feeling: emo hearing: nothing i sit and i wonder what would i be like if i didn't move...who would i hang out with..who would be my best friend let alone friend? i was reading this girls xanga from my old school and she was talking about people i used to know and grew up with. i started thinking id probally be really different. have some really gay friends i don't know or i would be having a blast and wouldn't have to worry about all the shit that happens here. all the lies all the backstabbing all the sluts. i wonder what if my grandfather never died. my dad would probally be happier hell we all would be happier. when i think about him sometimes it scares me bc i almost can't remember what he looks like in my mind. all i can remember are his hands my hands always got lost in his. i miss him so much and as im writing this im crying. i hate when my mom brings him up it hurts so badly. i remember that night crying myself to sleep. its almost like nobody knows what i lost and how much i reallly do miss him. i remember that summer that whole year going to the hospital almost every night and when he wasn't in the hospital he wasn't the same. i remeber pulling up to his house and seeing my grandma getting in the car who at that point couldn't drive at all. i remember going to my great grandmas house and finding my little brother on the back porch crying bc he thought his pep pep was gonna die. i remeber telling him "he might not jake everything might be okay." then i remember my mom picking us up and talking to my great grandma me being the oldest only knew what was yet to come. i miss him so much i miss everything the way things used to be. it all used to be so differnt. then i actually talked to my cousin i never went to school worrying about what was gonna happen if i was gonna come home upset or not over something or what somebody said. i hate how none of my friends realize they arn't the only ones. you have no idea who i used to be. you have no idea what i went through that year before i came into your lives... There is no such thing as a past it is just a memory that fades with each step..