I'm writing again without even trying. That should be a big enough hint that somethings wrong. I never could think of titles though.. Content in constraints She finally unclenched her teeth Deliberate lies that This is for the best. Rhyme to reason Reasons from the past She started breathing Found him at last Lies dried with the tear And night fell with fear He was perfect enough Enough to know she wasn’t The tarnish, a smear On his good record The lies stopped And the music faded A hope lost A life gone Hope rendered Her lipless

Do you ever find yourself reaching for something? You don't know exactly what is it.. but you know you need it, and that's all you need to know. Laying there in bed, you can feel the void, like your heart has traveled to your stomach. For some, it would be nice to feel anything in your stomach. I'm a model now and the tagline is essentially - get use to being hungry. They might as well ad that to the conract..it would be more fun to break it that way. My newest train of thought, or I dare say newest obession that I have to figure out for myself - is what makes people care. stay...leave. What motivations exist..that is out of their control. What do I do...that makes one stay and another leave? Can we affect their choice to care? Make the difference between love and lust? Hah and this is me thinking on uppers..imagine me on a bad day. Enough rambling for now..i'm sure I'll edit this later..

Because I love you....you will leave me. This is the lesson fate is trying to tell me. My grandparents were all I had. When I was 13 I lost my father. When I was 18 I lost my mother. LOST ...what a word that is..what a tease.. losing something implies that you can find it again. such a delicate word used to provide such delicate hope. worthless. I tried to get closer to my father when I went home to help get the things from her home..then I left to go back to college. That night I got a phone call from the hospital letting me know where my father was. Are you going to take him from me too?? I didn't know that it was possible to feel so alone... especially for someone who is almost never alone. Is it ever alright it NOT be okay? I know that I have not been the ideal person lately.. I need to start over. I have to i'm suffocating here. Death is misleading. I am a fire caught in a storm. Using my memories like embers to keep warm. Though I may stray across you in my dreams, You will leave me in the morning.

me: You have a girlfriend. him: I have a girlfriend. me: okay..so what do you think of me then? him: I think nothing of you.. and the fact that you're in a sorority makes me think even less of you. Oh, and you might want to cut back on drinking. Its bad for your liver. ........who doesn't love honesty.

Its not a lie if you believe it. It will hurt either way. So will someone please explain to me what the point is? At some point in life.. there will be someone in your life that you can't get out of your head. I am writing this entry to remind me of how I feel right now. Embarassed. Ashamed. Hurt. I cannot talk to him anymore. Ever again. Can't handle it. Not strong enough emotionally or physically. CAN'T. Don't argue or justify it because in the end... it is never going to be you. "Who is the first bf/gf you ever said I love you to and meant it?" "Christina"

I know this feeling. I hate this feeling. This feeling is reminding me that people do not like the truth. That I will never truly be known by anyone. The truth is what makes me who I am. Chris proved that people will never love me for me. He has even offered reasonable thoughts that I will never be wanted for anything real and tangible. If you've looked at my body.. Do you like what you see? I don't, though it is all that is worth noticing. Do you want to know me? I am self distructiive on an almost pathological level because of this damn FEELING. I hate feeling. Do you want to know what I love? [edited] and knowning that all of this has to end. But maybe it won't. Because I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT! and I will never apologize for that.

He is the origin of every uncertainty. Over him.. but not over it. Why do I get the feeling that I'll keep falling until he catches me? Time changes nothing. I still remember everything. Every perfect moment. Every tear of joy and pain. Every time I looked at him with butterflies..and Every time he looked away. Every Mistake Every Apology What do you do when the smiles go away? And.. When your plans fall through Everything seems to be caving in around me. I should never have set the bar so high for myself. I should have known that I could never meet it. How tragic is it that a life can end because of one letter. One letter.. To those who thought they knew me I'm sorry.. You were wrong.

There will always be something that we can't handle.. and as much as I try to pretend I will never not be strong enough.. its something I have to accept. When the pain of holding on is greater than the pain of letting go, It's time to let go. But what happens when you never even get the chance to let go..? There's a growing experience that should come from pain I have been denied. My head is so afraid of feeling the things that I have felt again that the instance I begin to become traumatized it slips away.. or at least any memory of it. People tell me what went wrong ..mostly out of guilt.. and their memories become mine. It's not the same. And yes, I realize that none of that made any sense. "A" for effort. At least I finally admitted to it. Back to the old motto: Always hold your head up high, even if on the inside you're about to cry. Pretend that nothing's wrong at all. Close your eyes before you fall. If you can't see it, it's not there. This is life, and it's not fair...

"The heart has its reasons in which reason knows nothing" -Blaise Pascal I know that I have not written in a while.. but this confession will mean more because I can still smell him on my skin. If you read this before you know that I'm talking about Jacob; the love of my life and so much more. In our weakest moments.. nothing else matters. Not his girlfriend.. not my boyfriend. This morning I woke up in his arms.. and I never want to leave. First loves are never really over. I don't think that I can handle all of this. Not again.. Its always perfect until reality sets in. He tells me to be selfish. "Why did you ever let me leave you.. I wouldn't have met her. None of this would have happened. It would be you. Forever." "I just wanted.. want you to be happy. Whatever that means." (cue tears... lots and lots of tears) "But I was happy.. and I am now.. but its not the same. I will always love you (I finish for him- "but not enough.") I love her now. (cue heart being ripped out) Now its over.. but it just started. And I am awake in the infinite cold.

Sometimes.. goodbyes really are forever.. Rest in peace my dearest aunt and uncle. I pray that justice really was found today. Do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile, and you don't want to fake being happy. And at the same time.. you don't know exactly what is wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. The only thing you want in the world is to be alone. People have stopped being comforting...and it seems as though they're just asking because they feel obligated to do so. At least when you're alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who wont take 'i don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just BECAUSE. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.. Sometimes I need to run away just to see who will follow.. And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who is dead alive again.

Family does not mean anything! That word is so overrated.. My definition of family: A punching bag. Or.. The people that make you feel like a punching bag. Because no matter how many times they try and beat you down you just keep coming back for more abuse. Not because you want to. But there is no other option. I got a job... and a new guy, but I lost so much in turn for that. For some reason my happiness is on a balance and whatever I gain has to be equaled in sweat, blood, and tears. I'm sick. The kind of sick that doesn't just stay on the surface. I can feel it in my soul that i'm not alright. Not this time. I've lost 12 pounds in 2 days and the people that know me know that I don't have a whole hell of a lot to lose in the first place. I don't know.. I guess I'm just not enough for them anymore. I have to learn to accept that you aren't the person I once knew and we aren't the close friends we once were. Kaitie- You're the only one that has always been there for me. I can count on you to have my back no matter what and I love you for that. I wish that my other friends could compare to that. So what if I'm bitter and hateful. That's nothing new. I wanted everything to stay the same But feelings fade and people change. Love is... giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to. I'll talk about how trust is overrated later.

It's not all that matters, it's all that used to matter. I never thought that things would change this fast.. I wish I could have anticipated this. Maybe then I could have been better prepared. I'm a senior now.. and I don't know how to handle it. I hate knowing that everything i'm doing is the last time i'll being doing it. I've lost a lot of my friends.. I guess they couldn't have mattered all that much if they so easily abandoned me. I've taked too many hard classes and I'm already pulling all-nighters and having nervous breakdowns. To top that off: I have at least three blinding migranes a week (probably from stress). I'm juggling so many things that it's not possible to keep them up for long. My friend might be pregnant.. and if she is then her mother is kicking her out. She'll be living with me.. i'm so scared for her.. Sometimes I just want to scream. Two guys really want to be with me right now and I don't know what to do. I miss "love". but I don't think I could ever find that with them. I'm not saying his name this time. I have to forget the one that I loved. The sooner you realize things will never be the same, the sooner you can move on. love is when u miss him even before he leaves when you could listen to him talk all night and never get tired of hearing his voice when the sound of his name sends chills down your spine and you see his smile the second you close your eyes i wanna be that qirl he`s scared to lose the one where he can`t walk away from knowing shes mad at him, the one who can`t fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears the one he wouldn`t know what to do without..

I've been writing some really depressing entries lately and I thought it might be a good idea for me to have at least one happy entry every once in a while. I love my puppy and those are some *pics* of her. She's old enough to bark now.. I don't love that. Meh. But I guess we can never be completely happy with anything, especially not something we have to feed. Daisy is about 3 months old and a lab. Enjoy~ Another happy thing.. we just moved my big brother out. He's going to live with some friends about 45 minutes away. I don't like being alone so much but i'll be just fine. =) That's David down there. And the last little bit of happy---ish (Ashlee sent me this) I think you might like it. ok a man was at a barber shop getting his hair cut. He and the barber got into a discussion about God.(the man was a christian) he asked the barber whether or not he believed in God, the barber replied "no" when the man asked why the barber answered "if there was a God there wouldnt be so many sick people. I see sick people everyday and until i see more people getting healthy i cant believe in God" the man said nothing, he just nodded his head and changed the subject. After his hair was cut he paid and walked out side. He saw A man with long hair and a long beard. He walked back into the barber shop and said to the barber "i dont think barbers exist" The barber was confused and said "but i am a barber and i am right here" the man replied "if there were barbers that man outside wouldnt have long hair and a beard, it would be shaved" the barber then stated "i cant help that man unless he comes to me and asks" the man simply said "exactly the way God works" and left the barber shop.

He's my weakness.. I could never let anyone else do the things to me that he does. Sometimes I can't even believe myself anymore.. because I know that this just isn't me. I feel like I was so innocent before he came in to my life. It's time to take control. I've been hurt too many times to just watch myself die again. never love someone who doesnt love you between holding hands and falling in love - you begin to learn that kisses dont always mean something. He goes through phases where he wants all of me.. and then none of me. Right now he says none but he had it all a few days ago. You couldn't forget it if you tried. One moment can change all that we had. A lot is different but nothing has changed. It's your turn to know what it is to cry. My memories will always last. But your image will fade. So.. go ahead. I dare you to hurt me again. I'm strong enough to say NO. I just wanted to hold on Through the tears and the laughter But some things aren't worth fighting for.

Somewhere between nowhere and goodbye.. I've become a fool. I'm a fool for thinking that you're thinking of me. Before I forget how to breathe.. I'll forget every breath we took together. I'm depressed again and I'm afraid to say to what extent. Part of me wants to tell my close friends.. but I know I can't. They would never be able to accept how my mind works. I know that my logic is tragically skewed, but that's something that i'm not willing to change. This is who I am.. whatever happens. The last time I got this low.. was ironically because of the same reason that I am right now. My old best friend from freshman year keeps fucking with things. I've lost so many friends trying to avoid her and somehow I still have not hurt enough to satisfy her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate her.. I know "strong words" but they're appropriate. If you only knew.. you'd hate her too. I know my friends do. She is the reason behind almost all of my tears in the past four years. I used to think it was Jacob.. but she hurt that too. She is the definition of insanity.. but i'll have to explain more later. Up until recently.. the summer hasn't been all bad. Here are some of the happier pics. fall out boy concert ashlee ashley heather me at ashley's bday The Academy Is.. at Trees in Deep Ellum =)

I wish sometimes that someone would hold me down and force me to cry or make me hug them, or get deep inside my mind. It's like when people ask me how I am and I say 'Oh, I'm fine' and I walk away. Just once I wish that someone would say 'No... you're not.' I'm messing everything up again.. I got kicked out, my father stole my car and my brother threatened me. The worst part is.. no one knows. On the outside we look like the perfect family. Well.. no one knew until a few days ago. A friend called my cell and heard my screams before they could get the phone away from me. Things have been getting more and more complicated since then. I read this somewhere I think it applies to my life right now: "my heart is on my sleeve wear it like a bruise or blackeye my badge, my witness that means that i believed every single lie you said" I have not been in town for a while.. first it was UT and church camp. I was competing at MA for about a week. I made All American for the third year in a row and next year they want me to have a job on staff! This is my last entry for a while. I'm hardly ever home anymore and it's hard to find time to write when I'm not by the computer pretending to do homework. I'll still check it for comments every once in a while and then who knows. You need security.There has been many changes in your life andyou have had to live in an unstableenvironment. This has lead you to be suspiciousand always on guard. Your mind has a hard timeto unwind and this could lead to you havingsleeping problems, since you think too much.People are a category you don't give much trustat, and find yourself to be a better secretkeeper than they could ever be. Because in yourchanging world you have learnt that you onlyhave yourself in all times. What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics] brought to you by Quizilla

It's hanging on.. when your heart has had enough. It's giving more when you feel like giving up. I feel so alone even with my friends. I still can't get his face out of my head.. and it's giving me nightmares. To make matters worse, pretending that there wasn't an accident isn't working and, like always, I'm having problems with the opposite sex. I go through these phases where no one likes me and then all of the sudden it seems like too many people do. Knowing me.. when more than one person acts on their feelings at one time I'll freak out and mess up things. fjasdkgjakd Oh well.. It's the SUMMER before my SENIOR year!! thinking? I think not. so now it's different just living and breathing to breathe

I saw a car wreck today. Right in front of me.. That could have been us I can't handle this.. I'll never forget the look on his face After school today.. I was driving to get some lunch and a car ran the red light in a major intersection. The car "t-boned" someone at full speed and I barely avoided it myself. My friend was in the car with me and I just snapped in to some weird personality and took control. I shifted to park and ran towards them with my cell. It didn't take long for the ambulance to get there.. but he was so scared. He was lying in his car in the most unnatural position because he hit his head and I don't think he knew what was happening.. so scared.. He looked like my father. We were going in a group of about ten people.. so everyone waiting at the light behind me were my close friends. They had to watch it.. so helpless.. so scared. The paramedics said that I was in shock.. I don't want to think about this anymore.. but I can't stop. I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered.. because I can't explain what happened and I can't take the pain away. Oh God, I hope he makes it.

I've really have to stop taking these morbid quizzes.. and everything else that I did this weekend. You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.Suicide80%Gunshot73%Posion73%Disappear73%Bomb60%Stabbed60%Eaten47%Drowning47%Accident33%Suffocated33%Cut Throat27%Disease20%Natural Causes20%How Will You Die??created with QuizFarm.com That made me think of this song: How do you get that lonely? How do you hurt that bad? To make you make the call, that having no life at all, is better than the life you had. How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows? I have REALLY not been myself lately. Before friday.. I had never been drunk or anything else too serious before. I got drunk on friday.. and saturday; thanks to my friend's parents being out of town. And to top that all off.. Jacob was the only guy that I've ever let do anything to me. I feel like i'm a terrible person.. I know that everyone else does it but that doesn't mean that I should. I miss being me.

There are too many words that I wish you never meant.. but they're just words.. and I'm just me. I'm in an advanced English class, and one day about two weeks ago we had to write an entire narrative on our computers in class. Holy crap that was hard! For me, and most people, it is easier to write about pain than anything else. Jacob has caused me the most pain.. so I wrote 5 pages of pain for an hour. Definitely my most depressing work. I wrote about what we were, are, and what I think we are going to be. Here are some excerpts from my paper.. sorry if they don't make sense out of context. "By now the tears themselves had become painful. It was as if they were needles flowing around the curves of her cheeks in obvious contempt for the place on which they tread. Even they hated her for what she had done to him." Someone once wrote: Times takes it all whether you want it to or not. Times takes it all. Time tears it away. And in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we lose them there again. "Some lives are wasted thinking about what might have been or what could have been. The possibility is what keeps most going; not the guarantee of better days that have yet to come." Tonight at church was wrong is so many ways. Jacob is still not a member of my church but he brought his new girlfriend.. to my church.. where he knew that I would be. He was practically begging for us to fight. But as odd as it sounds, I felt more comfortable around her than I felt around him. I wanted to hate her.. she had taken my love and my best friend away from me. I don't know.. I just DON'T. I can't think about this anymore. Everything was starting to become so perfect again and I'm not going to let my smile leave without a fight this time. I've met someone new.. and we're doing awesome. I will learn to forget him like he has forgotten me.