There are many things in my life i am not proud of. There are too many regrets and things i want to change, but i try not to hold onto these thoughts. I learned early to hold onto the things and people I love and let go of the anger and frustration. This, i suppose, is where the line gets blurred, and feelings get hard. I have seen deep despair in others' eyes, and felt despondent from deep within my soul--and i have picked up the pieces, and then dropped them and broke them worse thna before...smashed them until i couldnt recognize the whole picture...until i couldn't recognize the person in the mirror. for what it's worth, i hope you're having fun in california without me. From the bottom of my heart, i wish you the best. good luck.

I miss how easy high school was. Everything is so complicated now and I wish I could run away sometimes...leave and not come back. Leave my friends and family and start all over.

i'm not going to lie, it's been almost a year since i've made an entry but i think i need to get back to my writing roots. this also helps me kill some time before embarking on my homework adventure that now owns my life.i'm starting to become more self aware i guess you could say (partly because of my classes); my AP psych class makes me anaylzie who i am and everytime it gets me thinking to the point where i almost lose myself in my head instead of paying attention to the lecture. also, environmental science makes me nervous if i come back in a later life on this same planet and it also makes me more aware of what's going on in the world today. on a side note, i would like to send out my sympathy for anyone whose life was impacted by 9/11. peace, jessy.

i am: _feeling like i need to change so much _not aware of where to begin...

i'm not going to lie...this will probably be just another random entry...i will not keep up with my writing in this. so much has changed in my life nad i need somewhere to track that for today. Patrick broke up with me in December--after almost 2 years of dating. whatever. over it now. Currently datig: david.things were going well for awhile but i feel like he's not fully in the relationship and i'm also really insecure in it...ithink it's important to also mention the fact that he broke up with me last weekend and then proceeded to win me back. i'm stupid. other than that, i've been working at beng a student teacher with mr. nigro's world history 2 class. today was my first actual interactive day. i feel like i did really well, but it seems that no one around me cares. fuck man. i've also been accepted to college and i'm about to graduate. life is happening and i'm really excited. now, if i could only figure out a way to be more content with the things that i am doing, i believe i'll finally be happy. it's a hard task, but i know i can do it if i set my goals and standards high. peace.

i'm ready to be done with high school. i'm ready to start my life. i'm ready to start over. i'm ready to fix my vices. i'm ready to change. to live, to feel complete, to help, to cry, break & mend. i'm not prepared...but i'm ready.

so, i thought i was over it, and i thought i could be okay with the "break", but i'm not, and it isn't. i don't know how to act. everytime i see him, i feel like i did something wrong that makes him not want to be with me or to " take a step backwards" and it hurts like hell. i think my heart physically hurts..and i didn't know someone could cause me so much pain. i know it's silly...it's a break not a break up, but it hurts so badly to know that this could lead to something more, or evern just to know that he sees something that he likes less about me. i have no one to talk to on the phone today-- i have no one to hang out with and it sucks just sitting at home watching Vh1 celeb. break-ups.

so, i have come to belive that life is about being a good person. this has nothing to do with any of the following: "lifestyle choices" such as sexuality, religion, etc. it does, however, have to do with: 1. charity 2. having a good heart 3. good-deeds 4. not causing harm on purpose i believe life is about trying to do the best you can for others in any way possible. "help ever, hurt never."

it's that holiday time of the year again and i'm feeling the pressure... i think that's one of the things i hate most about this time of year...the pressure. i'm also having to deal with trying to come up with some way to get myself a car and pass all my exams (which i know i can do), but i just feel overwhelmed and bitchy. it doesn't help for me to bitch at the one person i really love, but i do and i've just been feeling like shit too much recently. i called my dad today so i could ask him to come look at a car with me and my mom sunday...i got his voicemail...i hung up. i'm leaving to go visit my grandma tonight and i'm really not looking forward to going. i also have come to hate money..and i'm really starting to hate the cycle of life which scares me and excites me a little all at the same time. i know that i'm hell to put up with

this is exactly how i feel a lot. i'm in love with this song (kevin devine-ballgame): and there's a clamp around my chest that tightens everytime i lapse into another sorry story... about my miserable collapse. a brown box i keep encased in glass and dust off whenever i want your pity. cause lately i've had to come to grips with scope and figure. how my problems stack up in a world two steps from ruin. or maybe it's rapture. well either way i realize that my shits about as small as it could be but that makes me feel worse for even feeling this bad in the first place.

i know that not everything can be perfect and that i need to learn to accept that... easier said than done, right? yeah. sometimes i wish i could be numb so no one would ask me what i felt because i wouldn't show emotions and i could stare into space without wishing to change something about my life. and i know everyone wants something different and i feel stupid for feeling like i need a change... i'm sorry but i hate feeling judged and vulnerable. i hate yelling and pressure and me thinking dumb things and not seeing change and ugh most of all....i'm sorry i must be hell to put up with sometimes i think people would be better off without me in their lives.

i find it hard to update here anymore, or anywhere else for that matter. i mostly feel like keeping to myself these days. good or bad? i can't decide. anyhow, school is killing me and i stayed home sick from work today which is no good because i could really use the money. i'm about to watch the movie seven with patrick; i hear good things about it and i hope to be impressed. so few things impress me these days..everything seems to be lacking originality and creativity..even what i write and do. i think it's time for me to turn over a new leaf. i already started today by quitting. i'm happy.

i let myself cry until i threw up, and it was okay for a little while, but right now i'm honestly shaking... and nothing feels okay. "i just poured my heart out there's bits of it on the floor and I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water and call him up for more"

a lot has really been on my mind recently...things i can't stop thinking about. i feel different in a bad way, but maybe it will become something better and make me a stronger person? who knows...all i know is that everything i do seems so pointless....

i'm learning to be brave and accept things i have no control over and i'm learning to be okay with myself and i'm learning all the time that things really do happen for a reason and not to let myself get me down. i'm really trying...trying to learn.

i fucking wrote a song. i feel so accomplished. no one will probably ever hear it because it kind of sucks, but i'm still happy. it's very ani difranco sounding. ♥

today is my birthday. woo patrick cooked me dinner (i helped) and got me the complete edgar allan poe poems and short stories book. i love it so much i love him so much it's probably the most thoughtful gift i've ever recieved. i would have been glad with just the card. ("to the one who has my heart") but i'm glad i got my book too. how perfect.

i really wish people would stop acting so fake and dumb about stuff. i'm just really begining to become pissed off at people because they react stupid to things people do/like/enjoy. fuck it..if you're happy doing it go for it. who knows what is coming next? why should i sit here and waste my fucking time trying to please you..this may be the one chance i have for myself. i want everyone to realize this and stop being fucking assholes. && i'm done with this bullshit rant.

i found this on post secret: i'm scared to get married now; i'm scared i'll never get over seeing my dad and i'm scared he'll have to walk me down the aisle. (www.postsecret.blogspot.com)

haha today i indulged myself and looked at boys in tight pants. oh man, it just isn't what it used to be. next thing i know, i'll be back at boys kissing. haha oh god. anyhow, tonight i'm going to a show with caitlin and stephanie. and friday= me getting my ipod because i have to go eat lunch with my dad. :- meh. i still get nervous. saturday=poker night/ 80's night at staci's who i haven't seen in ages. sunday= cary town for hte watermelon festival!!! yayz! then, i have to work though...oh well, hopefully i can get some rad stuff in the morning. take care peace&love