Hello :) forgive me blog for i have sinned, it has been 6 months since my last entry. Quick update: School - oh just don't ask Friends - amber left for uni which clearly sucks, alice is nice some of the time but we've gotten too distant to make up for it, don't really know who my friends are, everybody's changing i guess. Boyfriend - no longer, i've got so much on, and there's hardly time for me to even spend sleeping let alone making time for someone else, it wasn't fair on either of us so i had to end itw i think it's not so bad anymore, he's talking to me again at least, and he is a great friend so i hope we can work it out. other shit - meh. lots to do. in fact i should be finishing homework right now but oh well. I'm sure i'll manage it soon enough. what i really want to do is have the time to just cry and cry and get over myself. I have a lot of resentment for who i am at the moment and i just wish i had the time to give myself a kick up the arse and stop being so pathetic and self centered really. then i can deal nwith the other important stuff without this vanity project getting in the way. for now my dahlings mwah xXx

Wow.... I was wandering round t'internet and wondered if my old blog was still open and here it is. Two years of my life I'd all but forgotten about, documented here. WELL, to update, I had my 17th Birthday yesterday, Amber and Sam and Bart took me out to Drayton Manor, blindfolded and utterly confused :) my friends are fabulous, and so is my boyfriend. I have to start thinking about *UNI* and scary sh*t like that now. That terrifies me, because I;ve become a marginally less interesting person since you last heard from me. Well, not inside,. but on paper I have. I've been in a few things, took the lead role for the Criterion Theatre's "Daisy Pulls It Off", and sang Frumah Sarah for the National Youth Music Theatre, to name a couple. Both incredible, and I cant wait for the next thing (Mary Mooney in "Once A Catholic") I still haven't been able to get the funds to learn Trapeze, and I've got a little less flexible and slightly less fit, although come to think of it, I reckon I was pretty unfit at my last entry, I went sport mad for a while, was doing all sorts, swimming, pilates, cycling, climbing, aerobics, running - RUNNING! ME! Anyway I sort of gave it up for a bit and never went back to it because my bike broke and that acted as a catalyst pretty much I'm supposed to be revising for my exams, and I'm doing much more than usual, but something tells me it's not going in. I spend every day in the cafe bar accross the road trying to make things click but it just doesn't stay. I just dont seem to be able to make myself care enough about the subjects. I do love studying them, just not this way. In other news, I had the best bath of my life today. Bart got me a pack of soaps/bath bombs/bubble bath slices/generally weird and wonderful stuff from LUSH, it's the best soap shop in the world, for my birthday. and It was almost as good a present as when I got taken out yesterday. Anyway, Id better be off and read now, sorry i cant tell you more, but you are an electronic blog and I am too tired to pretend this means something to anyone but me :P Night Doll xXx

How You Are In Love You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. How Are You In Love?

Just an update, things are going better than they were when i last wrote, chemistry today was better than i thought, but ive still failed, erm the nightmare is shrinking back into it's depths of malice from whence it came and im getting some peace for a bit...but im still very stressed out...i sort of snapped at a few people today, especially in the morning and i apologise... but ive found rozi's calculator!!!! and that makes me very very happy because its her dads old one and i thought id lost it and why the hell did she bring it to school if its so valuable the silly girl... anyway stephen is indirectly helping me to stop swearing which is very good...i just cant swear around him i said shit today and just felt a bit of an idiot really... i mean a well placed swear word for effect is great...or if your just in the kind of mood to swear after every other word. But i dont wanna use it too much. anyway history tomorrow which i have stopped caring about and thats bad because it mesna two hours of shaking and worrying myself to death and staring into the vast space of my grey, unemployed future... oh well.

Oh this isnt going to be a good week. I knew my exams would go downhill at some point... Maths today was the worst...i just sat there shaking, i couldnt hold the pen, I couldnt think of anything... I think i got about one question right in the whole thing. And all I wanted was to go to the library and cry and see amber and for it to be okay again but she didnt manage to be there and steven was there being jokey which i didnt mind but I had to make myself happy again because i cant cry in front of anyone apart from her... I sat there and looked at the notes benny had given me and i read the same page over and over againa nd nothig went in and i just kept panicking thinking how much worse its gonig to be when i get into the history exam and i dont know anything and ill ahve spent so long panicking about it and itll all be for nothing because i cant learn anything or any facts... they just dont stay in my head unless i force them and i havent got time to force every little fact into my head in the time i have, and i have to learn thses damn lines and miss rehearsal tomorrow when ive already missed one last tuesday and gennie wont be happy and its for this stupid belgrade thing where everyone's so damn competative and wont work together at all unless they think its going toget them something... And now i have to go to amber's to revise but im putting it off because i know i going to ahve to sit there not learning anything and re reading the same page again and again, just waiting until the next half an hour's gone by. And thanks to the stupid hospital, my mum hasnt got her medication until next week, so this week is going to be a hoot. And the best thing that happenned to me in months is slowly turning into a nightmare... And ive got this part that i wanted so much and now i dont think i can play her... im not good enough, ive never had any idea of what a professional productionis like to be in, let alone being the main part and i cant tell whether her criticising everything i do is just what happens because shes directing and she wants it to be perfect or whether shes regretting casting me in the first place... and i was in rock school on friday and i was doing so well, people looked impressed and everything and then today I go and screw it up and dan says it sounded the same both days, so does that mean I only think i did well on friday? Maybe i shouldnt be doing this, im noly setting myself up to screw up... What am i supposed to do? So much more stuff on top of this, everything is so urgent, everything wants to be first priority and I cant do it all at once... all i want to do is sit in the library with the people I trust and have a laugh and never have to worry about all this anymore... I hate being worried... I hate being stressed and down but I cant cope any other way...and i cant even do that any more i have to put on a happy face and say, no, im just tired and havent had such a good day, thats all...

I hate sounding like some stupid, looks obsessed little shit but maybe i dont care I feel ugly. Its not a complaint. its a fact so ugly I feel like no matter how hard i try im not going to get better I have no control I feel like i would never be good enough I work so hard to mould everything in my life into the story ive created in my mind But there are some things you just cant alter I felt, just for a few days like i could actually be as stunning as some people are I took a long hard look and realised i can never be my main character I realised im not a peaceful person I want to put my arm round her throat and elbow her in the head And i really did just say that. Dear God. I sometimes worry that im actually an incredibly angry, violent person, and one day i am going to SNAP.

Well i hope you got a kick out of it. I hope you enjoyed stirring it. I mean, i was angry enough at her, but that's to be expected. I didnt expect this. Well done, i thought i couldnt get more angry. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO HELP? You know, i could manage her. I was doing fine, ignoring her. What the fuck business of yous was it to get involved? I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU I just want to scream at you, Im actually shaking with anger and its ten minutes after it happenned... I dont know what I'll do tomorrow I dont know whether i can look at you, either of you... At the moment i hate the thought that im going to be in the same room as you.

So yeah hello! why does being in this house bring my mood down? ive only been here a couple of hours...but im sorta cheery so its not so effective :) saw beautiful amber when i got back to say hello which was nice i think she may be ill and down though :( Alice is cheery but im afraid shes actually getting more and more depressedy :( abbie...well i dunno what to say it seems to get more and more every time i see her... martin, havent spoken to hm since i got back heres hoping the weekends has presented him with something more interesting than sitting online all day. Me - went to the opera, and it was amazing. i was worried in the first half that it would be too much with the classicalness but it really was amazing...the bit at the end...wow. anyway yeah and i was dressed up in long black sleek dress and velvet/chifon pink shawlscarf, with dangly earrings and my hair up like a victorian lady. i felt very ladylike and posh. I want it to be christmas so much but i also dont want it to be because it means the mocks are sososo near... grrrr :(

yeah, so its beena while.... you know, i used to wish on eyelashes fr something beautiful to happen...and it has....but its fucked up...i cant love him... i just dont want him and im stuck because i cant break his heart ive brought him out into the light and i cant push him back... i was mean to him... i feel so completely alone.... amber and alice are always there to talk to but i just cry about everything, everyday.ts pathetic because i never cry...i havent cried properly in at least a year anyway until recently. things just built up. yeah i cant even write nicely anymore.

You scored as Rocker, Mosher. Your A Rocker!Rocker, Mosher70%Goth50%Prepy45%Emo40%Skater40%Trendy30%Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev5%What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy E.c.tcreated with QuizFarm.com

If I were a month, I'd be: December If I were a day in a week, I'd be: Sunday If I were a time, I'd be: 12 midnight If I were a planet, I'd be: Neptune If I were a sea animal, I'd be: an anemone If I were a direction, I'd be: a compass If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a bed If I were a sin, I'd be: dangerous If I were a liquid, I'd be: melted chocolate If I were a tree, I'd be: a weeping Willow If I were a plant, I'd be: a snowdrop If I were a state of weather, I'd be: snow If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a voice If I were an animal, I'd be: Pegasus If I were a colour, I'd be: deep turquoise If I were a vegetable, I'd be: a pumpkin If I were a sound, I'd be: musical box sounds If I were an element, I'd be: Fire If I were a car, I'd be: a happy old blue one If I were a song, I'd be: a jukebox If I were a movie, I'd be: crash If I were a book, I'd be written by: malorie blackman If I were food, I'd be: green tagliatelle If I were a place, I'd be: Greece If I were a number, I'd be: 2

Yay i have new hair :) its feathered and silky straight went to see charlie and the chocolate factory with alice but she kept going on about johnny depp and fair enough he was brilliant in the film but...there were other parts, too! well, this is a feelgood week this week according to amber. wednesday was pretty shit to put it nicely, mymum was just yelling and crying and throwing stuff and getting mad because she couldnt throw without her arms hurting which was quite heartbreaking but she hates people talking to her when shes in those moods so i slunk away and just kept reading the same paragraph of my book, over and over again but the days after wendesday were proper feelgood, like really good...thursday i went to london with amber which was great, some of the art in the tate modern was just excellent, some confusing but good and some you just wondered why the hell they paid these people to make such bullshit...okay sorry, maybe its meaningful to someone but to me, a red line drawn doen a white sheet of paper is taking the piss. maybe that was the meaning. even if it was meaningful to the artist, if no one else can see the meaning is it truly a good representation of anything but a red line down a white sheet of paper which sells for millions? and on friday we painted me room. we being me alice and amber. we tried to get sam aswell but he was out, or just not answering the phone. it was very very fun, and we managed to get quite a lot of it painted which was good. we also ended up with some very rude adjustments painted on our painting clothes :P Today i went to town with alice and got my hair done and started to feel that maybe im not quite as ugly as i thought, and less like cracking the salon mirror. lets see how long i can make it last :) and tomorrow ill be going to a sleepover/party thing with amber alice ben and jon. i really hope i dont get drunk and talk loads and say something bad... ah well if i do, ill never have to worry about keeping secrets again :P farewell for now xxx

Dont you just hate it, when you read a really good book, or see a brilliant film, or hear music that you really really like, and then when it ends, you hate it for ending because it means that you have to go back into the land of the mundane again? Maybe just me then. I hate it when that happens. I sometimes think i shouldn't go and see or hear things that i know i'll love because i always get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach afterwards which says "Hey, you do know that's NEVER going to happen to you, right? You realise that even if it was real, YOU aren't a part of it? You know you're nothing special, however special you might feel when experiencing it?" It just cuts me up. If you still have a bemused look on your face, i'll put this in simpler terms. Imagine you have the most gigantic crush on the most popular guy/girl at school. Now imagine he/she's going out with your best friend. you have to watch them living their lives together, and it's such a beautiful thing to watch, but at the same time you have this huge ball of jealousy knotting itself up in your stomach. In that situation, at least i could console myself that there's still the minutest chance he would one day find me instead. You can't do that with a book. Or a film. Or music. No matter how much you love the story, you know you will never be able to live fiction. That's why it's fiction. I long to be living in a fantasy world. Talk about unrequited aspirations.

well i did my exam and it went badly. i think i will get a B or possibly even lower. I hardly wrote anything id been told to write and i panicked and wrote crap instead. Its the summer holidays. One of my friends has gone for a month, i waved her off and cried a little because shes going to meet up with her friends from before and be distant from us when she gets back Another of my friends is turning into an anorexic and theres nothing i can do but sit and watch her count her daily intake to 240 a day when the normal daily intake is about 2000 One of my friends is growing really quite distant and i can seem to do hardly anything right with her anymore My schoolwork is a mess and no one has really noticed, so C grades here i come! My dad either isnt lying and i have a half brother or sister, or he is lying and therefore is even more of the lying bastard who left my mum and didnt give her any money to raise me on. I have nothing to do over the summer so im going to be sitting here like some recluse all day while all my friends are off on holiday having fun. I was supposed to be eating healthily this summer and revising what ive done this year but none of that has happenned yetand i have a horrible feelint hat it wont WHY CANT I CONTROL ANYTHING IN MY LIFE??????????? I NEED TO SCREAM I NEED TO SCREAM I NEED TO SCREAM I NEED TO SCREAM

well until my really important exam on tuesday...oh crap i have to revise...im actually shaking now...ill stop... well just an entry to tell you all im still here... cant really think what to write...

Im trying to compose a waltz for my GCSE composiiton task. I want it to be perfect. I want my mark to be perfect. I know everyone wants an A*, but i really, REALLY want it...more than anything else... and im doing all these compositions thinking, i CAN do better than this, and i keep justifying myself, going, oh well i wasnt trying on that one, i could do better, it's just that i dont want to... but then im thinking, what if i CAN'T do better? what if this is the best i get? Because i know that every time i actually try to do well, i fail even more. Im trying to compsoe this great waltz, but any inspirations i have is being blocked out by alex's waltz, which i am in love with... i dont know that it is about it but it actually gives me butterflies... I have an RS exam in three weeks, and im already petrified. im reading this answer that this 100% girl gave last year, and there are things there id have never thought of to put down, yet she gets the marks... and i want to do well so much, for mum, for me... im trying to juggle schoolwork with going on this stupid health kick, for my party, even though its tiring me out, and i had chips/a sausage roll today and chips a couple of days ago, so all my good work is being undone, by the party im gonna be back to the ugly little shit i was before, no matter what i do, im always going to be old average me... and i hate it... i hate being so average... always the girl fading into the background when abbie and alice are doing their thing with whoever it is they want, always watching other people,all such colourful people, amazing people, and i long to join them, but i cant... i cant because i still have this stupid idea that osmeday, someone will like me because im differrent from the rest... but now im thinking, well, that tactic is obviously working a dream... and why is it, that abbie and alice can just throw themselves at someone and they come running, if i show the slightest bit of interest they just treat me like a game they play when they want their fucking ego boosting...and like some unstoppable moron i play along... because if i didnt id be on my own...

ow ow ow...i think its a mixture of being too hot and the vodka last night and sleeping oddly and too much noise my head hurts soooo much but last night was great it sounds pathetic but i managed to take about three shots of vodka in total, but for me thats really good 'cause i couldnt even smell the stuff before. Then it was annoying because i've turned out to be a depressive drunk, whereas abbie and amber are hyper and happy drunks. i dont think i actually got drunk but i went all sad for a bit. then i perked up and ran about with amber outside and then i turned into tipsy happy drunk :D then abbie leapt on amber and that was the last i heard of them for about an hour. i have re-discovered aerosmith and im loving it YAY!! my pc works again! i have become addicted to su-doku, a number placing puzzle int the times every morning but i have the book so mah. i dont know if im going swimming tonight because mairi is off on a dirty weekend with colin and is getting back today but i dunno what time. ow ow ow my head hurts i did get annoyed though because i really wanted to be drunk, and i tell people i dont drink, althought i want to get proper drunk every now and then...but not drink if you get my drift... but then when i do drink to get drunk adn dotn get drunk it means i have to drink next time so i can finish my aim, which means ill ahve to drink again, and its a viscious cycle. oh to hell with it who cares anyway? awww i love my friends

ah that music is pretty...a little samey but im not complaining you may be confused about the title. thats right. im back at school, and yet i am calm. what on earth is wrong with amy? i hear you call I finished my IT coursework. all of it. well, the first task, but im caught up with the rest now. now do you understand? ooh i might be playing lady macbeth in intermediate drama :D I have the black hair to go with it now, it was supposed to go blueblack, but it is mopre purple. i may write to the company. i like the purple a lot but i could get free hair dye out of this...:D things are going well with him, i get moments where im sad it wont ever happen but im not too fussed about it at present. im a little worried about playing lady macbeth. ive nevr really had to test my scting skills so i dont know whether i have enough talent to pull it off well... i think i shall get a book out. my internet is pretty much fucked *slaps wrist* so im using the library pc. i like summer... i feel quite calm, not like lazy calm like i used to because i had the weight of the work i had to do round my neck. now i just have to lern the stuff i missed in history and chemistry, and revise like mad for RS, and hopefully i can pull off these end of years. im sort of in control now. i realise i can either sit back and have to panic later or i can sort things out one at a time. geez im sounding too mature. poo! that's better. nice talking to you

im so sleepy.... i slept last night but i was really uncomfortable so i was like in and out all night... of sleep, you sickos.... yes amber and abbie, that means you. yeah so that party started out okay, and then got better an better. until alice came along and spoilt it. but then ive stopped being mad with her about that because i had the best time with him after that. i cant put too many details in here in case anyone reads and passes on information. im now so confused... i mean, even if he and his girlfriend did split, which would be bad, and even if he did want me...would it really work? he's so different...but so similar... and he's romantic and, yes he can be a bit of a idiot occasionally but sometimes...he can almost melt back my heart, and ill like him so much, it hurts to breathe... oh how pathetic am i?

here we go... once again amy has fallen for someone who a) is her friend, b) has a girlfriend and c) wouldnt like me anyway i feel a strange sense of de ja vu, don't you?