Tonight is my first time in a very very long time writing anything in here, even signing in and seeing this page and that is a great disappointment to me bc i have always found this to be some what self medicating but i havent let me self into my head in quite some time. im almost 22 and i can be sure that i havent been on here since i was 19. Its so weird how my life has changed so drastically. So manything have happened that i would have never dreamed of... great amazing things but still never anything of any of my dreams. I am a completely different person than i once was and that scares me completely. I miss that girl that use to just rock out and go swinging on swings at 2 am with out a care in the world. Now my world is all so many worries and staying home alone at nights. You see i met this silly boy back when i was 19 around the time of the tat. i never really thought it would go anywhere but to my suprise i was dead wrong, which is very very weird for me seeing how i was always the girl that feel for the heart breakers that could never be seised. This was also very not like me seeing how this guy live an hour and a half away in this tiny little town... we had our falling out that left me devistated and i couldnt bare it, kept from eating or sleeping for a week and spent 200 dollars driving around to get my mind off of the pain of my broken heart. But he soon realized he had "made the biggest mistake in his life." So from there i tryed to let him in to my mind for a bit of how i was feeling after that, so untrusting and an able to let him have my whole heart in fear of him breaking it again. I guess sub consiously i decided it was my turn for the making of mistakes so i met this guy at a small get together and he actually was someone that would listen and talk to and i mistakenly fell asleep next to him. Of course in my stupidity my boyfriend had found out by a text in my phone he was already having a bad feeling about it. So to our dismay we had a huge fight and very much unlike him he let me stay, as the other half of "us" See this was very unlike him bc he had a girlfriend who time and time again cheated on him and he was this as cheating, i know i thought i was not at the time but then when he put it to me his way, i wouldnt like it if it was the other way around. So we made our way threw that and still struggle every day with our insecurities and our trust issues bc we both have them but for differnt reasons. I know what your all thinking this doesnt seem healthy, but really looking at us from the out side wouldnt seem healthy... we bicker every day, hell every hour but we have since the day we met we love to challange eachother and we wouldnt have it any other way. So months have gone one and we decided that we want to start planning for a life together, talk about me going to school which soon fell threw but his plans and dreams never did. He has always wanted to be a United States Marine. He had talked to a recruiter and soon after signed. I remember sitting in his bed room late at night that night and talking about what would happen to us, we were both so young me only 19 he only 17, He looks me in the eye with a huge goofy grin, and said So i guess were getting married!? HAHA we laughted pretty hard and then he asked I mean you want to right??, that was the proposal... most girls would flip but this was fine from me, i couldnt see him on one need in some fancy restrant, tis not our style. i said yes and that was it. The day he went to boot camp will forever be burned in my memory, hugging everyone and then leaving me for last, kissing me and then kissing my forehead turns and gets in the car to be unseen for 3 months. I was so srong until he turned his back to get in the car, then i balled my eyes out thinking that this was far to much for me to handle. How can one person be exspected to spend so much time away from the one person they would give their life for. Every day o fhis boot camp i sent him a 3 page letter and hopefully waited for my letters to come. Everynight i fell asleep with his t- shirt and the marine necklace, he gave me before he left, giving it a kiss each night, it was the closest thing i had and it truely make me feel like ti was a peice of him. His boot camp was coming to an end and i finally got to fly out and see the boy i've missed so badly, I ran and jumped when isaw him, smiling as he exscorted me threw the depo so excited that he was actually beside me. We finally got to tak ehim home, things were very hard when he came home bc everyone have expectations of what is going to happen and all of them always fall short. no wants to be pulled in that many directions, but things got semi back to normal, at least between me and him as if time hadnt passed yet made us value every moment. (things werent going well with the family but thats a different story in its self this is ours. ) He had gotten an extra month to stay home, so we decided to sneak off and use our time to have a 3 and a half min court house wedding, i also had gotten my engagement ring that im sure i drove him nuts about. That day will remain the best day of my life. Its the day that i married the only preson i want for the rest of forever, and people can say that we are dumb and just young in love, but its much more than that. Nothing can keep me from him, well except the marines... Jan. 22 2009 i made the best descion of my life! After he had to go back for more training he had flown we out to spend just a weekend with him on a weekend pass, we did basically absolutely nothing, and it was perfect. Off to another training, me at home missing him terribly, more than he will ever know, bc words cant even describe what is missing from me when he is away. We thought our wait was over, i even planned a real wedding for us to share with our familys, however that had to be cancelled bc of instead of leave papers, he got deployment ones. So instead of us finally being able to start our lives together and be a real married couple, move on to our base in our own home, He would have to do one more month of training and then 7 to 12 months in Iraq. This broke myheart, I was so so excited that i would get my husband back for some time but now im here hopeing praying that he is ok and missing him. This worries me so so insainely bad but i cant let him know this bc i dotn want to stress him out. Dear god please bring him home safe... See i am a completely different person now but mostly for the better...

i unern for something i had but a week ago. it feels like its more here than it ever was. like hes more with me than he ever has been. and i love that feeling. its a feeling i dont want to let go. the way my heartbeat grows faster as you pull me in tighter. the way you smile with the move of my hips. the soft comforting touch of you goregous lips. my heart does flips and somersults thinking of our moment where time stopped. and gave us one more chance. even tho we probably have had too many chances. but is this fate is it fate that you called me that night. fate that i wanted to respect bondreys but you had something else in mind. fate that after months you always come back with the words i miss you. fate that your kiss still lingers on my lips from the first time you kissed me in the middle of the hall way by the stairs. and that moment whne you held my hand in the poring rain at 3 am in the middle of a pitch black street corner and kissed my forehead and told me "you can fight your addictions with me" i cant desribe this feeling i still and always will love you. but the really question is not if i love you bc thats obvious. but the question is will you leave the girl that took you from me, because you realized you cant get the away from the thought of me. you cant get the smell of my skin out of your head. or what ever reason that always makes you run back for more. please decided my heart cant be broken by you many more times. even though i know. even if you do break my heart this time. you wont ever leave my heart you are there you have carved your name and that will remaine the same.

listening to gregory and the hawk it makes me cry. listening to the "leave you my star dust to remeber me by" i wish i had done that be now i cant find me. and other are struggling to do so also. and you know do i realy want to listen to my hear or my mind? why cant life be as simple as the old song... "put your head on my shoulder hold me in your arms baby sqeeze me oh so tight and show me that you love me too." it seems to me that love has gotten harder to find. bc boys now are thinking with their crotch and not there mind. where is that guy that thinks with his heart if hes out there im here waiting for you. come find me and we can have a old fasion love story. even though i know thats not true somedays i wish for that but you know i bet i would probably run form that just as i do from every guy.... well every guy but one. maybe he was my one love maybe you only get one love. and he was mind and i missed my chance and i let him slip through my finger. maybe im finished and i will have to settle for someone.

I heard something today where someone basically decided they knew how to teach " how to get a guy 101" for instance these were they're "key things" * create interest * give him a taste (a little kiss, "leave him asking for more") *make self unavailable *make a ticking clock (like a time limit he has to "catch" you) but here is my thoughts on this what is the use of playing a game to make some guy fall for something he " cant" have because then when he gets it wont all of the attraction be gone anyways if he was in if for just the chase what makes you think he's there for the relationship after the chase. How do you know if its "true love" or trickery? If he loves you or you just made him think he was head over heels for you because of the game you played. what if you made him make his decision too fast, which in my opinion should not be made lightly. How do you know if he loves being with you or the fact that he like that no one else is with you? Do we make ourselves find "love" where it cant be found, because its what we were taught to strive for? We need to think that love is real and but what we really need is to think of why we are in the relationships we are in. If we are there because its "true love" or because we are classically conditioned. we see love all around us and are taught to try and find it to be happy. But what if because of this we take our feelings to extremes and make it seem better than reality because we strive for the dream relationship. Make the flirting, attraction, security, self confidence and lust into fake feelings of love. Maybe love is uncommon and we try too hard to find love, in turn making lust seem more like love, only trying to make our selves feel more lucky to have found "love". Really its just your insecurities calling it love while deep down your screaming to get out. deep down you hate the way he simply breathes, hate the way he calls you sweetheart, hate every single time he tries to hold your hand. eventually you realize you hate the way your insecurities made you feel as if you ever had any feelings for him once so ever. Then you find it harder and harder to find things you once loved because they are no where near as easy to find as the dreadful imperfections in him you see. He then becomes paper-thin to you, you can see threw everything he does. However. Here is where you stop and think.... maybe the problem is you. He's just trying to be sweet and trying his best to "keep" you. (which in all reality I hate that phrase. because no one will keep me I will always do what I choose.) But is it your problem because you are thinking that your insecurities are making you choose a guy that is totally wrong for you..... or could it be just the opposite and your insecurities are making you second guys yourself and you are pushing away the perfect guy? The mind is a crazy thing. now your at a fork in the road and don't know what side to choose to go with where you started or go with a feeling telling you the relationship is all wrong? but if you take the second one who's to say that you are not screwing yourself over subconsciously because you seem to like to change your mind. do you really like him or do you not. or here's a third option do you really not like him and feel your subconscious telling you that but stick with him because you think that subconsciously you are trying to push away something that could be great? I know I may have confused you a bit. like I said the mind is a crazy thing. But then again the heart is crazy too so which do you choose your heart or your mind. One will choose the wrong thing. But whose to say the "wrong" choice is always wrong. Many decisions you make can lead you into something you never really wanted but maybe it wasn't that you didn't want it you just never knew you did because you never saw it as an option. The wrong choice can lead to a new perspective on life, on love, on over all everything. So whose to say any choice is really "wrong" because it might turn out to be better than you would think in the long run and how could that be wrong. I feel like in trapped in a world where something is nothing and nothing is something. where things intertwine and become more obvious yet also more foggy. where my mind will think something and then my heart chimes in with a contradiction. Its a blur of thoughts and you cant seem to straighten them.

i wish those words you used that night werent a bunch of melisous lies. and that you acutally had a heart or well knew how to use it. becuase of you i question every word a boy just as much utters to me. i wish those words were full of truth and hopefulness. i wish they would have made you bite your toungue so it soaked your shirt. i wish those words some how would get thrown in your face. just as mine were to me. but yours were more harsh than anything i could have ever thought would come from those lip. you a lush and yet you had me hanging on every word you slurred through your teeth. how you did it i will never know. i wish that those words didnt stick in my head so much. that those words didnt hurt me so. i wish i could just forget those words but for some reason i cant. i wish those words had no meaning in my head or my heart. its heartwrenching to try and convince my self that im the idiot. because i acutally truely feel things. you cant pretend to feel if you look down your nose at it. and for some reason. i wish for more of your words bc then at least i wouldnt feel like a complete loss. and the thing that hurts the most is not only did you lie to me with your words but you eyes lied too. the truth doesnt lay in your lies.

ive come to the realization that no one should be just a stranger. every stranger you look at could possibly be someone with more soul or heart than you have ever dreamed of and could change your life with a simple "hi" and i know you probably think that im crazy and no im not saying there arent bad people in the world but im saying im sure theres a lot of good in the world too and maybe we should stop with our "oh so busy" lives to take the time and try to find it. to try and find the good in people and to find the good in ourselves.... you cant choose how you die. but you can choose how you live. thanks i love you. to everyone i dont tell how i feel about them or take for granted. i love you. karyn

You're better off without him, don't call him... He's breaking your heart. He's hanging with your best friend and your waiting there, It's tearing you apart. He lied to you a thousand times, When I was there he kept you waiting. And I'm still here waiting there To catch you if you fall. I don't know why I care so much When I shouldn't care at all. So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the joke's on me. I'm simple yet confusing My sparkling eyes make him weak at my words, they tremble Days seem like years in this month of December The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep him he hope it's something worth the waiting It's the only time that he ever feels real 'Cause thunder storms could never stop him 'Cause there's no one in the world like... thank you to the ataris for talking me out of feeling anything for that boy again and to dashboard confessional for helping me realize that things arent working. and lastly to from first to last that made me realize that i shouldnt be with someone that i am at all not sure of bc i should be with the person that makes me have heartflips and should also wait for a guy that feels and treats me like that because i dont deserve to be an ify subject when someone asks him how he feels about me i should be that feeling in his gut that he just cant describe. If your out there come find me im waiting for my better half of a decade.

im a blur of thoughts and wonder. whats in his head. hell forget his head whats in his heart? am i the one the thinks of when his head hits the pillow at night. i mean i hopw. i wish i pray. bc that boy saves my day! like i always said i wanted some1 to beable to do. and i really never knew what i ment by that before i met you. we get told we are so cute and so met to be. but if this is true when will we truley become you and me. you and me as a team as a strong serious relationship. instead of just a silly punk rocker friendship. when you held my hand all night i fianlly felt right inside. almost as if all of my worrys and insecurities died. i melted inside that kiss that still lingers on my lip. and i tingled as your hand grased my hip. funny thing abou that kiss. my foot actally poped like in old love stories. that night was filled with heart flips and no worries. you made me feel content once again. yes content in my own skin. oh goodness me im at awe. i just hope theres truth in the feelings i saw.

So honestly, The way your body tells the story of the summer nights you spent away from me. And honestly, there is no other place I'd rather be. So sound the alarms. It's going to take more than a miracle to save me from your charms. So sound the alarms. It's going to take more than a miracle. And every smile that you fake could be your last. Spend another night here living in the past. And every smile that you fake could be your last. Spend another night at home. And suddenly, I'm seeing clearly in the places that you always kept from me. And suddenly, there is no other place I'd rather be.

PERFECT LOVE SONG. by 12 summers old Turn those headlights off and lets not make a sound. Whisper in my ear how much you want me around. If you wanted to tell me how much you would miss me when Im gone. Now would be the time. This could be the perfect love song if I wrote this song for someone else. This could be the perfect love song if I cared how you felt. You say its all my fault that you spend your nights alone, cause every time you called me I was never home. Well maybe Im with your best friend laughing at your imperfections or the stupid things youve said. This could be the perfect love song if I wrote this song for someone else. This could be the perfect love song if I cared how you felt. If you wanted to kill me slowly, tell me youll be mine forever. If you wanted to kill me slowly, we could spend our lives together. Ive been waiting, just kill yourself so I can move on. No more wasting time. Ill cut your throat so you wont sing along. This could be the perfect love song if I wrote this song for someone else. This could be the perfect love song if I cared how you felt.

"Life is mostly froth and bubble; two things stand like stone:-kindness in anothers trouble, courage in your own" -Adam Lindsay Gordon

it wont snow where your going. you feel the blood strem down your face. and your heart beat go for its final race. the blood feels warm as your body grows cold. you feel a tear roll down your pail cheek. want to wipe it but your feeling to weak. its bitter cold. you cant feel your feet. you can count the hours by the slow of your heartbeat. your all alone watching your self breathe. wishing for a little reasurence that life doesnt have you beat. taking a step back looking at the life you once lead. sitting sulking in the feeling of the dead. so numb so cold you'd never think you'd feel this old. you feel the death take you from feet to up to head. thinking of the things you never said. sitting there on your deathbed. wishing you never took that bullet to the head.

Black and red, laced up the back Pinned down in the pulse of a finger snap She's a Black Widow spider; fangs in your heart Web crawling her way up the male species chart She fucked you hard and licked the crest of your lips She could slice you to ribbons with those razorblade hips Watch you turn cold in the harvest moonlight Little did you know you'd die tonight And as you fall out of realm you'll rememer the face The wink from girl who put you in place The lips, the smile, the eyes, the hair And the glittering shine in her icy stare She'll have one last word as she tucks you in tight: "Watch out for us bed bugs, because we always bite" i want a lover I don't have to love I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk Where is the kid with the chemicals I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full I need some meaning I can memorize The kind I have always seems to slip my mind But life's no storybook Love's an excuse to get hurt You said: My laughter was the antidote, the cure for every disease. It breaks easy now on the innocence of fairy wings. Somewhere in my downward spiral I bowed before your queen. You said: Run to your kitchen, to your cabinet of liquor and sin. Lokk for your salvation next to the tequilla, behind the gin. Your permanent disguise is hidden deep within. You said: Keep on jammin to the rythym you made up inside your head. It's the fuel of a lifetime that pulses black and red. A spoonful of riffs is what you're being fed. You said: Entertain us a while longer, we like to see you weep. Or break free from the light and take that giant leap. It's the cherry flavored novocain rocking you to sleep

And in the darkness I'd shoot you a wink: "I like my emotions shaken, not stirred." Maybe we could have a razorblade race standing at the bathroom sink And maybe this time you'd put up a fight Or maybe you'd let me win i lost the razorblade race tonight. i gave in and the razor won.

all the best desptions and the clever cover story awards go to you. you will be back somedayt and this ackward kiss that screams of other peoples lips. is that going to be us? i mean i know i cant expect to wait five months for someone that has been away and hope that i was the last one he kissed, thats just ignorant of myself to think that that would be true. but man i wish it wasnt like this i wish you didnt move to rhode island bc you keep feeding me the line that " if i were staying it would be different between us" but how can you say that and be so cold on your goodbye. you were only that cold bc you would be and you said that you didnt want to make it to sentamental bc then i would just make you leaving harder on the both of us. but you know i would really like to know if all the things you whispered in my ear with you lips brushin so close were how you truely felt or if you were just being a boy and telling me what i wanted to hear. god i hope not. i hope things can be amazing between us when you come back. so a part of me wants that kiss that tells of other peoples lips. just so i know that you werent lieing and that it really would be different if you stayed. please let that be true when you come back. sitting in your room i dont comprehend the realization of it all. it just seems like you just happen to not be home when ever i come over and that you i dont know i guess that you moved upstairs. the funny thing is i dont want the realization to kick in. that day will be a gloomy day. i just expect you to come running down the steps and run up and pick me up and spin me around. stand behind me with you hands around my waist. got i would do anything to split my last pack of ciggerettes with you. or even to just be laying in your bed with you laying beside me playing with my hair. i just want everything to go back to the way we were. if i could be your first REAL heartake i would do it over again. i miss you more than most know.

i got home today to find out that my sister has cancer in her cervix. and that they have to do sergery and then see if its still spreading. and since my papsmere came back unnormal its very likely that i have cancerous cells also. meaning i have to go in and they will be cutting off a section of my cervix to test it i dont even know the words to decribe how im feeling. im scared and i know that it can be cured easly but its still very scary to me. i dont know i dont know what to think or how to explain it. my mind is a hurricane of thoughts.

you will never have the time .time to figure out whats deep inside. time to figure out all the lies. the lies that i write in my mind the lies that i try my best to hide. i try my best to hide them . but if you took a closer look. you can see i hide them on my arm. my wrist where i write my biggest sin. the sin that will follow me till my bitter end. the deeper i go i feel the stronger i grow but really strong is a word i will never truely know because only the strong can cope and this copeing doesnt give me any hope copings suppose to make you better not feel like a joke. this hope i speak of is it real or is it just made up to make life look like its better than it is? if it is made up what is there to look forward to? what is lifes perpose other than drownding us in aganie so hard and painful but the real question is does the pain over way the fun of playing the game the game of lifeso wicked and cruel screwing you with every roll of the dice every turn you make with every turn there is a better one you could have took but dont realize till after your life has changed for the worst but hey hind sight is twenty twenty sorry i have no idea what that is.. its not poetry its not even a connected gatherment of thoughts. who the hell knows. "and were just killing time wishing it were eachother." -the morning of

so i got in a giant fight with brad tonight and it kinda sucked bc i dont like confertation and he was makin gme tell him why im so mad and kept calling me stubbern and stuff but im sorry i like to pick my battles and i just needed to blow off steam to brittany but no he decided once he found out i was mad that i was going to tell him. even tho i didnt want to which i have to say really didnt helpt he situation bc now there probably some drama with me and my boys and it sucks bc i hate drama and i didnt even want it i just wanted it to blow over and me not say a word. and just pick my battles. but i dotn know none the less i guess it just was not the day for that to happen. already i had a 6 hour orientation at victoria secret which went on and on. so i was tired and not wanting anything to happen. but anyways thats not why im writing in here tonight its bc i feel like i havent wrote in a while and really need to get back in to this bc i have so many things all jumbled up in my head. so here i go. this whole month is probably the lowest ive been in a long time no scratch that like the past three have been the worst. about a month ago i was so bad that i saw a really bad car accident and the first thought to mind was... i wish that was me and well thats not a normal reaction so it made me think about my life and what i want from it only to see all of that be destroyed in front of me and the one thing that i thought was the most solid in my life was just handed over to i guess you could say "my worst enemie" i know it sounds silly but ask anyone this person comes in to mylife out of no where all the time and just makes bad times worse. so this has not been a good time for me. ive started cutting again which i knwo isnt teh most sensable way to deal with things but its me how sensable am i really. i mean i write some crazy ass things in here that people probably dont understand but my fingers just type it. who knows maybe im just crazy and all of this gloom is just in my head.

i have a job!!