Flick. Inhale. I take a breath in, Exhale. I take a breath out., Inhale Exhale. Inhale. The fiberglass Microscopic. Cuts, they cut my throat, my mouth, my lungs. Menthol and tar fills my lungs I am choking. I am not. Flick. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. It is done.

The snow leaves the air crisp and calm, Fluttering and placing miniature diamonds on the ground. This night like no other, My heart was covered, In the beautiful crystals, Others admire. My heart is freezing. My body is glowing. I'm getting tired and I need you to hold on to. My body grows cold with the snow flakes falling. I'm walking in the snow, Because its you I'm longing.

I finally have everything up and running on my new blog, so, I'm sad to say after about 7 years with 4 account on here, Im leaving sitdiary. I loved having it but its time for me to move on to bigger brighter things. http://leehangsheng.jimdo.com/

http://leehangsheng.jimdo.com/ check it out

Sorian Hansheng Lee-MenickellyCreate Your Badge

So as of lately i've been so busy with work and school its been months since i've had time to get on here. :

I can't wait for him to return into my arms, His warm body holding me close, His arms, embracing my flesh, His beautiful eyes, gleaming in the light, The smile of his, that takes my breath away, Hearing good night before I drift off to sleep. Waking up to his face, Holding the small of his back, As he holds mine. __________________________ Severed communications for about 9 days, it sucks, no way of contacting him or vice versa... Doing countless things to keep my mind off him, but always wandering back to the thought of his face, or how he is doing or what he is doing. __________________________ Please don't drive me home tonight....... cause I don't wanna go...... Tuesday morning, in the dark, I was finding out who I was.

Home from the yearly Market America meeting and im exhausted. Not being able to talk to Matteo has been torture but hopefully i can talk to him on wednesday or thursday either or. Cause honestly im dyeing here.

If it wasn't for him, i dont know where i would be right now. He done more for me in the past year than my parent's have done for me my whole life. I owe alot to him and i hope he knows how much he means to me and how much i love him.... I love you Matteo

Trapped in this on going vortex, The feelings all floating in every amicable direction. Every plausible thought of taking a breath, Seems to shatter the thoughts that empty out into the vocal box Only to be heard by others as a miniscule atomic pin drop, Silenced by the other voices. He just wanders, every whim that comes across his mind Is smothered out by the voices drenched with wine. He is unheard, forgotten, cold, he lies there, itting in the cold. Alas the glimmer, a shining beacon of hope, The lightnight that illuminated the night skies. He reaches for it, only to find that its a firefly, Sparking it's last flashes of light

and i will be married.... ^_^

i dont know i dont know what to do i am walking i am walking in circles i dont know what i dont know what to say i dont know how i dont know how to say it i dont know how to do it i dont know what to do i dont know what i should do i just have to make it through

have you ever had that final moment in life where you feel like things are finally falling into place but at the same time its not.... thats exactly where i am now. Matteo proposed to me, and of course i said yes. I have amazing friends and an awesome roommate/ brother. For once i feel at peace with the world. its a really nice feeling, to just be lost in translation with the world and its peaceful and calming. Friends and a Lover. This, is nice.

He asked for my hand in marriage, I said yes.

Seriously, for the past 21 years of my life I had parents. For the first 10 years of it I never saw them, they were working hard for me to have a "good life." Please, someone tell me what a good life is? Yeah you know what, this isn't a good life. Granted my parents did do a wonderful job of raising me... by not raising me? I had to figure life out on my own, and learn the rules to the game of life. So starting from my birth/ moving to america my parents always worked from 9 am to 12 am everyday except for saturday. The typical Chinese Food Restaurant Job. So they left me in the care to my grandmother... as we all know I love her because I have to and thats about it. My parents thought they were leaving me in such good care, or such an economical choice.... no. My grandmother was already well in her late 60's early 70's by the time I had come to exist. And because of her age, she was already unable to take care of herself. Therefore I started from a young age to take care of myself. I started to cook, clean, bathe, ect. ect. Well after that whole shit went down I was all ready independent by the age of 10, so long as there was food/water/electricity/toiletries i was fine. So when I was 10 my mother decided to quit her restaurant job and work for a corporate company... AFTER taking a year off to get to know me. By then, I didn't want her to know me because I all ready knew who I was. I didn't need her help with life I was making through fine. Of course like all parents do, she forced her way into my life. Dissecting every aspect of it she could... or so she assumed. Eventually, I grew older and kept on letting her assume she had control over me, that power that all parents seem to crave and refuse to give up, as if someone had taken it, stolen it from them at their childhood. After high school started I kept up with the charade with an ambiance of light to keep both of my parents at a close distance. It fared well until senior year. I finally had had enough of it. I was sick and tired of being treated like I was 5 years old unable to do anything for myself; simple because; when I was five years old, I all ready knew the things I had to do. I started paying rent at 14 when i got a damn job at my father's restaurant. I know how to balance a check book, and I know how to work with other people to get along/ ahead in life. But for some odd reason I still get the same shit, day after day, about how worthless I am or how stupid I am, or how naive and oblivious I am to everything around me. The constant nagging and bitching about how easy my life was/is. Why I can never be successful in life because I chose what to do instead of following the main crowd. And for what? To be working dead-end hell jobs that requires no social life and no energy for my family. HELL NO. I WILL make a living off of doing what I love. I'm still paying rent only to be treated like an infant. My grandmother keeps asking me the same question over and over again because she is too old to either hear it for first time, or just too senile to remember it. My mother who has some serious letting go issues used to let me do whatever, NOW NOW that i am in college and have a life of my own, she expects me to drop EVERYTHING I am doing, to just do her bidding for her. She might have been able to hit the shit out of me when I am younger now, and SHIT she can still hit me now. The problem is, I'm not 5, 10, or 15 and defenseless anymore. If I didn't have the convenience of a studio and the occasional free food I would have been gone ages ago because I get the lovely task of paying $750 dollars a month. Which for 2 rooms, a full bath, and half a garage to work in is pretty good. But I'm sick of my parents walking in and out of my room that I pay for just to have them tell me what's wrong with me/my life/ my lifestyle/ my choices. I have made the choices I have made on my own with out them being in it. Things aren't different now just because they see me more often. And granted yes, my father has gotten better about being an asshole to me, but my mother has decided to take the desperate opposite approach. She's just holding me tighter and tighter and you know, I hate to use an Asian proverb but "If you hold a bird to loosely it will fly away, if you hold it to tight, it will die" and at this point I'M DIEING. They refuse to give me respect even though I am the only/eldest grandchild (which in an Asian culture, dictates that I have authority in the household). They constantly bash my self esteem for what ever reasons. They criticize my thought processing which they say "It didn't come from either of us" but they never had anything to do with it in the first place. At this point in my life, If I don't get out I will be jailed for murder. I'm being driven crazy and run ragged. I have a life of my own and I need to live it. I cannot deliver everything to them on a silver platter at their whim because we don't even have silver platters to begin with. We never had them. And my parents being the Asians they are do several things.... (I am talking about my parents specifically here though) 1. Always talk down about their child in public no matter how good they are. 2. Always criticize everything their child does 3. Always guilt trips their child into doing anything/ everything at their own whim. 4. Always say "When I was in (fill in country of origin here) life was hard... blah blah blah" you get it 5. Always say "Every time (or) How many times have I told you to do _______ you never do it" 6. Always blame their child's failures on the child 7. Always discuss how bad their children are and do nothing about it. 8. Always say that their english is bad, and thats why they cannot do better in America. -yes that is just to name a few, and yes they do ALWAYS do that- So, lately my mother has been having random bursts of anger where she decides to take it out on me. Last time she slammed open my door and started throwing shit around screaming at the top of her lungs about random shit that pissed her off... note: I HAD JUST RE-CLEANED MY ROOM. NOW: My mother is putting the blame of a missing ceramic cup on me because apparently ".... everything you take to your room you never take out...." which is not really true because I try to take out dirty dishes, ect. on a weekly basis. And I told her that, all she said that I had nothing better to do and that I was lazy.... really? I have nothing better to do? I work 2 part time jobs and I go to college full time. I have nothing better to do? And then she asked the million dollar question... "Why do you smoke?" and decided to bitch me out for that too.... really? Why do I smoke? I looked her dead in the eyes and I said because of stress, and if i wanted to quit I would but I don't want to because if I quit, I WILL, kill someone. And then she said "You won't even quit for your mother, how worthless is a child that cannot do anything for his family?" to which I replied "You're one of the reasons I smoke, and I am not worthless, if I was, I would be on the streets now eating garbage outside of your husband's dumpster, I wouldn't be able to survive when I leave or you decide to go on another random brigade and fuck up my shit. I would probably be dead by now." And I casually walked away and started typing this. So the question I am asking is. Can someone give me a reason why I shouldn't smoke, BESIDES the health factors? Or just some nice tips in general before I go an explode?

I'll hold this key close to my heart......

So for the past, like what? 3 months, probably more, I have really been contemplating what I am doing in Art School.... I always felt like I was a cloud floating above the earth seeing what is going on and what other people are doing, just raining to wash away anything in their life that may be stopping them, and at the same time, that freedom of me floating around, has allowed me also restricted me from doing what I need. So.... I've decided to just fall away and blow this shit out of the water. I don't care how many nights I will have to be awake, or how little I eat, I'm going to finish this shit. This year obviously has been really hard on me and my body, but thats not going to stop me this time, I didn't stress the hell out senior year at Hermitage, spend thousands of dollars and endless nights working on projects to just give up. Its not like me, for the longest time I seriously thought I was loosing myself. Almost like a personal recession of just waking up and doing what I had to get done with no serious concerns to who I am or how I have been feeling.... Yeah, that didn't help much. Honestly, all I want to do right now is travel and find a bit more of myself, but at the same time, my art is developing into a higher aspect of who I am. Its always kinda sucked, no lie, but I could never get what i had in my mind on paper. Now... its becoming easier. As much work as its been, i finally see that i have come a long way from where i was. I'm obviously one to dish out a lot of medicine but never take my own, if you can follow that. Its true, I tell people things that can help them, but when i have the same situation i always just set it aside because i feel like there are worse things that could come across us. Its been a while since i could experience your brightness All of a sudden, i feel more liberated like a huge massive gust of cold harsh winter air just freezing a lake solid in minutes ... if only that was possible... but thats how i feel. Trying to search for who i am has lead me to several things: 1. You can not search for who you are. You have to let who you are come to you. 2. You cannot change the way you think, only find other ways of thinking. (Very confusing i know but it makes sense to me, and honestly i dont really care if it makes sense to anyone else but me) 3. If/ When at all possible just say fuck it and move on. (Too many things have held me back in my lovely little life that just aren't really worth it, I understand why they are holding me back, but at the same time, its kinda like... "WHY?" ) 4. I know that one day, everything will fall into place, whether its begun or not, i really dont know anymore. 5. The severity of how other people view you is really pointless and so ambiguous (by definition: has multiple interpretations) to a certain degree of things. 6. Everything around you will become supersized, like it or not. Not literally but then again anything is possible. 7. Abstract thoughts in your head can collaborate to something much more understandable than what you currently know. Take it in, and get it out. 8. Let the future stay where it is, and let the past stay where it is, really, the past may have formed, shaped, changed who you are, whether good or bad, but it has no power over you. You are the one that gave it power, you are the only one that can take it away. 9. If you need a change, make a change, just do it, if you stall or hold back, then you really dont want to, weather its fear or something else holding you back... you may or may not want to listen to it... seriously up to you 10. TAKE THAT MOTHER FUCKING CHANCE DAMN IT So here it ends, and there it begins again. I will try the whole self definition label maker shit again: My name is Mark, but I am commonly known as Sorian or Salem. My chinese name is pronounced Lee Han Sheng, to whom only my family and 1 other person currently calls me. Yes, music is a huge part and aspect of my life, not only listening to it but writing it as well. Yes, i am an artist and I actually understand the notions of what my art is now. Yes, I make many references to movies, music, ect. ect. I am gay, and usually pretty straight acting. I don't like to fight, but I can seriously knock the shit out of you if you fuck something up. I don't believe in holding anything back anymore because eventually things are going to have to be done/said/followed through. I am an artist by nature, i.e.: poetry on occasions, writing, paintings, sculpting, singing, ect. ect. the list fucking goes on. You people should all know this by now. And this is where i am going to stop because, it isn't necessary for me to do this anymore. Several pieces of information about me that some people may or may not know: 1. I am a nerd. 2. I can talk my way out of most situations 3. I am generally non-confrontational 4. I dont like to be disrespected or have my territory treaded on 5. I am really crazy and spazmatic at times 6. I am a fairly open book except a few chapters got glued together due to a bad memory 7. I have a liver issue, no big, i just dont drink 8. I loose track of time when I am working on art work i like, or for personal art 9. I believe in love, love at first sight, and the notion of a monogamous relationship, long distance relationships, and making things work out... it just depends on how hard you work/ how strong you are/ and how much you are willing to either give up or just give. 10. I have a terrible internal body clock that runs in almost direction 11. I drive fairly well... for an asian, I haven't gotten a ticket yet. 12. I dont dance in front of other people usually unless its DDR or some version of that 13. I SPEAK5 languages: Taiwanese/ Hokkien, Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, English (and Teo if you read this, YES it is considered Mandarin, not a variation) 14. I tend to relate to alot of things, therefore there are few things i dont like. 15. I generally get along with most people, but if i dont like you, i dont like you, thats it, i dont have to like everyone, there is no rule that said i had to, so fuck off about it... 16. I am obviously a bitch... its who i am, and i like it this way. 17. I like to stay in my room/ studio most of the time, i really dont like going out that often (any more at least) its just not for me. 18. Every book I own I have read at least once. 19. I am a pretty sentimental person... believe it or not. 20. I can be a real genius at pissing people off, or making people cry. 21. I dont listen to music when i work to ignore other things in my life, i use it to focus on what i am doing/ concentrating on at the moment. I know its there and it will do away on its own accord. 22. I seriously feel like i am a 30ish year old person trapped inside this body of mine 23. I really hate people who judge people without analyzing them first, and i mean really analyzing them. Im going to work on my art work some more....

is murdering me...

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