It was one of those regular summer storms. It would get so dark that it looked all blue-black outside, and lovely; and the rain would thrash along by so thick that the trees off a litle ways looked dim and spiderwebby; and here would come a blast of wind that would bend the trees down and turn up the pale underside of the leaves; and then a perfect ripper of a gust would follow along and set the branches to tossing their arms as if they was just wild; and next, when it was just about the bluest and blackest-ffst! it was as bright as glory, and you'd have a little glimpse of tree tops a-plumging about away off younder in the storm, hundreds of yards further than you could see before; dark as sin again in a second, and now you'd hear the thunder let go with an awful crash, and then go rumbling, grumbling, tumbling, down the sky towards the underside of the world, like rolling empty barrels downstairs-where it's long stairs and they bounce a good deal, you know.-pg79

So. It's been two years since I've posted....I'm back sit.diary. Oh, do I have so many things to tell you, diary. So many deep dark secrets. I think I've ruined my life. I honestly didn't expect to live this long. I'll be twenty two in a couple weeks. Good god. No one expected me to make it past eighteen. Well, like my momma always said, I'd cut my nose off to spite my face. Expect more updates soon, diary. I can't wait for you to fuck me up.

I totally feel like I'm not where I want to be in life. I hurt so bad, mentally and physically. My spirit is just crushed. Nothing goes right anymore. Getting high seems like more work than just staying sober but no one else in my life apparently feels the same. I wonder where he's at 'cause he said he didn't know where he was staying if I wasn't with him...but I can't be with him tonight. Not like this. Screaming fighting about inconsequential bullshit & I guess he's getting fucked up still. I'm so scared of my life sometimes.

My friggin mouth hurts!

Hello hello sit diary, it's been a while. Happy new year, I hope you're doing well. I wish I could say my life was bustling with new opportunities and happiness and that's why I've not written to you in so long, but that would be a lie. I flunked out of college because I was addicted to cocaine and partying. My body hurts constantly, so I go twice a week to the chiropractor. Yes, it's that bad. I substitute teach at the schools now, because I need the money. I was dropped from my mom's insurance and my doctor bills went through the roof. I have a lot of medical problems diary. I look back at this diary and the years I wrote in it. How I've grown and changed, and then it seems changed back again. I'm not happy with my life. Sometimes I am, but not usually. I'm about to take a pain pill. Because that seems to be the only constant in my life anymore.

SNAPE dies in CHAPTER 32 for HARRY at VOLDEMORT'S hand. Over a dozen of our characters die in the 7th book..... Now you don't have to buy the book.

Happy 4th!! I watched the fireworks on the side of highway 82 in the back of my truck with my boyfriend and Joey. I wouldn't have traded that for anything in this world.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. THIS WHOLE WEEK IS FULL OF FAIL!

By myself until Friday. I get to play house maker all week, aw. Weekend. Slightly cool.

It finally rained yesterday. There was a mass panic and a covering of band equipment, a mad rush to cover ensued.. Maybe it is enough. Oh, and. OF ALL THE DAYS TO PICK A FIGHT WITH ME IT HAS TO BE ON MY BIRTHDAY? YOU SHIT SWALLOWING WHOREBAG. IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH I'D HAVE LEFT WAY BEFORE NOW. We don't do well together drunk, especially with tequila. Coke was involved, of course, so he did his whiny 'i'm a bitch' thing and got some too. I think. Whatever. It's so hot in this house I can't breath.

Well, that fire is getting dangerously close to us. It's so smoky here. We really really need rain. Nowhere in sight. On another note; my birthday is in four days. Glee.

Weekend. Party? Oh yeah you know. I seized again this week. It's starting to scare me. Momma wont listen to me though, so I'll just have to get better on my own. I'm just afraid I'll be driving next time it happens. That makes me wary of driving all the time. Fight? It'll most likely happen. I just don't want him going back to jail. That's hard to deal with. Brit just called. Haven't heard from her in a while. Today's her birthday. Trying to get me to go to the club. Tempted. Hmm

NO MORE ALCOHOL NO MORE COCAINE. Please, guys, stop giving me this shit. I can't keep getting this fucked up. I can't believe I seized. For no reason. It should have waited until I actually got more than a bump, but whatever. No more 2am puking in friend's trailers. No more 'let's take a shot!!' every ten minutes. Just no. But I like it so. Made a promise of sorts. There were a lot of promises going around last night. And anger. Drama. God, drama. Hmm.

BRAINS

First day of Spring Break 07. Started off with a Dentist appointment at 10 and I've done nothing since but lay out and listen to music. I'm getting a pretty good tan but I wont be satisfied until I'm dark as a Mexican hah. He just called me, apparently didn't feel like working today. Don't blame him. I'm going to get a shower and make another drink.

SO fucking pissed off right now. I took a bean an hour and a half ago and I'm not feeling it. It took me three hours to get it and when I went back my boyfriend was gone. I have no idea where he's at and I know it's my fault for being gone so long but goddamn I got one for him too. I gave that to Bri. Damn, she owes me so much money. I paid off her and Jessica's drug dealer so I could get something and I ended up giving her his bean when I shouldn't have. I was just upset. And now I wish I had it. DAMMIT. I'm upset and broke now and not even high. ARGH!!! You just don't know how I feel right now. Peachy peachypeachypeachypeachy I wish I had gone to that guys house and did his coke. Then maybe I wouldn't be like this right now. I WOULDN'T BE AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW EITHER. I miss my babe. : edit He called me...went to the river, had fun I guess. I wish I could have went with him. I wish I could go over there now, but apparently not happening. I fucking hate myself. man.

I feel so vague. Like a huge hole has been ripped in my heart and I can't feel anything at all. I'm so fucked up right now I can't even sit up right, right. All these little things are hurting me, gnawing like rats on my soul but I can't be bothered to care. I just cover them up with tar and close my eyes to pretend I'm not really here. Is that how it's going to go? Running away from my problems creating problems so I have a reason to indulge in my habits? pills pills little red pills, blue, green, white pills, smoking trees, weed weed weed, six lines in a row here's your straw go at it. Can't sleep don't eat get skinny(er) I have to get up early in the morning for school. When did I become a waste of time? I guess time and life passed me by when I was smoking pot in the back yard, hauled ass to Mexico without me and now I'm stuck in this shithole with no idea how to go on. What choices to I make now? Where do I turn? How could I have possibly fucked up this much in this short amount of time? I'm fucked up right now I hate the feeling but I'm beginning to love the sting. destroy destroy destroy

Irritation

I'm so pissed at him right now. We were suppose to do something Friday because he had the money and he wanted to take me out...he never called(which really isn't that big of a surprise, it happens every weekend). . I hate how I let him fuck off every weekend and then see him on Sundays and all of it be ok. But he didn't call me Sunday and it's fucking ripping me apart. I hate myself for believing him and being disappointed at things I already know he'll do. I hate that I love him and am so PATHETIC!. This has happened every weekend almost since we've been together..four months more or less. ARGH. I hate his fucking alcohol his friends and his fucking weed. I hate that sometimes when I go and see him he's too fucked up to remember that I was there. I hate that I don't say too much about him lying about seeing me on the weekend I hate that I stress over it even though I know it's going to happen. I hate the way he claims he cares but I never know where he's at or what he's doing. I hate the way, when he thinks I'm not paying attention, he whispers that he loves me and will never hurt me. I hate that he's the biggest disappointment in my life but also who I want to be with, above all others. I don't cry a lot...my body doesn't let me...but I've cried over him and that hurts I just wish I knew how to fix this.

College is sort of hard. But not really. I don't know... I need a job, like bad. I need gas and cigarettes 'cause they make my world go 'round and the lack thereof is saddening. Food, I don't need so much anymore. Drugs would be great too, I've been straight for like a week and it's not pretty(but I think I'm acting normal now which scares me)...Mine should have some today. Maybe? You know, people say I don't really express my emotions to them. Like, I love Jamie but I don't really say it that much(or talk at all for that matter)but I really, really, [really] do. D' use to say that too and I'm just sorry but you all usually fuck me over after you know how I feel. Excessively. Happily. Argh. In other news, I'm going to kill Anthony the fagot because he thinks he can screw me out of 20 bucks and I'm not going to get them back? I didn't get my vodka so give me back my money you know. A group of us are going to find him today. Not that I need a group but fags and fat chicks have a tendency to be (a HELL of a lot) bigger than me, considering I'm a 100 pound nothing. And I'd like a show when I get my money back.