so this past weekend was amazing. i suppose i should recap... there's a guy i had been getting to know... he is now my boyfriend or rather has been for about a month now. he came up to visit me this weekend. on friday when he got here he had roses for me. i actually cooked dinner. stuffed peppers, stuffed bread, sauteed mushrooms and four cheese tomatoes. i even made enough for a couple of the girls to have dinner and it was the rave for the night so i guess i can cook afterall. the whole night was absolutely wonderful. saturday morning we got on the bus at 7 to head to atlantic city and got to go in the casinos, walk on the boardwalk etc but my favorite part was when he and i rode horses on the beach... i mean how many people really get to do that??? it was amazing. hah we were a little tipsy on the bus ride back but when we got back we went to the convenient, bought more alcohol and a group of us hung out drinking and having fun....speaking of wonderful he is on the phone now

mmmm so this weekend has been alright. hung out with the girls yesterday.. ordered chinese and watched movies and than in the evening we drank which was pretty fun. Got a call from Marshall - he's such a sweetheart... hah gettig used to talking to him on a daily basis-cant wait to see him again. its interesting... i dont think im the prettiest girl here but i did think it was interesting when one of trina's friends called her cell phone asking me out on a date... craziness-but flattering. im getting a little frustrated with school, i am ery ready for it to end... even if its just for this semester. too much to do! i feel so far behind... probably because i kinda am. i just need to organise myself better. i have to start looking into grad schools during winter break. i really dont know if that is what i am going to do because i dont know that it is something i can afford to do right away. plus... who knows where things might end up with marshall and i... im pretty optimistic... he and i are taking things pretty slow due to our own past dating experiences so its cool... but i really do miss him alot. He'll be 24 this december and will have graduated... i admire him because he'll have his own place and already hae his career set - very goal oriented. He wants to try to do a demo together which i think would be pretty cool... whether or not it will happen is debateable but the idea is fun. its freezing cold in this room... i guess im going to have to invest in getting a heater for the room. reception here sux too i have to stick my head out the window in order to talk on my cell phone - glad i finally decided to get a dorm phone. alright well im about to head to dinner with the girls and than hopefully i can motivate myself enough to study and get some work done. oh yea.. i start my job at the day care center tomorrow... wish me luck!

things are going well my way... keeping busy with school, went to indiana pa last weekend and the weekend prior i was in lancaster.... really hate going by the exit for tower city but watcha gonna do? am going to atlantic city on november 12th so i am excited. hoping to get back to indiana before the semester ends. midterms have just finished so this year is really going to fly by. we had our haunted house tonight and last night... made around 300 bucks all the money is going to kids with cancer. last time i tried posting an entry here it owuldnt post, i guess it was too long.. probably better that way, i was a little tipsy that night. im going to get some shut eye for once.. perhaps sleep until noon.

i know... the pic is still there but i amwithout a laptop right now and i need a new pic to replace it with... am working a lot these days. working about 60 hours this coming week... the more i work the better. i am anxious for classes to start that way i have somethign to focus on other then trying to figure out what the hell happened to what i thought i was a good relationship. if it had anything to do with anth then that is stupid because even if i had spoken to him it was nothing beyond friends... and even in that sense it wasnt a friendship because he would talk about hte recent girls he fucked... why would conversation like that make me interested in him? if i missed him that much would i have dumped him for matt?? doesnt matter because right now in my book guys are all the same and even if he says i did nothing wrong ... its stupid because why would you give something good up? and if he was lying then that is even stupider because i have no way of fixing what i dont know and anyways he used to talk to kelly and she would call at the most inconvenient moments. yes... i got jealous... with good reason... and if they are the reasons that we broke up its fucked up. if it had to do with talking about being together then we are both at fault because he nver said lets not talk that way... in fact he was telling everyone just as much as i was telling everyone about him that i was supposedly the one. maybe all of it was just bad timing... damnit to hell though i cant get over him... he may as well have been my first because i certainly didnt feel this bad when anth broke up with me the day before my birthday. its been almost a month and ... i just dont get it. maybe someday someone will be able to explain that to me. what makes me so upset is that he didnt even want to try to fix things... i never cheated on him... i tried to treat him good... i can think of two fights we had which right now seem so ridiculous. grrr

feeling like shit..... someday... my dreams wont be taken advantage of. like to say thanks to a few people... jason amber and richard steven though i may not have many friends i am greatful to these four.

matt broke up with me on friday. no explanation... i cant eat or sleep... i never thought that was really possible but i really do feel like shit. i dont think ill be typing in here too much... jason if you read this... what is dennis's journal? going out for a drink with amber tonight. good thing i work this week... i need distractions

finals - thatsall i have to say.... but matt is coming up tomorrow to help me study for psychology. will probably be typing less on here...cant wait to go home on friday... 4 months for summer break! now i just need a job

so this has been an up and down weekend/week... past couple of days... yes that fits better. this weekend was a little... i dunno... there was only one part i wish hadnt occurred. but i cant change it and all i can do is hope for the best... even if i dont agree with it. so i guess i have to make this short... cuz erica is going to bed soon. i spoke to anthony today... it was a really good conversation. spoke to amber as well. so here is my agenda for the week. tomorrow (tuesday) up at 8, work study for two hours, down to the computer lab to work out problems for my take home stats final, study for spanish exam, take spanish exam at 6, start studying for english wednesday, study for english and history exams, if stats final is not finished, finish it, clean room up for inspection, thursday english and history final, matt is coming up... i dunno he has something up his sleeve, maybe relax by swimming in the pool, study for psych exam, friday, at 1 have inspection of room, psych exam at 2, at 4 going home!!!!!!! hah... grrr cant wait for thursday.... hopefully ill get some sleep tonight. gotta finish my apple and go to bed. goodnight everyone

if i have to study anymore my eyes are going to fall out of their sockets. tomorrow is my big history exam, cross your fingers for me. today i accomplished alot, best of all, i got to be outside. spoke to jason so things are smoothed over. we are supposed to go for breakfast saturday morning but that depends on whether or not i get to go to matts because right now he is sick and doesnt have a voice :( anyways, im tired, need to get some sleep.

so i just finished my paper for psychology of gender, i think it is a good paper, but we shall see. I had been trying to get ahold of matt for quite awhile but his brother was on the phone... doesnt matter same thing as last night - he was playing yuker. oh well. maybe im just over emotional for that certain reason that most girls are overly emotional. i just cant sleep much when he is not here and we always ended our day with conversation. plus since he started his job awhile back his schedule has been different so... definitely not many late night convos anymore. i tried to make an appointment today but they wont accept may appointments until may which is really annoying. i got my midterm back from english lit today- i was annoyed because i got a C+ this is bad for me, i was one point away from atleast a B-... i always get A's in english... geez it was the only thing i was good at. so i guess there might be hope for a B depending on how i do for the final. we are just finishing up Dracula right now - good book to anyone who likes vampires... i hate those kinda movies and books but now i actually want to see the movie. am not going clubbing on thursday... havent been sleeping well at all, at first i thought maybe it was the time change but my lack of sleep has occurred every night since. it makes me annoyed because i need it so badly... maybe it is because of the upcoming finals, but i dont REALLY feel stressed by them, just a little... ya know... like trying to pull my grades up as high as i can - not that they are bad but i always feel i can do better. i cant get rid of this damn knot in my back, matt massaged it out for me a little this past weekend but its back again ten times worse. i went to the gym today... really had debated on not going because of having to do my paper but i knew i would hate myself later if i didnt go -damn i hate media. so i went to get the stuff to clean the treadmill off when i was done and didnt see the damn weight holder and bashed my leg into it - so know i have a nice black and blue mark on my thigh. tomorrow morning i am getting up at 8 to go to the gym, from 9-10 there is an experimental psych thing going on that i want to catch so i know what to expect for next semester, then i have work study from 10-230, psych of gender class 3-4, then im hitting the gym for a long hard workout - i wanna feel the burn! yea... so then i guess i told someone in history i would give them the notes they missed but since my handwriting sucks im gonna have to type them out (arent i nice?) then i have a final for philosophy to study for which will be held on thursday - better to get it over with. It's on Plato, Theaurou, Martin Luther King, Locke, and Mills (basically theories on government)I guess somewhere in there i'll talk to matt - if he has time. i guess im gonna try to get some sleep. p.s. A - I'll reply to your last email when i get the chance, it may be a little late but i wont forget.

well i have a couple of minutes till my psych class begins so i thought i would update a little. this week is going by fast. tomorrow night after my classes matt is picking me up... i get to spend the entire weekend with him so i am pretty happy. tomorrow couldnt come fast enough. i have a stats and spanish exam back to back. so this toning thing is going great... i can already tell that the ab-work i have been doing is working. had this awesome dream last night that i was on a beach with matt and was modeling hah. this weekend he and i are definitely running!! i cant wait... ah especially cant wait for that massage.. damn knots in my back!! mmm ok... well i gotta go to class... than the gym and than back to studying.

ok... to the asshole who left the last comment its called glaucoma.... something anyone could inherit but it tends to happen to people who are born premature. it just so happens that before i knew i had it i had inflamation and hemorraging and so to bring the pressure in my eye down they gave me steroids to keep my pupil dilated only when they took me off of them they fucked up because i than had scarring which holds my lens open... so there is your answer to your question. happy easter to whoever cares

yea... i dont know why i am agitated... i think its just being back at school after this past weekend. luckily i go home for easter break on wednesday. so i guess anthony is not replying to me anymore... which i mean... i guess its ok to email once in awhile but at the same time space is good. i think this weekend was good for me because i put some things into perspective. one thing that has been bothering me about matt and my relationship is his smoking. i know he really is trying to quit and i think i dont give him enough credit. some comment he made saturday night bothered me. we had been to a little concert that night by a group called "Deep Incision" they are a young group gawd their vocalist is awesome in about two more years i imagine they'll make it big so look for the name. anyways... when we were getting ready for bed he said i smelled like cigarrette and i told him that now he knew how i felt...i shouldnt have said it so neither of us went to bed happy that night-but i guess there is a first time for everything. we talked after he got back from work on saturday so things are better. the weekend in general was relaxing. we rented a movie friday night and watched that. saturday we went to the concert and sunday was an easy day. iworked on school stuff and charcoaled as well as sat and talked to his mom in the kitchen for a couple of hours which seems to be a common thing between she and i. sunday night matt, two of his brothers, and myself played Haussey which i enjoy playing, only wish i were better at it so i could help whoever is my partner and win a few hands. last night was amazing though. i guess it was one of those days where you just realise what you have and... i dunno you can look at that person and never want to look away. we went to sleep around 3 i think which i guess could explain why i am a little tired but neither of us wanted to fall asleep on the other while we were talking all curled up. i miss him right now. i dont know where my roommate has run off to. its not like her to be out of the room past 11. ah well. ugh my computer is acting up gtg

so today it is pretty nice out. i cant wait for summer. there is a possibility matt and i will be going to arizona-we'll atleast go somewhere even if its just for a weekend. he and i are going to a small concert this weekend, possibly bowling with his cousin and some of his friends. id like to come back to scranton for the performance of "Carmen" so we'll see. my mind is a little boggled lately. i am going to assume that anth will invite sara to NC and thats fine... but than she'll be introduced to jasmine and... i dunno... if jasmine still misses me how can another girl be introduced its not my life. i now begin to wonder if i should have started contact again because i still feel involved where i have no right to be. but i guess i am passing judgment rather quickly because i dont know if that would actually happen... blah... im thinking too much it shouldnt matter to me anyways. i have my own life now. Matt and i are happy together and when i am not with him i miss him terribly. he has sacrificed so much for me. he is even considering getting a second job to help me out and i dont want him to because i am stubborn like that. this rollercoaster ride needs to end somewhere. im just in a rush to get life over with i guess... no im not talking suicide but i want my career and i want my family and my house and a husband who will love me unconditionally. oh well. i have to get to stats... more thoughts later.

well.... today was very busy but i found out i was given the loan i was hoping for. so that is a plus. the down side is now that if i get an apartment half my grant from school is taken away - needless to say i wont be getting my own apartment. i made a payment for my dorm room in the fall-hopefully ill get a single room if i cant get into specialty housing. well i was going to type something but my roommate eric was talking to me so now i forget. i went to the gym tonight, am trying to build back up to where i was before i had to be off my feet for 2 weeks. i sprinted for 15 minutes, jogged for 5 and walked 5 which felt really good. i also did ab work and push-ups. After that i went and sat in the sauna for 15 minutes but im still a little achey-this too shall pass i suppose. got my psych exam back and though it wasnt the best it was better than the last and i am still maintaing a B average in that class. I know i can bring it up to an A. I have one more test and my final is two test grades. i also have a paper to do yet and she counts class participation. two things i really need to work on right now are history(i was surprised there) and spanish. stats i know will be a continual struggle but i now know that it is something i can do ok in. I would love to bring my C+ up to a B and i definitely know it is doable. Wish i knew what i had in english but Dr. Bittel doesnt correct or give anything back until the end. I'm doing swimmingly in philosophy. I love that class. yesterday my prof Dr. Forley was talking about if he got paid 3 grande a week to be a rockette like his friend does, he would shave his legs, dress as a transvestite and maybe get a sex change operation just for the money and if his wife had a problem with it and said it was either him or the money he would say "hell with you, i need that 3 grande a week because i sure as hell dont get it working here!" ahhhh he is hilarious. somehow sex always comes up in his lectures which is too funny. he was talking about a dance recital type thing where a company from philly came in to perform and all he could think of was sex while watching it. haha. love that guy. so on friday matt is supposed to pick me up and at some point i think saturday evening we are going to a little concert nearby. i just hope we dont go to the bar this weekend - im tired of going and really im very sick of drinking. hmmm i have to pee and my roommate is in the bathroom-that sux, i hope she isnt going to take a shower. but yea... guess im gonna go for the night.

social class discrimination is a very big thing today. i realised that through two things... dating anthony... i am reminded of the rolls royce convention with the waitress who got coffee and refused to be tipped - i probably would have done the same thing had i of been in her shoes. also since i have come here to marywood... im sick of being on the bottom rung of the ladder. finding out that it will take 3 years to get my masters IF i get accepted into the graduate program has not made me happy. But i was blatantly told that only the top in the department get selected but than i wondered how many students had connections to get in because they had money. i dont need a ton of money to be happy - i have learned through others eyes that it holds true. but i have hopes to have that medium house dreamhouse and be able to afford it. i refuse to live in a rowhouse. i hate that i struggle to pay my tuition - i can barely afford to pay for my next fall semester so im cashing in my savings bonds and trying to find a job. if i dont get in to the masters program... what does that mean? i mean what exactly can you do with a bachelors degree in psychology... whats hardest of all is that i know my parents get aggrivated with me when i am upset about things like this but they wouldnt know anything about the pressures of college. thats what happens when you marry at 17 and 19, have four daughters and no furthered education. of course some people dont have to worry about this because of inheritance and good for you... but where does that leave people like me? yes i am being selfish in this entry because i am upset... oh well... im just tired of bending over backwards and not getting anywhere. sorry if this blurb upsets people, its not meant to offend its meant for venting.

SO... i received an email from Anthony. I have to say that for him to admit and say the things that he did took guts... and i am very greatful for that email. It still hurt because for some reason lately he is still in my dreams - a lot and i dont know why that is. i took a couple of trips through memory lane during break as well which... i dunno... i guess bothered me. I know he and i did not end on good terms but he and i had a lot of laughs together and he taught me a lot. i didnt expect the email at all. i dont know if that was why when i read it i teared up... but i know that ins some wyas there has been a weight lifted from my shoulder. ill always wonder what happened to him - whether he was happy in what he was doing. how jasmine were doing with i am sure what will be many boys chasing after her... hopefully she'll pick the right ones. so... i should be studying for a psych exam but ... this email i received totally blew me away and i cant think for anything but i feel that in my entries i did him wrong... many of which were typed out of anger but ... he was the bigger person and i am willing to admit that. he has taught me many things and i feel that since he and i broke up... i am more for myself than i ever have been - but than he always told me not to let people push me around... unfortunately i suppose in a way it started with him. thank you anthony if you read this for the email. ill never forget you and somehow you have opened my eyes a little to our relationship.... but i think between the both of us there are many mixed feelings about that... which i guess is ok... i just dont want there to be a grudge held. p.s. matt and i are still together

yep... its one of the pics matt and i had taken hehe ;)

this weekend was awesome. but since right now i dont feel very well ill just mention the major points. on friday Matt came up and we had our pictures taken professionally (they are awesome!! if i get the chance ill scan one and try to post it) we than went to his house which an hour and a half drive. when we got there we were sitting in the car. i was getting ready to leave the car but he told me not to move so i was sitting there and he was sitting in his seat deep in thought i think haha! but than he opened the glove compartment and pulled out a box and handed it to me. i opened it and than i closed it and opened it again and asked him what it was for. It was a beautiful silver ring with diamonds intertwined. It's a promise ring "A ring before the engagement ring" as he called it.so we went and got it sized... cant wait to get it back so i can show everyone. saturday night he and i did a lot of running around but that night we went to the jug for the valentine's dance. i guess the drinks started to go down a little too easy for me. I ended up having 9 rum and cokes and a shot of tequila... needless to say i was very sick and he literally carried me out of the bar and back to the house where he put me to bed and took care of me.. i felt so bad, but seriously.. i didnt realise how much i had to drink... luckily i was in good hands. i cant wait for this week to end because than ill only have 4 more days until spring break!! this semester is flying by. i miss my baby.

its been awhile since i have updated so here is what has been up. yesterday matt got in to a car accident.i was very upset especially since i am stuck here at school and was unable to be there for some sort of support. he says he is just really beat up and the car is totalled but grrr... i dont even want to think about what could have happened. still go to the gym every night.. i find it helps get some things off of my mind. i dont know for sure... maybe it was sarcasm but i got an im from anthony today - which was very out of the blue but maybe it has been decided between both of us that it all was very inevitable. he did say that he guessed he needed his rebound too but the only difference in that is that matt is not a rebound - im crazy in love with him and i dont think i could have found a better match. when matt told me he had been in an accident, that his car was pushed off the road by a trailer and he rolled... even though i knew i wanted him in my life - that made it run even deeper which i didnt think was possible but i dont think i can imagine life without him. he is very supportive of me, especially when it comes to school and deciding what to do about the surgery i am considering having done. id say overall i am content in my life right now. school work keeps coming but i feel very motivated to do it. i have found through a survey i recently had to do for stats that most marywood students have a gpa close to 4.0 and even though i am not one of them it really makes me want to be one of them. i have not partied at all this semester and i dont intend to. i still get the phone calls every thursday night saying "lets go clubbing" but the thing of it is, when i go out i drink and why would i ruin all my hard work in the gym over a drink? also i am very determined to do well grade wise this semester and sticking with the books. i may not go out a lot but i have good dorm mates, i feel good physically and mentally, i have a stable relationship and i work on campus. i am very content with life right now... a little anxious to get the school thing over with but if i make a good effort i may finish sooner than i think.