I'm feeling all messed up inside again. It's provoked by the news that my cousin, who is 19 and a good friend, is getting married on Saturday. It's incredible how much I want to be in her place right now. And thoughts were running through my head like "Why isn't that me?" "I deserve it more than she does". But I wouldn't begrudge her happiness and love and everything. Never. I would sacrafice my happiness for hers. But I can't stop thinking about how she is my baby cousin. We're only 11 months apart but I always thought of her as a little sister and I love her so much and she just met this guy. And that's not even the point. She will be okay because that's who she is. I'm jealous and I hate it. I want to reach out to somebody, anybody but I can't. I don't know why. I'm so insecure and self-absorbed and more than a little shy. People who've known me for five years have no idea who I am. I'm happy just to smile and nod and do whatever they expect. And if people I knew in real life read my diary they'd be surprised that I'm like this. I can't deny it. I'm terrified that I'll turn into my mother. And she was a wonderful human being. Intelligent, well-read, caring, loving, everything. But she made so many mistakes in her life, one after another until she died because she held everything inside. And it all started when she was my age. I'm at a point now where I could go one way or the other. Long life or early death. Chose. Now. And all this came out of me when I heard about her wedding. I need someone to protect me from the world and myself. I need someone to say to me everyday that I'm loved. I need that so much. I've been exetremely sick for nine days. Like so bad I couldn't eat for five straight days. I just laid in my room and occasionally my family would call and act like I was overreacting and I needed someone. I am not self-sufficient. I wasn't raised to be. And that's an excuse but it's true. I've never had to do anything for myself. And I don't know how to now. I wish I'd meet a forty-something gentleman with a large bank account. And I understand that I'd be substituting him for the father figure I always wanted but that's okay. Girls do it everyday. I'm tired of being alone. Exhausted.