I don't even know what I just did. I look at myself, and I see a monster. I see a puffed up face, I see tiny wet eyes. And I look at him and all he is is beautfiul. All I am is a liar, a monster. I'm not worth it. I'm a liar, but everything I said tonight was so real and true and all I want him to see is that it isn't his fault. It's all me. I am all of the bad things, I am all of the things that can't be fixed, I'm the one who brought them on to begin with. From the beginning, I messed up. And all he did was love me. I could do everything terrible and all he would do is just love. I'm an idiot, I'm a monster. You hear and see things and all you think about life is beauty. You escape the reality of it all. You hear a song and you picture the most beautiful things. I feel like the biggest generic reality. I feel like the one thing that doesn't matter. I just want him to see that he is perfect, it is not him. I can't explain how I feel. I don't want anything greater for me, I don't want to be with someone else, I don't want to go out and have the time of my life, damaging myself. I just want to go home everyday, I just want to sleep, and sit here. I don't want to tell anyone about this, I don't need to talk to any of them. They couldn't understand, and they couldn't understand because of me. Because my stupid mouth ruined everything. I've molded the way I've felt into words. I hate the opinions I can put into people brains because of my stupid molded words. I'm the opposite of everything beautiful I think about. I love him, I want him to be happy. I want him to be with the best person in the world. I want him to laugh and to talk and to escape me. To escape what I bring, the cliches and the gossip and the ignorance, the sarcasm. Everything. I love him so much, and I just want him to see how beautiful and perfect he is. How he deserves so much, how he deserves to be so happy. And I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish that I felt like I made him happy, I wish I felt like we could be together and be happy and fine and perfect. But look at me, that's so impossible. I want to be able to be held in his precious arms and to feel like someone loves me, for him to be there. The only one who's there. I don't know what I did. I don't know if I'm wrong, or if I'm right. I just want him to believe that he did nothing wrong, ever. That he is perfect and golden and lovely, that it is truly, just me. I don't want other people to talk, I just want this to be me and him, always. Look what I did to start, I brought other people into it and I ruined everything. The one thing I know is that I'm so scared about what's supposed to be and what isn't. And so far I have learned that everything seems worse than it is, but right now, I can't imagine it getting any better. I just love him, and I want him to be happy and perfect.

i am so happy i got the password for this. thanks to scott for the password resetter. i've been okay. i've been with jeff, like really..dating jeff. it's been pretty nice. we've been arguing some lately. i've been talking to justin b, normally. i talk to jason, i would be lost without him. he's such a good friend and help. I've been ordering a lot of books lately, I've been hanging out with Paula. It's nice. I stopped eating meat. I got started on birth control, because I have a cyst on my ovary. It could be a benign tumor. But I'm scared I'm going to gain weight. I've been thinking that I'm fat lately. Silly, I know. Oh, I am so thrilled I have this again. It's 9:39pm, I'll write later.

Kirby moved to Austin Allison might move to Louisiana my plans for Texas got fucked up

the other day Lulu IMed me the other day I called Justin and hung up once I heard him talk the other day Justin sent me a message the other day Justin and I talked today Justin told me he can't talk to me Lulu is getting upset now I'm upset... I don't know why I mean, this person made me miserable but it felt so good and right to talk to him and now he's the one dropping me because of her she talked to me saying these mean things putting together being in love and wasting time I still don't know what I want.

saturday i went to see saw II it was really good and fucked up seriously. i was in shock after it i went with hannah and merit it was a pain in the ass to get in we just had merit's mom watch it with us i owe her 8 dollars. then my dad picked me up and he took me to my moms to have me get my stuff and i went back to hannahs to sleepover see, i was supposed to go to jeff's house sunday but he called me and told me that he didn't want to see me then i went to my grandma's and went shopping then saw II and hannah's then he re-invited me but I couldn't now because I already had made other plans then at Hannah's...he called me and told me that he doesn't want to be with me that he just wants to be friends with me and he acted totally fine then i went to do my make-up and on the compute he was telling hannah how he likes lindsay when he knew i was right there it was shitty. i shouldn't care, it was my choice all i know is i cannot wait to go to texas i get to hang out with kirby and allison and jason♥ it's just going to be good i miss texas. a couple more weeks... i need to do homework. courtney is supposed to be staying with me this weekend i haven't seen her in two years but she needs a ride home back to buffalo

okay i went to aimee's last night. got drunk, greg picked me up. hung out with him. i love greg. my sister got really sick...i felt bad. i haven't had liquor since last school year i kind of regret it. today i'm supposed to see saw II. tomorrow i'm supposed to go to jeff's house. i hope it isn't a repeat of last sunday. that was really bad...and last night i thought of the same thing i did on sunday when i was with greg. there's something wrong. bye.

the cycle is starting again. i'm starting to feel worse and worse. i finally washed my hair. i need to go shopping. i need a backbone. my best friend and i got in our first argument ever today. i guess it started in school when she mentioned something about mandy and mr. moro. i kind of yelled at her because she switches back and forth on wether or not he's innocent. right now she's saying he's innocent. i just feel awful for mandy, because everyone hates her because she told someone what happened. the same thing happened to me except less people are involved... i'm the same as her except everyone cares less and i'm more believable. whenever shawna or rachael says that mandy's lying i tell them i made the whole tom thing up. they just ask me why i'd make that up and i'll say, "exactly, that's my point...why would anyone." no one gets it. and i'm aware she could very much be lying, but i think if i had to choose i would choose mr. moro to be guilty. it's believable, really. so i mean, shawna and i were over that but when i got home i started talking about jeff. about how he's upset again. i knew after i went over there sunday he'd just be upset again... she started yelling at me, telling me it's my fault. i tried saying no to him sunday, i really did. but he got upset, so i just went with it. if i act affectionate towards him he gets upset, if i don't act affectionate towards him he gets upset. it just upset me because shawna was yelling at me like she's never done anything bad with a guy. she's cheated on 95% of her boyfriends. i don't get it. i really don't. she just completely went off like i'm always unreasonable. i don't know. i know she was right about a lot of things. i just can't fix them so easily. jeff's kind of mad at me and it's making me upset. i can't believe what happened sunday happened. i kept on asking to get dressed and he kept on saying okay but he wouldn't let me. i kind of just wouldn't look at him, i didn't feel uncomfortable with myself... i just kept thinking about my step-dad. i nearly started crying. i didn't want that to affect me. i'm going to texas in less than a month. i can't wait to meet kirby and allison. i can't wait to see jason, chris, and emilia again. such a relief. except jeff's going to hate me when i'm there, and he's going to hate me when i get back. i don't know what to do. hannah's halloween party is saturday. i should make her parents a cake. i feel awful for what i did. i don't want them to hate me. still, where is my backbone? i used to mean that as in where's that someone for me to lean against and hold me up, now i just mean it as in, i need to find the strength to do what's right.

my dad needs to actually find a house in baldwinsville so i can move in with him. my mom is seirously being insane. Witty Boy Jeffff: Ampersand116: what's going on? bumberrshoot: basically she started talking about texas and then that led to my dad which she does all the time and calls him a loser and a failure and how everyone hates him because he thinks hes always right and oh ahahha get this HE HAS HIS OWN WAY OF THINKING AND HE HAS HIS OWN OPINIONS, yeah, she said that bumberrshoot: and she said she turns people off bumberrshoot: and i was lik bumberrshoot: ei turn people off bumberrshoot: and shes like bumberrshoot: DONT BE LIKE YOUR FATHER bumberrshoot: he doesnt support you bumberrshoot: etc etc bumberrshoot: and im like Ampersand116: you're not like anyone. you're you. bumberrshoot: funny mom how you're saying this when i'm living with a pervert bumberrshoot: and shes like bumberrshoot: your dads a pervert bumberrshoot: and i just screamed i was like mom stop you are seriously so disrespectful for doing this to me bumberrshoot: and shes like Ampersand116: :-[ bumberrshoot: hes disrespectful to you because he doesnt do shit for you bumberrshoot: then like bumberrshoot: i just walk upstairs bumberrshoot: and then she came up bumberrshoot: and shes like Ampersand116: why does she go on like that? jesus. bumberrshoot: talking about something bumberrshoot: and shes like bumberrshoot: come downstairs to finisjh dinner bumberrshoot: and im like no you ruined any desire i had for the niht to do that sorry bumberrshoot: and then we got talking about brandon bumberrshoot: somehow bumberrshoot: she said something and im like bumberrshoot: oh yeah well look what you did for brandon good job he doesnt talk to you Ampersand116: :-[ bumberrshoot: and shes like your father even admitted to lying to brandon saying "oh i shouldnt have said that" im like mom seriously you told him shit like you were going to give him up for adoption and you've said awful things to me i can see where bradons coming from hes told me what you've said before bumberrshoot: then shes like i tried jdaskljdsa i tried bumberrshoot: and thne goes downstair bumberrshoot: s bumberrshoot: seriously she talks shit about my dad all the time and i have to tell her how wrong it is bumberrshoot: like Ampersand116: it's really not fair at all bumberrshoot: yeah okay maybe my dad didnt do great work at his jobs but hes changed bumberrshoot: like i hate how people dont understand that people change bumberrshoot: nd then i was like bumberrshoot: oh and way to tell me that he just got laid off and we had to sell our boat he told me he had a choice and explained it to me bumberrshoot: and shes like bumberrshoot: HES LYING TO YOU bumberrshoot: ahaha bumberrshoot: she was just like come down we need to finish fixing dinner bumberrshoot: and i was like bumberrshoot: cant you fix it yourself and then i can eat it bumberrshoot: now shes fucking mad at me are you joking bumberrshoot: shes insane Ampersand116: ahaha, sassy bumberrshoot: she should probably consider getting drunk Ampersand116: shauna :-[ bumberrshoot is away at 8:24:20 PM. Ampersand116: and then i'll need to figure out a way to get your good mood back. Ampersand116: which will probably involve more hugs and figuring out a way to get your parents to stop hating at each other all the time. Ampersand116: gahh. ily. bumberrshoot returned at 8:41:41 PM. bumberrshoot: okay Ampersand116: hi :- bumberrshoot: i just was like bumberrshoot: yeah well tom saves all of my conversations and shes like bumberrshoot: i do that Ampersand116: oh no bumberrshoot: after that conversation wtih justin i do bumberrshoot: obviously she doesnt bumberrshoot: i would have been grounded by now. bumberrshoot: shes like Ampersand116: oh definitely bumberrshoot: yeah so want to liten to that tape bumberrshoot: people are going to disrespect you bumberrshoot: im like no i dont want to listen to that tape bumberrshoot: (oh p.s. i snipped it so its ruined) bumberrshoot: ahaha bumberrshoot: yeah Ampersand116: ahaha. awh. Ampersand116: :-) bumberrshoot: what Ampersand116: that you snipped it bumberrshoot: seriously my dad should consider moving in baldwinsville so i can move in with himn bumberrshoot: im not even joking. Ampersand116: i know :-(

he smells like summertime.

october 23, 2005 my birthday is one month from today

okay, i'm back. i'll just make my diary friends only so jeffers can't read it. i feel so violated, i know it's dumb, but he found my diary the day I made it and read everything. I didn't want anyone I knew to read it yet. boo. so, i have a huge procrastination problem. It's causing me to get stressed out in school. I have no motivation to do or fix any of this. The only good thing that has happened is i just got my sandals from urban outfitters in the mail and i love them ^__^ ... i think i just need some new clothes. and i want to learn how to sew. yep. i cannot wait until i go back to texas. christ. it's my birthday present. however, i don't get any spending money which sucks since i wanted to go to urban outfitters and some vintage shops. I'm going down the 22nd on november and my birthday is the 23rd. i'm staying for a week and it's going to be such a vacation. i get to see jason who i miss a ton. I just need to concentrate on something. i should probably ask someone to break my computer, it takes up too much of my time. tonight i'm going to another football game where i don't watch football. i just am there, by myself usually. if i had some chronic i would hit that shit. but i don't. and i want to stop that. where is my backbone?

everything that's good either gets taken away or i push it way. i still think about my best friend sometimes. i'd spin around on a tire at his house until i couldn't see straight and we never could figure out why we weren't aloud to have sleepovers. i looked for his name in a yellow book, but he was lost with the others. i can't remember the day he moved away, but i can remember what i bought at his family's last garage sale.