go ahead, ask me everything you have ever wanted to know about anything. ill answer. cause i need things to say. you know the thing that takes up most of our time, is trying to figure out other people.

i just want to delete all the bad memories in my life. but i have a feeling that would be selfish. i think you need to make good memories to cancel out the bad ones.

you think everything changes, but nothing really changes at all. everyone split up this last year.. and you think you'll never be friends with these people again, but seeing my friends this thanksgiving weekend gave me the best feeling in the world. i really did miss them. i just didnt realize it. maybe i can start beng a good friend. im really sick of being alone, and being told what to do, and who to hang out with by someone who has stopped acting in love with me anyways.

so i thought turning 18 would be a step up in my life. but its not. i feel like im back to summer. its terrible. my mom hates me. im serious. i just want to get out. so if anyone has a room for rent let me know. ha.

11/19 finally legal. i think it's a bigger deal to me since i'm the last one EVER to turn 18. but it doesnt matter. im excited. it will be a good birthday.

i miss my sit diary. i miss my friends. or having friends. i feel lonely, and terrible, and unwanted. i feel like a bad friend. maybe this just happens when people go away. you lose touch. and maybe i should get over that. but i would rather write letters than have no where to go when i dont want to be home. you know? the thing i hate about friends is that they are not consistant. and its too hard to lose them. with every friend that goes, a part of me goes with them. they may not feel that, and they may not care. but i want all of them to know i cared. i really really did. i was never a fake friend and i never told anyone i cared when i didnt. people change your life, and everyone is in your life for a reason, but what is the reason that no one keeps friends for very long? is it cause i've moved every five years and try not to get attached to people? is it because im tired of getting hurt, or talked about, or back stabbed? could be anything. i just want someone to be there. and someone i know will be there. someone i can run to or call whenever i need them there. i want to be there. i want to be the person someone can run to, or talk to. i want to be selfless people make bad choices, and people judge. but when you finally make good choices, your friends should still be there. and when they're not.. well, there's not much you can do about it but wait for the next group of friends to come along. i'm overwhelmed and i have so much to say about everything and no one to tell it to. i hate waking up every morning to be alone.

i remember when sit diary was fucking awesome and we couldnt wait to read everyone's entries. people are too busy in their own worlds to care about an online journal. but i like having a place to vent. even though im sick of venting. cause its all about the same thing. and i dont think theres much more to say about him/it. and everyones tired of listening.. i dont blame them, i would be too. but, overall, i had a good weekend. i like friends, i like meeting new people and having a good time being social, sober and healthy. i like being me right now.

ah. i hate my life. that's all.

ugh is right. i hate making decisions.

i have lost 20 lbs since this time last year. seems crazy, i know. it's kind of sad. all girls want to be skinny. but dont get skinny the way i did. eat eat eat

my life has changed dramatically this summer. wow. just looking at last year.. i feel like a different person. i'm a senior. and i know that's not exciting to all of you that graduated, but you all were excited one year ago. ha. i got sleeping pills the other day. some might say they are "hardcore." lol. well i took my first one last night and i was out like a light. haha not really. i walked downstairs, asked me dad to make me chili, ate it. dont remember eating it. stumbled upstairs and threw it up and went to sleep. it was quite an experience. hah. im obsessed with the new fall out boy cd. i want to give up on him. i dont want to hurt everytime i see/hear him flirting with other girls. i dont want to care. i want to move on. and this sucks. well, i have to go to the dentist now. :-P i miss my friends, so call me. i need to get out and take my mind off things. i wish it was halloween so i could go to knotts scary farm. thats my favorite time of year. :) love, me.

everything is new. new year. new car. new phone. old friends. school is... lonely. i feel like i did freshman year. im glad i have sharla. although i think she feels bad with me cause we hang out at lunch when she can go home. haha. thank you sharla. i never see jose or alek. classes are easy. anyways, im excited to see the exorcism of emily rose! that looks good. no one wants to go with me. :( wimps. umm i think thats all i have to say. i wish i got better grades so i could go away to school. that sounds wonderful to me at the moment. i love sleeping pills. goodbye.

yay for san diego. i liked it there.

la la la. god help me.

BLAHHHHH! that's all i have to say.

you'll repeat her name when you kiss someone else. and they'll look at you and you'll imagine her. when you're in the bathroom with someone else. and during the day. you'll think of her when you make your bed. and take your shower. and during the day she'll be everyone else. i'm gone. you're gone. and we're done. i have realized so much in the past week about everything. what's worth it - what's not. who's worth it - who's not. who's important to me. how much people mean to me that i have never realized. how things never turn out the way you think they will. how people never change. things won't change either. he will always be the same. and it's not my fault, but he can find someone else that can handle it better than i can. and i have easily found someone who would be wonderful. "i swear, i'd burn the city down just to show you the light" i feel like im moving much faster than i should. that i should already be done with school, and be moved out on my own. but im being held back. ugh. so many things have happened to me this summer that has changed my life forever. this summer will be one i remember, definitly. i'm finally having fun. meeting people. having friends. going out. enjoying life. its just a matter of time, i guess..

i have a lot to say. but not right now.

i think i gace up a long time ago and im just digging myself intp a deeper hole.

Somewhere there's a stolen halo I use to watch her wear it well Everything would shine wherever she would go But looking at her now you'd never tell Someone ran away with her innocence A memory she can't get out of her head I can only imagine what she's feeling When she's praying Kneeling at the edge of her bed And she says take me away And take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me like holy water Holy water She wants someone to call her angel Someone to put the light back in her eyes She's looking through the faces The unfamiliar places She needs someone to hear her when she cries And she says take me away And take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me like holy water Holy water She just needs a little help To wash away the pain she's felt She wants to feel the healing hands Of someone who understands And she says take me away And take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me And she says take me away And take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me like holy water Holy water

i can't wait to get out of here.