so yea.. ive decided im gonna write in here yet again..doubt itll last though. it never does. i get bored very easily with these on line journals- with the exception of myspace. which by the way, if you have one, add me : myspace.com/beantownbeauty. if not, just go there and check out my wiiicked hot pix. <3

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM BOSTON WHEN... You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's). You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heatwave. All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting." Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood. You don't think you have an attitude. You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it. Everything in town is "a five minute walk." When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series. You have no idea what the word compromise means. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else. You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic and stubborn. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town. Your favorite adjective is "wicked." You think 63 degree ocean water is warm. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood. WHEN WE SAY ________ WE MEAN... Bizah - odd Flahwiz - roses, etc. Hahpahst - minutes after the hour Hahwahya? - how are you? Khakis - what we staht the cah with Pissah - superb Retahded - silly Shewah - of course Wikkid - extremely Yiz - you, plural Popcahn - popular snack HOW WE'LL KNOW YOU WEREN'T BON HEAH: You wear a Harvard sweatshirt. You ask directions to "Cheers." You order a grinder and a soda. You follow soccer. You eat at Durgin Park. You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester." You call it "COPELY" square. DEFINITIONS: Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is club soda. Pop is dad. When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER. The smallest beer is a pint. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod. It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah. It's not a trash can, it's a barrel. It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage. It's not a purse, it's a pockabook. Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans. They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France. THINGS NOT TO DO: Don't call it Beantown. Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville). Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you. Don't sleep in the Common. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day. THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new). Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93. It's the Sox, The Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons. The underground train is not the subway. It's the T and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk). GETTING AROUND: Pay no attention to the street names. There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets you're in Wellesley. All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave., Dot Ave. Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist. THE NORTH-EAST-SOUTH-WEST THING: Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more-a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Backbay was filled in years ago. BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BOSTON (subject to change at any time): When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Double park in the North End of Boston, unless triple parking is available. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork. Always look both ways when running a red light. Honk your horn the instant the light changes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Making eye contact revokes your right of way. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps in the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Peds have no rights.

you were my first tru love and even though i thought i was gunna die when we broke up i got over it. i still think about you sometimes. we'll probably never talk again because we're so different now.

And as her pain deepens, she continues to draw this twisted picture on her wrist from the past she will never miss...

I'm writing to you Not to tell you, that I still hate you Just to ask you how you feel And how we fell apart ;how this fell apart Are you happy out there in this great wide world? Do you miss your little girl? When you lay your head down how do you sleep at night? Do you even wonder if I'm all right? It's been a long hard road without you by my side Why weren't you there all the nights that i cried? It's not OK but I'm alright I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes But those were just a long lost memory of mine I spent so long learning how to survive Now I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive The days I spent so cold, so hungry, were full of hate I was so angry, the scars run deep inside There's things I'll take to my grave, but I'm OK, I'm OK It's been a long hard road without you by my side Why weren't you there all the nights that I cried? It's not OK but I'm alright I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes But those were just a long lost memory of mine I spent so long learning how to survive Now I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive And sometimes I forgive, yeah and this time I'll admit That I miss you, said I miss you

so all the "i love yous" were jsut a lie? boy you had me on such an amazing high. i miss all of our crazy times. when i was yours and you were mine. every summer night i spent with you while holding hands, i bragged about you being my boo. i never imagined that youd forget me i was the first girl that would ever be. we use to talk all hours of the night just so we could set things right gettin crunk on smirnoff and mikes and learning each others likes and dislikes from yeast infections to sex, cutting to fears, i told you everything i shoulve known we would only remain a summer fling having dry sex was fun but you left right when it was done now i have no one to kiss only a boy who is greatly missed there are no longer arms around me to keep me safe and warm my heart has now been officially torn.

"but everytime i see you i wish i could just give u a hug and talk to you and make everything better... but i know you would just walk away and i wouldnt be able to handle that... cuz that just would hurt too much..."

The summer dies and its just moments we have together.

And you, maybe you'll remember me What I gave is yours to keep

so...tomorrows the "big day"? so what? its not like it's gonna be any different from any other day.You're still just gonna look me straight in the eyes and walk past me...and pretend nothing ever happened between us..

i hope you know: Actions speak louder than words. And your actions, have *pushed me away so unbelievably... i hope thats what you really wanted. Because [that's what you're going to get.] I'm starting to forget about you... it just gets so much easier* with each passing day. But ill always love you. <33

ive done all i can possibly do to try and make you understand how much i really miss you..i even apologized to you which i dont usually do just because i feel like when i say sorry im admitting that i did something wrong, and i dont like doing that. i gave you the chance to call me but you havent called..maybe youll call later tonight or maybe youre just not ready to talk to me yet and youre gonna call later in the week and thats fine, ill give you a week to call me and then im done. you can still come back, youre always welcome back, its just gonna take more time for me..i wont let you back the moment you wanna come back, we'll have to work on that. "tonight ill cry my last tears." ive been crying over you for a month now, and theres no point in it. why should i waste my energy in being angry with you? its not worth it. its not gonna bring you back. thank you for everything, whether you know it or not, you have taught me so much. and ive learned that i take too much for granted. some people..including you have it so much wrose then me, and you just live a happy life and youre so greatful for everything you do have. you made me realize that i need to give people a chance because many people could be totally differnt out of school then they are in school. and many people act the way they do because of reasons other people may not know and you should get to know someone first before you criticize them. and ive learned that some peoples lives are so crazy, and even though they may try and cover up all the hurt they feel inside by makin jokes, or being a complete asshole, deep down they really have a sensative side. a side that they only let a few people know about... ive learned all this from you mike because that is who you are. and i love you for that, but at the same time, i hate you. i hate you because i know how you feel, and i know you cant express that when youre with your friends so you become this asinine "fat mike" kid whom i hate more then anyone. i hate "fat mike" because he was the one who hurt me. he was the one who put me through so much heartache and pain. not mike. not michael paul fortier. not the kid who would talk to me all hours of the night. not the kid who spent his entire summer with me. not the kid who helped me down the stairs when i was cocked off my ass. not the kid who would give me back massages. not the kid that would always cuddle with me and give the tightest hugs. not the kid who would do anything for me. not the kid who loved me. the mike i love, never hurt me..but this "fat mike" you become in school, has shattered my heart in a million and one pieces..and i dont know if ill ever be able to forget that..but i do know ill be able to forgive... if only youd call me.or say a simple little "hey" or a wave..even just a smile in the hallways. just something. i know its hard..you have to be this big macho guy in school for all your friends, but just the simplist thing. just something to let me know you still care. just something so i know that youll never forget about me. something to tell me that youll always remember our summer together. people always say, "you never forget your first love." i was your first and i hope youll always remember me for that. the girl you learned everything from. the first girl you ever really cared about. there will always be a place in my heart for you michael. and i will never forget that summer i fell so in love with you. i miss you.

havent talked to you in a month..its been a month since i yelled at you. i really miss you. i miss you so much sometimes it truns to anger. today i wrote "mike f is a penis fucker" on the toilet dispreser in the girls bathroom. it was funny at the time..but now i feel bad because i know someones gonna see it and someones gonna say something to you and i know youre gonna be hurt even if you dont show it because thats the type of person you are and im so sorry. i just keep fuckin everything up. im sorry.

hmm..im sitting at danielles house right now. shes watching tv and im just..lookin at random diaries on line. sooooo bored. we have NO friends haha. im craving a mango smoothie...wicked bad. i think im done complaining about mike... im getting use to this new asshole that hes become. dont quote me on that though because im sure on wednesday when i go back to school, something will happen and ill wanna complain about him again. i think im gonna go watch some tv with danielle right now...or maybe look at some xangas. <33

yeah so im wicked pumped at the fact that clay is def. going on another tour!!! and hes def. going to lowell and possibly providence so ill probably go to providence..if he goes there. if not ill def be going to lowell. ahhh so excited. this will be my 4th clay concert!! they postponed the release of his book..so now it comes out on the 16th (the same day as his christmas cd comes out) instead of the 2nd. im kinda pissed about that..but whatever.

- - 1]* Using musican names, spell out your name: H- Hoobastank E- Evanescence A- Ashlee Simpson T- Tim mcGraw H- Hillary Duff… E- Eamon R- Ruben [2]* Have you ever had a song written about you?: no [3]* What songs makes you cry?: to where you are- Josh Groban, when I saw you- Mariah carey, underneath the stars- Mariah carey, concrete angel- Martina Mcbride [4]* What songs makes you happy?: I like that- Houston, slow motion- juvenile [5]* What do you like to listen to before bed? Mariah Carey, Delilah (96.1), Magic 106.7 a p p e a r a n c e [6]* HEIGHT: 5'3ish? [7]* HAIR COLOR: dark brown [8]* SKIN COLOR: fair/medium [9]* EYE COLOR: hazel [10]* PIERCINGS: 3 in right ear, 4 in left [11]* TATTOOS: none r i g h t * n o w [12]* WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: orange sweat pants from RAVE [13]* WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: not suppose to love you anymore- clay aiken [14]* WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: chocolate chip cookies [15]* WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: warm d o * y o u [16]* GET MOTION SICKNESS?: no [17]* HAVE A BAD HABIT? probably [18]* GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: eh sometimes [19]* LIKE TO DRIVE?: wouldn’t know yet… f a v o r i t e s [20]* TV SHOW: Real World [21]* CONDITIONER: at the moment…DOVE [22]* BOOK: hmm…don’t know [24]* MAGAZINE: Seventeen [24]* NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: water [25]* ALCOHOLIC DRINK: mikes, Smirnoff triple black, Puerto Rican rum and coke, kahlua and milk, long island ice tea [26]* THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: chill at my 2nd house [27]* BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: CLAY AIKEN…DUH h a v e * y o u [28]* BROKEN THE LAW: yes..more than once [29]* RAN AWAY FROM HOME: no. threatened to but thats as far as i got [30]* SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yes [31]* MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: no, but I was with Danielle and Amy when they did it [32]* EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no [33]* USED YOUR PARENTS CREDIT CARD: nope [34]* SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yup [35]* FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: no [36]* BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: ..don’t think so [37]* LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yeah l o v e [38]* BOYFRIEND: no [39]* GIRLFRIEND: no [40]* CHILDREN: rosey and jack [41]*CURRENT CRUSH: hm..I don’t know..there might be someone... [42]* BEEN IN LOVE?: yes [43]* HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: uh huh [44]* BEEN HURT?: yep [45]* YOUR GREATEST REGRET: telling you that lie [46]* GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: don’t think so r a n d o m [47]* DO YOU HAVE A JOB?: nope, probably start filling out some applications in a week or two [48]* YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Clay Aiken, a Country mix that jill made me, Mariah Carey [49]* IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: hotttt pink [50]* WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: don’t even know any more [51]* WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: dan/mike [52]* WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Clay Aiken Christmas cd.. [53]* WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: Danielle, Kim, Julianne [54]* WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO: shop, do some illegal things with the crew w h e n / w h a t * w a s * t h e * l a s t [55]* TIME YOU CRIED?: today 3rd period [56]* YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: haha couldn’t tell ya [57]* YOU GOT E-MAIL: today [58]* THING YOU PURCHASED: make up, tampons, pamprin [59]* TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: MADE [60]* MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: The Notebook y o u r * t h o u g h t s * o n [61]* ABORTION: only if theres a good reason [62]* TEENAGE SMOKING: whatever, I don’t see anything wrong with it [63]* SPICE GIRLS: um.. [64]* DREAMS: never give up [65]* THIS SURVEY: something to do [66]* TEEN DRINKING: again whatever, I don’t see anything wrong with it

i wish things with you werent so damn complicated. i just wish i knew how you felt...do you miss me? or am i just a distant memory? whenever you see me and you stare, are you thinkin of all the memories we have? or are you thinkin wow i cant believe i was with her? what would you do if i called? would you have your dad say you werent home like you use to do? would you talk but give me an attitude? would you be happy to hear from me? i wish you expressed your feelings more. why do you have to keep everything inside? you're so shy sometimes.. it's actually kinda cute. it hurts so much to know that we spent the entire summer together and now, we dont even acknowledge each others presence. whenever something goes wrong, i just wanna pick up the phone and call you because thats what im use to...im so use to you DRYING my tears...but now youre MAKING me cry. Everytime i see you in school, i wanna run up to you and throw my arms around you and tell you how much i miss you, but i know you wouldnt hug me back, and youd probably just nod your head and say "i gotta get to class" why do your friends make things so hard for you? they can all be with girls but for some reason they like to pick on you when youre with girls. and that gets you embarrased and self concious...i hate it. i hate this "fat mike" everyone knows about...i hate this person you become when youre in school. i miss mike..the caring, shy, sensatvie, funny, adorable kid...the person you were this summer, the person you are when youre not "fatty". i miss my boyfriend mike..and most of all, i miss my BEST FRIEND mike. i shouldnt be this scared to talk to someone i spent 2 months with, i shouldnt be this scared to talk to someone who knows almost EVERYTHING about me. but i am. im scared because youve already hurt me once and i dont know what else youre capable of. and i always question why you havent called me. that day when i called and yelled at you and then hung up, i didnt even let you get 2 words in, why didnt you call me back and tell me your opinion? didnt you wanna get the story straight? i thought for sure you wouldve called back that day and now its almost been 3 weeks. did you not call because you truely didnt care? did you not call because you were hurt at the fact that steph told me? did you not call because i hurt you with everything i said..and most of it...now that ive been thinkin about it, i regret. i regret yelling at you. if i was just more calm, we proabbly wouldve been able to have an actual conversation. if i had just let you talk instead of yellin at you and telling you to shut up, i might know your side of the story...we might have even been able to work things out. and if i hadnt said that last thing which was a LIE, i bet we would still be talkin. sometimes i just wanna run up to you in school and start punching you and screaming at you for hurting me. you knew i had trust issues...you knew...and i opended up so much to you, i told you everything..things that even some of my friends dont know..why? because i thought wed always be friends..i thought wed always be BEST friends. but, i know i cant take it all out on you, becuase i didnt always do the right things either. im sure ive done things that have hurt you and im sure ive done things that have pushed you away more and more each time. see this is what i mean, how come you never once told me that you were hurt by things that i said? i know i hurt you..i said a lot of hurtful things. why didnt you just tell me? and then i couldve said.."theyre all lies. i miss you. i love you." and maybe we wouldve gotten back together. and i cant help but wonder about the future. what are things gonna be like in a few months? will we still be on these terms? will we be talking by then? what about next year? what if next year we have a class together and the teacher has assigned seats next to each other, will we talk then? or will we just ignore each other? in the future, when people ask us if we know each other, will we say yeah, we use to be best friend and we went out? will we say yeah i know him/her? or will we just say something small like i know of him/her or ive seen him/her around and then kinda change the subject? i wish i could do our whole relationship over..i would do things so differently. everytime you wanted me to come over, i would, everytime you wanted to do something together, id jump at the oppertunity, and i wouldnt get mad at the little things like you wanting to go chill with your boys and shit.i wouldnt get so angry when you didnt call..i would just do things sooo incredibly different. im starting to think about everything and im missing you alot more now. all the holidays are starting to come up, everything you and me planned on doing together. last week you were suppose to sleep over and get ready for field day with me..and in school we were gonna spend the whole day together. we would be going to all the football games together and watching danielle cheer. my chorus concert is comming up, you, jon, and danielle would most likely be there and then wed go to friendlys or something after, halloweens comming up in a few weeks, we probably wouldve gone out trick-or-treating for a little with danielle and julianne and then come back to my house or yours and just chill for the night. my birthday...less than a month away, and all i want is to be with you. even if its just as friends. christmas is just around the corner too...remember how you were gonna come with my family on christmas eve? and i know its still a while before semi, but ive been lookin at dresses and its still in my mind that im going with you...like we planned this summer, but i know that youre not gonna ask me...you probably wont even go. mike, im so scared for you. i cant even imagine what it would be like to know that my dad could die at any moment because of cancer, and to have his house under your name on the will..i know it scares you, and i know how hard it is for you because you use to talk to me about that kinda stuff, you use to talk to me about everything. you cant do that with your friends, we both know what type of people they are. if you ever just need someone to talk to, someone to listen to you, im here. you can always call me..you can call me when you feel like crying, when you need to get your anger out..you can call me and yell at me. even if all you want is someone to laugh at your jokes, just call me. ill dry your tears,ill take away your hurt and anger, and ill laugh at all your jokes. i wanna be there for you. i miss you. i love you. and hey , i might even call you tonight...or this weekend or something..

i miss you so much. i was gonna go up to you today..but then i didnt know what to say. we havent talked in so long. and plus, you were with your friends. i wanna call you so bad. tell you how much i miss you. but if i call you, then it would be like im saying sorry for yelling at you...and im not sorry. well..what i mean is im sorry if i hurt you..but i dont regret it, because you hurt me too. i wanna tell you how much i miss you..but i know youll think im psycho. i just wish youd call me. i miss having you around.

so..its been two weeks since we've talked..2 weeks since weve acknowledged each other actually. i thought you wouldve called by now. was i that rude on the phone? i know you dont show when things are bothering you.and i know youd never admit that i hurt your pride. are you just hurt by the things i said 2 weeks ago? or do you really not even care? please dont tell me you dont think about me anymore. you have to. when you see me in school, dont you think of everything we once had?i know i do..and i know you do too...why else would you stare at me? i know youre waiting for me to say something to you..you thought i wouldve come back by now...because usually...i do..but right now, YOU need to make the first move. YOU need to break the ice because YOU were the one who said you wanted nothing to do with me. but why havent you called? please just call me. i miss you. i def. got my clay pics developed today. theyre so good, i love them. i CANNOT wait till the next concert. i love clay. hes so amazing. i always believed that everything you do, is all gonna come back to you..and clay proves that. everyone made fun of him in school, but he never let it bother him and now he can just look back and be like i made it and all of you didnt so now whos the loser?! and he donates so much of his time and money to help children in need....amazing. id do anything to meet him. does anyone know how to put pictures in here?

this is exactly what i DIDNT want to happen. everyone knows about us now..i dont care that everyone knows, i just hate that people are starting to ask questions. how is everyone all of a sudden finding out? and why is everyone randomly bringing it up now? weve been done with for a while. why is it such a big thing now? people are saying that thyere hearing stuff from you..why are you brining me up? you were the one who broke up with me..so why are you the one saying that we went out..and why are you the one telling everyone stuff..i thought you "didnt want anything to do with me"?