Bipolar. Borderline Personality Disorder. Complex PTSD. I'm 23. Two kids. Future Husband. Follow me... http://myspace.com/junkie86

Myspace is better. Go there. Now, damn it. Message me. And I'll add you.--

Nothing is really set in stone. There has been talk of in the near future going to Myrtle Beach for a well deserved vaction with my hunnie. And I plan to marry this man in a couple of years. Nothing can be more perfect. I'm in love.--

I've been thinking about all the other guys that obviously weren't good enough. And I think about how either they screwed up or I screwed it up for them. I've grown a lot through the years and I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I know what path to follow in life I just don't know how to get there yet and I haven't quite made it there either. Life is a very slow process. It will take me sometime to get everything in order. I know even right now that me and Lee can be together for a long time. I mean we both have growing to do but I know in time everything falls right where it's suppose to be. And now I do actually believe my life has some purpose that I wasn't just put here to be depressed and to fail. I was created for some reason. I don't know what that reason is but I'm starting to realize life happens no matter how bad it is..... shit happens. It's just our choice of how we deal with everything. There's a lot in my past that I know if things we're different and I didn't have loving people around me and my strong will power I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have gave everything up for someone else, they would have won; not me. This is my life and I control my future. It's not for anyone else to control. Life is filled with two-way streets, dead-end roads, bumps and curves. We just have to learn along the way of how to deal with everything we're given or thrown. I've figured out a lot by living my life so far. I know I have a lot to learn. But what no one understands is I've been through shit, I've seen hell. I've been up so close to hell I felt the fire burn my skin. I'll tell you one thing me and my best friend both have seen our own share of hell, we're still living. It's been hard but we have found a way to get through everything together. And I know there are going to be things in the future that we're going to either get from or give to someone else. We're bound to do great things together. And we have men with us to help us when we fall just like we've picked up each other every time before. We're growing up and living. I just want people to have some idea that there's more to life that just the bullshit. More to life than 'she said, he said', more than who's screwing who or who wants to, more than rumors, more than the pay check you bring home, more than the things at your job, more than anger, more than fusisng, more than everything. There are things in life that leave your heart in a million pieces and leaves your soul rotted. Things you can't just fix with forgetting or ignoring. Life is deeper than what you see on the surface. Just wait and think before you say certain things to people. You might hurt them if you don't understand what they've been through. Just remember there is always someone who has it worse than you and always someone who has it better.--

There are so many loose ends in my life. Things I need to tie up but I just won't and can't. So many things has happened in my life some great other's not so great. Most I can't explain. I wish I could feel all of the love I deserve from everyone. My future isn't promised to me obviously and everything can change in one second. I guess I just want so much and that's why I'm getting let down so hard. I thought life would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I want people to support me and care. I guess I have a fucked up thought of how people should show me they care. And it's not going according to the plan. I think lust and love are two different things and everyone should be mature enough to tell them apart. And everyone should be adult enough to act only on love or lust. Please just be honest with me that's all I've ever wanted. I just have so much in my head and I think it's just my emotions of every other problem trying to control everything else. I can't tell if it's my mind or my heart or just my crazy emotions. Damn it.--

God I didn't think anyone could love me as much as he does. And I don't know how I ever deserved all of this. Lee knows everything about me. I've told him everything from my life and he still stays around. We closer than I've ever been with anyone in my life. I'm usually so distant but not with him. I'm totally comfortable with him. I love them way he looks at me, like he wants me and will want me forever more. God it's wonderful. I've never been this happy or so much in love in my entire life!--

I fuckin' love Lee to damn death. I swear it is perfect between us. I feel like we take care of each other. Like we're both in this relationship 100%. And I've never felt as comfortable, secure, and so in love than I am now. I always tend to fuck everything up in a relationship but this time I have no second thoughts or anything. I feel like this is what I've been waiting for my whole life, someone like him just to complete me in every way possible. It's like he takes all the bad away and all I see is either how to work everything out or only the positive. It's like the whole world is perfect. I respect all of the advice and his opinions. And I trust him with all of my heart. And I have a problem with trust. I really do. It's like all of my worries go out the fuckin' door. And I just love being around him. He is so wonderful to me. And I don't think words can ever fully express the love I have for him. I think the shit I've been through has just made me deserve this. And now since I can love myself I've found out I am able to love someone else.And his mom and s-mom are wonderful to me. I know they don't fake it. I went with them to take him to the hosiptal when he was sick. He stayed with me when I was sick. I could barely even move and he took care of me. And the way he was with me I knew that he really did care. No one has cared about me that much.I've never been treated this good. I actually do deserve something good. And I have it now.--

We're moving. We found a different house. This one is in hamlet. 307 Oak Ave. We're moving in the 15th of this month. I can't wait. I have most of my shit packed up and we're moving boxes over there tomorrow. And I'm trying my best to buy shit. Thank god I get paid Friday after we move in. B/c that helps a lot.--

The whole gang is moving out. And evenutally my baby, Lee will move in with me. But I don't want to rush that. Although I would love to sleep all night with him. And be able to sleep naked with out everyone walking through my room. That really bothers me. This way I'll have to guest house. SO it will be better. We've already paid the first months rent and the deposit and all that shit. So by Monday we'll be moved. Or close to moving in. I'm so happy with my boyfriend. I didn't ever think anyone could make me this happy. And I didn't ever think I could love soneone as much as I love him. I'd di for him b/c I love him so much. He's so good for me.Wonderful!--

When someone surprises the hell out of you. And you can't keep from flirting back. And you can't wait til you actually go out with them b/c he really asked. He didn't really hint around liking you, he actually came out and said so. When you're trying to figure out if you do actually want to date him and have a relationship with him. Do I want to waste my time on someone that I think likes me or the guy I know likes me? Grrrr....

I want someone who will love me but I have to love myself first. I understand this now. I have to take everything slow. So maybe this time it may be worth it. Be friends with him before you want to sleep with him. I have to remind myself of this everytime I look at him. I feel like a whore b/c of the one and a half-night-stand. Do I really want to be that easy? I guess I thought he really liked me. But he didn't like me enough to even want to understand me. He never once took interest in my poetry, music, or art. It's pretty sad that I was wishing for so much more than I could have ever got from him. And it was just stupidity that got me so heart broken. And I could kick myself every day for that. I want no pity for this mistake. I guess I thought more of the attention than anything else. Someone paid me the attention I thought I deserved and in reality I didn't deserve that at all. The lust in a person's eyes when they look at me makes me sick. I really hate it.--

Robert come by last night to say good bye, he's leaving for Ocean Isle beach. He's moving. I couldn't even face him. I had this dream that he came over and things didn't go so well, he like flipped out in my dream. I just didn't feel good about seeing him so I followed my gut and told him to leave. And the guy from work which I had sex with didn't call me for a while and wondered why I was upset. I didn't even tell him I was upset b/c it didn't really matter to me. He's just a cheater that's all. It wasn't anything to brag about either. So I was a little tore up but that's just b/c I felt a little something for him in my heart. But it's alright. I'm over that. Thank god.--

This guy from work, Marty, likes me. I like him too. We're talking now. He has a girlfriend but for some reason I don't care. I really do like him. And he's good to me. Very sweet.--

My old ways have only left and I'm here with a empty shell of memories of what I used to do. Before I had anyone in my life. When I was just a no one and I was perfected and nothing. Just a no one. With no soul. Now I'm full with my newly bought soul.--

I've only started with Christmas. Blah. It's getting too close for it's own good. Today at work was good. Someone from myspace knew who I was. He come in today and was like are you Narcissistic Junkie. I'm like "Yea?". Then he sent me a message that he was sorry if he was so werid. It actually wasn't werid. I love my baby. She got home late from my house and now she's grounded and can't talk to me on the phone which sucks. Very sad. Thank god for e-mail and myspace.--

I really do love her. She's my world and I just get lost in her eyes. I really miss her and I want to see her. I didn't go to work today b/c I felt like shit. And I woke up late and didn't want to rush to get to work. Damn it. Hopefully we'll get to spend time together when she's off from school and before daddy gets back. Oh yea daddy's fine and he loves China. He said the food was spicy but so good. And the people there didn't drive so well, so fast and wild like there's no rules besides stopping at stop lights. And he thinks China is so pretty. It's nice that I heard from him. I do miss him.--

It's been so great. I'm going to mom's house for almost 3 weeks tomorrow night. Daddy is leaving Tuesday. He'll be gone til Christmas. It's okay. I'll miss him but 'you only live once, don't you?' Hopefully I'll get to see my baby while I'm at mom's. God I love her. She's so good to me. I've wrote so many poems this week. They are all wonderful poems. I'll post later.--

Tegan and Sara- Clever Meals They're all desperate for love and affection No they're desperate for you, And as you sit up there All sly and *sure I want it* Does anyone think as strongly As you do I'm quite sure we'll find one another In a place that's better then this A time filled with us and we Send up our shooting stars and comets Yeah we make our little gestures Yes we make our little comments This song is my anthem And it makes up my ideas And who I am As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals All my cleverly planned meals I'm stripped and vital and I see rules that almost fit So if I voice my opinion will you stay and sit And as I stand here screaming in despair I said yes this is my life and yes you should care (yes this is my life and yes you should care) This song is my anthem (close your eyes) And it makes and it makes up my ideas And here I am (and you'll free your mind) As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals (you're free to fly) All my cleverly planned meals ( just say close your eyes) (and I will free your mind, you're free to fly) Hardly happy at all And I'm ready to take the fall Cause we pay for the stupid things we've done We come from Can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep (can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep) Will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap (will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap) So if I speak more clearly if I make more sense (so if I speak more clearly if I make more sense) Will you just shut your mouth you won't come across quite so dense And so close your eyes Free your mind, you're free to fly Close your eyes I free my mind, I'm free to fly I said close your eyes And may you free your mind You're free to fly I said close your eyes And may you free your mind You're free to fly She said close your eyes And free your mind, you're free to fly She said close your eyes Free you mind, free to fly Close your eyes Close your eyes I will free your mind, you're free to fly This song is my anthem, And it makes up my ideals And who I am As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals All my cleverly planned meals

I love the way she stares at me with that look on her face. Like she's just admiring me like a work of art. I love the way she kisses me when I want it the most. Like she knows me some how. I love how she makes everything disppear when I'm with her. Like she magically freezes time. I love the way she touches me and lights me on fire. Like she can't get enough of how my body feels. I love how she holds my hand. Like she'll never let go. I love how she smiles when I look at her. Like she knows all of what I'm thinking. And most of all I love being with her. Like nothing in the world will make me feel the way she does.--

I wrote a poem but it sucks. I was I can get my writing back to the way it was before it was ruined. Damn shit. But I have all of those others poems that I've wrote. They are really beautiful poems. Isn't that great? lol. I think Lowes is beating me up when I turn my head. B/c I got a cut on one hand and the other one is bruised. Oh well. I just hate how people think just b/c I'm a girl I can't lift a fuckin' a box with a fan in it. Oh whatever. Just b/c I'm little. But I love LaCourtney and Sandra more than anyone else at Lowes besides Jason, Kevin and Steve. Not dateable guys of course. lol. I talked to Danielle on the phone she's in the hospital b/c she had her baby. I can't wait til I get to see him. So cute, I bet. Damn I have all these feelings and shit. I just don't know how to express them. But it's quite alright. I'll figure out something. I hope. I've always felt so strongly for her and I just don't know how to express it now. When it matters. I want to write wonderful poems and shit. But nooo.. Damn it.--