i cant sleep... i figure it's because i dont have the comfort of Matt's arms wrapped around me - going back to school will be hard. i wont be able to see him as much, but i know that he will make the effort to see me. atleast with fridays off ill have more of a chance to see him. so.... i did something tonight that i thought id never be able to do. i removed anthony from my life... by this i mean ifinally deleted all the pictures and anything related to him... i guess its called officially letting go. looking at the pics one last time made me sad. not for him but for his daughter - i feel like i let her down more than anything. i feel sad for the good memories that there were - though there were not as many as there were sad, frustrated angry ones. being with matt has shown me how much i missed being able to be me. to curl up and talk for hours, to not have to always look perfect or be perfect to be accepted. to not always be the one to go out of my way to make someone happy. dont get me wrong, anthony and i were happy when we started off... but near the end i just realised how unhappy i had become... being with him even made my self esteem go down - i was never good enough for him but thats ok because he wasnt good enough for me - i deserved better. i wish i had listened to everyone else when they told me that. it still hurts to think about it.... i still tear up but at the same time i am so happy right now. i am so glad that i made the decision i did or else id still be being used and mistreated - even verbally abused... though im sure anth never saw it.. i still dont consider being called a cunt something to joke around about. matt - from the moment we first spoke and met... i cant stop smiling. there are hours of conversation between us and so much affection. i have never for once felt like i owed him something or had to do something to please him or he would be upset. i know that i am able to give much and receive as much if not more back. i did it... i finally did it... anthony is no more... tomorrow the pictures disks will snap in two and other pictures torn in two. why keep memories of things that hurt so much?? is it not enough that i just remember him as my first and nothing more?? it hurts too much. he just wantedto have fun and i knew that... for some reason i thought i could change that... i was very stupid but i dont plan on making the same mistake again.