(."eyes reflecting tears of inner sadness as the fragments of my heart fall to the floor and this room where you convey a frowning mastery of lingering regret, you never let your heart go free".) (.Its been awhile. I would write about something. But nothing exciting ever happens to me. Nobody new in my life. I completly forgot about this sitdiary, and then outta nowhere just kinda remembered i suppose. Im going to quebec for three weeks. I cant wait to get out of this place. Im done tho, ill you with a picture.)

(.long.ago.you.used.to.want.me. .now.its.all.so.far.away. .but.you.still.haunt.me. .and.take.me.back.to.yesterday.) (.why must she talk to me like everything is alright.its not.she took the one thing i cared about away from me.she was supposed to be my friend.but yet i let her be nice to me.im nice to her.even with all this hatred against her inside of me.) (.she was moving anyway.why did she have to fuk things up before she left.her names,her quotes she must thing im stupid to not know they are about him.) (.Dont you just hate it when people are so ignorant.she didnt even care about him.she did it out of pure fun.to make herself look good.) (.That was back in june.and im still so fuking hurt by it all.i gave everything to that guy.he didnt even care.) (.why must i think about it all the time?write ever fuking line about him.But whats even worse im trying my best to get him back.even knowing what hes like.but its going good so far.but is this just another attempt to bring me down?) (.fuk.it.) (.keep.it.real.)

.No.one.has.to.find.out. .has..to.know. .i.would.listen. .if.you'd.speak. (.My mom said something that got to me today.she wants to save up and move back to quebec.wow.getting my hopes up already.as much as i tell myself i hate this place.I was thinking.and i would miss it here.) (.i want to see shaun.) (.i have come to conclusion none of "close" friends in this place are actually real friends.whatever that may be.my first friend.has been my only true friend.i miss you jenna.) (.what did i do this weekend?hmm.last nite attemted to work on my project but got nothing done.you know when u just sit there for so long but just cant seem to get anything down.yea thats what happened.i had a hockey game this morning.which we lost bruttalllyy.and i have been talking on here.and doing homework.which i have flowing out my assss.this time of the year is way to stressfull.i really should sigh out of msn.i am getting nothign down.tomorrow when i look at what i have acomplished im going to be dissapointed.haha.) (.i didnt go to school again thursday or friend.haventfelt like it.do i see a drop out appearing?no i wouldnt do that.) (.keep.it.real.)

"(.So.Much.Regret.Behind.These.Eyes. .But.The.Thing.I.Regret.Most.Is.Loosing.You. (.Last monday first fuking day back to school shaun gets suspended for 20 days.They "suspect" him of dealing again.They even searched him and there was nothing on him.Even tho he is they still have no proof.so that means less time with him.They are phonin him after the 20 days to see if hes expelled or not.Hopefully hes not.) (.Last nite i went out on the sleds with cody n craig.That was fun other than the fact i thought i was going to die.Theyre fuking crazy ass drivers.We hit a black fox by accident n its back broke.So it was suffering so the guys put it down.It was sad.) (.Im so sick of school.Its stressful,this time of year.i have exams comeing up and so many projects.it sucks.I have one due monday n i havent started.Ahh.shit.) (.Me and amanda and kayla are making plans on friday night with bryan n jeff n shaun.Sorta like a big date.Hope it works out.) (.Keep.It.Real.)

"(.You.make.me.smile.so.wide. .When.I.look.into.your.eyes. .And.when.you're.not.around. .You.know.you're.somewhere.stuck.inside.my. .mind.)" (.i got to see him today.wow its like everytime i see him i fall even more.i want him back so bad it hurts.now that school is back in.im going to be able to spend more time with him.but if it comes to him not feeling the same way its going to kill me.hes all i want.all ive ever wanted.i catch him looking at me when i turn my head.theres something still tere.it makes me smile to be around him.only time lately its a true smile.) (.Well im through with amanda.fuk her.untill she starts being who she used to be i want nothing to do with her.i cant beleive the person she is turning into.i mean shes a hipacrit(sp?).When i was with marty she would talk about me n him all the time.now shes going for at least 5 different 24-25 year olds.ive learnt my lesson.what is this place turning into.) (.kayla wanted to commit yesterday night.that was pretty hard on me.i mean shes the kind of person im close to but dont hang out with that much.but ya know it still gets to you.i made her promise me she would not hurt herself in anyway.ive seen the cuts on her arms.) (.but hm.nothing else to talk about.joey is still "Stalking me". 5 emails in one day.how bad is that.leave me alone.ur scaring me.) (.keep.it.real.)

(.I was thinking about things that have happened over the year in 2004.Seeings how its new years n all.) Most Remembered Memories happy (.Ear falls hockey tournament.) (.First time Gettin lit.) (.Hang out in the "hot box" with everyone first time kissing shaun.) (.Laying on the co-op roof looking up at the stars with shaun the night he asked me out.) (.Camping By the lake with shaun,kim,kevin,kayla,crystal,issac.) (.The big ass fire by the lake when issac almost caught us all on fire.) (.Swims at the dock.) (.Snowmachine rides.Where i almost got killed.) (.Sno-x) (.Sno-x after party at my house where i met the braaap pack.freestylers.) (.Fishin with dad.) (.Base-ball drunk fests.) (.Long talks on with with jenna.) (.Going to visit everyone in quebec.) (.My voldka experience.) (.4-wheeling with gt's pulled behind in the middle of the summer.) (.Co-op where we would spend hours just sitting there.) (.Doubleing the BMX's) (.Girl nights.) (.Watchin the boys play every thursday nite.) (.Meeting Marty.) (.Walking around the bay becuz there was nothing better to do.) (.Mom beating cancer.) sad (.Gavin's Suicide.) (.Breaking up with shaun.) (.My grand-papa's death.) (.Mom getting rushed to hospital.) (.Mom haveing cancer.) (.My surgery.) (.The many fights with my mom.) (.Getting kicked out.) (.Getting infected from surgery.) (.Car accident.) (.Mom loosing her license.)

"(.When.I.saw.the.break.of.day.I.wished.that.I could fly away; instead of kneeling.in.the.sand.catching.teardrops.in. my.hand.)" (.i found out marty was "with" another girl during this break.he brought her to the places we had the greatest times in.dont know why it bothers me so much.i mean im the one who pushed him away.) (.shauns home.i wish i was with him right now.i really need someone at this time.) (.maybe my mom is right.because i dont know whats wrong with me.it gets me so down.) (.this world is full of bullshit lies and heartbreakers.) (.keep.it.real.)

"(.What.If.I.never.lost.you. .I.wouldnt.have.to.find.you.all.over.and.over. (.over.and.over.) .Your.the.one.Ive.Ive.always.wanted. .The.one.that.I.just.cant.live.without.)" (.I just got back from playing pickup hockey.that was fun.apparently im "good for being a girl."I played good today.To bad i cant do that during my games.There was a buncha people there.Kim n amanda decided to leave.i stuck around anyway.Hope there is some more tomorrow.Gives me something to do.Becuase my team doesnt start back up for another week.) (.Im all alone at home.My mom is snowed out at a friends house.Its crazy outside.I looked out the window and couldnt even see the road.Its snowing that hard.I was suposed to go shopping today.Dont think thats happening anymore.) (.Yesterday.Well my mom phoned one of my friends.She thinks im depressed.So she got her to get me out.So what if i stay in my room lots.Its not becuz of depression.Maybe im not all that happy right now.But being in my room.Listening to music gets my mind off of things.Plus i have my computer and tv in here.Why would i need to leave.) (.Before i moved here.I had a great life.Tons of friends.I was outgoing.Talked lots.Now that im here.Well i hate it.Ive become shy.If you knew me before ud think that wouldnt be possible.I used to get into alot of trouble at school.Not for serious things.I dont think ive got in shit once here.This summer i was a hardcore pot smoker.Thanks shaun.Ive quit that.Havent done it since august.But wow sometimes i think i need it so bad.Nah.) (.But shit had to happen.Had to move here.And i fuking hate him for it.Yes theres a long ass story behind it.I guess its kinda a good thing.Im in the same town as my dad now.Cuz ontario to quebec.Didnt get to see him lots.) (.anyway my speakers blew.So i have no music.Ahhh im mad.I hope we go tomorrow.Cuz ill buy somemore.I cant live without it.) (.keep.it.real.)

"(.I've slept so long without you .it's.tearing.me.apart.till. .how.to.get.this.far.playing.games. .with.fist.held.cards. .I've.killed.a.million.pity.souls. .But.I.can't.kill.you. .I've.slept.so.long.without.you) (.Its all for you babe.) (.All the things i never got to tell to you.All the things ive been dying to say.It all ended to fast.) (.I was a better person when i was with you.I have gone downhill since you left.) (.You were the first guy i ever truly cared about.You wanted me.I wanted you.The months we spent together are unforgetable.You hurt me so bad.You had the nerve to kiss her and go on like nothing happened.I still stayed with you.Then you break my heart.) (.The things that happened after that destroyed my life.The things i do not bare to mention.The thought of it gives me shivers.I had to live with what happened that night.A night you and i had came closer than ever.It was as much your fault as mine.But it was my life that shattered. you While you went on laughing with your friends about me.Lieng to save yourself.) (.Somehow i still find a way to blame myself for the things that have happened.) (.Even after that i am still spilling my heart for you.) (.There may have been other guys in the past lil while.But they ended quickly.All because i couldnt be with someone when i knew all my feelings were for you.You were on my mind all the time.You still are.If not more than before.) (.The past couple weeks we have become close again.A small part of me beleives that you know you made a mistake.You know what we had was something.Are you to holding back your words?The signs have become unclear as you act the way you do.The way you did before we went out the first time.The thought of you maybe comeing back to me gets me through my long days with a small smile.Dont crush me again.Dont lead me on for nothing.) (.They say im stupid for going back to you.For admitting id go back to you in a second.But how can i help myslef.) (.I tried telling myself i could not love you.But what else could it be.I tried telling myself i hated you for the things you have done.But i know i could never hate you.) (.If only i could tell you all of this.I loose my words when im around you.Scared i may say something to push you away.) (.Maybe i sound corny just like all the other random girls going on about a boy.But its the way i feel.Theres no helping it.)

"(.You.say.the.most.beautiful.things. .an.endless.list.of.treasures.of.trimmings. .It.takes.all.my.faith.just.to.start. .I.don't.care.now.how.much.I'm.wrong .my.song.it.shames.your.ears. .every sentence a failure. .Slant.rhyme.is.all.I.can.give.half.truth. is .all I'll get. .Show.us.all.what.grace.can.mean. .all.of.what.I.might be. .Close.your.eyes.call.it.escape. .We'll.run.away.from.everything. .Lie.to.me. .love.me. .We'll.run.away.from.everything.)" (.Still tired.I was going to go to bed early last nite.But had some friends stay over.I slept till 1:00.N im still tired.) (.My stupid brother handed me the phone yesterday when i told him to say i wasnt home.Yes it was joey.He is pissed off.I could tell.But i dont really give a shit.Cant stand him anymore.Dont want to be even just friends.) (.Shaun is home tomorrow!!!.Right on.Cant wait to chill with him.) (.Im goin snoboardin' later.Cant wait for that either.This summer is gunna be tight.The boys n i are gunna tear up v-bay.Got a BAM board right before christmas.Havent even got to test it out.Other than Jay's basement.Im not any good at it yet.But ill learn.) (.Amanda is back from winnipeg.Fawk,thats one conceited chick.Im trying tohold back hangin out with her as much,Cuz if u knew her,ud know what i mean.She was one of my closest friends around here.But ive done alot of forgiveing.That always comes along with alot of stuff i will never forget.) (.But right about now all i can think about is shaun.And seeing him.Get my life back in order.Cuz its pretty fukin shitty right now.) (keep.it.real.)

"(.Still.pretending.that.I'm.fine. .It.was.you.and.I. .Holding.back.what's.on.our.minds.)" "(.And.all.the.things.I.should.have.said. .And.all.the.letters.left.unsent.)" (.I wrote a long entry when i woke up today.The computer fuked up.So screw it.) (.Just got home from dads house.Went snowmachineing all day.That was pretty fun.My brother got stuck about a million times.Tonight im hangin out with some friends.Get out of the house.N off my lazy ass.Although im so tired my eyes are burning.) (.Mom Asked me what happened last nite.She didnt remember a thing.I told her nothing happened.) (.When i got home.I looked on the phone.8 fuking phone calls from joey.Like fuk off already.) (.Well i have nothing left to write about.) (keep.it.real.)

"(.It.has.not.healed.with.time. .It.just.shot.down.my.spine. .You.look.so.beautiful.tonight. .Remind.me.how.you.laid.us.down. .And.gently.smiled. .Before.you.destroyed.my.life.)" (.It is now 3:14 in the morning,i cannot sleep.Tonite was horrible.I cant take this any longer.I need out.) (.My mom was drinking again.Too much.Her friend that was drinking with her left filling my mothers heads with thoughts that she should get her life back with my dad.It was 1:30 am and she makes my father come over.I knew exactly what was going to happen,and i was right.I heard them talking,of course my dad told her he was moving on with his life,hes had a gf for a couple years.But i know my mom,she would never do something like that if she was sober.She stormed upstairs,crying for about a half an hour.) (.She couldnt even talk with making scense.She came downstairs and kept going on about what a horrible person i am.That what i do best is ruining her life.How much she hates me.Allthough i know she doesnt mean it,because of the state she is in,it still hurts.) (.She doesnt deserve to have a life like that.She does everything for me n the rest of the kids.We used to be so close.The past couple years have been hell.) (.I want to move to my dads.But i know what will happen if i did.I cant take that risk.I just need to get away from here for awile.Get away from all this shit.) (.I live a normal life outside of home.The only time i really talk about these things is in here.) (.I am not sure what my plans are for tomorrow.Im obviously sleeping in.Then no clue.Probably not be in the mood for anything.Or maybe ill get out of this fuking place and get my mind off things,n hang out with sum people.) (.Havent been snowboardin yet this year.Havent even taken my board out.Hmm theres an idea.Maybe ill find a ride out to the hills.Ahhhh.2 more days till shaun gets back.Want to see him so bad.) (.keep.it.real.)

"(.Walking. .waiting. .alone.without.a.care. .hoping.and.hating. .with.things.i.can't.bare .did.you.think.it's.cool.to.walk.right.up.to.save.my.life. .and.fuck.it.up. .well.did.you.)" (.Fuk,joey just called here,i didnt answer.He still wont give up.Im not even allowed cruisin with him,after he got pulled over for goin 200 kph with me in the car.I seriously just dont want anything to do with him.) (.Anyway,kim should be callin soon.Were gunna hang out tonite.o wait nevermind im on the phone now with her,she just got grounded,sucks to be her.Hm guess that means im a loner tonite.) (.Talking to jenna on msn.Were talking about college when we graduate.Im moveing back to my hometown in quebec as soon as im done school.I miss it so much.) (.keep.it.real.)

"(.What.I.heard.is.not.what.I.hear.I.can.see.the.signs.but.they're.not.very.clear.)" (.Made a new diary.No longer want people knowing who i am.Just want to be able to write whatever i want without haveing to worry.) (.Christmas was yesterday.It went pretty good i could say.I had so much family stuff to do over the past two days.I wanted to spend it with my mom,becuz she has no1 in this town n' she defenatly does not desrve to be alone.) (.I got a phone call last nite from joey.I wish he would leave me alone.I really would.He wants to hang out,i dont.He wrote me an email.I am not going to wirte back.Hopefully he gets the point,cuz he obviously hasnt yet.) (.Marty is in town.Two houses down from me actually.I was just talking to him on the computer,another person i dont really want to hang out with at the time.I mean I actually care about marty,but i have learnt it was just not meant to be.) (.All i want, all i have ever wanted is shaun.Fuk when i get the chance to tell him,ill be relieved.I screwed it up the first time,that wont happen again.Alot of stuff happened between me n' him.We are just getting close again.It feels so good.) (.keep.it.real.)