my eyes as I closed them tightly to crush away the heartbroken tears. Taking in as much air as I could, I let myself sink into the tub. Engulfed by the foamy bubbles I let gravity drop away. I felt the memories of you peel away layer by layer, as I kept dropping further into the warm grasp of the water: as though purging you from my system. Time wore on ever so slowly, as I tried to muster the strength to break the waters surface again. Surging through the water, I felt the weight of the world collapse back onto my shoulders. I felt like a pillar close to toppling, agony and despair rattling through my bones like lightening. The warm sensation of the water barely a memory, I stood up to face you again… Here I am. Confiding in a little space of internet oblivion. My heart is caged up, fighting to keep beating, fighting to give in. Conflicted beyond comprehension. Said I loved you, but I lied.

I no longer feel the affectionate resonance of joy in my being. I feel as though romance right now, can be likened to an aircraft: the main door has been opened - and all the air has been sucked out. Everything is desolate. Devoid. I feel as though my inner core, once powered by romance and hunger, is now nothing but an empty space. A longing exists now. An engulfing forlorn desperation that screams, and yearns to be filled again. Like a calm warm spring would bring to the weary... I whisper "Rejuvenate me." I want to know what it is to feel desired for again. I want to feel my hands lose control, and search his body again, find an answer to a burning sensation of wanting, of needing. To feign for, and be feigned over. I want to feel the joy of my heart exploding, and my eyes welling up uncontrollably as he kneels before me, ring in hand. But instead there is one heart wrenching thought. Am I not the right person for you? to block all the things stopping you from reaching out to me? Is your mind not persuaded by me? Must my heart always feel the cruel clutches of desperation? … Or even worse, must I always feel like our opportunity has been, and when you do ask me - It won't mean half as much, because i'm just sick of waiting.

Wow, the last entry back fired and a half - Do I ever feel like the world's biggest idiot... Do I date the world's biggest idiot? Am I the idiot for staying here... WE ALL FALL DOWN!

Small annoyances become bearable; morning breath really isn't an issue. Jumping through hoops for a simple glance is out the window - just like pretending to be someone else. The laughs are genuine and no longer forced. How wonderful it feels to never have a lurking sense of doom lingering about, like you're hanging by a thread with your teeth! That you're walking on glass... for these are situations no longer present. I look forward to seeing you, listening to you, talking to you and laughing with you. You're all I look forward to. The future I see only exists with you in it - you saunter about in my mind constantly, and I’d go into battle willingly for you. If you locked the keys in the car tomorrow, and were stuck in the pouring rain I’d certainly walk to you with an umbrella in hand. The smile might fade somewhat, but inside I’d be elated just knowing you were alright – and that I had the opportunity to take care of you. Sometimes we grit our teeth, and other times we cry, but the dark times are always followed with that sweet silence of forgiveness, and the appreciative clutches that speak about loving you better than any sonnet ever could. In our dimly lit living room, you slept as I smiled down upon you like I do most nights – though you wouldn’t know. Sometimes I touch your face gently, and you stir. I refrain when I can, and retreat almost as quickly as I appeared. But don’t ever feel that I’ve left your side, for as hardened as I am becoming there will always be that part of me that simply says… I love you dearest, I certainly do. Good morning smaggy. xx

Dear darlings, 5 years on - and I still love you all as though this were our first day meeting. Mmm mmm mmmmm! xx Niv .

I saw him again, he teased my eyes gorgeously. What more could i say other then - Nothing. My Bladder went weak, and my stomach practically screamed with Fear, as my Heart Flopped about Hopelessly on the Ground, as though it were a Fish out of water. Air escaped my Lungs, and my Chest again tightened with the Deprivation of Air. The Shopping Bags in my hands melted - With the Burning Sensation filtering through from Bone to Flesh, I felt like a Deer caught in Headlights - Beautiful it is, Though far more Frightening then Beautiful. I can't stand when our eyes lock, if only for a Second each time, My eyes want to cry shrill Tears of Confusion to him. Don't do this to me..... Stop making me want to Perform for you, don't draw my mind into Endless Dwellings of Possible Happening. I can't stand you, because it's the hardest to have to turn, and walk away - Knowing you will Remain. Ahh yes, I have also seen -her- again. Miss World as she thinks, i mean -Miss Universe i am the Centre of your World. She gave me that same sh|t faced looked she always gives me. Didn't even bother to say a Begrudged -Hey this time even. Her eyes like everyone's - Spoke far louder. She obviously wanted to Roast me over Cat on a Nip. I wouldn't have minded either, she still will never get my Soul, Or Respect. Let alone does she Deserve it, not ??... Pfft. I stroll on by Innocently, leaping into the clutches of water, to end with a climactic thud, of Beer and Nachos. The smell is amazing - Like an Eternal Aphrodisiac -- Pure Lust Burning Sexual Desire. Of nothing more then Glee. That i am Indeed writhing of Freedom. If not Gleaming of it. Which in her eyes, makes her sickness of Me, Grow Stronger, more painful, more annoying... And Better still - More envious. My Nonchalance to Life is the Simple Secret of all that is Humble and Happy. I Wish i were a Bumble Bee... It looks fun to Fly around like that - And not be -Percieved- an Alcoholic Bum. Plus i can get all the Sweet Honey Lovin' i want, without having to Rob a Store - with my Rubber Duck, and Spongebob Plushie. Ahh Loyal to the end they are.

If i sat in front of you... Would you really Care to know me, coming from me ?? Or would you have already have decided ??... Upon more Pond-Upon-Ering-Upon Ponderous Ponde-ering. I came to the Conclusion, that everybody Judges somebody, by the first Ten Seconds, My mind would have already have mapped this person out. Stereo-typing them. I want to know your -ilk. I need a deeper insight, Hopefully you'd change my mind, so that i would realise i had judged you so - Unfairly, you'd surprise me as a New-Unexpected ol' Chum !!! And we' jump on the Merry Wagon, as the Clydesdales trod along heavily, Hooves a-scraping at the Narrow Cobblestone Path laid out, and have Belly-warming chuckles, of Learning fact after fact in each other. Would you like me to shout you the first Round when we reach our Destination ?? Outside the rain will beat down softly, tapping our noses and cheeks. Our faces will be painted and clothed in Pink, as smiles warm our lips. Our Objective - the doorway, fit for two, to stroll in side by side. Amidst the fiery warmth and glow, the Belly Deep Rumbles of Laughs will echo. We too shall join the fun. To rest arm upon shoulder, and Rib to Rib our Night will Reside away. With Beer, and dancing, and chuckles that Float, through air to greet our ears. We'll bear away this cold gloomy night, to be content in the Warmth. Would you expect this to be my Idea of Fun ?? After all, i am 5 8', a female, have many a piercings - Among - the nose, and a tattoo.... And am just a little less weary, then could be..

Okay. Well i'm slightly more familiarised with this place, and no doubt have been ranting and raving a whole lot of nothing, Well there's going to be a lot more of that i am sorry. =S..... Now, I just need to figure out this Friend thing.. Mwu ha ha >:) Who wants to be my Victim??.. I mean err *Friend* FRI-END .. Pheww. Anyway, I managed to sort out a lil Html skit and get me a flash lil Action when you Scroll over it, Now how un-neanderthol is that !?! * Cough * Uhmm.. On the Brighter side of things.. I absolutely ADORE this quote me mate Grizz Displays upon his MSN Display Pic. The Dumber the People think you are... The more Surprised they're going to be... WHEN YOU KILL THEM !!!!!!!!!! * Swoons *

Depths of engulfing enticement tear us apart constantly. As though days were night fraught with peril beyond the comprehension of an everyday you, or me. A mind able to perceive vulnerabilities before occurrence. As though a disease eating through flesh - recognised at a glance but not immediately diagnosed. This kind of mind was debilitating from the inside out, such as a broken heart. Pain beyond physicality, pain unlike headaches - a cure not always what you would suspect. She wore a skin thick with hardened isolation, year upon year built up a protective shell - a bless, yet also a curse. Inabilities to reach out for inner fulfilment, leading down a dark spirally well. The depths tore open and swallowed her again. How is one meant to ask for mercy? Surely all would scoff from their towers, as though she was simply crying wolf. Depths within depths. A sickening reality. True testaments to characters within the painted faces of her past and present. Each mark represented on her skin told a story of her strength. All around marvelled upon her prevailing tenacity - the truth could not be more removed. The horrible beast rose it's head, as a vicious circle began to rule her life. Scars to others represented power and exuded confidence, each scar to her tore at her inner being busting her down into a broken shelled spirit. Each scar imprinted itself deep into her breast. She carried these lessons as a burden. Herculean strength is no longer present. The blood coursing within her veins tore thick with razor sharp thorns puncturing at her inner core. Celebrations of the gentle movements of the unborn inside her were outweighed and replaced with the horrors of her past. Future projections of her life no longer showed themselves to soothe the afflicted wounds... Don't leave her alone to drown amongst these faceless atrocities. You could save her, if you simply swallowed that egotistical smirk down. This entry was written, after i watched a show on monkeys. Lol.

Gentle lashings of candle lit finger tips dance upon our frames, accentuating an unspoken appreciation of the gift within purity. Given half a chance we would have devoured each other sweetly - before forlorn tenderness drove our bodies to the melodious beat of dreams, and purgatory. We got much more than we bargained for, in the candle lit softness of each other's company... The wondrous re-discovery of those first tender moments, before our bodies ever sank in to each other... How much more could our minds absorb?... Lost within our own fortress of meandering, and fawning. Each portion of you and of I, enriched under the loving graceful watch of the dancing flame, as it generates a room enveloping trance. We can not help but surrender to its unkempt ability to douse out all around us, but the flawless visions of each other. Giving in to the gentle nature of the flickering flame, we take our time in locking gazes of compassion and solace. The wick is low now, and we realise the passionate glow will fade shortly. I’d give half my heart to restore the candle, in an effort to prolong this moment. It spilt forward a flawless domain, in which you and I gave exchanged precious portions of our soul, and our knowledge. Not once did our little candle ask for a return in favour, not once did our little candle sway of intension, but always it gave unconditionally. The soft light dipped into a low, and before long waned until it was no more. It was no more, and we set sail to our separate purgatories.

Wow, 2008. This diary has gotten to know the sensation of neglect. Naughty naughty. Things change within this life, that can not be comprehended. Why is it, that life is a shelf? and the smallest of issues, are the grabby handed kids - that run in to the shelf, push and pull the shelf... Everything sitting pretty upon the shelf is affected. My mind is that shelf. Small tiny insignificant nothings haunt my thoughts constantly, and an ever consuming flame is burning deep within the pit of my stomach. The monster constantly speaks to me in a small hours of the night, and i find myself struggling with this idea of 'happiness'. As for 'us'. Our hands are full again, full of eachother. We speak to each other through touch, we replace words with heart felt clutches. Kisses come few and far between, we sprinkle them between conversing, sleeping, and dreaming of eachother. Our bodies fit together so perfectly. Too perfectly. The moments never seem to last long enough. The sensation of breath against my bare neck teaches me to understand the reactions of my body, towards this motion. It is still scared - i am still scared. Not uncomfortable, or fearful - but more akin to shy. That young, untouched, unspoiled Nivvy comes flooding back in to my being. She brings with her memories of the first time he touched me. Far deeper than flesh, than the butterflies, much deeper than looking in to his eyes for the first time, and expressing the love for him - not the love we 'fell' in to... The genuine love of each other... So deep he penetrated a portion of my soul previously inaccessible, to even i. It is an amazing journey - This journey accounts for the lack of entries in this little corner of sharing... The moments play back to me in sweet, slow rhythms. My head fills with drunk intoxication of fortune, and blessings. You're my sweetheart. Elivating me to a level of humble appreciation. Breathing feels more fulfilling than ever, my chest swells with a compassion. A pop occurs in my head, that clears the monster out. My shoulders are those of Hercules, and i can carry on again. Reflection folks. Always reflect on that special something/one. To even the fierce, it brings a soothing peace.

Well now. Welcome back again Niv. Just where the hell have i been? More to come .... I leave this Saturday. Dec o3/12/o5 Nineteen days of hell, having my ass handed back to me - day in, and day out. Being told how to iron my pillow cases, and when i can take a shit. Sound interesting don't it?? ... Imagine living it. Oh boy. Anyway - A Proud Moment for me What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852NameBirthdateYou killedWith aOnJuly 14, 2011Quiz created with MemeGen! What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852NameBirthdateYou killedWith aOnSeptember 10, 2014Quiz created with MemeGen!

Yeah. I'm like a ... phantom. Nivphantom! You barely log in these days, hardly leave comments for people to get uptight over, and most of all - you don't call! Slut Niv. I thought you Loved Me! - Yours NO longer, sitdiary. (Bitch) Pfft, anyways, this is old and out-dated. My bad. Why, i'm not even 19 years old anymore! I'm 20. Go me. No longer, an "angsty teen" but a "slave". Yeah, mental creativity died out since before i arrived back here. My bad x2! The latest Gossip! Hoh'migosh, kay - i have a semi-life. Apparently. That's on the excuse list as to why i have been absent. Well err, also, work sucks. Another excuse. Oh yeah, i have a dog now! She's great. Ruff-Dog. Er, nothing. Yeah - best excuse yet! NOTHING! Okay well, to all those Loyal Niv-fans out there, free pizza for all! (Except the ones who eat more than half of one slice each, sorry! Funding, budgets - and revenue to deal with!) Blame the Government! Damn bishes! And with this note. It's off to do, whatever it is, that i like to do - Circle appropriate answers (a) Nothing (b) Your mother (c) I burped (d) Short attention span Peace Partners!

That's right. Left, or whatever floats your goat. Personally i like goats in a boat on a rainy day - somewhere in the middle of Ireland. Doesn't fit does it? Like the way i seem to feel as each day rolls on by, much like the way it feels as you try 'til you foam at the mouth to cram your feet into that set of shoes you always loved to wear, yet agonised over for months to follow due to the ever-increased swelling of your feet. Only to find because you wore them on the wrong feet. Well now - aint that a kick in the arse then? It's like trying to impress your boss for the entire night, everybody seems to lean to the first ear in listening proximity; some cackle; howl; glare. - Your ego boosts that they're envious faces can't help but remain fixated Is it because of your success? No. Your fly is down. Way to go hotshot.

Mmmmmm early mornings. We don't really get along all that often, though today was different. We managed to lock fingers and coincide hand in hand. It's like walking hip to hip with your arch-nemisis; without begrudgingly tugging their hair from the back while they're not looking - Prior Definition of Early between the ears of Chanel. ---- Obsolete; defunct - a Jabberwocky to that in which did not exist prior to November 30th.. ---- Yes dear people, Blessed with the fortune of being a Kiwi - i'm almost almost a day ahead of most; besides a few - whom i don't happen to be ahead of. Hmm. This in tow i would like to enlighten you all on the fact that there is nothing really that interesting in your Future. Happy Birthday dear baby Sister. It isn't every day we turn 5 now is it? Oh yes. In Breaking News!!! I decided i like Black over Blue. Now i understand for those of you who came to grips with the Blue - i am sorry for your loss. However, today is a new day. I am so Proud of myself Here's why; What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852NameBirthdateYou killedWith aOnApril 5, 2017Quiz created with MemeGen!

I can't decide. Do i like the colour Blue? Or black? Or is it simply because i can't bend the spoon... Well at least not yet, once the Rigor Mortis sets in completely i shall be fine once again - it's just waking up in the morning that happens to ruin my entire day. Not to mention my peaceful slumber! Of which has been absent as of late. These people i associate with are a little too Hard-Knock for me these days - seeing as body and mind no longer seem to agree on anything, besides Bed is the best Cure for Life. Never ending excursions are the one for me i think - they're not long, they're not short - they're just right, a value and quality you rarely find these days; be it in a galliant travel across the ditch, a fill your tummy but not bloat it feed etcetera etcetera To lighten the mood somewhat - I decided i like the colour Blue. So here you have it. Revamped. My entire corner on this purgatory we have come to embrace as "The Internet" has had a new face-lift; though it has been long over-due - the waiting is worthwhile to those few loyal to my rants.... Anybody?... Anybody at all? Heh. There you have it. I seem to require a Welcome Back Nivvy every month. Yeesh.

Have you ever walked in Good Faith ?? Or a Path that seems carved out for you ?... As dangerous and unpredictable as it could be at any other given time, you still Walk. Even when the begging of Friends gnaws at you ?? With every step, the faster you move, and the further you retreat -- it feels right. Even though the anger of your Friends lingers in the atmosphere once they track you down. Being scoulded and the unbelieving Glares as the Foul Discontent of your Actions leaves a sour taste in the very mouths that usually smile not frown. We were Clubbing, the two of them were having a good time with the guys. They both obviously had a wonderful time. Why blow the mood with a damp discontent. Didn't seem like i really needed to be there to hold their hands so... I left, and it felt good. I felt like i wasn't being observed. I could be myself, without having to always do better. To perform... Raise the Standards.. as it were. Because in so many eyes, i always must perform to - if not raise these Invisable Standards -- As if that's all that i'm supposed to do with in this Certain Clique. I'm always meant to Produce Pleasing Results. Somehow, doing nothing but being myself for a change, without the Exploitive and believing so Deeply in something that Breaks every Boundary is all we really need to follow.... It beats any Quotation, any Advice or any Medical Prescription around. Just let your Heart do the Walking for a Change -- it does a World of Wonder, even if the World seems against you because you're not Performing to it's Script. Sure it could scare a few, Severe a Friendship or two -- But at the end of the day... Much like Bridges; Friendships will be Rebuilt given Dedication. Press on People. Just have Faith in knowing Faith too can Bend and Twist in the most Unimaginable, Nasty way Possible... And still mean the Best.

And it is in Times like these - I like to Curl into a Rambunctious Heap, and giggle at the Wonder that is - Bowie Crotch. Not that it's a Wonder .. . .. Really. Like the Grand Canyon or the Weird little Specs you see if you Spy Indirectly- to the Sun . . ... .Etc. It's a Wonder how he can still Walk down the Street with his Head up. I find myself in times of these Meanderings, just what exactly i was of course thinking when i began Contemplating on making a Return to this site. Be it Boredom ?? Or somewhere just to be Heard by ears that can't Critically Point the Finger at me, and Nod because they actually know me in Reality outside of this Looking Glass, the Internet. Long has my Absence been. But not a bit has my Entry Scribble changed ?? It almost feels like coming Home, after being in the Army for a Decade - To find your Bed, that tiny Mat you Love to Hate still lies in the corner, the Tiny drawer you hid your First set of Condoms in - Still conceals them (Though Perhaps a little Overdue on the Expiry Date) And of course, those little Fluffs and Furrys in the Corner who sit with their Vacant eyes atop your draw, that have Tales of your Childhood - Stained, bitten or even Burnt into them. Ahh - Chef Teddy. He holds a place in my Heart. As Nose-less - and equally Mouth-less as he is. :) Welcome Home Nivvy.

And have you ever realised, no matter how many people pollute this planet with their Presence... Just how much of a Lonely Place it Actually is. Just like the last Tic-Tac, sitting in the box, which once was so jam packed you'd swear it was a Sardine Can.

Simply because i can not stand Wide Margins.