Dude...I'm feeling that depressed feeling again. It's not right. I thought I was all done with this depression mode. This is so 8th grade, but it keeps coming back. I feel like doing stuff again, but I can't, it won't feel the same anymore...I'm so confused. From the attitude coming from my parents, I get the feeling that I embarass them or they're ashamed of me. I don't think I make them happy enough, and if I do, it's for not that long. I mean, I'm not talking like this because of recent events, but I've had this theory for a long time already. I've asked my mom many times if I embarass them or something, and she never answered me. I know how she thinks, she wants a daughter that's girly, gets good grades, listens to them, treats her siblings nicely, all that jazz. I'm sad to say that I'm not that girl, and I don't really want to try to be that girl. I stay up at night and cry so hard because I know I don't satisfy my parents most of time because of my stupid screw-ups. I screw up so much, I get bad grades, I talk back, I lie, what's my problem?! They don't need to punish me, I punish myself...that was basically the entire point of the cutting, although it was a release, it was also punishment. I'm still paying the price from that with these scars. But, oh, how good it felt when it happened... I have many regrets. I haven't learned my lesson. Bad things happen to me and I brush them off and try again. Sure, I stop the really naughty things, but I don't let go of it. When I am truely guilty of something, I go to confession and confess, but I still live with the guilt, I never let go. That's my problem. There are times when I just feel like killing myself because I don't deserve to live, I don't deserve to be in God's presence, I'm not worthy of any blessing He bestows upon me. But no, I won't do it, God has been too good to me for me to end it like that... The thought of cutting has been popping in my head more than anything else lately. I am being tempted and I don't like it. I don't want to break. I don't want to give in. I think back to when I used to do it, it was the best feeling I felt then. I have experienced better feelings but unfortunately, those feelings don't come around as often (or as easy) as cutting does. I have no other place to hide. I can't hide them anymore...sure, I always my jacket but I don't want to live with scars anymore. The ones on my biceps are enough. I can't wear a sleeveless shirt or dress without feeling comfortable because I am always reminded of my past when I see my arms. I have to hide the depression. I can't worry anyone anymore...those days are over. I can take care of everything myself, I only hope God can help me. St. Jude, pray for me. .:EDIT:. Too much homework. Well, not really, I've been through worse. Finals are coming up, I better do good on my english final or else it's curtains for me. Due to recent events I'm grounded from the phone for a week. Not as bad as I expected, but I am concerned for Chloe, I'm afraid that she'll do something stupid. I have come to realize that I don't think Chris is real...or alive if he was real. No big, it's alright, Chloe's been through a lot. But yeah...