Old Journal Entries
2/22/08
Before It's too Late
"I hate me. I hate me ! I hate me !! I hate me !!!"
"I'm at a point in my life where all I can do is hate myself. I wish I could kill myself and then return, morphed into a totally different person. This person would be smart, but cool, have a better since of style, a lot of friends, and definitely NOT quiet. I would come back to life as new me -the person I want to be. I want to be skinny, but attractive. I want new clothes, more friends, - or least some friends. People try to get close to me, but I block them out and I'm not sure why. I just want to sleep . . . sleep away all of the pain and discomfort that I'm feeling. I find myslef afraid to approach people . . . to talk to them. I think I know why too : It's because every time I want to talk to someone I second guess my self. I think 'What if they don't talk to me? Look at what I'm wearing' I stare at their clothes and wish I could dress like them. I feel a like a loser. I don't eat inside of the cafeteria because everyone is staring at me. I sit alone. All I can do is cry and hope that someday i'll change. Before high school ends. . .I want to enjoy high school. Sometimes i feel like I'm in a rush to grow up, but when I look at the older people around me, growing old frightens me. I feel as though I'm trapped in a box and I can't breathe. . .I'm stuck. I need help. Help ME ! Somebody. . .Before it's too late. "
**
3/30/08
"So things have not really changed much since the last time that I wrote to you. I'm currently working on my appearance. I compare the my pictures from 2007 - the beginning of the school year. and have noticed that I was slimmer then compared to my more recent photographs. That's good, because at least now I know that I'm not crazy and that I am gaining some weight. To me, gaining weight = a nightmare. I don't want to be this quiet, fat, and unattractive girl. Interestingly, I do find myself pretty attractive -so that's not one of my self esteem issues. Life is way too short for me to have to worry about about these insignificant things, but it is also too short for me to be unahppy with myself. Life I said before, hopefully things will change for the better.
I have discovered something new about myself, not only do I love reading poetry, I enjoy writing it as well. I thought that I did not inherent that talent from my parents. Guess I thought wrong. I can draw, and I can write. I wonder what else I'll discover about myself. There is so much to learn in so little time. Also, there is so much that I could write but I have decided this journal is about MY life, who cares about the other bitches that I live with ? Not me, and I'm not wasting time MY time writing shit about them, because beleive me. . .nothing good come out of my mind or mouth.
Did you know? I'm poor according to the government. Sometimes, I feel poor, but most of the time I don't. I thank God for what he has allowed me to have : shelter over my head, and food. Also, two brothers and a sister. Money doesn't mean much. It's just a sheet of green paper (now with added colors). I hate America, and I hate technology. Oh my God, I hate technology! It makes us so damn lazy. I mean, why the hell do they think Americans are so freaking obese? Well, first of all, we sit on out butts and play videogames and use the internet, iPods, Mp3's, dishwashers, etc. When I was little, my cousins and I were always outside (by choice). We would pretend that we were older...you know, mom and dad. Well, in this case, Ummi and Abi. We would go to eachothers appartments and play with our Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. I sort of collected them at one point. I had a pretend washing machine and dryer set, and also a little kitchen with makeshift food and everything. I would give anything to return to my innocent childhood. I miss being 7 years old. 'haha' my cousin and I used to talk about how old we had to be to get piercings. Now look at us, we'll be 16 years old later on this year. Life and time can not compete, they are both equal in speed - super fast.
Things for us all are going to get worse in the future, just like in the following books: The Time Machine by H.G. Wells, the Last Book in the Universe, and Feed by M.T. Anderson. The future, I can only imagine how much more terrible it will become.