well i was going to add another "friend" to this diary but then i changed my mind, becuase well, SitD friends are gay. (no offense, not all are) but i hate how people can read this and call themselves ur friend via the internet because you know ud never associate with that person in person. this isnt true for everyone and im not saying it to anyone in particular, its just how i feel about this arrangement. and i probably shouldnt talk, becuase im addicted to this and everytime i say im going to stop, i never do. so bah hum bug to me. and oh, if any of you are wondering why i dont talk to you anymore its becuase all i do is work, and next weekend will be my first and ONLY weekend off this month. So if ur under the assumption that im not talking to u for some other reason-ur wrong. and i wish that you would just find that out for urself.

Dont i always wrap myself up in this little predicaments? Im always thinking i have this in control, that the ball is in my court and then i'll get hurt and realize i wasnt in any type of control. I realize that i am falling recklessly and out of control into a lifestyle of dependence. Theres so many reasons i need you right now. The fear of ruining something wonderful is over powering and im afraid for my heart-again.

I keep drinking the ink from my pen And I'm balancing history books up on my head But it all boils down to one quotable phrase If you love something, give it away ... I've grown tired of holding this pose I feel more like a stranger each time I come home So I'm making a deal with the devils of faith Saying, let me walk away, please

::STOP IT:: and tell me who you are

who's seen office space? the "jump to conclusions mat" was meant for people like me. im sorry to those people i said those things too..chris..leah...its not ur fault. i am a retard. i just got done reading those annonymous comments a whirlwind of emotions overtook me. i didnt know how to react and that was no reason for what i did. you have every right to be mad at me. and i completley understand if you dont accept this. im always so concerned im getting hurt that i forget to think about other people first.

im so done with this diary. for real this time.

no intiendo, i just dont understand porque estas cosas Siempre estan pasando. like heartache, and loneliness. are they only meant for me? que voy hacer? dieme....mi futoro esta en tus manos. comprendes? of course not. simply laugh at me, little orphan girl. they were jsut fighting to keep me alive because my death would eat at their conscious too much. pero lo que no saben es que yo tengo un esfurso much stronger then they think. puedo vivir sin pensar la muerte. puedo cantar con la vos del los angeles. i can breathe without oxygen. y voy a volar higher than you can dream....

flowers? for me? you shouldnt have... but he did. does he not know that i am relationship-phobic, and feel as if i am incapable of loving another human being but just want a rich dude who can buy me things i cant afford? well, according to the newest "Allure" i am...i hate it when those fucking magazines are so right on, but anyways i am spending my last night of 2004 downloading Kazaa wich is going to allow me to steal all the music my little heart desires. muhahaha so this break for me has really been a "free sample" of what someday my life will be. yeah dont u wish you knew what i was talking about? except for maybe not cuz i dont know if anyone reads this anymore. and maybe that is why i hardly write in it anymore? i smell patheticness-do u? your acceptance, though it would thrill me, will not define who i am after all, i am my mothers daughter that line shot through my heart like a bullet. i wish someone could understand.

well kids, break is almost over. how does that make you feel? i hope you have plans that are all safe and sober for the new year. lol yeah..i bet. i have to work and little isabella turns one, so i have that party. woohoo. but yes, im illegally downloading music right now and its taking forever, i hate dial up. im in love with "the cure" and im really regrettin not getting their shirt at ragstock this fall. today i was determined to not be lazy and to accomplish something in my day, it didnt work. but at least i tried. i worked on my art project AND did some laundry AND took a shower lol. thats good for me, its four in the afternoon and i just got out of pajamas....shit...im pathetic. ::boys dont cry:: did you know that?

i am so utterly distgusting right now, i could puke at the sight of me. i need to shower and i probably shouldnt be sitting on my bed in my pajamas when its 2 in the afternoon listening angry girl empowering music. but who cares?! lol so christmas was spledid. i got everything i asked for and then some. Ive been having dance revoultions for the last couple of days and now my legs are sore. also, my robe, is probably the greatest gift of all i live in it now. im really not as lazy as i may seem, i was planning on going over to seths and hanging out with him but the low fuel light in my vehicle has been on since last night and i dont think i would make it to the gas station...its below the E for empty level..is that a bad thing? oh well...i will just sit in my filth for a few more minutes. so how is everyone im feeling kind of detached from society...i havent seen or talked to another human being that was a part of my "family" in a looong time. some one rescue me. i think im going to go bathe now, or rather, shower because that would make me feel less ugly and less self conscious and less poopy all together. then i will have a dance dance revolution is anyone wants to come....come on... ::ive always wanted to be commander in chief of my one woman army:: [loud applauss and screaming]

It was time for them to go! But they had to stay. I wonder if they would ever know. What happend to the poor girls soul. Bleeding on the floor. The cool basement floor. Wishing it was time to go. She screamed through the colors and music. But no one would hear. Its hard to believe. But she could not stand. Through the thick smoke, and laughter. Could there be people all around her. I guess they didn't notice. The girl was gone. When she stood up and spined around. All the sound captivated her. She flew up the stares. Out the door, almost hitting the floor. The stars spun through her head. Mean while they were creaping around her bed. Where could she be? What would she do? They did not realize the girl was gone. call me the fucking emo queen..but i hate myself. right now.

i just read that girls diary for the first time ever, and it made me mad, not her words, but words that were said to her from a "friend" its evident that the girl who writes in her diary is one of the most amazing people out there. and i barely know her...but i know she cares so much, about everyone and everything and that despite the things taht bother her and seem to be "flaws" her heart is pure...like snow...like gold...and no friend should tell you to change, no friend would say "do something for something else for once" because why should you? not saying you should be selfish but dont do things for people just to ease ur conscious. dont help someone just so u can say "i helped him or her" do when its the right time, the right place, the right person. becasue all that matters is that ur heart is in the right place when it happens...and maybe, just maybe, we all DO NEED to be selfish and stop trying to fix everyone elses problems and focus on others' lifes. look at ur own life and get it together. stop pointing fingers at people and saying "that girl/boy is sooo messed up, they neeed help, im going to be their savior" why dont u just try having a friendship...?? so please girl, dont feel bad about things, you are beautiful, youre smart adn kind and probably one of the nicest people i have ever met. youre a gem...shinny and bright.

Once I spoke the language of the flowers, Once i understood each word the caterpillar said, Once i smiled in secret at the gossip of the starling and shared a conversation with the housefly in my bed. Once i heard and answered all the questions of the crickets And joined the crying of each falling dying flake of snow, Once i spoke the language of the flowers.... How did it go? How did it go?

surounding fog and twilight, empty fields- saying who you are pennylane inspires me

yeah so school again today. same ol' same ol' seeing that boy makes me smile. *im in love with every boy* hahaha sometimes i feel like im in the 9th grade. so there is this boy that i am like "totally crushing on" and he is in my 4th block but a girl who likes him is also in that class and everytime he talks to me shes come a runnin and steals the convo right out of my mouth. (side note: dont take anyof this seriously) i dont know wut to do about the situation. because, well blah. i hate this diary. btw. annonymous commenter from entry "step back from that ledge" i didnt realize who u were until like yesterday, the first time i read that comment i was like "who could this be?!" and thought of a number of ppl. lol im retarded. but really, im not mad at anyone. so we can just be done with it all. ps. u have my cake pan? lol

ive spent my "thanksgiving break" working and trying hard to sleep at night. work has gone good. i dont know wut to say about the sleep thing, ive had a series of crazy/scary dreams and i dont really know wut to think about it all. ive had a headache for three days straight-is that healthy? please dont answer. i have a baby sitting on my lap that is deeply enthraled with my pearls and hair. last night, at about 9 oclock i realized it was friday night and hten i looked at my cell phone. no missed calls. haha *miss popularity* its ok guys i had a better time with all the four year olds i hung out with.

i had a bad day again, and you will not understand. neely o'hara: why are u so cool being an unknownstranger/?

Its never felt so good to say goodbye.

my nails sparkle with the glitter from your bottle. so today was ok, i fucking hate school. i used to liek it, then i could tolerate it. now i cant stand it! save me save me. the only thing that really bugs me is feeling like i dont "fit in" anywhere---lame, i know. but tonight i sat at pams office for like fucking forever and then i went to alexis' and that was rather enjoyable. me and alexis like to feel left out together and sitting in the hot tub was too relaxing to even begin to explain. it made me forget all the things i was worrying about and wut not. so heres whats on my mind. 1) im fucking smad (mad and sad) that tom would say that. i just dont understand. wtf. i knew something like this was gunna happen. even tho he assured me that he didnt care wut his friends thought and blah blah blah. this is exactly why i wanted to keep him as Marcus Flutie. 2) Karl broke his phone which means i dont knwo when i'll get to talk to him next, which means tomorrow is gunna kill me from the inside out. guess who hates being so attatched? (..me...) but yeah, he makes me laugh and forget all this bullshit revolving around me right now. why is bad to like that? 3) tiffany was questioning wether to go on a vacation with marcy or stay in georgia so me, karl. and jeremy could go down there for my spring break. it killls me even more because she is the only one who fucking understands me and probably the closest thing to a "best friend" that ive got. why would she question that? 4) the immense feeeling of not being wanted by my "friends" tonight has me feeling like a total fucking social outcast. 5) megan f not calling today. megan l not answering her phone or returning my calls. fuck everyone. im going to bed.

was it all just a game? tell me who you are---you know wut, never mind, i dont care. "after she gets it for me im gunna tell her we cant hang out anymore" do u think i wouldnt find things out. im not as ignorant as i may seem... find your own shit you little bitch.