I'm not blaming you guys. It's not your fault. I was screwed up at the time and I wanted to see you guys but I didnt want those looks. I dont think I could ahve handle them. My mom called Patti, the girl I used to see at AFM and she said I had a relapse. I believe that was what it was. I just feel so lonely here with ppl giving me strange looks cuz they dont know what I've been through so they wont be able to begin to understand all the hurt behind my eyes. I've been through difficult times and all these ppl care about is getting drunk and laugh when they crash their car and get stuck in the snow because they think it's funny to drive drunk. As you can probly tell there's not much else to do around here. Laura S. you helped me a lot which I am grateful for. I dont know why we ever fought. We all have problems we have to deal with whether it's addictions, depression, finaces or whatever. We shouldnt have to go through it alone. I was so scared of losing my real friends, you guys. I love you guys. I am glad to say that I am feeling better and I will get through this once again. My mom wants me to go to treatment, but I dont think that will help me cuz people just make more hook ups in those places. Well I cant go to the women's rehab cuz its 19+ and I cant go to some other place cuz it's 17- so the other place is St. Nobert. I was thinking I could take some time off Next semestre and see Patti and find out why the hell this happened I know cuz I let it, but there's got to be another reason like in the back of my mind or something. My mom said that she said it's like the most difficult thing to quit and relapses would happen. In my case it's a relapse not in Laura Henderson's case when she uses that excuse everyday. The thing is I was trying to help her. I know it may sound crazy but I was. I had to make sure she was at home so I could leave and it would be all good cuz I know her dad wouldnt let her do anything stupid. So I go to her place and she's not there and her dad freaks out at me. I go to look for her and I knew where she was but she was hiding in the basement and it was locked just so she could fuck some guy that probly has a milliom STD's. I found her the next day and she was being all bitchy towards me and I was like when do you want to go to your dad's and she was all saying she would take the bus and stuff so I was like fine fuck you if you're not going to cooperate. Cuz she has a 10pm curfew and she's going to go back to jail and that's not my problem. I ended up leaving that night. Now there's problems with my car. I know these ppl took it a couple times so I stole a digital camera from this one guy and I like trashed his place. It was already a mess I just kinda added to it. The window is broken on the driver's side and the transmission is not that stable. It's still good tho but my dad took the insurance off of it and switched it to the cavalier. I don't want to drive anyway. I dont like when I dont feel safe it freaks me out and I cant handle it. Being here with my dad is good and with you guys. I feel a lot better then Monday at least I can say that. I was like a walking zombie I was so exhausted and felt lost. Yesterday I went to the orthodontist and I'm getting the braces off Feburary 20th. Yay! Then I Hvae to see a Periodontist and he has to freeze and cut and stitch or something like that. Last night I felt really good I had enough energy to clean up in the kitchen and my room. Today I feel really good too. Sorta tired but like I can move on now. I want to get a job but I always get this sinking feeling that no one wants to hire me. It sucks. Safeway and Niakwa pizza didnt call me back yet. I guess I'll have to go for a fast food joint as long as I can make some money. I jsut need to get through this semestre. I'll have 26 credits and I will only need Math and English Comp. I could take night classes or something. Keeping busy is the best. Maybe I could still move in...I still want to see you guys and I still think we should discuss everything. Love Nathalie