to be alone a single heart accident prone when alone and when attached life is unpredictable two hearts combine two brains two worlds two seperate points of view serene yet catastrophic loving difficult so many different factors an unknown path.. to die loved is amazing yet to die alone is a simple trajedy all in its own

is there no way to turn off my aching pains within my stomach within my brain within my chest my heart is crying it will not stop it cannot stop i need closure there is no way that we will be together again hes ruining every fucking chance he ever had... and somehow i know there will be that extra chance i fucking love him.. why cant i stop?! why cant he just be honest tell me hes fooling around with another chick an old FLAME BE HONEST its not that tough its too much of a coincidental incident.. too much... i cant take it anymore cant take the crying the breakdowns the mood changes the PAIN the SUFFERING the LOSS what the fucking hell am i to do?! is there no way to stop my pain i just want it to stop i want him back OR i want him to at least come clean...for me savvy?

never coming home never coming home i think of everything EVERYTHING links to him to us everything i see links back to what we had... our song.. wake me up when september ends greenday.. attended the concert together beer tequila the rum jungle the bar in general black trucks waterbeds late night phone calls country music EVERY fucking love song every song we ever listened to picture taking guitar playing gasolina..oye mi canto.. grinding seeing couples together, laughing kisses.. skip bo speeding heart racing the saying "growing up is overrated..." the words.. i love you i cant stop thinking about how it used to be hes never coming home........

all over its been over a month since we broke what we had from one to two seperate pieces he confessed to more then i knew he came clean also confessed he missed me that if he wasnt to move we'd still be together as much as that hurt it also fulfilled my heart not with false hope but with the known fact that he didnt leave for her he left for me for him for us and he will continue to be a best friend i love him as a friend nothing more i feel as though i finally have closure it will only be complete... when i see him in person for the last time...

its over when it ended i do not know all i know is i feel so confused abused slightly used in denial it cant be over no fucking way he became a part of me i cant lose this part of myself what went wrong?

fuck i fell and i fell HARD we said we loved one and another hes going away for who knows how long it cant be over IT CANT why must it all end for me? all good things come to an end when why do married couples live all their days loving one another i dont understand fuck...

do i believe in love? yes i do i see love between my parents every single day ive seen love between a parent and a child time and time again ive seen and felt the love between two friends i love my friends i believe in it even if the type i want doesnt come easily sure ive never been in love with any guy before every guy ive ever been with or liked has had some sort of flaw that i could NOT stand......... he doesnt he has flaws i see them but none of them bug me as much as i know they should i cant live a day without talking to him im on the road the road to his heart i think im stealing his and hes stealing mine i think im falling in love

i did it i questioned him we've been seeing each other since mid april i think its time to be able to refer to him as my boyfriend not just my bud from the country im getting in deeper with every moment i spend with and even without him he opened up for me tonight said how he felt nothing but good it hurts him and i that we must part in the fall oh how i dread that day.....

here i sit in my sunlit computer room i felt so down yesterday not for me but for him for his friends for the way they all feel i know what its like to lose someone but not within those circumstances it isnt fair why are peoples lives taken so easily? we think we are indestructable we arent... a strange concept yes i agree but very real too real scary as well we think we are invincible i used to but now i think twice...

this is amazing he calls me just to hear my voice he says to me that i am different i am special his mom noticed that he acts differently he cant stop thinking of me and i cant stop thinking of him i miss him i never thought something like this would come of a drunken night but it did and i am stoked

this week has been amazing things feel unreal but in a good way i really like him he likes me in return this feels so right hes so far away i miss him yet i hardly know him its strange but i think things could really work i hope anyways i dream it last night i had a nightmare that we couldnt be together that cant happen this is too good already and we arent even together yet we are seeing each other he makes me feel so good about myself he makes me feel wanted needed special im not just another girl soon i'll be his girl

amazing so amazing i cant think my appetite is weak my heart is strong my mind is clearing with each day all i can say is wow friday time spent with just him he makes me smile he LOVES my smile and i love the way he makes me feel i feel so alive hardly know the guy but it just feels right my next step awaits me his kisses, his touch everything make me feel real he holds me like he cares he phones just to hear my voice oh why do i fall for the long distance boys? hes worth it and i am winning him over friday he kept whispering sweet spanish nothings in my ear chills go down my spine uncontrollable when will i see him again?

mind has expanded yet again i went out last week with a guy id just met intoxication occurred we danced the dance of sexual attraction grinding front, back, switch amazing attraction lead to lust and longing he kissed my neck over and over until i turned around and just let go we kissed for awhile it was amazing and this past week has been utterly awesome we talk and have planned a night out on the town together what will happen only that night will tell...

as of this moment i am lost in my mind my heart has stopped falling i like a few people its strange i feel alone to be alone meaningless sexual pleasure keeps me together for now although ... i am ready for love i threw the last away but there are no regrets as of this moment i have been in wonder wishing i could read four special boys's minds...

it happened we got together a certain mixup occured but we found a way we sat in his room far apart, then closer we watched a movie i just wanted to lay with him to hear him whisper sweet nothings in my ear i am far from that it moved me a step closer to him though there was no awkwardness he wasnt shy at all neither was i he wants to get together soon that is a good sign it was an all around good feeling night i was half an hour late arriving home... monday night has me dreaming hoping wishing when hes back i will get closer this one feels different i couldnt be around my ex alone.. no comfort only awkwardness with this new guy awkwardness is left in the dust after hello...

here i am thinking to myself reflecting its all i have to do i keep reminding myself of the good and the bad weighing it all deciding whether or not i should just let go let go of all concious thought just let myself like him monday will decide for me if he comes at all if we can commence conversation not just the small talk ive dreamed of this day the day where i am with him alone just hanging out i can hold his hand that is all and know that i might have a chance but as of now my chances are uncertain i cannot even guess so right now ill wait for monday...

ive met another just recently the one i met knows me not well we've gotten together twice before he wants to get to know who i am his blue eyes have looked deep into mine in conversation i watch his face full of concentration as he clumsily plucks away at his accoustic guitar i find myself humming along when he plays a familiar tune when he speaks i must look into his eyes he looks back no doubt in his mind a fresh slate has been offered my way and i will take it with open arms with open eyes with an open heart and an open mind we've so much in common he has everything i look for in a guy and from what he says i posess everything he looks for in a girl ill let this work its way through ive begun to wonder to myself if anything is destined to occur between us ill wish for the best but i wont assume nor will i hope the future is all but clear for me..

deep within i yearn i ache he went down to the ultimate low she cheated on her boyfriend of two years with him... my love... the secret was revealed attaching anger upon me revenge was mine until pure sadness took over confusion exclusion holding back until the wall tore down i lost control as tears began to stain my face uncertain my heart felt torn in two our friendship has taken the ultimate turn not for the best ill still stay faithful to him as a friend like always but i see him in a whole new way my mind is charged with shock my heart has begun to move along it had begun before this catastrophic event had even occured pain filled my mind my stomach churned this can only make me stronger...

i sit here in my cold dark basement in complete thought last night was strange i wanted to be held in his arms i longed for it i just could not let myself go i could not let myself follow him upstairs to sleep in his room alongside him something stopped me something deep inside although part of me wanted to follow to the warmth of his bedroom the larger half kept me locked in my spot on the couch in his cold basement i cant hurt him i cannot lead him on i cannot love him it is something my heart wont do i hate myself for what i did and i sometimes regret putting it all to a halt the reason i hate myself is because it hurt him it does not matter how much it hurt me its him i cant let myself go not even for one night deep inside i still care i still want him back but there are things that i have not found out yet and i am still searching for the answers so i can resolve this and we can both finally be happy...

various thoughts lonely feelings emotions run through my veins cold and smooth the alcohol pours down my throat feeling tipsy dizzy, drunk not alone with my thoughts a good feeling rushes through a welcoming time breaks into until it hits me fast and hard i am alone noone here to hold me tight i need to get away to escape from these thoughts of mine let me be leave me to cry let me vent love is no lie and i understand i the lonesome lover all i have is love to give let me love you whoever you are...