OMG! I want to have sticky, sloppy sex with Jake RIGHT NOW!!! Oooooohhhhh............ So frustrating.

Well, all is good. I leave for San Antonio in like 2 and a half weeks. Jake and I are back together and very much in love. Like you wouldn't believe. I live with Dani now I have severed ties with my parents (temporarily...) and I am enjoing my freedom. And enjoying Jake, if you know what I mean... lolz. I no longer work at Williamson's, Yesterday was my last day, I'll miss them all very much with the exception of Scott and Mark, of course. (They were so mean.) Jake is picking me up at 2pm-ish for the Baccalaureate (sp?) thing. I hope we get to hang out a while before and after... G2g, Sam

My last entry didn't ave. Damn it all. I have to do homework. *sigh*

I want to go to the Medieval Faire so bad. I prolly won't be able to though. That sucks. I want to buy a corset. Oh, I got my W2 yesterday. I made four thousand something dollars in 2006. So I get like $330 back. Coolness. I'm gonna go to the bank and open a checking/savings account. I'm gonna go and delete friends that havent updated in the past 3 months or have privatized their diaries.....

I guess I overreacted a bit yesterday. I'm sure Mark didn't mean anything by it... I've been feeling low lately, that's all.

Well, it has been quite a while since I've written. Jake and I are really over this time. We broke up for the last time in September. He's dated 2 girls and he's still with the second, Megan Watkins. I have dated no one. But therre's Mark Manning..... That's going nowhere. Then this morning he says to me, "You need a new jacket. This one looks like it came from the family dollar." 1.) I like my hoodie. 2.) It didn't come from the Family Dollar. I got it at Bealls. 3.) I don't give a damn what other people think about what I wear. I wear it for me. Not them. 4.) I don't need a new one. I guess Mar is a stuck up little bastard. I guess he thinks I am a cheap little bitch, unworthy of his time because I bought an item of clothing at an outlet mall, and it cost less than $30. The fact that that particular comment was made doesn't bother me. The fact that Mark said it does bother me. I thought he was cooler than that. Oops. I was wrong. Like I'm wrong most of the time when it comes to the male gender. So, after he said that I told him he was stuck up and he's like, "I don't know what tha means." Seriously? OMG. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we? Then Iput on my headphones and proceeded to ignore him. I guess he didn't get it because when I leaned my head against the window, he put his head on my shoulder. I was so mad that I cried. I cried from Ochwilla to the bus loop, and although he was leaning on my shoulder, he never even noticed. Good. Fucking insensitive male bastard.

Well, it seems odd, at least to me, but I'm tired of trying to think up ways to piss Jake off. I think that the more I try, the more obsessed I will become. I don't want to be obsessed. I hate being obsessed. It takes up way too much time and leaves me feeling too empty to really think it's worth it.

Me: Devin, Ok, so Jake was a mistake. Or at least he was the third and fourth time. And things never go the way they'er supposed to. .................... ok. let me get to the point of this note here... Me: I don't know how Jake does it. Somehow in between our past spurts of "togetherness" he manages to squeeze in 1 or 2 girlfriends. How is it he can get someone and we can't? That really pisses me off. We are so much cooler. Or at least we won't be cheaters. Devin: Very true! I've wondered the same thing. It's like every time he thinks another girl would suit him better, he's got her within the week! And I've got to be nice and coutreous and funny and write fucking poems and songs and really sweet notes. Fuck that! Fuck that shit! Damn him. And furthermore he (from what I've know) cheats on most of them and treats them crap and yet they still line up like those little duckies at tha fair!

I'm really glad for all the lovely support from the peeps on Mr Walker's forum... Me:Hey, do you guys think it's o good idea to break up with someone in a note? Isn't it better to do so to their face? I got dumped with a note and that fact has been bothering me. Just so you know, if you don't, I'm the Sam who is now known as Jake's ex. I feel like I didn't mean enough to him for him to extend the courtesy to break up with me face to face. Some other things about our past "relationship" bother me too, but I won't post them yet, if at all. Gigi: Wow...I know you, and that is ridiculous, I can't believe Jake. Face to face would have been much more needed especially because of how long ya'll were together. Well, if you don't know who Gigi is, It's Ginger Leah: Face to Face... no doubt... btw, if you don't remember, I'm the chick who you hugged and played with her hair the other day... (Sean's gf) but, cha, d00d's are jerks... expecially if they go and do somethin' lika' dat' Jessie2:HEY SAM!!! (Jessie from the bus, der) Yea, considering all the .... "ness" you guys have been through in the past, there's absolutly no excuse for being that way to you. Honestly... at the begining of the year, after all that happened last year, I was wondering WHY you were going out with him again. *Shrugs* I know peple can't help who yas like. I LOVE YOU SAM! *hug* B.C. Kiefy: Ouch leah. Under specific circumstances I can see it being understandable but just a standard break up I say it is not acceptable. Ok I'm officially going to sound like an idiot when you say jake do you mean the tuba player jake? Leah: *rephrase* d00d's can become jerks when put in a position of high-standing or even mild power(sorta like a relationship)(the rage of jerkiness ranges from d00d to d00d)... chill Brandon... I'll be completely honest, there is not ONE SINGLE GUY I've EVER met, that at some point has NOT been a jerk to me or a girl that I/they know. kay? Jessie2: I've NEVER met a chick that's never been a jerk to someone either though, being a jerk is in human nature and is sometimes necessary Leah: cough* missing the objective *cough* B.C. Kiefy:she is right though leah Me: I really luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuve you guys! I feel better though. (yeah, jake is the tuba player. Emphasis on player.) Me: "I've NEVER met a chick that's never been a jerk to someone either though, being a jerk is in human nature and is sometimes necessary. "-Jessie2 Yeah, I've had my moments too. But I never cheated!!

Unbe-freakin-lievable. But in a good way. Okay. (don't hit me: Lindsay and whoever else told me not to do what I did) But I have decided to give Jake “another chance” as he so aptly put it. I told him I’d give him another chance if he understood that I don’t fully trust him. He said he did and that trust is something he’ll have to earn. Unfortunately, things are a little awkward. But I guess that’s understandable. I'm pretty happy about it. But the 'rents will flip out. *sigh* Well, I guess I could not tell them... But.... idk.

Ya know... it really sucks. We are friends and it hurts. Somewhere, far away from here I saw stars, stars that I could reach It was a midnight, a silent twilight Fell down, beyond the ocean beach I assemble all the sand that cover wedding beaches To build a castle so your mom would have a place to stay Behind the water slide and down the hill where heaven reaches Land and time is left to float away So rest assured I have the key to every opening To every wishing well that’s deep enough to drink I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is When earth collides with all the space between I’m reaching farther than I ever have before Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore I may be some sort of crazy We may be some sort of crazy But I swear on everything I have and more So never look behind you, spooky people bring you down The world is ending there’s a party by the bay I’ll wear my suit and tie, would I get by and toasting to The way you put that smile upon my face Fill up the air balloon and ride with me Yeah heaven’s jealous of the rain Make love like time and space is ending While befriending fate’s alluring way of putting us to shame I’m reaching farther than I ever have before Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore I may be some sort of crazy We may be some sort of crazy But I swear on everything I have and more You make the sound of pulling heaven down You brought the rain’s romantic pour You make the sound You make the sound Of pulling heaven down I’m reaching farther than I ever have before (god I’ve reached the top) Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore I may be some sort of crazy We may be some sort of crazy But I swear on everything I have and more

Well, I got a job at Williamson's in Melrose. I don't hate it so I guess that's a good thing. I'm making money. That's a bonus. My last paycheck was 205.18. Yeah.

Well, I just got back from the dean's office. Burnette and Harper wanted to make sure that I was ok and that I wasn't going to fight her (jenna the skank). I also told them that it wasn't just her that I was mad at. It was Jake and the people who were spreading rumors, too. I'm mostly mad at Jake for leading me on for 6 fucking months. He stopped liking me in fricken November!! Why the hell didn't he tell me. I feel so used. But I'm getting over it I think. Jake just wasn't who I thought he was. He wasn't as I saw him. I hope next time I'll be able to open my eyes and see the person I think I care about. (Except that I did care about him and I stillcare for him, though I don't know why.) And I musn't forget My absolutely Groovy friends. Thaks you guys for not letting me tear the slutqueen's perky blonde head off. I love you guys!

Well, I knew it would come to pass. Jake broke up with me yesterday. "I don't care what people are saying. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry." Yeah, well that makes two of us. As it turns out, he hasn't liked me since November. But instead of telling me and breaking it off, he just led me on blindly. I was devoted. Completely. I love him. That's right. Present tense. And it sucks. I can't seem to control myself. Just ask Rikki and Mary. We all had the same lunch today. And guess who else had 2nd lunch. Yep. That's right. Jenna of Slutland. Mary and Rikki were each on one side of me holding me down. I wanted to jump the wall of the senior section and rip her slut head off her skank shoulders. Oh, and earlier, I saw them (Jake and Queen Slut) walking together and Katrina put her arms around me until we were past them. Then I turned around a moment later to go and be violent but Mac pulled me around so I went to new hall bathroom and had a homicidal spaz attack. Why must my emotions be so out of control?? I want to trade in my sorrow for some deep physical pain. That means it's time to go "break another razor." Yee-haw! Paaaaartay! I much prefer the sting of the razor over the sting of the heart. I need a hole in the head to match the hole in my heart. Oh, and Lindsay told me that Jake said when I dropped his backpack that contained his precious camera, he wanted to punch me. I wish he would have.

This morning was terrible. It can only get worse from here. I wasn't expecting him to be here today. But he was. And she was next to him. Kady and I passed a note 1st period: "Me: So what happened earlier? Kady: Me and Mac went over there and it looked like they were holding hands, but I'm not sure. Then Mac said something like"shouldn't you wait till you break up with Sam before you do that?" Then they went into the rumors about Brett and we told him about the rumors we heard about him and jenna. Me: What did he say about the rumors about him and jenna? Kady: That they weren't doing anything until he heard about you and Brett. Me: There WAS NO ME AND BRETT!! Brett told me yesterday that people had been asking him if we were going out. He told me that Kevin Gilbo asked him more than once. Somebody is gonna get hit... I don't know what to do. Kady: That's what Mac told him and then he said something, but I didn't hear what it was, to Mac. She told him to tell you not her. Then he got up and went to you. We went over to Brett, talked to him, and he said it wasn't true and ranto you and Jake. But then the bell rang." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rumor has it (I'm making it clear that I'm not sure if this is true) that Jake cheated on me three times that I may or may not know about and he feels no remorse. I did bring this upon myself, didn't I?

Okay. I have to ground myself. I have to find my center. I have to ready myself for tomorrow... Or Wednesday... He might not come to school tomorrow. That would be good... that would be bad... I know that he's going to end it. I know and that should help when the time comes but it won't. I can feel it. I know it in the very depths of my soul. Yeah. Am I ready? No.

Well, maybe not. There probably isn't any hope. I talked to Lindsay last night. She heard about Jake saying that he didn't like me. She told me that Jake had said that he didn't want to be "bothered" on the trip. So now I'm a bother. Well, I guess I shouldn't have tried to talk to him over the phone. I should've waited until he came back. I should know that he wouldn't cheat on me unless he has a reason.... He's mad at me now so the probability of him doing so has risen. Lindsay said Jake said he'd settle this when he gets back. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. But let's face it.... He's done with me.... At laest I can be prepared.... Though it's not going to make it any easier.... I'm keeping my fingers crossed so that everything might turn out all right...

Matt said that he talked to Jake around 10 pm last night. He told me that Jake said that I was worried that he'd cheat on me and that I shouldn't be, but the fact that I am worried about that has made him mad. So maybe he didn't say what Rick told Brett Jake said. Or, if Jake did say it, maybe it was just out of anger...... Bridges burned, fingers crossed.....

5:20am Thurs. May 11, 2006 This sucks so bad. Ok. Brett told me that on sunday Jake and Jenna (my b/f, his g/f) were holding hands at church. Brett said that Jenna sounded really happy about it. Brett mentioned to Jenna the fact that she and Jake would both be going to Canada on the Band Trip. Jenna said, "I know," in a really enthusiastic voice, according to Brett. Then he told me that Jenna could not promise that nothing would happen between her and Jake. (I'm in tears by this time.) So Brett broke up with her. So yesterday (after I found all of this out) during 2nd period I used Michelle's phone to call Rick's cell. I asked if he could let me talk to Jake. So when I spoke to Jake, I asked him what was going on between him and Jenna. He said "Nothing." I don't remember the rest of the conversation. The class was loud and the signal was bad. Later that day, I was thinking about the whole hand-holding-at-church thing. Well they were at church. And people hold hands at church, right? So maybe Jake and Jenna were just doing the church-hand-hold-in-a-group ritual and Jenna just made it sound like it was more than it actually was. But I was told about a letter or letters between Jake and Jenna. She said she liked him. He said he liked her but didn't want to hurt me or ruin our relationship or something. I hate all this he said-she said crap. It's so confusing. Then last night Brett called me and said that Jenna called him to bitch him out for calling Rick 5 times to talk to her. Jenna said That's what Rick told her. That pissed Brett off, now he wants to kick Rick's arse for lying, but Jenna could be lying about Rick, right? Oh, and get this: That bitch had the nerve to saythat what happens between her and Jake is no one's business but their own and that brett had "no right" telling me anything. Bullshit. I want to choke that nasty chicken neck of hers. Jake is MY BOYFRIEND!! I will not stand by and let her waltz in and steal Jake form me. Who does that slut think she is??Then, later, Brett called me again and said that Jake was as good as dead or something. "Why?" I asked. He then told me that he was told that Jake didn't want/like me anymore. I almost died, right there on the phone. I couldn't hear if he had talked to Jake directly or if someone told him that Jake said it. I lost the signal and got ready for bed.I cried myself to sleep as quietly as I could. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5:43am And another thing. I shouldn't have called Rick to talk to Jake. I feel bad for making him a go-between and getting him tangled in this mess, he doesn't deserve this. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6:53am Just talked to Brett. Last night he talked to Rick. Rick was the one who told Brett that Jake said he didn't like me anymore. Well, hell. I don't know if Rick would lie... I gotta talk to Jake. Face to face.

This morning was so crappy. Brett told me that his former gf, Jenna, was holding hands with Jake. My boyfriend. He told me that this happened before the two of them (Brett and Jenna) had broken up. Like two days ago, or something. At church. She also told him that she could not promise him (Brett) that nothing would happen between her and Jake on the Canada trip. That is why they broke up. After I found that out, I started wigging out. I was curled up in a semi-ball on the bus, crying. And now Jake is on his merry way to Canada. With Jenna, presumably. They're both in band but I don't know whether or not they're on the same bus. Oh, and Jenna let Heather Rome read a note to her from Jake. Heather said that it said something about how Jake liked Jenna but did not want to hurt me or whatever. So, second period I finally got a hold of Jake (Thanks Michelle, for the use of your phone) via Rick's phone number. (Called Rick's phone, let me talk to Jake) I asked him, "What's going on with you and Jenna?" He said, "Nothing." I want to believe him but I am so scared. I don't want to lose him. Friends have been telling me to dump him. Forget about him. But I can't. I won't. I feel like I'm going to die. I want to. Oh. And another thing. If Jake likes Jenna, why'd he let us get back together? Whywhywhywhywhy? O me miseram!!!