its been a while lost has happened dont feel like writing long story short dated greg 3 months got dumped been dateing since nothing special new job love it tons shits still messed started smoking again stopped drugs stopped fucking around found a friend worth staying alive for derek amazing guy makes me wanna live hes probly the #1 reason i'm still alive long story short me and dale got in a fight i hate him he said and did some bad things handed me a blade and said do us all a favor and die i wanted to trust me i really did but then derek came to mind and i couldnt do it the thought of how mad he'd be it make me not cut i found my reason not much else to say i could really go for a smoke parentals are home so i cant and everyone is out thats that -derek your my reason

wow...august my last entry its been a long time lots has happened. one year came and went it wasnt that bad turning 18 in 9 days cant wait! i've gone through almost one guy every week since summer its bad i became a drug addicted slutty whore i did my past in more ways then one coke xtc lsd shrooms weed still doing the weed it just makes it better makes me happy fucked kenton several times found out me and riley well we are um RELATED! yea not gettin into that fucked a 25 yr old it was good fucked my ex bestfriends crush several times we were fuck friens its over tho i want something more more then sex i want greg hes new hes amazing i know i say it all the time but hes really good he does weed so do i we can be stoners together yay! lol not sure hes commin over tonight should be ineresting movies and cuddleing i need him i need a hug shit is messed heather and magz yes they hate me again surprise surprise not really im sick of them ones a slut and ones a prude what a combo she says im a whore i dont fuck guys in the the back seat yea she does i also dont go to the bar every night and hook up with my ex's friends you do cuz your a whore!!! and I HATE YOU felt nice to get that one out so ya maggie n mike they broke up for like 3 days their gonna be like me and him i know it thats him for ya oh well weirdest thing dustin came back into life like nothing its weird after a year oo hes dateing a man her name is carmen i hate her ALOT oh well things are weird lately ne who i'll update after tonight with greg:) -just me

i was bored so i decided to do this (x)Pirates of the Caribbean ( )Boondock Saints (x)The Mexican (x)Fight Club (x)Starsky and Hutch (x)Neverending Story ( )Blazing Saddles (x)Garden State (x)The Princess Bride ( )Young Frankenstien ( )AnchorMan (x)Napoleon Dynamite (x)Saw (x)White noise (x)White Oleander (x)Anger Management total here : 12 (x) 50 First Dates (x) Jason X (x)Scream (x)Scream 2 (x)Scream 3 (x)Scary Movie (x)Scary Movie 2 (x)Scary Movie 3 (x)American Pie (x)American Pie 2 (x)American Wedding (x)Harry Potter (x)Harry Potter 2 (x)Harry Potter 3 ( )Resident Evil I ( )Resident Evil 2 (x)The Wedding Singer (x)Little Black Book total here : 16 (x)The Village (x)Donnie Darko (x)Lilo & Stitch (x)Finding Nemo (x)Finding Neverland ( )3 Ghosts (x)Signs (x)The Grinch ( )Texas Chainsaw Massacre (x)White Chicks (x)Butterfly Effect (x)Thirteen going on 30 (x)I Robot (x)Dodgeball ( )Universal Soldier (x)A Series Of Unfortunate Events ( ) Along Came A Spider ( )Deep impact total here : 13 (x)KingPin (x)Never Been Kissed (x)Meet The Parents (x)Meet the Fockers (x)Eight Crazy Nights (x)A Cinderella Story ( )The Terminal (x)The Lizzie McGuire Movie (x)Passport to Paris (x)Dumb & Dumber (x)Dumb & Dumberer (x)Final Destination (x)Final Destination 2 (x)Halloween (x)The Ring ( )The Ring 2 (x)Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (x)Practical Magic (x)Chicago (x)Ghost Ship ( )From Hell ( )Hellboy (x)Secret Window (x)I Am Sam (x)The Whole Nine Yards (x)The Whole Ten Yards (x)The Day After Tomorrow ( )Child's Play (x)Bride of Chucky (x)Ten Things I Hate About You (x)Just Married (x)Gothika ( )Nightmare on Elm Street (x)Sixteen Candles (x)Bad Boys (x)Bad Boys 2 (x)Joy Ride (x)Seven (SE7EN) (x)Oceans Eleven (x)Oceans Twelve (x)Identity total here : 36 ( )Lone Star ( )Predator I ( )Predator II (x)Independence day ( )Cujo ( )A Bronx Tale (x)Darkness Falls ( )Christine (x) ET (x)Children of the Corn (x)My boss' daughter (x)Maid in Manhattan ( )Frailty ( )Best bet (x)How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (x)She's All That (x)Calendar Girls (x)Sideways (x)Mars Attacks total here : 11 ( )Event Horizon (x)Ever after (x)Forrest Gump ( )Big Trouble in Little China (x)X-men 1 (x)X-men 2 (x)Catch Me If You Can (x)The Others (x)Freaky Friday ( )Reign of Fire (x)The Hot Chick (x)Swimfan (x)Miracle (x)Old School (x)Ray (x)The Notebook ( )K-Pax total here : 13 ( )Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring ( )Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers ( )Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (x)A Walk to Remember (x)Boogeyman (x)Hitch ( )Back Door Sluts 9 ( )Anal Acres 1 ( )Anal Acres 2 ( )B-Cup Divas (x)The Fifth Element (x)Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace (x)Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones ( )Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith ( )Star Wars episode IV A New Hope (x)Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back (x)Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi... ( )Troop Beverly Hills ( )Swimming with Sharks ( )Air Force One (x)For Richer or Poorer ( )Trainspotting ( )People under the stairs ( )Blue Velvet (x)Sound of music (x)Parent Trap ( )The Burbs (x)The Terminator (x)Empire Records ( )SLC Punk (x)Meet Joe Black ( )Wild girls (x)A Clockwork Orange ( )the Order (x)Spiderman (x)Spiderman 2 ( )Amelie total here : 17 (x)Mean Girls (x)Shrek (x)Shrek 2 (x)The Incredibles (x)Collateral (x)The Fast & The Furious (x) 2 Fast 2 Furious ( )Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow ( )Closer total here : 7 (x)Titanic (x)Saved (x)Bowling For Columbine ( )Farenheit 9/11 (x)The Sixth Sense (x)Artificial intelligence (AI) (x)Love actually ( )Shutter (x)Ella Enchanted (x)Princess diaries 1 (x)Princess diaries 2 (x)Constantine ( )Million Dollar Baby ( )Envy (x)Eurotrip (x)Malibu's Most wanted (x)Big Daddy (x)Black Sheep (x)The Breakfast Club (x)West side story total here : 15 (x)A Christmas Story ( )Spanglish (x)Pulp Fiction (x)Sleepover ( )The Evil Dead ( )Killer Klowns From Outer Space (x)The seed of chucky (x)Vanilla Sky (x)Nightmare Before Christmas (x)Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind ( )Interview With The Vampire ( )The Crow ( )Purple Rain (x)Reservoir Dogs (x)Wayne's World total here : 9 (x)Wayne's World 2 (x)21 Grams (x)Blow (x)Edward Scissorhands ( )Clerks (x)beauty and the beast (x)Guess who (x)monster in-law (x)eLF (x)stuart little (x)stuart little 2 (x)Mall Rats (x)Chasing Amy ( )Dogma (x)Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back total here : 13 (x)Beetlejuice ( )Last Samurai (x)The Amityville Horror (old or new) ( )The Aviator (x)Romeo and Juliet (x)beauty shop (x)legally blonde (x)legally blonde 2 (x)the forgotten (x)confessions of a teenage drama queen (x)grudge (x)wimbledon (x)bring it on (x)bring it on again ( )flight of the phoenix ( )johnsons family vaction (x)vegas family vacation (x)thirteen days total here : 14 (x)2001: a space odessy ( )dr. strangelove how i came to love the bomb ( )indiana jones and the temple of doom (x)animal house (x)happy gilmore (x)Rocky Horror Picture Show (x)Beavis and Butthead do America (x)School Of Rock (x)GodFather I (x)Godfather II (x)Godfather III ( )Scarface total here : 9 (x)Any Given Sunday ( )The Art of War ( )Still, We Believe total here : 1 How about these: (x)Queen of the Damned (x)Reality Bites (x)The Wall (x)Once Upon a Time in Mexico ( )Spirited Away ( )Cowboy Bebop: The Movie (x)Good Morning Vietnam (x)Mrs. Doubtfire (x)Bruce Almighty (x)Home Alone (x)Home Alone 2 (x)Home Alone 3 (x)The Mighty Ducks (x)The Mighty Ducks 2 (x)The Mighty Ducks 3 total here : 14 ( )Memphis Belle (x)Last of the Mohicans (x)Shawshank Redemption (x)Spy Kids (x)Spy Kids 2 (x)Spy Kids 3-D ( )Dark City (x)Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (x)Minority Report ( )beaches (x)Sweet Home Alabama ( )Dracula 2000 ( )Citizen Kane total here : 8 haha i watch ALOT of movies

these are some poems from a book called "Sunfall" By Dennis Cooley THE END OF THE LINE reached out to send you this line out to send you this line reached to send you this line reached out send you this line reached out to you this line reached out to send this line reached out to send you line reached out to send you this HIS MUSE IN THE GUISE OF A LOONIE LADY COMES TO HIM (& DESIRE FULL IN HER FACE) pudgey moon stuffed with sausages and sauerkraut nudges you awake and cuddles on your pillow there she it wide0eyed & glowing thats her faintly puffing & smelling of beer this crazy woman she climbed through the window when (a) your back was turned (b) she found the ladder (c) you left it unlatched (d) your lips are sealed you aren't talking, not a word of a lie she shoved the curtains aside & there she is now rolling her eyes at you i dont know whats got into her but she seems to have taken a shine to me the dizzy dame so she throws her hair across my face then nuzzels my neck and wet lips my ear & she do pleased moving down over you so importunate she wont let you go how unfortunate back to sleep she beaming & beaming with love at you i loike those 2 poems i did an assignent on the first one for english class

things arent better their worse this week had been hell to say the least gramps is sick again hes not much better they say he might not make it its too soon after his accident i cant take thing speak of which 6 months sunday family gathering you do the math school has been well the usual stress good times bad times that stuff i hate her "candy" such a bitch so nosey cant listen lazy as hell bitchey fuck i hate her she so close minded i wanna just beat her make her feel pain she doesnt know true pain she claims so but she doesnt shes a fucking DUMB CUNT!! glad thats out! well thats all not much else to say -number then ever

its been a while lots has happened its too much to type on the not so brite side i did something something really bad its something the old me would do i hurt someone with sex i lead him on i made him think that i of all people wanted to work it out yea right me work it out not gonna happen first time: you lied you used me you treated me as thought i was your arm candy second time: you cheated end of story third time: FAT CHANCE i wont fall for it not again not this girl i wont get hurt but i will hurt not myself but you i'm sorry i didnt mean to i wish i didnt but i did please for give me it just sort of happened.... -i'm sorry

as i see every one around me hooking up and finding love i feel more alone then ever before i feel left out ignored like no one wants me not a good feeling wish it would change go away wish i could go away hide from all this happyness just be all by myself with no one around no one to hurt me no one to tell me im not good enuf im happy for my friends im happy their happy but at the same time im not happy cause im alone and their not its just not fair ne more i hate this life i want a new one

is it me or is it you was it my fault did i do something wrong or was i just another whore another girl to use cause thats what you did you used me and then you got rid of me you lied you said something would come nothing came of it nothing but pain sadness oo and not to forget everyone makeing fun of me like i'm some slut thanks for giving me such and AMAZING reputation your a jackass I HATE YOU she was right your not worth it i wish i never met you i wish it never happened if i could go back i woulda have never kissed you to begin with im such a fool to think you cared i feel so used and you dont care your just like him all you wanted was a good time you got it and now well now theres nothing nothing but my hatered why the fuck do i bother i try so hard and its always the same i get used i get played i get lied to well no more not again i've given up congrats cause of you i will never again trust a single thing that a man speaks you must feel so proud to use me like that and then just get rid of me why did i think you were different your the same just like the rest a JACK ASS ASSHOLE JERK OFF PRICK the list goes on and your no jeenyus your a jackass i hope you rot in hell you fucking jackass i hope you die -incredably numb

so last night i had fun went to a party met a guy kinda hooked up with him i like him hes cute and hes sweet and hes just my type i wanna get to know him more altho phsically i know him rather well i would say we kinda made out n took off our tops and well if we were totally naked we woulda had sex yea i know great idea hun fuck a guy u just met whatever we all make mistakes sometimes its something we just cant change its not my fault i wanted fun i knew where to get it and i got it one down side tho is hes a stoner but i mean so was i so really its not too bad and im not gonna ask him to quit if ne thing comes of me and him so be it i like him tho its funny i went there to get with one guy n i got with a different one M is too good for me hes smart and hes a good kid ya know? C well now theres a different story hes got that bad boy thing that thing i cant help but want what can i say i like whats bad for me what girl doesnt numb

yea its true i'm happy i havent been in a while but i am i found someone i think he might be the one hes smart hes funny hes nice all around hes a good guy he doesnt live in the city but thats not gonna stop me i wanna get to know him better then tell him i like him hopefully he would feel the same and we could be ya know a couple i havent been one of those in a long long time and i miss it i miss having someone to call my own someone to hold me if i'm sad i just want all that back -not so numb

its been a while cant blame me i've been a tad busy between school the play dance my friends work yea i'm busy to say the least its been one month i still dont sleep well i cant sleep its so hard the dreams are still there they will be for a long time prolly gonna get worse after tonight tonight was hard went to dans saw his car didnt cry but got really mad pissed me off i want someone to feel my pain to go thru what i did but i cant do that i really wouldnt wish that that hell upon my worst enemy this may seem like complaining but its not its venting gettng out my frustrations i need a boyfriend to occupy my time and a punching bag to get out my anger which apparently i have lots of whoda thunk me angry? never! ha bullshyt i got lots of anger recently i seem to have more i'm out peace -numb

its been almost 2 whole weeks and still cant sleep at night.....when it do sleep its ususally not for more then 2 hrs a night. when i was little and things were bothering me or i was upset i would go into scotts room at night and sleep with him cuz i felt safe and when i was older i stopped doing that but knowing he was right there in the room next to me made me feel just taht much better and now knowing hes not there is hard i cant sleep knowing hes never gonna be there i gotta find a way to sleep.....cuz when i do sleep its not nice. when i do sleep i get woken up by the image of his wrecked car against the tree and i wake up scared and crying and i dont know what to do. i miss him so much and i dont think people get how this is affecting me i know i appear calm on the outside but on the inside i'm screwed up i'm scared and lost and i never know wehre to go from where i'm at. i walk around and i dont know where i'm going i'm not all there and people think i'm fine.....no one seems to notice that i've been wondering around like a lost puppy.....its cuz i am i really am lost. i just want him to come back to me......i know i should tell people how i'm feeling but i cant talk to my friends cuz they didnt know him and they cant relate and i just cant talk to my parents i feel like theres no one for me to talk to. i still keep expecting to hear his car drive up the driveway numb

its over with him officially i'm done with his bullshit his lies his decetfullness i'm done! i know its sad but i've found someone not so much found as re-discovered he was an old friend a good friend and i realized i care bout him ALOT and he cares about me and he likes me thats what matters he maybe not be the best but hes mine thats all that matters N always said we would be together she was right and i know her and S they are gonna get back and be happy he can't be happy with kirsti shes no good for him ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ got in a tad fight friends are weird sometiems but its A-OK big missunderstanding thats all it was i hope shes not mad it didnt mean for for THIS to happen i'm sure it'll be fine! -numb

havent talk to him not in a bit but its good were gettin along better then i hoped i'm kinda still upset me and kink were havin a girls night fooding and movies total fatties! should be a good time i'm excited cant wait till then i think he might be the one no i dont mean the sex one the one one i think (think) i love him:S -numb

i've had my doubts lately about him my girl was good to me she told me i'm crazy shes right i'm over reacting hes going through some shit so i'll wait for him no matter how long it takes i'll wait forever got nothing better to do i think i'm in love with him:S -numb

havent written in a bit not much to say still like him always will just want him to like me i dwell on it too much i found out my ex called me not his type i almost missed him i called M the other night i missed him his voice and his laff thats not good but you know how it is the ex sent me a new pic hes gotten cuter why is it they always ALWAYS look better AFTER you dump them?? -numb

i'm confused one minute he likes me the next he back off i like him ALOT i wanna be there for him it bothers me hes just outta my reach and i want him i just dont get guys N says hes attracted to me n that he wants to get to know me hes got a funny way of showing it -numb

when you say you gonna call call i'm sick of it guys who promise they'll call but never do D said he would call me he hasnt and probly wont bullshit fuck i hate this N got my hopes up told me he said he would call he hasnt he wont why wont he i like him so much i just FUCK!!!!!!!!! -numb

i hate him i honest to god HATE HIM i hope he dies i know its mean but what he said i cant forgive that he called me dirrty said i would fuck whoever said alot of mean shit said my life is perfect bullshit his life is perfect his parents buy his love he doesnt have to work he has it all he thinks that i got the life yea perfect if you consider screming and yelling perfect he doesnt know the half if he did he wouldnt think different hes close minded i'd like to see him just live one day just one in my shoes he wouldnt last and hr being me numb

last night i had a dream a really weird deam it was a sex dream he was in it no not my usual he this is an old he this is bad i need to talk to N she'll know what to do she always does i mean i THOUGHT i liked my shell boy but maybe just maybe i have hidden feelings for for my gangster boy i dont know N was supposed to call me on monday its friday now she still hasnt called i'm pissed i need her n shes not there for me she said would be ack i'm stressing over nothing it was nothing nothing more then a dream a sex dream but none the less a dream no more talking or thinking about the sex dream i had about my gangster boy! numb