I checked my phone to make sure it wasn't going to rain tonight so i didn't have to roll my windows up and cover the roof of my car. it leaks when it rains. so i checked it and it said that there was a zero percent chance of precipitation. it's storming outside. when i go to work in the morning, i'm going to have to wear a hat and a jacket so that my work clothes don't get wet. i'm so unbelievably angry right now. i checked the weather on my phone again and it just now updated and said theres a thunderstorm watch for my area. fuck you. fucking liar. i was suppose to go see Byron's new apartment tonight but now i can't because it's raining. something so natural and so trivial can so easily make me this angry. i don't even feel like going to get my xanex right now. they're in my glove compartment. fuck! i'm becoming more and more crazy by the day. not a day goes by where i don't think of this disorder. it's more accurately comparable to a flesh-eating disease. it feels like an unavoidable plague and i seems like everyone around you knows you have it, like it's so blantantly obvious, and there's just no escaping it. not to mention i feel like my body is doing the things that some other brain is telling it to do. like i'm outside looking in. then i'll finally come to and realise that i have no idea what my body was doing in my absence. it's one of the worst things that i've ever had to put up with. Borderline Personality Disorder. i highly don't recommend it.

The only reason i've logged back on is to say that i typed this entry on my cell phone. XD! I got a samsung instinct and it's fucking sweet. i highly recommend it to anyone. there is so much i could write about, considering it's been over a year since i've last updated, but i'm not in the mood today. anyway, i'll be in touch... hopefully...

the power is out at my house. it's so miserable. i can barely sleep at night. so now i'm at my grandma's house and my pathetic excuse for an uncle is so goddamn loud i almost can't hear the music in my headphones. oh fucking hell. ~ last night byron came over and hung out in the heat with me. it was alright. he rolled me a cigarette with vanilla tobacco. delicious. he said he would talk to shan about giving me his hooka. if not then i'll probably buy it from him. i'm really going to enjoy that. we had a "talk" last night. i was really fucking upset afterwards, but i tried to conceal it. futile. i should know better than to even try to hide something from him. he can always read me like a book. sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself. which is a little frightening. anyway, i have to go.

life's miserable and i don't want to go back to school. i just recently finished summer school and now i have to go back to school. goddamn it. oh well. at least i can drive now. well, i don't have my license yet, but i still drive my grandma around. which is alright. ugh. i guess i'll go now.

i was in biology today and a couple of friends of mine were playing with glitter glue. i fucking hate glitter. so does byron. so on the way to lunch, one of the said friends decided to tell byron that i have glitter. i told him immediately that it was a lie, but he refused to believe it. therefore, i was ignored and eventually yelled at because of the false believe that i had glitter in my possession. i felt that i was baby-sitting a 3 year old when really he is 17 years old. "i don't even want to stand next to you". well thank you, byron. i hate you too.

i'm really getting stessed about 2 end-of-the-year projects that i have to do. i'm almost thinking about not doing the biology one because i got pass-advance on my sol for that class. i knew i would. which means that i don't have to take the exam. she said that our grades should be on the website, so lets see... ha! i get an automatic 93A on my final exam! that's fucking amazing! i rock! but anyway, i also have an f in english, so i have no room to be celebrating just yet. i really need to get that project done. i don't know when it's due, but i'll find out. well, i need to get that done and printed out before they collect computers again. ah! see ya

there are 9 babies. too bad i named my rat Adolf, because i thought she was a male. apparently not. i hope some of them turn out white. that'd be the sex. but anyway, no one ever comments anymore. i guess no one ever gets on anymore, though. this site has grown quite empty over the past year or so, huh? whatever. i still love it here. i also made another diary at: http://www.inboxjournal.com/id/ilovegaarakun just in case anyone cares. seeya

MY RAT HAD BABIES!

we never went to the museum. i didn't think that we would, but i was hoping anyway. wishful thinking i guess. but anyway, for the past few days i've been working out hardcore. i'm so freaking sore! i love it though. it feels good. ummm... i don't really have that much to say today. sols suck. that's about it.

i just had the sickest dream. i had one wish and with it i wished that my little brother and sister (the twins) no longer existed. the genie told me that there was a catch and i didn't even care. i didn't even want to hear it. "just do it", i said. and so he made with the magic, and there in front of me were my two 4 year old siblings, dead. i asked him why they were still here; for they were supposed to cease to exist. he then told me about the 'catch' that i was so unwilling to hear. i had to eat them. so i went over to them and the first thing i did was look at their brains. they were so small! their cadavers were so vulnerable. i could no longer endure the wish that i had asked for. i felt so guilty! i wanted them alive again. alive and just as annoying as ever. i guess that dream, however sickening it was, was a wake-up call (no pun intended). you know, it's weird though. because i've been really curious about what human meat tastes like. i asked my mother once if she would ever eat human flesh. she said hell no, especially not a child's. the dream could have come from that too. ha! i'm debating on whether to tell her about the dream or not. she'd probably be really upset if i told her. although it was pretty interesting. but anyway, i slept in this morning and i need a shower. my mother and i are supposed to go to the holocaust museum today. i've wanted to go since i became absolutetly fascinated with WW2. but whatever. ima go now.

for the first time ever today, i ignored Byron Scyzgial. it was subtle; i mean, i didn't walk away from him. we simply did not approach each other. shan was with him, so i didn't even try. i didn't want to talk to him today anyway, so her being there really made it easier for me to preoccupy myself with someone else. he seemed really upset, i guess because he doesn't have a computer to take his test on, but whatever. i'd hate to fuck his day up today too. and i hate drama, so i wasn't even going to get in it. i think i made the better decision. he'll come around eventually. i'm really tired of being the pushover anyway. i guess he just doesn't need me right now. ha! if he asked later why i didn't say hi then i'm going to say that i didn't even see him. that's what he did to me yesterday. i was standing right there and he looked right at me like twice and a few minutes later when he finally talked to me, he asked me how long i had been standing there. like he really didn't see me! i mean come on. how can you not see me? i'm really hard to miss, if you know what i mean. you know, i'll be there to help him out if he asks me to but if he doesn't, then i'm not going to get into it. period. and besides, every time i have an issue and i tell him about it, he tells me to get over it. like what ever it is, it can't be that serious. why do i care? i lost so much sleep last night thinking about that goddamn bookbag. how pathetic is that? i woke up late this morning, pissed off, and i'm sitting here now, unshowered, and bored as fucking hell. ugh. WHY DO I CARE?!!! you guys don't care, so why am i wasting my time? you guys don't give a shit about what i do everyday and how i deal with it. although it is nice to get it all out. and it'll be very amusing for me to read this years from now. i may even get a good laugh. who knows? who cares?! i'm going to shut up now. i'm beginning to annoy myself.

we're at lunch and it's all i can do to keep up with you. you're always running around acting like an idiot and it's hilarious and i love to be with you for the little time that i can have with you. you are the only person i want to be with during lunch because i could care less about anyone else if i have you to be with. it's sol week and your computer screen is crushed. you take it to the help desk to turn it in and of coarse they can't get it back to you right away. the bell rang and i want to bring you your bookbag and i picked it up, but it was open. i went to close it and the zipper got stuck on the goddamn fabric on the trim. you are furious and you walk to class without me. all i was trying to do is bring you your fucking bookbag and i can't even do that right. i fuck up every gaddamn time i try to do something for you. all i ever want to do is please you and it never seems like it's good enough. i know you have an anger problem and i know having to fix your bookbag is a pain in the ass and could have been avoided, but you could have at least acknowledged my trying to help you out; even though i made things more stressful for you. maybe i'm just being a drama queen, but it really kills me when you belittle me with your level of intimidation. you have no idea how much i've been scolded in the past for not being able to do things right the first time, and right now i'm so afraid to disappoint anyone, especially you. you and your acceptance and acknowledgement of me means the world to me. i hate it when you walk with shan and not me, even though she's your girlfriend. i hate it when you sit with your other friends and leave me to wonder around the commons aimlessly. i hate it that you treat me differently at school than you do at home. and most of all, i can't fucking stand it when you talk about how beautiful shan and this other girl is while i'm sitting right there beside you listening to your every word and all the while thinking that i wish that you could say the same for me. i wonder what you say about me to your other friends when the moment arises. i wonder if you scold me behind my back and tell everyone else what it is that i do that drives you up a wall. i wonder if you really don't like me as much as you put off that you do. maybe it's just a fucking act, and you really just don't have the heart to break it to me that you really can't stand me anymore and would secretly love to kick me to the curb. is that the case? well that's how your making it seem. do you remember that note that you wrote and gave to me even though you didn't write it for me? that note that exclaimed "help me please", in which you proceeded to decribe your emotions about your life at the moment? do you remember in that note where you wrote about me and you said that you were afraid that somewhere down the line that you were going to fuck me over somehow? "i really don't want to, but i think it will happen eventually." remember that? well, you must be psychic, because it sure as hell is coming true. i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't concentrate, i can't even go one whole day without thinking about you at least once, and at first it was how you make my life better, and now it's how i can't believe that i can't get over you. i can't believe that i let you do this to me and i accept it and take it as something that i am doing wrong. you really fucking kill me, Byron. and i don't know what to do with anything anymore. i'm lost. thank you very much.

i just enrolled in summer school driver's ed. i could only have the second session though because the first was closed. i guess it filled up, which sucks. but whatever. as long as i get it done and get my license this summer. then i'll be happy. in other news, in psychology this morning, we watched a video on hospice care and afterword mr.donahue asked us all to, at one point in the day today, contemplate our own death. not suicidal means, but to actually think about whether or not we would be prepared to die if we only had a small amount of time left to live. he asked us to think about what it is that we do everyday and how we spend our time. and why? why do we vegetate in front of the television on our free time instead of doing something constructive? we should absolutely be ashamed of ourselves if that is what we do. to be encumbered by the t.v. instead of doing homework, walking your dog, or even just cleaning up after your goddamned self. now would you be able to look back on your life and say that you have accomplished something important to pass on to the succeeding generation? if not then what the fuck are you wasting your time on? you only have one life, and it's not as long as you may think. you have one life. that's it. i'm sorry to inform the christians, but the jig is up. there is no afterlife. this is no heaven and there is no hell. there is no GOD ALMIGHTY. there is nothing that is stopping you from living your own life like you want to live it. you're not going to hell if you steal or if you are a homosexual. and if you live like a saint and never sin in your life, then i'm so sorry to say, but you are not going to be treated any differently or die with any more grace than a sinning, stench-ridden swine. and this i could not have said any nicer. this is kind of off topic, but there is nothing that angers me more than a bible-thumper. and those fucking jahovah's witnesses. i have a hard time contemplating why anyone in their right minds would ride around on a bicycle all die to spread the word about something that no one even knows exists. i saw a group of then at hardees the other day and they always sat up straight and never leaned on the chairs, for they might wrinkle their shirts. wtf? what kind of life is that? and that woman on the hospice tape today actually thought that if she prayed hard enough, then god would have mercy on her and take her cancer away. she was terminally ill, yet she still thought that god would come to save her. fuck that. isn't that saddening? see what religion does to you? i swear, if there were no religion, then the world would improve phenomenally. there was this brilliant scholar that was named Bertrand Russell. he was an atheist (or at least he was not a christian) and you know he lived to be 98 years old? that's incredible. i'll quote some of the things he said that really caught my attention: “Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown and partly, as I have said, the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes....A good world needs knowledge, kindliness, and courage; it does not need a regretful hankering after the past or a fettering of the free intelligence by the words uttered long ago by ignorant men." also “I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world.” i agree with the utmost sincerity to the second quote. if there were no organized religion, the world would prosper. people would die with dignity, and no longer be afraid of it. and you know, when i first met my best friend byron, we were talking about religion and his explaination for why he is not a christian is because he thinks that people made it up so that they would not be afraid to die. which is what Russell is saying in the first quote. which, i think, is quite accurate. but anyway, as much as i love ranting about religion, i have to go to another class for tutoring pretty soon. so i'll continue this another time.

i just wrote the longest entry ever and i went to go and post it and it wouldn't because the goddamn site logged me out. I LOST IT!!! god-fucking-damnit!

i hate this class. i have study hall and i do nothing but sit here and surf the web until my computer's battery runs down. i don't know what i'm going to do when they recollect them. i'll just sleep, i guess. damn this sucks. i'm hungry too. i just got back from lunch and me and byron escaped and went to wawa. i didn't get anything because i'm broke, but it was nice to just get out of this prison we like to call hermitage high school. there aren't any windows in here and it's always so goddamn cold. i'm wearing 2 long sleeve shirts today and i'm still cold. but whatever. ugh. the sols start this week and i have a psychotherapy appointment on friday and i'm going to have to reschedule it to later in the day. but that's alright. at least i'll be able to miss the rest of my classes. i would only be missing study hell and biology and i know i'm going to pass my biology sol because that class is 's' level. ('s' stands for stupid)i wish all of my classes were that easy. i'd be a straight a student. no lie. i'm in danger of failing like 3 of my classes this year and that's bad. real bad. i won't be able to graduate next year if i don't pass at least 2 out of the 3. which would have to be the core classes. ugh!! i'm so confused. i need to go to guidance to work it out. i have no money for summer school. my grandmother is paying for me to take driver's ed in summer school this summer and i can't possibly ask her for another 150 dollars for another class!! i suck!! ahh!! this is not what i need right now. oh well. i guess i'll head up to guidance now.

i just finished the book called "night" by elie wiesel. if you haven't read it then shame on you because you need to. it's so incredibly intense, yet only 109 pages. i have a hard time believing that someone could survive after all of that. it's amazing. it makes me want to go home and eat everything in my refrigerator. seriously.

Metaphor for a missing moment Pull me in to your perfect circle One womb One shame One resolve Liberate this will To release us all Gotta cut away, clear away Snip away and sever this Umbilical residue, Keeping me from killing you And from pulling you down with me here, I can almost hear you scream Give me one more medicated peaceful moment Give me one more medicated peaceful moment And I don't wanna feel this Overwhelming hostility I don't wanna feel this Overwhelming hostility Gotta cut away, clear away Snip away and sever this Umbilical residue Gotta cut away, clear away Snip away and sever this Umbilical residue, Keeping me from killing you Snip away and sever this Keeping me from killing you

i can scarcely move. nor do i want to. i am exhausted.

i suppose i'm starting to feel a little bit better about everything. well, sometimes i think that i'm getting better and then i just fall right back into the same old groove. everyday is just so monotonous: wake, shower, dress, go to school, come home, and be bored for the rest of the gaddamned day. no one is ever there when i come home and whenever someone does come home, they're only there for an hour or so. it's bad enough that my own mother doesn't have time for me, but now my sister is moving out. you have no idea how lonely i will be after that. it's pathetic. i need a car and a license so that i can get out and do things sometimes. i fucking hate sitting at home with absolutely nothing to do. it drives my crazy sitting there maybe watching tv, or listening to the radio, or even doing my homework. and then that's it. what else is there? fuck, whenever i think about it i get pissed off. at what, i don't know. and school doesn't fucking help either. it stresses me out so bad that i actually have to see a psychiatrist on a regular basis. but whatever. maybe if i stop to actually think and quit complaining all the time then i could get something done. tch... one could only hope. i don't think that i'll ever get better.

in the past few months, i've come to find out that attending school is one of the hardest things for me to do. i wake up in the morning completely unrested and all i want to do is go back to sleep. i get to school and all i want to do is go home. ugh. i hate this class. i'm in study hall and it's 5th period, so i have it everyday. i do nothing but sit and surf the web. it blows because all of the good sites are blocked. i was lucky to have been able to access this one, thanks to a friend of mine. but whatever. i'm done ranting for today.