Today I realized that nothing will help me. There's not one damn thing I can do to make any of this better. The book, Prozac Nation is my only way out of my world. I can escape from this hell to someone else's hell. Nice. I feel so alone in a crowd. Not being able to be happy kills me. I think I could actually die if I had no one. Although I do feel alone I'm not alone. Never am I alone like I want to be. I just want my life back. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to die so sad. I want my life to be perfect but it will never be. I might even spend the summer in some mental ward. (I can only wish, right?) I just need for people to just leave me alone. I think I'm getting tired of people asking, "What's wrong?". Or maybe I want people to actually listen and care or maybe even understand. I want to have friends that understand depression and cutting. No one knows me at all and I hate it. I think I hate and actually like that the book I'm reading, Prozac Nation seems like I wrote it about myself minus the drugs and her being in college. I need so much help but I know no one could give me enough help. I'm alone in all of this. I need to be saved b/c I'm falling so fast, it's almost too late. I can't even cry anymore. My tear ducts are broke down and might never be working again. I only wish I could be alright but I heed help for it. Maybe it's worse than depression. God, I hope not. I just want to be alright. Is that too much to ask for? I hate being sad and empty. It does get pretty old. I wonder why I have no one b/c I'm so broken up and I don't want anyone around me. So, why should anyone like me if I never smile? How can I even expect to look half way alright if I never smile and only laugh when something is funny. That something is usually something mean. I really don't understand what's wrong with me, I'm so different than I used to be. It's scares me how moody I am. It seems I just want to be isolated but I don't want to be all alone. I never want to be bothered or ignored. I can't make up my mind on anything. Let's face it, I'm depressed. But saying it over and over doesn't make it go away. I can't hide the fact that I'm falling apart. But I hate that no one sees it. No matter how many clues I give them. I hate it. I just want to be normal and happy. And I never will be. Unless I get some help. I'm running out of time. I'm on a runaway train to nowhere pretending to be leaving all of this.--