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its finally over. Finally. My divorce is final. A huge weight off my shoulders. It turned really ugly and I don’t even know why. Well I do... he just kept making one bad decision after the other. It just makes me sad that he had to go out of his way to make me the enemy in all this. If he would have just stuck to what we agreed to, it would have saved BOTH of us so much time and him SO much more money. We initially agreed to split the condo 50/50, 50/50 pension and 401k, and support until he sold the condo at literally UNDER 3 times what he now has to pay. I begged him to just give me half the pension before all of this. because i was running out of money and needed it and he said ok ok but then months went by. I asked about selling the condo but he said we would make so much more if we waited so i said ok i trust you and we waited. but i needed something and he kept getting weird about the 401 k because he said he didn’t want to be taxed. too bad. You get taxed. Its not my fault. But at the time I sympathized and agreed he should figure out the best way but please hurry. And I offered to try to figure it out myself on ways around it but he kept saying he was going to handle it. Ok. So i waited. but nothing. I begged him to just do this without lawyers and the court but he wouldn’t. And during the whole process he told the court that i was opening it back up just to screw with his relationship and because I was upset he had a baby. No. I didn’t do anything to screw with his relationship. In fact they should be thanking me for keeping them together. Because in June 2016 she broke up with him and told me he wanted to be with me again and I flew out there and he tried having sex with me and I am the one who stopped it and said no. because I was thinking of THEIR relationship. I put her over me. And of course i didn’t want to be a rebound and felt I would have been. I could have just did it. Its not like I didn’t have residual feelings for him at the time, we were still good friends back then… also curiosity. But I was ovulating. So I might have gotten pregnant. What then? I saved their relationship despite the fact that I wanted a baby and there have been many times that I’ve felt I didn’t even care how I got a baby, I just wanted one that badly. Luckily I never did anything stupid while having those thoughts but having sex with him would have been. In hindsight. At the time having a baby with him didn’t seem so bad. But yes, it did upset me when I found out he had a baby with her. I didn’t understand why at first but he of all people should understand. Because it was very soon after that happened and because in our marriage we weren’t able to. I can’t put into words what a failure I felt like in our marriage because o that. I spent a lot of my time researching solutions so that we could. More than he knows. And he knows I spent a lot of time on that but not as much as I actually did. And it was depressing. I was obsessed. Trying to find a way to fix that problem so we could be happy. Yes maybe I sabotaged our relationship eventually, I did. Not on purpose.. I was very confused and continued to be confused about pretty much everything for a long time. But if he would have put himself in my place for a minute it was a really hard place to be. He doesn’t know how happy I am for him that he has a baby now. Because I wanted to give him that for a long time, not just for us but for him. I wanted him to be a dad and now he is and its okay that it has nothing to do with me. Yes I’m sad for me. I want a baby. And yes, I have autism and sometimes hearing unexpected information triggers a million things and it all comes bursting out and I have no idea what I will say or do. And I sent him a bunch of angry messages when I found out. I think because of how I found out. I think after everything we had been through, I just expected him to be the one to tell me. We hadn’t entered into the ugliness of the divorce yet. We were still on okay terms around that time. His girlfriend was a jerk but I get it. It’s hard not to feel threatened and I imagine having a baby just heightens that in a woman. But idk, she just seems entitled and just generally not very nice at all. Either way I’m glad he’s happy. He is a good husband and I know he is be a good father. I was a good wife. We weren’t perfect. But we both tried our best for who we are and what we were dealing with. I don’t think he agrees. He used to though. Even past our separation he said I was a good wife and person and deserve nothing less than 50/50. I don’t understand what happened to change that. Loyalty to his girlfriend I guess but it sucks because it makes it seem like I did something really horrible. They said the reason he filed for divorce is because I cheated on him but that isn’t true. I have had to forgive him for a lot despite the fact that he seems to think everything is my fault. Including all the slanderous things he said about me in his declarations to the court. He even said our marriage had “domestic violence”. He didn’t elaborate, just it had it. He didn’t say from who or how. Because it would be a lie. We never touched each other like that and if there ever was it was the one time he grabbed my wrist when I turned away from him in bed during an argument and I started crying because, it wasn’t even bad but it was unexpected. And he immediately felt horrible and we stopped arguing and he held me and everything was ok. I thought maybe he was talking about during meltdowns but he said it was only a couple times that I would “hit” during a meltdown. Mostly I would hit myself but there were a couple times I would push/hit during and he said it wasn’t hard at all and he would just grab my hands and lower them to my sides and I would stop. It only happened a couple times. It wasn’t intentional or out of anger and those meltdowns weren’t even caused by him. It just hurts that he would say that and make me sound like a violent person. He had a laundry list of horrible things to say about me that were either blatant lies or distortions of the truth that they might as well have been lies. It just sucks. His mistakes don’t make him a bad husband and mine didn’t make me a bad wife. Now more than ever I know marriage is so much more and what we had was really special at one point. And I know he’s angry and hates me. But I don’t hate him. Even though all last year I cursed his name for saying such horrible things about me and I said I hated him a million times. Now that this is all over, I realize something. Maybe there is a silver lining. Maybe we are so angry and hurt because what we had was so strong and good. If it wasn’t none of this would matter. And maybe it is all about money for him. fine. Then I’m wrong and I don’t get life. But for me, I don’t really care if someone says something bad about me unless I care about the person. The more it hurts the more I care. And even if I don’t feel the same for him now, all the feelings I had since we met don’t just evaporate. The fact that I am or was so hurt by the things he said and everything that took place proves that what we had was real. And it sucks that something beautiful, even if you just count our friendship alone, just ended up being about money. It wasn’t personal. It wasn’t even all me. I just did what I was told. I did what I felt was best for me. I agreed to what I felt was fair. I never wanted lawyers in the first place. I never wanted to take him for all he had and didn’t. I know he will be well off and glad for that. He has a great job, a good work ethic, a degree, a supportive family, a capable girlfriend, etc. He is going to be so much better than just okay. I just didn’t want to end up in another women’s shelter like in 2017. That’s all. Money changes a person. And there’s nothing uglier than greed. I don’t hate him for wanting to give his new family the best. But he had a responsibility to his old family. Me. I was angry to have to fight to get him to follow through on a promise he made in our old apartment. Laying on the floor in the computer room crying because we talked about divorce and I was scared because I didn’t see another option.. and I said I would be alone and I don’t know what will happen to me. And he was holding me and said no matter what that he would take care of me. I told him things will change and he won’t care eventually. But he said he will take care of me until I die. I didn’t want him to have to and I always believed everything he said because I trusted him but I knew he was lying to himself when he said that. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. And I was basically right. I’m pretty awesome much of the time but I do have autism and my limitations are so much more than they ever have been. He doesn’t get it. Trying to get the court to implement a work order while I’m in the middle of filing for disability.. they denied it. But still. Uhg. My disability case. I don’t even want to think about it. I haven’t done so much that I need to do. Where to start.. who to help… its too much. Isn’t that WHY I am applying.. because doing all this stuff is basically like having a job and I haven’t been able to do that so what makes them think I could do everything I need to to accomplish this? Who do I have to help me. I ask people. The thing about people.. they all say they want to help. Everyone LOVES saying how much they want to help.. but when it comes to doing anything everyone is too something. Too busy or too unable or too much of a liar. Anyways I just wanted to just be over and done with it before we even got divorced in Nov 2016. I had to open it uo again because he wouldn’t follow through on his agreement. and now after going through this process, i know he never intended to. a very very very reasonable FAIR deal we originally had. and instead he wasted thousands of dollars on legal fees and lawyers to avoid just paying ME what we agreed to. for what? He disparaged my character for no reason. Saying I had a pattern of moving in with "various" boyfriends. I have had 2 boyfriends in 4 years. 2. and they both turned long term because i don’t sleep around or just date to date and i don’t move forward unless i think its going somewhere. both of those boyfriends didn’t and don’t support me. i used my food card to buy my own groceries. there was 2 or 3 months when max had paid most or all of our rent at $600/mo. That was the extent of his support. I get so angry when I think about it because Tim was my friend. My best friend. And I miss him. I dont want to be best friends again but it makes me sad that he really thinks all of those things about me. He really hates me. And thinks I wanted all this. I dont / didnt want to ruin his relationship. I just needed to think of this from an outside perspective and not with emotions. I could have taken him at his word and gotten nowhere. I never thought alimony would be as much as it is but it makes sense. we live in california and he has a great job. a job i helped in him getting. I didnt ask for it to be that high. Thats what the court decided and he blames me. It was excruciating sitting in court hearing over and over "shes asking for..." I didnt ask for it. I did what the court said. i did what HE said and did the appeal. I asked him several times if he was sure and he said "yes i want to know what the court says". I said they would make him pay a lot more than what I was asking. He said he thought that they wouldnt make him pay anything and that he shouldtn be paying even what he was currently. Then he just stopped paying anything because he said his girlfriend was angry about supporting me and if he paid me another monht she said she would leave him. but he said he wouldnt just cut me off cold turkey. he said he would give me what was a little over half for 5 more months. he also paid my phone bill and car insurance. i did take that into account. I just couldnt afford to live on that. and my life was so all over. i was in wisconsin and i couldnt afford to move back to california on that much, especially knowing it was about to stop. and i couldnt stay in wisconsin alone. i tried going to missouri but i ddnt like ti there. thats all part of geting on your feet. figuring out whats next and where you belong. i was trying my best. I just wish we had ended on at least civil terms. it was so bad. i coluldnt even recognize him. I already talked about it. The mediation was bad. I had a minor meltdown. Its embarrassing. I wish i was stronger but this stuff is hard for anyone. I dont even know why i care. I let some people read his declaration where he is basically just going off on a complete character assassination for no reason. unprovoked, unnecessary. And they said they would hate him and not give a shit what happened to him. How can people be so removed. It doesnt make me feel good to think of tim or his family struggling. But i know theyre okay. I know how much he makes and i know they'll be ok. but i put a lot into the marriage too. and I know what i was worth in it. I was really insecure about myself during our separation and like most women, felt guilty for leaving, but unlike most women... i got a clear head and didnt walk away with nothing afterall. If he cared he would be happy I have something now to take and build something for myself too. Like he has done. I wish him and his famil the best. including his girlfriend and they should be happy now that it is over so they can get married. I didnt understand why he was being so defiant against the court orders when they ordered him to pay alimony. We had to garnish his wages because he just wouldnt do anything we asked. We decided to sell the condo and we picked 3 realtors and he was supposed to pick one of the 3 and of course he didnt. and im sure they gave him some sort of deal or kickback. maybe not but how would i ever know? I dont. Just, anything we asked, he made diffciult. all while telling everyone that Im the one who was prolonging it. By not accepting his insulting offers? we eventually came to a settlement which was very similar to what i was asking for months ago that his 1st lawyer denied. they were being so unreasonable. but this new lawyer probably told him the truth for once and actually cared about his situation and not making a quick buck like that god awful woman. uhg she was evil. my lawyer said she was the most unprofessional lawyer he's ever worked with and that they made some of the worse and costly decisions. Like seriously, if they would have just agreed to our offer months ago it was the same and would have saved us so much time. or even the offer last year. geez its been a year. It was my boyfriends birthday on mothers day. All his kids, even his oldest Elle, gave me a card and flowers. They didn’t even get him a mothers day card. I used to get my mom fathers day cards and last year im pretty sure they got him a mothers day card. But I had them all sign a thank you card for him for mothers day. As well as a birthday card. But they all asked why. Because I guess I fill that role now. Which is awesome that they would think that way :) But I knew it would mean a lot to him to have a card too. I also made him bacon flowers. And for his birthday I made him homemade Almond Roca and a pokemon cake (I HATE pokemon but he plays it for the kids.. sometimes he gets carried away but I thought it would be cute).. notice its all food stuff. its all i can afford. cant even afford. i used my food card. Since I still haven’t received even 1 check. They said it came out April 5th. Its over a month now. I thought maybe they were being sent to my aunts house or my lawyer but no, my lawyer said they’re being sent to my moms. But I haven’t gotten anything. If I’m not there she sends me pictures of the mail I get. Caleb kept saying its up to us what we do because its his dads bday but its my mothers day and he made me a “mom” hat… which was a Santa hat that said “the mom hat” lol. They all slept in that morning and I got up and set up birthday stuff. Elle and I shopped for a few cheap things the day before that he could mostly use for work. It wasn’t much but he was happy. And I was happy to spend the time with her. We don’t hang out just the 2 of us very often.. or ever. But it was nice. She had to work but after presents we had breakfast at her work. She works at a breakfast place. Then we went to the beach. We surfed. Rob lost hold of his board and it hit me in the face. :( it really hurt. I have a tiny scratch which is crazy because I thought I broke my nose and he said when he first looked at it after that it was really back and blue.. but after like 30 minutes it wasn’t even red. I don’t get it. But I’m glad because that would suck. After that we tried to find a hot spring we heard of. But we ended up finding this weird place called ecotopia and it was creepy and we didn't care to explore it. We were planning to go out to dinner but we ordered in instead and watched Deadpool 2. Which I love but it is a little much for Caleb.. but Rob wanted to and it was his birthday so they stayed up late and watched it while I secretly decorated his cake in the kitchen. It came out pretty good for not knowing what the heck I was doing. its hard being with someone with older kids sometimes. as much as my input matters sometimes, sometimes it just 100% doesnt. and that sucks. But it is what it is. I'm starting to accept the fact that i wont have kids of my own own. I think of his as my own now. Well I have for a very long time. Its not just hard because of that but also because the oldest ones sort of take on parent roles themselves to pick up the slack for rob. Which means that me and rob dont just need to be on the same page but also me and 1 or even 2 other people. brooke listens sometimes but she butts in and tries to parent the boys. it makes sense when elle does, being the oldest, but she shouldnt have to take that on. she has too much going on as it is. school, work, a boyfriend, a life. the last thing she needs is to parent her brothers. but she has good ideas. and its rob (and my) job to impliment them. Im in parenthesis because sometimes i can be unsure. But it is defintiely his job. Sometimes he just doesnt have it in him. which is understandable. especially in his situation which is basically his wife was a meth addict and left.. but that leaves elle trying to come up with soltuions. and so many of her ideas are good. but if i dont agree with something, i dont know how to handle it. i try to tell rob. and he might agree but he doesnt talk to her about it. and its just touchy. not that elle and i dont get along because we do.. but i hate stepping on peoples toes. she's doing a good job doing what shes doing. But the boys have been a handful lately. i dont know why but caleb is acting out a lot and max is hanging out with some questionable friends. we got them into church youth group now and thats been really good but its taking time. they arent doing chores. max listens but wants to constantly be out at firends houses but never is where he says he will be. and caleb is just flat out disrespectful to everyone sometimes. and then the he's sweetest. lol. uhg. But Elle wants to start giving them allowance. I just dont think its a good idea. The boys need to just learn to listen because their father asked them to do something. not because someone is paying them. things are still slow and he cant afford it so elle was going to do it herslef. still. i dont think its a good idea. not yet anyways. until they understand that they just need to listen because thats the right thing to do. Not for an incentive. Maybe I am wrong. but Rob agreed. I just think he's scared of elle to be honest. so i'm worried she will put it into affect before he has a chance to address it. Thats just one example. Its hard enough co parenting with someone. let alone someone ith 4 kids.. older kids.. when i dont live here full time. but thats the eventual goal.. its just confusing to me. I'm grateful that the kids like me. love me. acceept and appreciate me. We have fun together and joke and they listen to me. I'm glad that is our dynamic and always has been.. because thats one reasonw hy i was hesitant to start this relationship.. so many horror stories with kids and step people not getting along.. i was so worried to get atteched to someone if their kids didnt accept me or who i didnt like. because if i had a kid and they didnt like my new boyfriend i wouldnt even consider it. Not that they dont get mad at me once in a while. I have to say no sometimes and it sucks but you know, I'm not a push over. But I'm consistent and they know now what I will say yes and no to before even asking most times. I don't like things being sprung on me last minute. There are just a lot of things I would do different. And he listens to me eventually.. like.. after his way failed over and over. And after seeing that my way actually isnt as bad as he thinks it will be. Like, discipline. It took a while but hes starting to see that kids crave discipline and structure. He was afraid to say no and do anyting to hurt them in any way because he says they have had it bad enough with their mom leaving. Yes. thats true. But its doing them a disservice to coddle them and give in to everything. Around Christmas last year was really bad. He would get so angry because they would be so disrespectful and ungrateful but he wasnt punishing their behavior but constnly rewarding it by giving in. As soon as that stopped.. they realized that bad behavior means loss of whatever they were wanting. and it took a while because at first they just freaked out more.. because they learned that freaking out = getting what they want from exhausted dad. They know things have changed since I've been here and why they are having to be more responsible for their actions... but they dont hate me for it. Actually.. when I've had to say no for bad behavior, very soon after they are even more affectionate than before. They know its in love. I just wish he wouldnt wait for some of his ways to not work out so much before listening or attempting my way. Its gotten a lot better but its not perfection and sometimes i feel like we are back sliding in that area.. i do see the effort though. For a while he was going from one extreme to the other. Its been hard to get to a nice balance when it comes to discipline but its getting there. I just keep tellng myself it doesnt matter what he does. I just need to be consistent. thats all. I never yell at the kids. If I am angry with one of them i tell rob and ask him what to do. and that in itself gives me time to recalibrate and i cant figure it out on my own usually. but when he gets upset... he's usually one extreme or the other still. And alll the kids complain when he's a push over with the others or too hard on them. It is hard because theyre older. the girls have to chime in at bad times. They say he needs to be more firm with the boys but when he does they undermine him. So I know its not easy. But I try to support him when that happens even if I dont agree exxactly with how he is handling something.. just to show the girls that it isnt the time or place to tell him he is wrong. let him do whatever he is going to do and let the boys listen. and then tell him after when the boys arent around. otherwise theyre just fueling the fire they are begging him to put out. I don’t judge him for why things are so chaotic. He went through a similar experience with his ex wife that I did with Max. It messes with you. Its hard to get things back on track. And sometimes he surprises me. And he says something so perfect that i wouldnt have thought of. I don't feel good today. I might be starting my period soon. I dont know what it is. Everything hurts. Lots of meltdowns lately so I know theres that but its more than that. My head is swimmy. my thoughts are so scattered. Its hard to focus. I never write in this anymore but i think thats why i felt the need to. Get it all out. This doesnt even skim the surface but its a start. I need to brush kodi. He has such a sensitive belly. He got some chicken. Just regular cooked chicken. And has the runs. Which is weird because when he was young and he had a belly ache i would cook him this rice/ground chicken/yam mash that the vet recommended. I need to look for a house. I don't want to rent. I cant afford it anyways. But I need my own place to call mine. Rob wants me to move in his place. I dont live here. I stay a lot but I dont even have a dresser here. He says he wants me to have a dresser and all that. He already calls it our bed and our room. And our house. I just need my own right now. Maybe because of the divorce. Maybe because I've never really lived on my own. even if i do decide to move in with him.. i want to buy so i have something of my own to fall back on. and real estate is complicated but it can be a good investment sometimes. so. why not. I'm just worried about picking the wrong one. I will never purchase a condo again. Not to live in. Maybe exclusively for renting out. I also need to get a new car. I got in an accident a few weeks ago. It still drives but the whole bumper fell off. The frame might be damaged but not sure. The guy I hit said he wouldnt report it because his car was barely more than a small dent and he said someome did hima. favor earlier that year and he would pay it forward. he is my angel. I had no insurance or registration and as far as he knew my car was totalled. it looked like it when he drove off. i was able to drive it a block away and the next day i banged out the part that was rubbing against the tire. But it sounds funny. and everything creaks. have to go slow because the part i banged out isnt that far so it still hits the tire over bumps. Its just... so done. And it makes me sad. I'm attched to that car. We've been through a lot. I want something bigger though. not huge but something where Kodi can be in the bback and not in a back seat. Sometimes he does great in the car but sometimes, like the day i got in a crash, he wants to be on my lap. Its dangerous. its not why I crashed. But Ive almost crashed a few times because of it. idk what to do with myself. im struggling. a lot. understatement. writing helps i guess. There was a duck in the pool. I dont feel good at all
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18/

it was suggested to me by a close friend/mentorr person that i may have c-ptsd. After looking into it a few months ago and again tonight... I definitely feel i 100% have it. Which is a sucky thing to feel both exxcited to have answes about something i was so confused about and upset that the only thing i've felt excited about in a while is such bullshit. that i have it at all. and how. and why. When i got to the home page i read the firsrt diary like i always do and it was someone who went to their ex boyfriends journal and read their last entyr. it ended up being a cute/hilarious entry and it made me curious forr myself. So. i clicked on mine and Tim's old joint journal. Not many entries. Just a few silly ones. One had pics. We look like little babies. We looked happy. And then i thought of him now, in court last month. Sitting to my left with an ugly beard and an untucked shirt and jeans.. thinking.. he can definitely afford to try to look more presentable. if i can on a nothing budget, he can. And also thinking, I wonder if he is the same? And next remembering our mediation meeting a week or so ago. Same ugly beard only longer. Why? Just. Why? And being in closer quarrters now.. his face looked so differernt. There's no gentleness. The person I knew is gone. Idk who that was. But who I knew, my husband, my old "Timmy bear" doesn't exist anymore. It made me sad. Not because I want him back. Ignorance is bliss and I thought our marriage was as close to perfect as you could get.. but being out of it looking in.. i was wrong. That's why this happened. But i do miss my friend. Very much. I can barely remember him now. A whole era that'll die in our thoughts and old bins in my moms garage. Max and I talked this month. idk. I thought he sounded so much better. Maybe he is, so mucch better. Maybe every fear and paranoid thought is just a response to a trigger and isnt real. Orr maybe he is exactly who he was, in a better disguise. I have emotional flashbacks all the time. A symptom of Cptsd. When i used to think of flashbacks i thought it was seeing things... flashes of images and being upset by those images. But emotional flashbacks are crazy. I used to love the show Roswell. (They're making a remake on CW rirght now.. i dont want to watch it... remakes generally suck). ANyways on the show, Tess has the powerr to make people see things taking place.. like puts them in situations that arent actually happening but they feel everything they would if it was. Which is sort of like how it is when i have an emotional flashback. Only i cant see it, i just feel it like its happening. That probably doesnt make sense but its 5am and i cant sleep. Max is a meth addict. Or was. We went thorugh a lot. I didn't know at first. I didn't know anything about drugs so I didnt know what to look for. or even that anyone would hide it. because I'm naive but also so transparent. He is sober now. Since April 2017. I think talking to him, hearing him say certain things.. brings me back to when he was using and all the craziness. I don't even want to talk about it right now. I felt like I needed more closure and I guess the idea of being together again was out there for a minute. If I want to be real honest though and risk being seen as utterly pathetic... it was morre than a minute. I really wanted to. Want to. But how.. and why? And no. My c-ptsd was caused by him. i cant tell up from down now with any person let alone him. The sad part is, he sounded really good. He has a sponsor and a job and saw his son again and has male friends and sounds like he quit smoking and prays. All things I wanted for him. And I'm happy for him. But he created so many tirggers. Of course theyd be moer intense with him. The sad part is, I think he is what he says... but these emotional flashbacks are so intense that it doesnt matter. Because the past is happening in those moments. Its ACTUALLY happening and I cant make it stop. I'll never trust him. He lied so mcuh. Even when I would catch him red handed, he would see me holding the evidence of the offense and deny it. He could look me right in the eyes and deny anything. And even though I was literally looking at proof, he was so confident, that I would question my own sanity and reality instead. Who could do that? To someone they love? Who would want that sort of power? These werent mistakes met with remorse and shame.. just pure manipulation. And he could convince me a million times over that "this time" was different and somehow he found a million differernt reasons why. I cant stand hearing myself say this stuff. Remembering accepting all of it. But laksjdsdsdsxh the good times.. his kiss. His eyes. His hands. He isn't even the most attractive person, in fact some think he's ratherr unattractive. Idk what it is. Maybe its his confidence. the same confidence i hate. And he has a nice jawline. uehrbdjhfv. I started casually dating a guy in June-ish. We were aquaintences before.. he has 4 kids. He's older. We broke it off in spetember, back together in october and I spent most of the holidays with him for severral reasons but one being.. to see if we could make it work despite how crrazy it seemed to everyone else. Mostly because of the age difference. But he came out of a similarr situation that i had with max and we were both so affected that it caused a lot of issues we didnt expect. we we'rent perpared. so. We've taken a step back. We're friends. I love his kids. No matter what happens, they will always be in my life now as far as I'm concerned. We are both extrrmely passionate. Which can be good and bad. I didnt expect to fall for him. We were friends for a while. We like worrking on porjects together. He wakeboards.. and that was fun. Neverr did it before and I was good. We went a few times earlier this year. Something fun and cheap to do with the family. The other issue, that he seems to think is a nonissue, he has a vasectomy. I want a baby someday. I had been trying to be open without actively searching for something. And this just happened but I said I couldnt in the beginning and that it wasnt realistic because of.. so many things. But it ended up eventually happening anyways. I guess the vasectomy isnt an issue rright now now because i am not planning to have a baby immeidately or while I'm still married (divorrce appeal is still going and yep, that means I'm still marrried). Unlike my ex, I don't rreally feel comfortable having babies out of wedlock. Even though I;m sort of against getting married again... i go back and forth on it... i am definitely against having a baby while still married to someone else. and sometimes, i dont really know if I even want a baby anymore. its all ive wanted for so long. But maybe its just too late. I shouldnt be with anyone right now anyways. I have all these conditions and whatnot. I'm lonely as hell. I have constant anxiety. I cant sleep. i cant concentrate. Whoever actually could take me on right now would have to be an emotional superman. I'm a wreck. I'm more depressed than i've ever been. Forr good reasons that I wont really get into. And yet, I'm containing it better than i have in the past. Masking it almost completely at times. But as soon as I'm alone, still, its like someone lights my whole body on fire. SLEEEEEEP. "The time is out of joint—O cursèd spite, That ever I was born to set it right! "
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16/ Garbage

I am going to start writing in this again. I have so much in me. Too much. Its all garbage. And I need to take it out. But whats one mans trash is another mans treasure, right? SO maybe someone can repurpose these thoughts into reasons and avoid everything I've ever never had to go through. This time last year, I was in the same place. About to move to Simi Valley and live with my aunt and uncle. If I had known everything that would happen.. maybe i would have stayed here. Even though Ihad my own bedroom and bathroom and that was nice considering what I haven't had in the last couple years. Its the small things. Little luxuries that people take for granted. A quiet space, a bowl of popcorn, a fuzzy blanket, and an episode of the office... but for some reason its so hard to get all those things at the same time. or have the will to even enjoy anything. because everything is so hopeless sometimes. Having to remember to breathe sometimes. or eat. but after this year, last year, the year before... i can handle everything. that isn't a challenge, Life. So stop. I did. I have. I can. But i need a break. I cant even start anywhere that makes sense. My friend Brandon and I hadn't talked in months. And last night he says that he is glad we are talking again because he can talk to his other close friend but they arent as clsoe as we were and he would rather talk to me. I said sometimes you want to just say how you feel and vent without having to explain and give back stories to everthing. Thats how i feel like now. I've been gone so long. I used to feel like sitD was that close friend i wanted to tell everything to and it just KNEW everything already. So there was no need to explain. Its so exhausting to think of where to start because so much has happened. but here are the basics. i am married again. save your congratualtions because its to my ex husband. or i guess my current husband. He refused to hold up the agreement we had. He kept putting me off. I was using credit cards to get by after he cut me off because his manipulative girlfriend said she would leave him if he didnt stop givng me money. the money we agreed to. i tried to keep it from going to court. i wanted it to be fair. i told him they would make him pay more than i was asking. he didnt believe me. he said it was too much. well. we couldnt come to an agreement and he refused to give what he said. he finally just said he wanted to hear what the judge had to say himself and told me to do an appeal. so i did. now he says i am the one who wanted to do it.. "to gain control over him" because he says Im not over him. uhg. if anyone is controlling its him. he's controlled the entire situationl. Ive been completely powerless in this. i cannot even get married because Im in this legal battle with him and to be in it means to be married again. and to be unmarried while we do this, apparently, is a lot of paperwork. says my lawyer. so im hoping this is over soon. not that i plan to get married any time soon. but it would be nice not to feel held hostage in my marriage. i was with Max but he wasn't ready. We were long distance for a long time and i knew long distance wouldnt work. and it didn't. it really really didn't. A lot happened last year. Its too much to write about now. But I'll be writing from now on.
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9/ Analysis

"I miss you so much." Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device ... Something is wrong with me. These words are magnets. My eyes and my soul keep coming back to them since he sent them at 8:26am Wednesday morning. Reading and rereading 5 words. 5 words. His response to my 15 paragraphs. Some of which were only a sentence or 2 long but still.. this is all that he could put together? Oh, do you miss me? A whole.. 20 seconds worth to type it out.. send it.. and go about your day as usual? Schedule me in between other non important events like taking a shit.. or playing another stupid game on your phone for 4 hours. And even that stupid fucking game gets 4 hours. sleep. eating. walking to and from the bathroom.. all took more time and effort than this fucking email. And what does it even mean besides the obvious... because it is obviously bullshit. I know that. history proves it. God confirms it. I ignored it. Rinse repeat. Until here we are and I am finally finally finally trying to be so nonstupid instead of so nonimportant to someone who is or has been.. everything. I tear them apart. What is there to pick at? Its barely anything. But I'm nothing if not an overthinker. This is what I do best. I. miss. you. so. much. period. I stared at it for a total of hours at various times today. i pick it apart. Each word. "I". He. Him. Max. Asshole. Obviously you. I know it doesnt make sense but I get irrationally angry at the obvious use of the word "I". Obviously you, asshole. Obviously. Thanks for clarifying. Again, irational was the key word. But knowing that doesn't tame the fire burning in my bones. boiling my blood. stinging my poors and making hairs stand on end. Literally. Its not really a stinging feeling.. more like... a lesser version of those cartoons when theyre so angry that steam shoots out of their ears.. it feels like a small scale microscopic steam releasing from my skin at all times. And the steam inside me and regular air are enemies. They don't mix and when they meet it feels wrong. Miss. I say the words so much they lose all meaning. Its no longer an emotion. Miss. Mister. Miss America. Mystery Science something thousand I don't give a crap that shit was awul. Missed the mark. Mark walberg. I miss. Yeah. You miss. You missed the opportunity to not be a shitty person and not do shitty things. You missed the opportunity to have a good life with the one person who did and would have stayed through anything. No. You didn't "MISS" anything. You fucking ran. Miss implies mistake or by accident. You purposefully planned. Everything. You are selfish. You are cruel. You are blind. You. Ewe. YOOOU. Who me? Because it could really be anyone. And why would I assume he means me.. when he had me he was always trying to get rid of me. It was always so "wonderful" in the beginning. He has some sort of super powers or evil force. Some sort of wizard. idk. The power to erase my good judgement and replace facts with fiction. It always ran out faster than a pictionary sand timer. He only wants me when.. when nothing. I was going to say :when he cant have me" but its not even when he cant have me.. he just always wanted me to want him reglardless of the fact that he doesnt want me and never has and doesnt give a shit and never will. So. So what? SO... to imply how painful this is for him? Not just "i miss you" period. No no that's not good enough.. no because he knows I miss him beyond articulation. He wants to come to my level. Make me think we feel the same with a single word. Everything is so easy for him. Its a strategically placed "so" that's caught my attention every time. Every time. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it got me talking to him again. And I know he knows or at least he thinks he knows that he can just shit words out his fingers at me and get the same bs results. He sent it at 8:26am on wednesday. It is now.. 4:37am on thursday morning... I havent slept since I woke up at 1pm (yeah i know.. sleep is all bs right now) when i read ffirst read it. Its been almost 24 hours. ANd I know he was probably wondering why he hadn't gotten a reply in 24 minutes. Not to confuse "wonder" with "care". Curiousity doesn't equal love. And its only been 20 hours and 11 minutes. Its been excruciating. But slightly better than last night when all I could think was "he doesnt fucking care" over and over until my brain exploded and I died and a little hamster came in and took over my body and that's why I'm so crazy.. i have hamster brain. By the way, hamsters suck at relationships. MUCH. much much much. munch. munchkin. I used to want a munchkin kitten. Its all I could talk about.. They're so effing adorable. I want to post a pic here now. But I'm not going to. But you know.. munchkin kittens are a lie.. theyre cute as kittens but as adults they look freaking weird. They're all stretched out and unhealthy looking. Who would want a hotdog cat? much. so much. muchness. Trying to convince me that there is any amount of "much" in his heart. He doesn't even know what much is. He has no much. He is muchless. Period. Oh. Are you done now? Like I didn't know... its not like your email was so very very long that I had to scroll to see where it ended.. but you had to rub in the shortness with your very unnecesary PERIOD. Period. That's it. That's ALLLLLLL you have to say. Well, glad you got that off your chest sweetheart. For realsies. Because i know how much it must be killing him to be in a situation HE CREATED. I am so OVER my addict sympathy right now. It'll reset tomorrow and I can "blame it on his addiction" and call it a "disease" but right NOW... he is a fucking dick. a small chubby one on a fat man who cant reach it. Btw its ok to say all this here because he knows I have had an online diary but he doesnt know the sit name. or my name on here. he was never interested. tim used to read my diary. i ddint even know.. he would make comments and I'd be like.. "oh.. you read that?".. "yeah".. all nonchalanty as if to say "of course". Like why wouldnt he? All that to say.. I can't sleep. I cannot fucking sleep. I need to sleep. I need to get things done. I cannot stop my mind. I'm going insane. I need help. I tried the whole anxiety medication back in june/july for a couple months. It just made me tired. And what is the point of taking away anxiety and replacing it with being tired all the time? I mean yeah I slept, but i was always groggy. And being tired when i dont want to be. or need to do important things stresses me out.. so its either be anxious or tired. uhg. So I stopped those. And sometimes on nights like these.. i think maybe they werent so bad. But no. I don;t like medication. I understand sometimes it is necessary and maybe it is but i just want to try everything first. But its hard to get that done right now. Everything is delayed. I have no money. I have far away money. future money. But nothing spendable. I feel poor. And I cant do anything I want to do. Now I'm angry at Tim. that's a whole other can of bs. We stopped talking.. if you can call it that.. on Friday. At 2:30pm. And he sent me a mean 2 sentence email. And I replied with a quick jab. But then I felt bad and wrote that 15 paragraph email at 2am Monday morning basically saying "look i dont want you.. and this is why.. but i care about you.. i hope you are ok and hope you get better.. etc etc.. i will always love you but im content and i hope you are too". non of that is verbatim. but you try cramming 15 paragraphs into a short sentence. And he said to that.. MONDAY - 5:10am... "You held on to us through my worst already. I can't blame you for not signing up to do it again. Pray for me to find the strength to ask for help" Now. Pre-alanon Jeni would have been fooled and started to convince HIM that its MY CHOICE and I WANT to be with him. He's done this a million times. Its always the same. Its 3 sentences. And of course he mentions God. Because he knows thats what i want to hear. Jusdt like he would throq in budhism shit when tlking to teresa who is a budhist. BUT. I did not reply. And then he sent the "I miss you so much".. yesterday at 8:26am. 2 emails. And I haven't responded. He probably thinks I am dead.. I haven't ignored him since last year when I went to Niarga Falls and New York and other east coast states. I started dating Levi. And then all of a sudden he wanted to be all... sandfjkgvsanefbsfdhjv. I'm tired. Of everything. And I will never know why but I miss him. So much.
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8/ Insomnia

Its not like i'm not used to having insomia. Its just that sometime around october/november.. idk if it was before or after i started going to meetings.. i think before.. but i just started being able to sleep even if something crazy was happening.. something crazy usually bieng max leaving. The more time goes by now.. the more insnae it feels that it all actually happened. I'm really sad tonight. I'm usually sad but busy enough to ignore it. I just have this panicky feeling. I wont see him again. Or, I will but I wont like what I see. Or, someone will call me and tell me he's gone gone. Or worse, they wont. And eventually.. i might want to look him up.. and I'll find out he's been gone for years. I'm also so overwhelmed with Kodi lately. He was supposed to be my service dog. To help me. BUt instead of training him all year like I planned to.. I spent the year either battling against max's addiction, battling against my own codependency, or being kicked out or moving or depressed. When Kodi was a puppy he was so perfect and I knew he would be what I thought he would be. But thats becuase i spent time training him. even a little here and there. now im so overwhelmed and busy. he has a big fenced in backyard. I buy him toys and those yummy bone treats he likes. i take him to the dog park but not as much as before. lately, i dont want him at all. i dont play with him as much. i havent brushed him enough. I have so much i need to do and i need help. i wasnt meant to do everything on my own. who is? maybe i shouldnt have him. Its hard having him here, in claifornia. In wisconsin i took him with me everywhere. and he was great in the car but in wisconsin i didnt have to worry about the temperature. only a couple times i worried but it was if it was too cold. And its winter right now.. when it starts getting even warmer out here i wont be able to leave him in the car at all. so i want him to be able to come inside with me to most places at least within the next few months. especially to meetings since i go to one every day and theyre less pressure than say the library or court house. he does well in public transportation, lays down at my feet and doesnt bark. but in a room full of people with no direction, no movement.. he gets so excited and wants to run everywhere and see everyone. which would be fine in some cases, if he did it calmly. but he's stilla puppy and he's big and obnoxious. sometimes he's too much. i need a dog sitter but i cant afford one.
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7/ Fear

Listening to: Kodi dreaming
Feeling: scared
I'm afraid I wont be strong enough not to contact him at some point. But i dont want to. One day at a time. I'm trying to remember that when I feel the urge to know how he is doing.. to know its ok to let God handle it. Trusting God is hard anyways but this feels impossible sometimes. Not that I've ever been able to protect Max from himself.. and I dont have any children but.. the only way I can describe the anxiety is like having a newborn baby and then having it taken away immediately and told it will be fine.. you can see your baby in a few months. we're not going to tell you where it is or who its with. Just trust us, its fine. I mean its different because I dont think I will ever see him again. I don't want to. I don't want to want to. I'm afraid of myself. I have boy cried wolf syndrome. I realized recently that I've been wanting him to "say what he means and mean what he says" for so long that I didnt realize that I had the same problem.. not in general like he obviously did. But I would say he couldnt hurt me anymore, and then let him. And I would try to be open about my feelings and frustrations and what I needed, but as we talked more and he broke me down more and more.. i would withdrawal into myself and pretend I could handle anything. I'm afraid of living my mothers life. I feel bad for saying that but at least she got a family. I want a family. I am 31. Now it wont happen. I dont want to date yet but if I started I am pretty much already considered desperate for a family just by age alone. But why is that a bad thing? I hate that word.. desperate: feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. I'm not desperate. I know, especially after the last 3 -4 years, that no situation is too bad as to be impossible to deal with. I can accept if I don't have a family. But I want one with all my heart and I will grieve the idea of it when it really does become too late. I dont think its a bad thing to know what you want. I wish I hadn't sabbatoged my marriage. I wish I had been more cautious with Max. I thought I was. I am the new phone list person for another group. So now I am the secretary for Monday night group and phone list person for Sunday night. I've been wondering why I've been feeling so.. out of control.. i wrote down all the meetings i could remember going to.. 10. 10 since i got here on the 24th of december. that's 10/30 days. I know it seems like a lot to anyone not in the program but for me.. i immediately knew why i havent felt as strong as i did to carry all these decisions out like i did in eau claire. I've been struggling so much. in eau claire i sometimes went to 2 a day. I mean and thats only because only 2 were available. i really was desperate for something back in november/december. I went to meetings almost everyday, sometimes 2 a day, for a month and I felt amazing. even on horrible days I felt something i cant explain. I dont feel it anymore. I mean i get bits here and there of that feeling. but its so short lived and it feels less. but I'm starting to get to know the people here more.. its starting to feel more homey. Max and I stopped talking Friday and I've gone to a meeting 3 days in a row. I always dread going and love staying. I feel better after. even if its a small improvement. even if it only lasts for the meeting.. its a nice break from constant anxiety. and being around people who just "get it". My friends don't understand. I told someone tonight at the meeting "they don't understand the pull they have".. as she nodded her head profusely in agreement. She told me no one there will ever judge me for the decisions I make. Its so strange because if I am really honest with myself, its THAT nonjudgement that really helped most i think. Its that "you know what to do" attitude in general from the group that helped me get there on my own. And, my amazing well meaning friends.. i love them.. but it was their "what the hell jeni? Why?... but he did this and that.. and havent you had enough..." and on and on and on.. and it was my stubborn nature whispering in my ear "prove them wrong" or "you're not a failure" or "they'll all say I told you so". Never mix love with stubbornness. My anthropology class is a little scary. I mean in other classes its a clear question and a clear answer. I mean even in english classes, or political science where you hve to give your opinion.. its really mostly base don the writing and effort and for the most part there are a lot of facts and statistics in polisci to draw from. It is and it isnt opinion based. The statistics arent theories. Anthropology and evolution and such.. its all theories and opinions and I'm going to be graded on it.. i feel like I'mgoing to be ripped to pieces just for enrolling in a class i needed. I hate talking about religion or politics anywhere but here, with very close family/friends, or.. yep thats it. I do not enjoy debating my values and beliefs. And I don't like being perceived as trying to talk others out of theirs or risk offending people just by saying how i feel about mine. I dont know. Good news is I am almost definitely going to get an A in my Java class. i mean i know its early but its being taught by an instructor i had last semester and she was amazing and I got an A. I just love her teaching style and I have never said that about any teacher, ever. And I'm doing great in spanish. I am taking such random classes but theyre necessary for transfer I guess. sometimes i feel like its a waste of time. But everything I am doing is good.. I mean I've always wanted to.. scratch that.. I've always been told I should learn spanish and I've never actualy wanted to. I've always been adamantly against it. But I have always wanted to learn A language. So why not spanish. I am afraid i have procrastinated with this court stuff too long. But idk what to do. It overwhelms me. I need to just do it. I wish kodi could stay here on his own.. but now he is being a little jerk and digging in the grass. a lot. like a huge hole. idk what to do about it. I think he has separation anxiety due to.. well several things. all the change, moving here, the dogs here dont want to play with him, and losing max. i mean max was a part of his life since the day i got him. minus 2 months and since i left in dec he was a part of 10 out of 14 months of his life. I need to get him into some dog training classes. I need a lot of things.. i just havent had any motivation or energy. extreme brain fog. extreme fatigue. Insomnia. I know I'm depressed. But unlike other bouts of depression, I'm staying on top of self care for the most part and pther responsibilities. especially school. I'm afraid my car is going to crap out.. i need an oil change. and a tune up. its making weird noises. it was supposed to last me another 10 years. instead.. i drove it to and from wisconsin 2 times. and to and from missouri to wisconsin like 6 times. I'm afraid all my hair is going to turn white by the time i'm 35. only a couple here and there right now but still.
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6/ Commitment

So I went to an alanon tonight at 7:30. I've only been to 2 since being here. It was the one I went to before. Its an ok meeting I guess. Small and a little.. idk. I cant describe what its lacking but it is. It isnt the size that's the problem. I've been to some great small meetings before. I dont know. Well tonight was interesting. Some alcoholic/ addicts came. 2 men and one of their wives who was not an alcoholic or addict. So. I guess they thought they were attending an AA meeting. I mean, alanon meetings are open to AA and NA members so its ok thta they were there. but it was awkward in a lot of ways for me. On one hand I'm glad they were there because i think it is important for AA and NA members to learn as much as they can about alanon too. The focus is always on them and their sobriety but how it affects the people around them is a part of it. ANd i think "double dippers" who do both programs generally have more success. At least from what i have heard from them. And if alcoholism and addiction (which I'll just refer to both as addiction from here on...) are genetic.. then the majority of these addicts will have their own "qualifiers" and things to deal with in that sense. ...Side note... about the whole genetic thing. I dont knwo how much of that i believe. I definitely think theres something to it. And if you agree its 100% genetic then its easy to call it a disease.. but what about the people who grew up in addiction free homes, unaffected by addiction. Do they also have a disease? There's definitely a propensity i guess when in your family's history. But it is also a lifestyle and a choice. A combination of all and who knows to what degree. Anyways so on the otehr hand i didnt want them there. i got a bad vibe from the husband of the woman. When I walked in i walked around to the empty seat that was opposite the door because i dont like having my back facing the door. Also the seat was cushioned and the others were not. And they seemed more spread from the other chairs then the other spots. Anyways the seat was next to a young woman and the husband.. who as i sat down he stood up and walked over to the seat next to his friend. Which.. most people would wonder why. I knew exactly why. That's probably because he doesnt want to make his wie uncomfortable. which seems nice. but really why would it matter. unless he had been a fucked up pos. That sort of thought to things like that come from excessive disception. Having to compensate in these little ways. Well it had been 4 or 5 days since i had been to one.. i you're not counting this other program i went to on friday where my mom was the speaker. so i cried. i dont really cry much at meetings anymore but i guess i had a lot pent up. especially right now. Max ignored me for a week and a half. He finally responded in an email on the 10th but i didnt even see it until the 13th. then a couple days ago we spoke on the phone. and idk. I'm confused. I was so angry all week. We were just talking a week and a half ago with no agenda. No plan. Just as friends i guess. But we arent friends. And after a week and a half of being ignored.. this time for no reason. absolutely no reason.. why would I want to? It was beyond words. The onyl way to not feel extreme anxiety every second was to remain distracted. School started last week and that was really good because i dont know whati would have done if it hadn't. My friend Melissa has been amazing. We met at alanon in st paul. She's become one of my best friends and in a lot of ways she is because she is the nly person who can truly understand all this. she gives me advice, encouragement, lets me vent, cry, she is just there for me when i need her. And I'm there for her. I think we were brought together for a reason. "God doesnt give you more than you can handle" and without her I wouldnt have been able to. Talking to max has been hard. I told him i wasnt angry that we werent talking or not together. it was the randomness. the ignoring me. completely cutting me off with no explaination. He apologized.. a lot. Tried to answer all my millions of questions. No one affects me like this. Not even Brett when i was obsessed with him. Not Tim. No one. I have theories of why that that I've created in times of silence. But my love for him is real and pure. However unhealthy we have been, are.. i wish i didnt but if im really 100% honest i dont wish that. He's what I want. I know if we never spoke again, i could move on and be happy. i could find passion. i could find something special. But it would be lacking. i can wish we never met. But i cannot wish i didnt want him. I know how stupid i am for it though. He's been really.. on top of doing what he says he will.. like beore he would say he will call in an hour and then 3 hours go by and i text him asking if he is ok and an hour later he was "sleeping". but he's been calling when he says he will. he doesnt seem annoyed to spend time with me.. maybe its because the day we talked, he had been to a meeting that morning. first one in a week. it all just seems helpless. i feel foolish. i even said at the meeting that i didnt want to talk because i was embarrassed to admit that i had been talking to him again.. not just since bbeing in CA but especially the last couple days. But there was a lady there who put it into words that i couldnt. its simple but true. She said her and her boyfriend were rocky. he isnt the addict in her life. her son is. but its causing problems in her relationship and her boyfriend asked her if she wanted to break up. She said to him that she is "too exhausted to do either" she cannot give him more right now because she has no energy. But also, breaking up requires a lot of energy. practical and emotional. and that's how i feel right now. It took so much for me to leave wisconsin. everything i had. and when i fgot here i got the flu and was depressed. and then school started. and max in and out since new years. sometimes i think i should just cut him off and we shoudlnt talk. But part of alanon is fousing on myself and i am trying to do that by going to school, taking care of myself, of kodi, spending time with friends and family, eating right, taking care of all the things i have to do... this last week not talking to him was so emotionally exhausting. i cant commit to that right now. it sounds stupid but.. i miss him constantly and im just not strong enough for that right now.i told him we didnt have to talk if its easier for him to stay sober or get things done if we didnt.. he had blamed me a lot for being the reason he hadnt gotten anythign done like getting a job or seing malcolm. as soon as i saidthat he said he wasnt fair when he said that. that it isnt me and withut me around he doesnt get things done and that he has to be honest iwth himself and realize he is the one to blame. he said he wanted to talk to me. that he misses me all the time. that its hard for him. which just made me angry because you dont ignore someone you miss. I know theres more to it but really theres not. a simple "i need space.. lets talk next week" would have sufficed. Im not irrational. And now he has started saying "I love you" again. I have no boundaries because i was caught off guard. So I've been trying to figure out what talking even means. We arent together but we act like it. Especially in the last couple days. I'm ashamed.. but I'm also happy. I enjoy him at his best. Well he isnt even at his best. Anyways. I also inadvertently volunteered myself to be the group secretary tonight. Mind you this was my 2nd time going to this meeting. She was asking people to fill roles because they switch who is in charge of things periodically. Not sure how often. But when she asked if anyone could be secretary no one said anything, and I didnt know what a secretary does.. so i asked out of cruiosutiy. I guess they are the ones that have the key and come 15 min early and get out the supplies. lay out the literature, set up the chairs etc. I said well if you cant find anyone else, I'll do it. But i thought she was going to ask at more meetings.. at the end she just comes up and hands me the key. I was like oh.. so this is starting now. ok. I mean its a good thing. I was just surprised. They dont even know me. Its a lot of responsibilty. But i wanted a committment role as soon as possible.. lol now is soon. I just always here alanon and AA members saying that being in a committment role was a huge thing for them. And being secretary... i dont have an excuse not to go to that meeting. So no matter what, from now on, I will hve to attend at least 1 meeting a week. I plan on attending several anyways, hopefully everyday like i was doing in eau claire. but its hard to get back into the swing of it here for some reason. in eau claire, meetings were like air. Here i go because i know i need to and should want to but there i wanted to just as much. Im sure it will come back. OK enough about all that. A lot of other random things haoppened. My mom was the speaker at a different program, similar to alanon but christian based. She asked if i would go. My brother went to. It was good. she is a good speaker. good writer. She said things abut her life that she had never told me. She has said bits and pieces but there were things i didnt know and it was really emotional. But i didnt cry. She frustrtes me so much, especially lately, being around her so much.. but i understand her a lot more. I try to have more grace for her.. she's been through a lot and she is extremely strong. i stayed at her house all weekend because of that and also i wanted her to cut my hair. andi needed to organize my stuff in the garage. but uhg. 2 days is too much time to spend together. my brothers dog bit my moms roommates friend. so that was weird. his dog is a pitbull. pitbulls scare me. especially the ones with the huge heads like his. He's all muscle. he seemed really unpredictable since i first saw him.. and when my mom does the "stare down" with him that she said "ceasat milan" does... i get scared he's just going to attack her face one of these times. Well they were sure they were going to have to put him to sleep after that but i guess its fine. he needs more socialization. And training. and really... idk i know people smack their dogs snout, ive even did with kodi for a little bit because he jsut doesnt listen but it doesnt help. the water bottle is more affective.. i want him to respect me not fear me. jason is aggressiv with him so why wouldnt he be an aggressive dog. he isnt abusive. but he smacks his nose... for good reason.. dont eat the bunny.. dont chase the cat. dont bite my moms friends roommate. but its like yelling at a barking dog.. you're supposed to be quiet and ignore them. dont communicate back. yelling is people barking. idk. my brother is great and all but he needs someone to tell him how to control his dog in a way that he thinks its his idea.. he's kind of stubborn. ive been here at my unclce and aunts for about a week and a half. Its been nice. The room is nice. Theyre nice. sitting on the porch doing schoolwork in warm weather while kodi runs around is nice. im so glad they agreed to let me stay here. when i first got back i didnt move in with my uncle right away. it was christmas eve so i stayed at my moms for a few days. then i got sick so i decided to stay longer until i wasnt sick anymore because liz is pregnant. i was sick with the flu for like a week. but being at my moms, sick or not, so depressing. i cant. i know that more than ever now. but here.. i feel so much more healthy here. its easier to focus on myself. I am taking the 2 classes I failed again this semester. I have a good feeling this time around. I wont be dealing with any of the same things. ANd even the max stuff, i am far enough away that as much as it affects me... it can only do so much. the java class im taking is so much better. ive had this instructor before and she is amazing. the other one just was lazy. he was very hands off.. he wrote out all these modules... like literally 10 - 15 LONG modules per week.. so much reading. they were conusing and overly detailed. He wasnt available for questions. He said if you have questions ask in the discussions forum and classmates will help. um. it isnt the job of my classmates to teach me.. its yours. This current instructor is great. she does video lectures. I learn from watching and listening. Examples. Her videos are perfect. The way she teaches is so easy to understand. Her assignments are easy to follow. And she accepts late work all the way up to the end of the semester. So I'll be getting an A. Im also retaking spanish and its going better thistime. Meeting with my partner today at 2pm. Its a lot of tedious time consuming work bbut its been easy. And my 3rd class is anthropology and i was worried because im a christian.. and i really dont know much about this stuff. but its been really inteteresting. And apparently there are a lot of christian anthropologist. On wednesdays we wear pink! no but on wednesday I'm going to the courthouse again to file papers. The papers i already filed! UHG. SO i had court on the 9th to finally move this divorce appeal forward. And.. IM getting sleepy. wed @ 1:30am... Ok back to finish this. There's always so much and so little. And I signed on and had every intention of writing.. i was excited to.. but now im tired again at the thought. same with tonights meeting. i was excited to go and get things off my chest. first time at that meeting. but it wasnt like meetings im used to. i dont like the meetinfs where its a free for all and you basically just chime in when you want it to be your turn. I'm not a chimer. Not with strangers anyways. I like the ones that start at the leader and go in order left or right. easy. and you knwo what to expect. at these types of meetings where you just insert yourself wherever, especially when I'm the newest person, i always feel like everyone is looking at me. waiting for me to speak. and i do like speaking at these meetings. but i dont liek being expdcted to speak. if that makes sense. i kept going to. working myself up to. and then not. i didnt speak tonihgt. first time in several meetings. i try to always fget myself to. but something kept stopping me. i mean, i am bad in social situations. but alanon has never realy felt like a typical social situation so ive never really felt too awkward. i mean yes, to some degree, because Im me. but nothing i cant handle. maybe it was that it was so bright. or the woman there, who is very nice dont get me wrong, but she was the one who asked if i wanted to be secretary, and she showed me where teh meeting was.. but idk.. she puts off a weird vibe. shes really hard to read.idk maybe i just didnt want to feel ashamed on top of being exhausted. i felt guilty as the meeting went on.. thinking every time it took a little too long for someone to speak up, that i should have spoken up. but by the end i realized... in alanon fashion.. i dont hve to do anything i dont want to do. and just because i typically like doing something, and its like me to do something normally.. doesnt mean i have to always like it or always do it. i didnt want to tonight. And that's ok. The topic tonight was "progress" and for the first few minutes i ws racking my brain trying too figure out how I've moved forward but all i could think of were all my setbacks this week.. deciding to leave wisconsin.. andthen talking to him again. saying we should only be friends.. and then replying to his i love you's with i love you too.. and not wanting to take it back because its howi feel. good or bad its how i feel. and as long as i am taking care of myself.. i think its ok to feel how i feel. before i wasnt. i'm far away from a bad situations now. i'm focusing on what i need to do and being productive every day. even on very bad days, like when he was ignoring me, i find moments of peace and happiness.. where i couldnt have or even wouldnt have before when i was still there. i realized that, it might not be much to an outsider... but to me I've made so much progress and its ok to be proud of myself and acknowledge it, including my setbacks. i just need tobe easier on myself and forgive myself and let myself feel how i feel as long as I take care of myself. baby steps. so i have a commitment in place. That was a goal I wanted to accomplish and I did. Go me. I also want a sponsor as soon as possible. I just.. i had a very bad experience in st paul. I might write about it another time. but she was only my sponsor for less than a week and it was very damaging to me emotionally. at the time. I'm past it now. And I want to do a step a month. I realize that I shouldnt rush anything, but i predict I'll be in this program for a long time. Not just for my recovery from dealings with an alcoholic/addict but because it is an all around help to every area of my life. Especially aspergers. I mean the necessary, but safe social interaction alone has helped me a lot. anyways. i need to get up early tomorrow but i cant sleep. or i dont want to. im a little sad and anxious right now. a lot. i stopped by the store on the way home and got a few things. one of those things.. mochi ice cream. Mmmmm. i guess that's all.
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5/ Insanity

I wrote this a while ago and forgot to actually post it so here we go... probably because i didnt end up finishing. i never do though. I will never learn. I am insane. Knowing doesn't help. I don't know what it is. I can't turn it off. I hate myself for it. Even when I pull away its like a magnet. I get pulled back. With hardly any effort on his part. I love him. And he's so convincing when he tells me he loves me. Its not real. I KNOW that. But I can't stop myself. I don't know how to explain the last few days. I've been in denial since I decided to come back to California. Maybe it wasnt so much denial though. I told Patrick tonight that it felt like I was possessed in Wisconsin. Somethings, some force, but not myself got me here somehow. Because if it were up to me I would be in wisconsin still. As crazy as that sounds. Because I wouldnt have been able to do it myself. I believe in God and so I believe it was Him who got me here I guess but even if i didnt. It wasnt me. And I wouldn't know what but its undeniable. And especially right now I dont want to give credit to God. I'm angry at him. I believe in him. I belive what I believe but I'm angry and I know it doesnt mean anything. I'm angry that it feels like it doesnt mean anything. And all those athiest out there shaking their heads. I have seen him in my life. I know what i know. I mean as stupid as is stounds to atheists that I do belive in God, I think its just as crazy that they dont.. but not even that... i can table the idea of God for a second.. do they just think we are alone? What about aliens? out of all the galaxies and universes and craziness we dont knwo about... i hope that for every person that doesnt believe in God, I hope they at least believe in aliens. I mean I dont know if I believe in aliens but i think I'm closer to believing in them than not. this entry took a weird turn. I deleted 360. Its this app that tracks your location. Max had it on his phone from a long time ago and on new years he told me to download it and i could see where he is. i was worried. I said it was fine but i was also curious and it helped.. it shouldnt come to that. needing assurance. People's words should mean something and his never did. And he was always good at finding loopholes and being sneaky anyways. So all these apps and assurance were just silly delusions. I miss being stupid. Not knowing what a liar he was. I miss him.He lies about such stupid stuff sometimes. Its like he has to reach a quota per day. Its like he has a lying fetish. BUt i deleted it. I was driving myswlf crazy. He does this lovely thing where he ignores me for random amounts of time. the other day it was 5 hours because I said "if you liked me you'd play games with me" I said this in a playful way because i asked him what he was doing and i already knew the answer. he is always on his phone. playing games. and he got upset about it. he said "mean" I said "why? You play a lot of games" and i just wanted to spend time with him and he said "ok. sorry" and then ignored me for 5 hours. Later he said sorry and that he ignored me because he said he was angry and he didnt want to be a dick to me. I asked why he got angry though. I just wanted to play games with him. And he said he cant control what will anger him. Just that he got angry and didnt want to take it out on me. Usually when he gets angry... even if the outcome is him raging and lashing out at me in an over the top disproportionate way.. at least i can somewhat pinpoint the trigger. maybe something i said. Maybe i said a rude comment. Maybe it was even on purpose. But it doesnt warrant a response like that. a mean comment said usually because he was being mean in the first place doesnt make it ok to ignore someone 15 or more hours. But that's what happens. But these "mantrums" (man tantrums as I just now decided to call them) are getting crazier and less and less predictable. Not that they ever were best described as predictable. Nothing he does is. The only thing predictable about him is how unpredictable he is. Monday and tuesday night we video chatted on facebook while we slept. We used to do it a lot. Ive done it with brandon because he's my best friend and we both have anxiety and it helps us sleep. And i just miss max and he said we could. I wasnt goign to make a regular thing out of it. I knew once i move to my uncles that i wouldnt be able to talk as much. And i probably shouldnt because of how emotional it can make me. So i wanted to spend a lot of time with him. He was being so sweet. And cutesy. Taking pictures and joking with me. Flirting with me. Its crazy how awful things can get, how much trauma there has been, but how easily we can fall back into us. He's home. Anyways around 5am the call dropped and without me asking he said he would call me back. around 7am it dropped again but he was sleeping so i just went to sleep. when i woke up i asked if he was up but no response. I've been sick so i ended up falling back asleep. we played tag a couple times. he would wake up and say soemthing short. then i would. the last thing he said was "did you move today yet?" at 3pm on wednesday. And I responded but he never looked. 360 shows when you charge your phone. wednesday night he charged his phone. idk if he forgot it showed that or just doesnt care. But i knew then that he was seeing my messages and pretty blatantly ignoring me.
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4/ Inventory

On Saturday I move into my uncle and aunts house. I'm at mymoms right now. Its been okay. NOt terrible but I just cant be here indefinitely. We havent had any horrible fights but she just gets undermy skin sometimes. BUt right now she is being nice. She's making me soup. i dont feel good.. I had a nice Christmas with family. I'm glad I didnt wait longer or try one more time. I mean. It wasnt up to me anyways. He said "Iwould have begged you to stay". Instead of saying goodbye to me in person he decided it was more important to drink. Yeah. So I guess he relapsed like a week after we broke up. Around Dec 7thish. When I had that medical scare and they thought I might have had a stroke or something. Which it turned out to not be a new bleed but a "old bleed" which was explained as "something I've had since birth"... "probably". I love when medical professionals use that word, don't you? Anyways, i told him about it and begged him to call me because I was scared. And he didnt. instead.. he used it as an excuse to relapse. That's all that was. He loves being depressed and having things fall apart and not work out and everything being "too hard" so he can sit around and tell himself "i tried" and "what did they expect". And he was trying for a lot of it.. but when I look back I really wonder if he was actually completely sober the whole time. Now that I'm coming out of the fog it gets harder to beleive he was. But then I feel so cynical and paranoid and harsh and think maybe he was.. its crazymaking. I would skip this rambling nonsense.... For example... after he got out of treatment.. he got out a day before graduating. long story but he was supposed to pick me up from the airport and he told me the treatment center said it was fine. but really.. im sure he just never asked. Anywyas. So when he did ask they basically said no. And he already told me he would pick me up from the airport and he didnt have a way to contact me to change plans because his phone didnt have service or maybe i had his phone. yeah i think i had it because well thats another long story. It was this huge thing. The entire day was insane. for half the day i thought my car was stolen because i didnt know if he was in treatment or not. but my car wasnt in the lot... oh and also... the day i took him to treatment, we stopped at a gas station. And he tells me to give him $40 of the $100 he just gave me to pay me back and he will go in and pay. he comes out with a beer... I said "um wtf max, you asked me to take you to treatment and youre fucking buying a beer right now??" So i took it away like he was a tiny child and he didnt even fight it.. he was so gone. and idk WHY I didnt just throw it away. i ask myself all the time but i put it in the trunk of my car. Maybe i thought he would be mad at me or something Idk. I cant tell you. it was just a crazy day really. and wwhen things are crazy sometimes i dont make the most sense. He was high on a lot of stuff so he couldnt even get in and out of the car. so i helped him into the car as people watched. it was really embarrassing. And checked his pockets. I found a bag of blue pills. I threw that away immediately. Then i went to fill up. But nothing was happening. I told him it wasnt working... and he starts blaming the cashier for stealing. I said 'no. where is the change?' he said there was no change "she took the $20" I said "no... I gave you $40". So I go inside and he is accusing the lady of stealing. I said sorry for him and i try to figure it out but someone in that fucking station was lying to me and I couldnt prove it was the cashier and I didnt want to argue with max. imean she did seem kinda sketchy but out of the 2 only one has lied to me before so I paid her $20 to fill up. I fill up and we leave. So, that said, when he got out of treatment that day to pick me up he went to the place my car was parked and was going to pick me up the next day. he had a whole day maybe a day and a half after getting out of treatment. When he picked me up there was a bag of trash on the floor. I looked in and there was the smashed beer can. I asked him about it and he said that when he saw it in the ttrunk it ws too tempting and he wanted to drink it so he chucked it on the street instead. i bought it at the time but its complete bullshit. but whatever right. Another thing though.. after he got out we didnt really have anywhwere to go. so we went up to his family's house in hayward. no one uses it most of the year, its just for like vacationing. so we ended up staying there for about 3 months. well from time to time i would smell weed. and he would smell it too and comment on it. probably before i even did. He would be standing in the kitchen and be like "do you smell that?" yeah.. and he'd say "i wonder if i left weed up here.. i cant find it though"... he'd start standing on chairs and looking in cabinets, etc and say "but if i do I'll let you know. maybe its alicias" his sister. And then one day im cleaning, after he had just cleaned the counter and i just wiped it down one more time and there it is behind the cookie jar in the corner of the counter. And I said.. is this yours? He said no he doesnt put weed in bags like that, "it mustve been alicias". And i said ok but you didnt see it?? Youve cleaned the counter a lot.. he said no he didnt see it. But i dont know. thats the perfect cover. to say he smells it. to be the first one to smell it. and act like he doesnt know where its from. so if i smell it i dont think he knows. and idk. it doesnt matter. Just little things like that.. alll the time. Its just sad. I just want him to be content. Not have to do what he does. I love him. I wish I could fix him but even from the beginning I always knew that wasnt my place to do that. He has to want to. He has to do the work. And I think soemtimes he was. But not nearly as mcuh as I thoguth he was. He couldnt stop lying. He even lied about smoking cigerettes, right to my face. So why wouldnt he lie about worse. I told him I didnt care if he smoked anymore, as long as he didnt lie about it. Sometimes I think he just likes lying. I just feel stupid. I have had a broken heart before. And you always get that feeling of "i wish we never met" but i always end up getting over that and being happy for my experiences with that person. Because its usually mutual or i understand or eventually i realized we werent meant to be. But i really do wish we never met. Because I cant shake the feeling that he is the "one". he is mine. Im his. And its hard to have that feeling when I cannot be with an addict. At least i cant be with a liar. I could have handled the relapses. I know that sounds crazy but I knew they would happen at least for the first year and up to 4. I mean I prepared myself mentally for the relapses. Its everything else I didnt preapre for. I wasnt prepared for the lies to continue. He always blamed his lying on the drugs and alcohol. So either he was still doing it all and never stopped thus never being able to stop lying or he lied about lying and was just a lying liar. Either way sucks. if that even made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. I miss him constantly. Even though the end months were horrible. I've never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone and I know I wont be ever again because I cannot imagine someone being that way to anyone. I dont know why he is so convincing when he says he loves me and wants me after all these awful situations. i feel like an addict. they say take a girl on an exciting date because then she will associate those exciting feelings with you. They also say that excitement and stress trigger the same feelings. SO being with an addict is stressful... but thats a close feeling to excitement. so then my braind associates being with him as being exciting - good or bad still exciting and i think the body cant tell which is which. maybe. idk really and Im too lazy to go google it for 5 hours right now. becauser thats exactly what i would do. spend 5 hours researching exactly that and it doesnt even really matter. New Years is coming up. ---------------------------------------- so.. happy new year sit diary. I need to stop starting entries if I cannot commit to finishing them in one go. I started this one on the 28th. Its Jan 1st. And. My new years was uneventful. the last 3 - 4 days I have had an awful cold. I walked into the kitchen the other day to get the juice my mom got me and i almost fainted again. i grabbed the table for support and she's just sitting there just talking away like she doesnt even see me. And everything is turning gray just loke it did when i fainted at the motel. And it scared me. I was determined not to faint and start shouting at her to stop. stop what idk. Just stop. Talking. moving. whatever she was doing was not ok at the time and making it worse. And i finally am seeing colors again enough to move from the table to start walking back to my room but i make it to the hall and slide down the wall and have a meltdown. And she comes over and tells me she read that she knows that i dont want to be touched but that its what is good for me and is it ok if she hugs me. and the thing about that is.. she is absolutely right. I do not want to be touched. by anyone when that happens. Except max. before it was tim. Idk if its a signifigant other thing or a personality thing. idk. but thats all. and really i wouldnt want tim to even if he wanted to. so really its max. ANd the other thing about hugging.. its just fine. i actually like hugs in the right situation. but there is just something about my mom. and i mean i feel kinda of bad about this, and i dont know why, but hugging her is extremely stressful for me. so i resisted. but she's her. and it was awful as expected. but i was trying. and it eventually ended and her roommate heard and I was embarrassed. I dont like having meltdowns. what autistic person does.. but. I really dont like having them in front of people. Especially when one is my mother. All week I've missed max. I didnt think i could miss him more until then. We have been talking since New years Eve. We arent together. But. I wish we could be. I cant be with him when he's at scotts. When he says with his mouth that I'm right and he shouldnt be there but he wont go anywhere else. He says its his only option. He relapsed. He could.. and should go back to treatment. I used to say go with family but I really think he needs more inpatient treatment. There's pepole in there for several months when they just do 1 thing. Yeah his drug of choice was meth. but he did pretty much everything apparently. yeah, i didnt know until later. i dont like looking at statistics. i dont like being realistic about what might happen. Because it cant. i know people would think im psychotic for talkign to him after everything. But when I dont its just a count down until I can. Even at my best during those times.. idk I've even been happy. But then we talk and it feels like I had been trying to breathe under a mountain of football players and didnt know it. Idk. something changed. or Maybe when I started going to alanon its not that something changed in him but I could see his intentions more clearly. I hope thats not it. im not sure whats worse though. If he was never that serious about it, that sucks because him saying he hit rovk bottom was just a lie but its hopeful in a way that.. he still has the potential to hit hisrock bottom. Im scared of what that would take for him though. If april wasnt it. On the other hand, if something just changed... i think thats worse. how many rock bottoms does it take? and if you can hit rock bottom and keep going back.. i mean he didnt do meth. his relapse was with weed and alcohol but he agreed that if he stayed there it might happen. I just dont get how the whole "say no to drugs" talk didn't take for some people. I mean I made fun of it in my head during. But apparently it made a subconcious impact. Although I was never actually offered anything. In fact someone told me they wouldnt give me drugs because they were "afraid what might happen"... people seemed to always assume I was either high or drunk anyways. I snack like I always got the munchies, I'm just a little too clumbsy, random by default, and idk.. I think the last few years that's changed somewhat though.. sometimes I wonder if people think I am an addict/alcoholic by association. Not people at AA. They seem to know the difference. Its not that hard really. But like law enforcement and professionals. the people at the treatment center. idk. I'm about to contradict myself because i just said I don't get it. but that isnt true. i get it. everyone is an addict. i mean it isnt a complete contradiction because i get addiction but i dont get addiction to drugs. I feel I'm addicted to max. I know I am in love with him. But there's also something else. I have a really addictive personality. Everyone does to an extent. Even if your addiction is laying on your ass doing absolutely nothing. Doing sitD right in the new year. just like the good ol' days. Rambling incoherent nonsense as far as the eye can seeeee. Don't worry.. I'm done talking about max for now. I haven't done pretty much anything since being back. I;ve been sick but so what. Although yesterday I decided to do some challenges. 100 days of squats, 100 days of push ups, 100 days of learning Nuvole Bianche on guitar, 100 days of using charcol with my toothpaste. I started the squats and guitar yesterday. I want to squat 100 pounds. which isnt much but i can barely do an air squat. I want a big butt. God didn't give me much to work with but that. Imean I like my hair. But after the last 2 years I'm pretty sure I'll be completely gray this time next year. I read that squatting can actually make you shorter. Which. Is not ok for a person like me. I'm 5 3/4". So I need to start doing yoga again. Nuvole Bianche is so beautiful. Sometimes I listen to it on repeat while I study. Speaking of that.. i should register for classes. I failed 2 of 3 last semester. uhg. I got an A in the 3rd one but it was easy. Oh. Right. I move into my uncle and aunts house today. I'm nervous about it but excitedish. I hope kodi behaves. He's been a nightmare here sometimes. But maybe because of all the change. And I have been sick so I havent been able to do things with him as much. i think their backyard is more grass so he wont do what he does here and just roll in the dirt nonstop. every time i go out there he is literally just rolling around like he knows how white he is and how fun it is to brush him after he does these things. I have a weird feeling. I can't figure it out. I keep wanting to write about it but it isnt translating into words. Maybe in a few days I'll know what it was about.
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3/ Anger

Its been a hell of a week. Actually its been a hell of the last 2 days. But the week prior was great. wonderful even. I had tiny setbacks and felt little pains of sadness and doubt and hurt but not like usual in this situation. I dont know where to start or what to say. Max and I broke up on dec 1st. It feels like longer. It hasnt even been 2 weeks. Ive been doing really good. Not just saying it. I've been going to alanon meetings every day. and keeping in contact with people. and I've even been happy about it. he keeps doing this to me. Kicking me out. Or leaving. And it was one thing before but now its winter. In wisconsin. I spent Thanksgiving without him when I could have been with my own family. He promised this wouldnt happen for Chrtstmas. schoool. alanon. max. friends. living. andrew. airbnb ------------------------------------------------------------------ I started writing this entry weeks ago.. i didnt even finish.. at the end i wrote things i was going to write about and never got to them. I guess its fitting that I never finished it. Because I've had a hard time getting past my anger lately. Its not like I expected myself not to be angry. But I've been dealing with it in a mostly non psychotic way until I started this entry.. and ever since.. I've just sort of lost it. So much has happened since I first started this entry. This last month has been so crazy. I pushed him away with anger. And people "don't blame me" because of "all the trauma" I've endured. And "of course" you're angry. But this last week I've just said evil things. I have been mad before, I've been really mean before.. not like this. And I mean he's said evil things to me. Done evil things. Been generally evil. The fact that he has him amazingly sweet moments only makes his overall evilness that much more evil. And I say evil and not mean because its on another level than meanness. And I got to that level this week. I moved back to california. I am so tired. I'll probably add to this later.
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2/ Focus

Sometimes I just cant do anything. Literally. Anything. My brain will not function. I'm lucky I'm able to type right now. I just dont understand how sometimes I am so good at things and sometimes its like I'm just a shell. Sometimes I'm so capable of things some people would be jealous of. And sometimes.. I cant even remember basic common sense. I got upset with my friend last night. Idont know why when people say crappy things they try to cover it up with "I meant blah blah blah". Like I'm not aware that they arent perfect and that people dont say stupid things or even believe stupid thigns sometimes. Just own it. I get not wanting to offend me, but you did. And it was equivalent to saying "That's retarded" To a mentally challenged person. Basically blaming the reason he couldnt think and was basically calling himself stupid not by saying he is stupid but that he has autism. And this isnt the first time he's used this phrase of his to relay how stupid he is. I said.. "dude. You have said that before and its like you forget who you are talking to." And he says to me "You dont have autism. of this I'm sure". First of all, I do in fact have autism. However high functioning it may be. And that is a fact I didnt just pull out of my ass but was finally "given" to me by a qualified psychologist and psychiatrist and confirmed by multiple medical professionals since. "given".. like I didnt have it up until then. It finally explained a lot of things and I wasnt happy to have it.. but I wasnt unhappy either. I was happy to have a reason for all my unanswerable questions. And at this point in my life, I dont think of autism as a curse. It made me who I am and I like who I am.Most of the time. And I have overcome A LOT. And obviously I wish I could overcome the rest but I'm working on it. And I dont know. His whole "I meant..." explaination just made it worse. Because it was like "well i just meant that you are a very smart person blah blah blah" Being smart has nothing to do with it. And really, I'm not very smart. I have to work for what I got but there are a lot of naturally intelligent and talented people on the spectrum that are more "afflicated" than I am. Even someone who is that ridiculous steroptypical image of autism, that people love to assign to every sinfgle person on the spectrum, could be a freaking genius. Whether they are sitting around not able to talk, shitting their pants, chewing their hair.. whatever ridicilous idea you have about autism.. doesnt mean you know whats going on in their head. It has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Or if you're verbal or not. It just made me so angry. Because there technically is no such thing as aspergers anymore. Its all considered part of the autism spectrum. I just really hate when people say bs like "But youre so normal" and "But my cousins sisters ex roommates nephews etc etc etc has autism and you're nothing like him" etc etc . I dont even feel like explaining how ridiculous these statements are. People dont even get how in a single sentence they can discredit a persons whole existence. Fortunately Im in a good place right now and these thigns dont affect me quite as much as they used to. Not enough to stew on it all day for weeks and weeks. months. years. I guess thats what writing is for. And autism isnt who i am, but it made me who I am. Like a lot of things but it has affected me in every way since I was born. Its like going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying "You arent handicapped. i know you can walk". "Oh i didnt mean to offend you... i just meant you are such a smart person that Im sure if you tried hard enough you could just like.. make your legs work. Fuck doctors. Just try harder. be better. You're so capable of other things so its crazy you arent capable of walking. its so basic. What are you stupid?" That's exactly what its like. Anyways. So I was already having a hard time focusing on anything and getting my brain to work and then that conversation happened. And at the end I'm the one who ends up feeling bad. You know the whole fight or flight response. pretty much bullshit. Why am I so "normal"? Because I looked at my character defects and try by best (i suck sometimes but i think I am pretty good) to work around them and blend into society at least in terms of what is socially acceptable behavior. And this whole "Oh I offended you? ok bye" shit is just SHIT. I used to blame my mother for it but now I credit her for my ability to confront my emotions and others. She took it overboard (ok lets face it, at times she was/is just bat shit crazy.. but she's getting better) but without that I might be as f*cked up in that area as everyone else. Just abandoning people and converations when I'M the one in the wrong or made the mistake. and everyone does it lately. and i'm getting really sick of it. I'm just glad I have been going to meetings.. because I dont know how i would be handling things and especially people lately. So I ended up feeling really misunderstood. I made a friend a few months ago who has aspergers. I stopped talking to him because I didnt want to make more male friends in addition to the ones I already have. I'm not going to fire any of my preexisting friends just because theyre dudes but I really want more women friends. Alanon is somewhat helping with that. But I made an exception with him because he has aspergers and can relate to me in a lot of ways no one else can. So it was nice catching up. Right now we are staying at a friend of max's because well. long story. But its aspie hell. I can talk about that sort of thing without feeling high maintenance or like I'm just a complainer. I dont want everything to affect me like it does. I cant do anything about it. alanon is helping me understand that I am who I am and I dont need to apologize for it. I have a lot of studying to do. But I cant absorb anything right now. Idk how to fix it. Its been like this for weeks. and especially the last couple days. Max and I are all over the place. I feel like the more I try the less he does. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying. Its not fair to say he isnt trying. But he just plays games on his phone all day when he could be looking for a place to live or a job. He keeps saying he will get a job this week. He said that lasrt week. And he says for me to just focus on school. But nothing is getting done and I dont want to be at his friends house anymore. its only been a few days and its really hard. So I have been looking for jobs and a place to live. Everything kleeps falling on me. People keep saying to focus on me and take care of me. But those are things I need too. So I cant depend on him to do them. ANd i have to do it all. And its so stressful. But telling him that makes him feel like I am blaming him or attacking him. the other day i just said i need help and that i am feeling really overwhelmed, this was weeks ago and it started a huge fight because he took it as an attack. I dont know how to say anything. Things have been a little better lately so I dont know how the same conversation would go now.
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1/ Recovery

Feeling: better
I decided to write in here again. I used to write all the time. Maybe not every day. But regularly. I used to do a lot of things I dont do anymore. That's all about to change. My life. Has been. Insane. For better, for worse, mostly for worse but I'm in a place in my life right now that I havent been in in a very long time and thats being able to REALLY see the good in even the most horrible situations. And I think I am here, in this state (of mind), for a reason. As well as being in this state.. of wisconsin.. for a reason. Years ago if someone had told me I would VISIT wisconsin, let alone live here indefinitely, I would have laughed and laughed... now here I am 2 plus years later. I met Max what seems like a lifetime ago. But it wasn't. Its been less than 3 years. But in that time we've been through so much. In our own lives and together.. and its been so... well its hard to explain in 1 entry. and its hard to explain mostly because although I know God has his hand on my life right now.. I'm not sure what that means. What he is trying to do. I already know he's a part of this. I dnt need to wonder. And I dont care if anyone does or doesnt believe that or in God etc themselves.. I can tell you this much... I'm not afraid of my faith anymore. So to those who dont like honesty or have a weak stomach for God talk, you can probably stop reading now or get yourself a barf bag. I dont like talking about God because it generally made me uncomfortable in the past just because my mother was so in mine and everyone elses face about religion growing up. But Iwas never like that. But this is a safe place to be open about that stuff. Because of the events of the last couple years, because of my current relationship, and because of experiences of my past that I had no idea affected me in the ways that they did until recently, I have recently been going to al-anon meetings. And its been amazing. There is a force in those rooms that cannot be explained. Its not just God. Its not just a common bond. Its a fusion of those and so many other things. And it has been making a difference. Not just in my dealings with my current relationship like I expected. But in every area of my life. But I digress. This isn't a public service announcement for a program. But things have been hard. But I'm becoming who I am again and just who I am period. I was looking for help with specific thigns in my life. Help for aspergers. Help with schoool. Help in general. It all started in those rooms. I wish I had known what a difference this program would have in my life years ago. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. But, as I was talking to my aunt a couple nights ago, its okay that my marriage ended. I couldnt say this and mean it a year ago.. but I am grateful that Tim is happy where he is in life. He was such a huge part of my life for so long and no matter what we went through or will still face in the coming months with this appeal, he was my best friend and a genuine person and I know more than almost anyone on this earth how much he deserves to be happy. And for whatever reason ayear ago, whetehr it was jealousy, or still having residual feelings, or even that unbelievably selfish thought of "he shouldnt be happy until/unless I am happy", I could say I am happy for him but I couldnt believe it. And I couldnt admit it. But without even realizing it, I am able to think of him and his new family and smile and truly believe evwerything happens for a reason. If i think of me back then like I often do with people, put myself as I was then back into the situation and have those same feelings, and focus on those feelings. and obsess about those feelings. i can take the person i was and see that that isnt who i am now. So even though I can feel everything old me would feel, i dont have to feel it as new me. If that makes sense. Imean.. because it is sad. and its ok to recognize that. Its ok that the 28 year old me wanted a family with someone so badly and we never had the chance for so many unfair reasons. It is sad. But i am not sad for where I am today. I have grown and learned so much. I'm so incredibly far from perfect and im far from a finished product but I'm so much better than I was. And I think it has to do with what Ive gone through with max and divorce and greiving old plans and ideas of how things should be. I think God tried to tell me over and over in so many ways that making plans is good, but dont set them in stone. dont think i have so much power over plans and my life. Work towards something, but. that I have no real say in it all. The darker it is, the easier it is to see the stars. Okay okay... Anyways... Max has been sober now since April 1st. Yeah, I hate this sobriety date. "April Fools". Probably the scairest sobriety date someone can actually have lol. Anyways.. 2 days until 8 months! 9 months on new years :) Which is a pretty cool 9 month mark. Things havent been butterflies and roses just because he's been sober though. Its been EXTREMELY hard. Sometimes it seems like its worse than when he was using. But. There's progress. We love each other. And all you can do is try. I know a lot of people might hear our story and think i am a moron for bieng with him. But I dont think I'm being stupid or careless. I think the love I've shown him.. and not all the time - I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes, especially in this because its all so new for me but.. I think the grace and love I've had at times has made a difference. I'm not the reason he is sober. But I do believe I played a part in it. And that matters to me. His life matters to me no matter what happens to us. I'm going back to school. I feel like such a loser at 31 and still not having a degree but better late than never I suppose. this is my 4th semester and its not going great. the first 3 were good. i did well in all my classes. But this semester. I've had so much to deal with. Kodi. However wonderful he is, it has been hard. Kodi is my samoyed puppy. He's not a puppy anymore. well, he will be 1 year old on December 8th :) He is so big now. I miss when he was small enough I could pick him up. I miss picking him up like a baby. My little polar bear baby :( But as hard as he can be to handle sometomes with everything going on, its also better to have him... people sometimes ask me if i ever think of getting rid of him. There have been days the lasrt few months that he is my saving grace. That he was the only reason I woke up and got out of bed that day. And he is the reason my sleeping schedule remains consistent and normal. He wakes me up without fail every day at 6 - 7 am ... actually lately he's let us sleep in. but he gets me up, he gets me out by NEEDING to go to the dog park. if he doesnt get to the dog park at least once a day he is a giant ball of energy the rest of the day. It gives me exercise and times to clear my head which wouldnt happen otherwise and I would just sit and stare at my schoolwork, overwhelmed and unproductive. He is so much more than a dog. And when I have meltdowns, especially the times, and theres been more than I'd like to admit the last few months.. when max has decided to break up with me.. and im alone and cannot handle it.. he's there. sitting by me. loving me. licking my tears. smiling at me. lol. my smiley dog. I couldnt have picked a better dog. samoyeds ALWAYS look happy to see you. Always. Well, there's so much more but I think that's good for now. I have so freaking much to do. Homework and I wanted to read tonight from the blue book. i also need to look for a place to live because right now we are staying at a friend of maxs. Too much to explain in an entry and I probably wont get into it anyways but its just been a crazy month. HOpefully as we do what we need to, things will continue to settle down. They already have. We had a good day today. When I love myself, its easier for others to love me also. When I dont let my fears overpower my thoughts, its easier to see the whole picture and live in the moment. When I live in the moment, I find more peace in myself and apprecaition in him. This week I've seen myself clearer, and its scary and hard. And I've also seen him clearer.. and can be more understanding.
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Trial & Error

I felt it was about time for an update to my most beloved little online ghost town. A real update. Well. So much has happened. I got divorced. That's been interesting. Probably mentioned that a while ago but thats where it all started. Even now, its just strange to think of myself as a divorced person. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into when I woke up that morning and told Tim i needed to talk. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had kept my thougths to myself until I figured them out completely. And didnt act on them or worry about them until I fixed myself. Who knows. I know this.. no matter what happens or what is going to happen now.. I dont regret getting married or divorced. I met max. And I'll be honest about it, for most people this relationship is not for them. its not for the faint of heart. That said.. I'm sort of faint of heart. He's an addict. And we've spent a lot of time getting over hurt and lies told in the beginning of our relationship. But as of yesterday he is now 6 months sober of everything. when i first found out i just wanted him to be done with his drug of choice. i didnt care about weed or drinking. i mean i prefered none of it but i was just desparate for him to want to quit that 1 thing. and there was a lot of trying. and trial and error. but he let me take him to treatment 6 months ago. inpatient. and its not a cureall and it doesnt make life magically amazing. but
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Last Night

max and I are staying at a hotel for the week. I'm doing schoolwork and watching dirty dancing. He is sleeping next to me. His hand over his head outstretched on the pillow. I leaned over and put my face in his hand. He pulled it away and turned around. I jsut dont understand. We used to have sex like every day. Today was the first time we had sex in weeks. and its probably only because Ive been making such a fuss about it. that we havent. lasrt night i had a meltdown because i tried to initiate things and he stopped it. that wasnt the first time. and i feel ugly and stupid and isjfadkl. idk. last night i had a series of bad dreams. they werent actually bad at all. thats why though. they dont mean anything. and it doesnt happen a lot. its just weird to happen now. idk why. but i kept dreaming about memories. with tim. like remembering. all night. like if i didnt they would disappear so i let it happen. even though i wasnt really letting anything happen because i didnt choose to dream about it in the first place. but thats what it felt like. some memories would repeat. it was mostly happy memories. and sayings. it should have all been really nice. but it was haunting and i woke up several times in a meltdown. that's been happening now too. Its strange but its happened about 3 times now... waking up in a meltdown. max reaches over and says "baby whats going on.. come here. come hold me." until I do and we fall back asleep. the one memory that repeat the most was this one.. we, tim and I, were having a really goood day. we were joking a lot. and idk why i just remember being really happy. and he came up behind me and told me to lean back and i fell in his arms and he grabbed me under my legs and swung me. and he would do that sort of stuff. and it was so fun. sometimes at night he would lift me in the air with his knees and hold me arms out and move back and forth and i closed my eyes and it felt like i was flying. and i wouldnt feel stupid or silly. even thought he called me a dork for how happy it made me. i know he wasnt judging me. i know he enjoyed it as much as i did. because he got the most pleasure from making me smile. I'm not saying these dreams and memories or whatever makae me want him again. and at the same time im not saying i dont. in a way i will always want him. but not him now. him then. i miss us. but we arent us anymore. im not me and he isnt he. we'll never be us again. and thats ok. but i can grieve it. i think losing brett was preparation for this. i always knew it was preparation for something. thats how life seems to go. hurt on top of hurt. worse every time.
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September

i hate not writting in here. I try to come back at least once every couple months at least. but theres so much going on and so little since its all the same thing over and over and over. just cut and paste. things have been crazy. I just want to get my shit together once and for all. I want a place to live where i feel stable and secure at all times. I want a job. I want to feel READY to move again. And its not just easy as... "Jeni, you need to start putting yourself first" and making decisions that put me first.. because Im only here for Max. If we werent together I would be in california or europe. So I try to make plans for us.. and then something bad happens and it gets put on hold. and then i get scared to make more plans for us. I got arrested at the end of september. I had an autistic episode. there's more to it but thats basically it. it was summer so
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How

i never would. but am i the only person who ever feels like just catfishing people? not to be mean.. just to connect but not as yourself. nothing sexual just whatever. just for friendship. just to disappear into another realm. thats why people love video games. why i did anyways. zone out completely and forget about reality. i hate being me sometimes. lately all the time. how can someone else love you if you dont love yourself. i said such nasty things to him. and that fight is probably our last. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose him. i love him and i know he loves me. he has to. had to. something changed. was it me or him? We havent had sex in a week. i feel so ugly and insecure about it. on the bright side.. if there is one.. all this stress has made me super skinny. i dont know. the only thing to really feel good about anymore is weight and body image. its the only thing i can control somewhat. maybe not overall but i can control if i get fat. and maybe thats why i get so obsessed with what i look like. i have no control over anything. he broke my phone but i also broke his. mine was $600 tho. his is $40. not that it matters. he's broken so many of my things tho. but i do feel bad regardless. its not a contest. sometimes i feel like he thinks it is and he has to always win who hurts who the most. and maybe he feels the same. i dont mean to. i dont want these things to happen. but now i have no way to contact him and it is killing me. i know he has his laptop but he wont respond to my email or fb messages. the emails just my fb messages. but i didnt know if he had access. idk. i tried calling in case maybe he got another phone after i left. he has malcolm toay. overnight. if not i might have stopped by and tried my best to fix this. but he's a wild card. and i didnt want him to be mean and me to freak out about it and it cause a fight while malcolm is there. we are good about not fighting around malcolm. I wish he was around all the time sometimes for that reason. at the same time he uses him as an excuse to put off issues. im so tired. but i wont sleep.
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Good Job

Sooooo.. what do you think it means when you ask your boyfriend if he wants a blow job.. and he says.. a solid "no". Like no me... this is a question for a friend obviously. ha.. ha.. Why pretend that I'm any less pathetic than I am? Wht does it mean... It means he's over it and I'm just too stupid to take the hint. I'll be honest here. I have had a lot of wine and I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks about the fact that my boyfriend is all good in the blow job category. Do you think he already had one today? who turns down a blow job.. He wouldnt even kiss me. Yes... we had a fight earlier. the thing is theres more to this story than meets the eye and no i will not go into it but i will say this... he has an affliction. and i have autism. and the 2 just do not mix sometimes. at all. maybe ever. but fuck it we're trying. i mean i think he is. he had been. maybe he still is. im not entirely sure. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit balls fuck jkdsbfk. sometimes thats all i think. and the rest of the time its childrens songs. lol its weird. is that normal because it seems not so much.. But is that even a thing "no one turns down a blow job" or is that just one of those things people say.. like nno one turns down cheeesecake" but what if you had a late dinner and you're full.. or already HAD cheeesecake.. again with the already cool in the cheesecake department. Where is there a metaphor for him not wanting a blow job that doesnt sound like he's already had one... maybe he's just sad. headache. tired. no. i asked if he was tired and he said no. and i asked if he was bored he shrugged. i said ok.. want a back rub? no. want a blow job... he said he "couldnt hear a fucking thing I was saying"... i regained my composure and asked again... "well. i said.. do you want a blow job?" and he just says no. I'm not the sort of personthats just always going about rndomly giving away blow jobs. obviously. even in a committed relationship.. idk... certain things have to be established to spark my interest. its not a delghtful endeavor but undert he right circumstances.. you know love and all that.. it can be good.. even sexy... even awesome. but overall i find it shrug worthy and i dont typically like it. that being said, i find myself wanting to give him blow jobs more than I'd think I would. its not like we're lacking in the sexual arena. if we go a day without sex i start to wonder whats up.. 2 days and I freak out inside. its been 2 or 3 now and idk. its not right. what happened to those 2 times a day days... we've been fighting all week and its different then most fighting couples because of this affliction and my autism. its different. i try not to take it personally. but its hard. and very time it wears me down. but Im trying. maybe thats the problem. im getting side tracked. even when we fough before we would still have sex almost every day. but now.. its like i feel strange even asking... and now i have a reason why. before ithought i twas all in my head. but no. the other day after one of these fights he said he was sorry and stuff and i did too and he told me that he destroys everything beautiful. he said he turns beautiful things ugly. i mean i get that.. i felt that bfore but... does he mean he doesnt think Im beauiful anymore? Is he not attracted to me..? I've been self conciuosly lately but if I'm really honest with myself... Im not gross. I mean... Id say Im cute. I wouldnt say hot or gorgeous like he always says.. not so much lately like the last few days but he's always saying im s jsbudfd. idk. Maybe I'm too much. Maybe sometimes guys just dont want a blow job. But the problem is is that we JUST had that conversation... last week maybe a little more than that I was like super bored and wanted to have sex but he was sleeping so I was htinking about waking him up.. like.. with a blowjob. I thought.. what guy wouldnt like that?? But i ultimately decided against it. When e woke up we were talking and it came up somehow.. Im paraphrasing but he said "really?" I said "yeah... but I wasnt sure how you'd react" and he kinda luahged or thought i was weird and asked what guy wouldnt like that? and i mentioned how sometimes he's a bit [read: very] grumpy whn he wakes up. he said "thats different". i said I figured it would be but still unsure because a looong time ago there was a similar situation where we were talking while he was at work and idk how it came up but he told me that watching me touch myself was hot te last time we had sex. well obviously... its not like i didnt know that but the fact that he said it to me out loud made me want to o it again for him like immediately.. well lets just say it didnt go according to plan. i dont even want to talk about it. lol its not terrible. it was just embarrassing. ah fuck it. we fiished having sex but i was still going strong but it was still the beginning of our relationship at that point and i didnt know how to say such things.. i mean i finished but so what i wanted to again maybe 3 more times idk man. Soo Im laying there and decided screw this.. i'll just go to town.. if he is too tired he can sleep BUT if he wakes up... pleasant surprise.. joins in... 2 happy people.. not quite. he thought i was trying to be sneaky. lol. well if i didnt want him to know i wouldnt be rubbing up against his side... i'd go like to the living room and do it or just go to sleep. i have an off switch.. Im not a bloody animal. i just didnt feel like turning it off. Anyways it was dumb. So it made the whole waking him up with a blow job thing confusing. So he said he would be into it. He said he couldnt imagine not being into it.. unless maybe he was "completely exhausted and hadnt slept in days" or something and then in that case he might not respond welll. Which is why i turned andasked if he was sleeping. no. tired? no. etc. idk.
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Squishy ice cubes

When I'm depressed Im pulled to the ground. Literally. All i want to do is lay on the floor. Sleeping on a bed seems impossible. When i think about it I get this weird feeling like.. God i can't describe it.. but it's almost like it feels "too hopeful" and i know everything is hopeless. I'm fine though. I mean considering everything I'm doing grest I'd say. Maybe. I'm here. I'm not currently moving forward but I'm looking in a forward like direction. I'm definitely thinking forward thoughts. It's just thst i get so sucked into myself and my thoughts and my situations and it becomes the focus of every dsy instead of changing the situation. I have been trying tho. Working on projects. Attempting things at least. Divorce is so dibilitating. Not just in the ways you'd think but it has the power to make you so hopeless about such mundane things. And serious things. And new relationships. Amd the whole concept of "forever" actually meaning anything. And how lessons are always learned after the fact. Ivery been eating my feelings. Usually I am the opposite and have no appetite but recently I'm really hungry all the time. Mini blueberry muffins and chocolate.. the answer to every problem. Ok not really. I'm going to just finish the bin and never eat them again. Running helps.. I should get back into that. Going to buy a ticket to go to max. If thst doesn't work out I will get my car and road trip it to california.. sell it... and then go to europe indefinitely. Freaking election is a joke aanyways. But i do love my car.... idk. I wrote tim a long message on whatsapp. We've been friends but after the last 2 weeks.. it's too much. I didn't know what else to do. I m need to pack. I need to sleep
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Hours

I'll never understand depression or at least the way my body always tries to handle it. Its like my true self is so joyful and just plain happy but I'm prone to depression so its like a constant tug of war. back and forth. sometimes i feel like I'm bipolar. But I've known people with it and I dont think so. Also heard aspergers can present as lots of things including bipolar so that makes sense. our cheery natural disposition and magnetic pull towards depression can come off that way sometimes but i dont feel its as rapid, I'm not manic, and i dont feel that the rage is as irrational. others may disagree during certain times of the month if you know what i mean. My face is constantly puffy lately. i always see these ladies with sunken eyes and sort of poofy, droopy bags that puff against the tops of their cheeks forming a crease and i wonder how it got that way.. tiredness? a night of sleep wouldnt help some of tese women. its not those kind of bags. it looks like years of crying and hopelessness. not just women. maybe i just notice it more in women because lately i've been looking more at faces and noticing that women arent all as perfect as iusually think they are. a while ago i noticed i never look closely at anyones face. lately i started seeing who wears makeup and who doesnt.. where before it was all a blur. people i consder naturally beautiful because my eye glaze over them and then i see the powdery matteness against their skin and wonder whats underneath. theyre still beautiful but now i see them as humans with flaws like me instead of 'women' and I'm just a 'thing'. I'm going to be 30 in like 5 months. i dont know what to think about it. I have a list of things i wanted done and accomplished by 30. and i dont think any are even close. 3 kids by 30 was one. lol what a joke. first of all now i dont want 3 kids. id be happy with 1 or 2. but even 1 by 30.. not happening. I mean its possible but not likely or smart right now. Not the time. Never is or seems to be. So much happened in the last month. In the last 3, 6, year, 2 years. its like i think things are crazy but settling down and then they get together and have little crazy babies. But this last 2 weeks has definitely been the most crazy I wouldnt even know where to start. I have so much to say but if I start I'll write about things for hours instead of getting things done. I want to have something worth writing about someday...
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