Sunday

23 May 2010

1:00 am

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? I'm a Senior, and I'm graduating next month! You must be extremely excited for me. I'm not. I hate letting you down this way, my lack of enthusiasm must be killing you. They say you get "senioritis" around this time of year, but I haven't felt a single symptom of this peculiar inflammation of excitement. OK enough of my senseless rambling, I have some important information that I would like to share with you.

***

Yesterday, I went on a field trip with my Marine Ecology class. In case you didn't know, I changed my courses last semester from having Creative Writing Fiction I to Marine Ecology. I love writing, and reading writings from other people, but my teacher decided he was going to design the class the way he wanted to. He took out all of the good stuff about Creative Writing class (there was no poetry, Journaling, or non-fictional story writing). It was ALL about fiction (to fuel his love for imaginary creatures I would imagine). So I had to leave that class fast!

Marine Ecology is another one of my interests>>It's the study of animals and organisms in the ocean. I As you know, I'm an animal lover so this was the next best choice for me. Ironically, we ended up dissecting poor little sea creatures such as, Squid, Crayfish, fish, and (OK, not a sea creature) Worms. Gross.

Anyway, my Marine Ecology class went on a field trip and traveled to the aquarium (long 2-1/2 hour drive there and back!!). After exploring and looking at the unique and amazing creatures, we drove to the beach and had lunch. I was too lazy to pack a lunch that morning, so I had a nice 2 oz. bag of SunChips to satisfy me while at the aquarium. The entire time while we unintentionally tanned and bronzed in the sun, I dug a deep whole in the sand. (I have a strange obsession with digging extremely deep holes on sandy beaches). It felt wonderful to be able to feel the cool breeze of wind travelling along with the roaring waves of the ocean. The sun shone so bright, and the sky was lightly cushioned with fluffy, shapeless marshmallows of precipitation. All I needed was a sleeping-bag, and everything would have been perfect.

***

When we returned to school, I had to get permission (from my aunt) to take the 10 minute walk to my aunts house. I'm 17! When I got there I called the man that I unfortunately have to recognize as my father. I asked him to pick me up, and he hesitated to say 'yes,' but then he eventually gave in and showed up. When I got in the car, I asked him a question that has been bothering quite a bit lately.

"Are you unable to afford to pay for me to take the SAT? or is it just that you don't feel like paying for it?" I asked.

This started another one of his 'blow-up-in-your-face 'explanations.' He brought up everything that he had apparently been holding in for some time. He told me to shut up countless times as I tried to defend myself against his lies...(misunderstandings?) I would go into detail, but can I just say that he has completely lost his mind? He quotes that "I am the reason for his stress." And that he hopes he doesn't die because of it.

His wife (who steals from me, lies, and does endless evil things to me, but easily covers it up) is hurt because I will not speak to her. ( OK so I speak when necessary or when she speaks to me). But that is not good enough because he wants me to treat her as though she is my mother (in other words he wants me to tell her all of my business, so that she can run back and tell him + the world). He knows as I have told him many times, that I want nothing to do with her. Now here's the crazy part, he claims that I'm putting myself at risk of going to hell because I don't love his wife. It's also a sin that I do not conversate with her about my daily life unless asked. Also, sarcasm (which helped me get through this conversation and remain sane) is a sin.

He told me that I am very demanding when I ask for things (despite the fact that I DO NOT ask for anything other than like he said, information) from him and his wife. Just over 2 months ago, he was supportive of my decision to go to a four-year college, instead of doing the whole community college for 2 years first. But, he put it all on my to fill out all forms ( never mind the fact that I'm only 17, so he has to sign the majority of the forms and applications). He also said that I am an adult now, so iI have to handle all of this.

Let me just say, that everything he told me last time was almost completely regurgitated backwards to me yesterday. Now that I'm trying to take care of myself by searching for jobs, and asking for him for only his signature, I am now I child who cannot care for herself because I can not afford to.
The whole situation is crazy and confusing.

Man I can't leave without telling you that he threatened to spit in my face, because I continued to talk. Do you know how I got through this insane "explanation"? I just agreed with everything last thing he said. Oh and you know it pissed him off. He was looking for a challenge (because he wins every argument, despite being wrong 90% of the time) and I did not challenge him at all. "uh-huh, yeah, that's true, I understand, yes, you're right." That's exactly what I did, and eventually he shut his damned mouth.

But me being overly emotional at the same time, ended up crying. He loves it when women cry, it makes him feel empowered and as though he has won. I'm sure he didn't feel that way in this case, because I let him know that he didn't win, and that I'm only going to agree with him until its over.

As for answering my question, no he can not afford it. I'm not ashamed, I'll let you know right now, that I don't care about the mistakes he made in life (like refusing to continue in the nursing field). Now he's poor, and can barely afford to provide for his large family of 7. Hey, it's time for me to move and start my own life. I refuse make his mistakes or live with him for another year. So my goal by the end of 2010, is to be able to provide for myself, so that I may be able to start living MY life.

[20]Cry Me a River