I don't even know what I just did. I look at myself, and I see a monster. I see a puffed up face, I see tiny wet eyes. And I look at him and all he is is beautfiul. All I am is a liar, a monster. I'm not worth it. I'm a liar, but everything I said tonight was so real and true and all I want him to see is that it isn't his fault. It's all me. I am all of the bad things, I am all of the things that can't be fixed, I'm the one who brought them on to begin with. From the beginning, I messed up. And all he did was love me. I could do everything terrible and all he would do is just love. I'm an idiot, I'm a monster. You hear and see things and all you think about life is beauty. You escape the reality of it all. You hear a song and you picture the most beautiful things. I feel like the biggest generic reality. I feel like the one thing that doesn't matter. I just want him to see that he is perfect, it is not him. I can't explain how I feel. I don't want anything greater for me, I don't want to be with someone else, I don't want to go out and have the time of my life, damaging myself. I just want to go home everyday, I just want to sleep, and sit here. I don't want to tell anyone about this, I don't need to talk to any of them. They couldn't understand, and they couldn't understand because of me. Because my stupid mouth ruined everything. I've molded the way I've felt into words. I hate the opinions I can put into people brains because of my stupid molded words. I'm the opposite of everything beautiful I think about. I love him, I want him to be happy. I want him to be with the best person in the world. I want him to laugh and to talk and to escape me. To escape what I bring, the cliches and the gossip and the ignorance, the sarcasm. Everything. I love him so much, and I just want him to see how beautiful and perfect he is. How he deserves so much, how he deserves to be so happy. And I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish that I felt like I made him happy, I wish I felt like we could be together and be happy and fine and perfect. But look at me, that's so impossible. I want to be able to be held in his precious arms and to feel like someone loves me, for him to be there. The only one who's there. I don't know what I did. I don't know if I'm wrong, or if I'm right. I just want him to believe that he did nothing wrong, ever. That he is perfect and golden and lovely, that it is truly, just me. I don't want other people to talk, I just want this to be me and him, always. Look what I did to start, I brought other people into it and I ruined everything. The one thing I know is that I'm so scared about what's supposed to be and what isn't. And so far I have learned that everything seems worse than it is, but right now, I can't imagine it getting any better. I just love him, and I want him to be happy and perfect.