the cycle is starting again. i'm starting to feel worse and worse. i finally washed my hair. i need to go shopping. i need a backbone. my best friend and i got in our first argument ever today. i guess it started in school when she mentioned something about mandy and mr. moro. i kind of yelled at her because she switches back and forth on wether or not he's innocent. right now she's saying he's innocent. i just feel awful for mandy, because everyone hates her because she told someone what happened. the same thing happened to me except less people are involved... i'm the same as her except everyone cares less and i'm more believable. whenever shawna or rachael says that mandy's lying i tell them i made the whole tom thing up. they just ask me why i'd make that up and i'll say, "exactly, that's my point...why would anyone." no one gets it. and i'm aware she could very much be lying, but i think if i had to choose i would choose mr. moro to be guilty. it's believable, really. so i mean, shawna and i were over that but when i got home i started talking about jeff. about how he's upset again. i knew after i went over there sunday he'd just be upset again... she started yelling at me, telling me it's my fault. i tried saying no to him sunday, i really did. but he got upset, so i just went with it. if i act affectionate towards him he gets upset, if i don't act affectionate towards him he gets upset. it just upset me because shawna was yelling at me like she's never done anything bad with a guy. she's cheated on 95% of her boyfriends. i don't get it. i really don't. she just completely went off like i'm always unreasonable. i don't know. i know she was right about a lot of things. i just can't fix them so easily. jeff's kind of mad at me and it's making me upset. i can't believe what happened sunday happened. i kept on asking to get dressed and he kept on saying okay but he wouldn't let me. i kind of just wouldn't look at him, i didn't feel uncomfortable with myself... i just kept thinking about my step-dad. i nearly started crying. i didn't want that to affect me. i'm going to texas in less than a month. i can't wait to meet kirby and allison. i can't wait to see jason, chris, and emilia again. such a relief. except jeff's going to hate me when i'm there, and he's going to hate me when i get back. i don't know what to do. hannah's halloween party is saturday. i should make her parents a cake. i feel awful for what i did. i don't want them to hate me. still, where is my backbone? i used to mean that as in where's that someone for me to lean against and hold me up, now i just mean it as in, i need to find the strength to do what's right.