There is a piece of the story that I don't often tell about the end of my relationship with a girl named Carrie.

She is a girl who when I was in highschool I really set myself up for and sequencially fated myself in completely messing myself up with. It was the first time of a few I'd do this, and not unlike the others they all ended in similar fashion. With an apology.

Who was the apology more for? For me or for her? Until that moment I was so used to saying the words they became like an ejaculation rather then a meaningful expression, but I grew tired of being weak.

In front of her family, her friends, and her teachers I congratulated her for her accomplishment in graduating, wished her the best of luck, and offered my hand in peace.

She could have spit at my hand, turned away from me, and left me there with nothing, but loss in my heart for my intentions ever going awry. She did not do that. She smiled at me, she wished me the same luck, she took my hand and accepted to walk away as equals.

That day I found vindication. This day I have none. I have put on my neck a giant albatross, tied in steel chains. Something that I hold in my hands and every now and again I choke myself mercilessly with. It has a name, but I named it after myself. I can take it off whenever I'd like, but I choose not to. I know it does nothing for me, but causes me pain, but I decided I deserve it.

There is obviously not going to be anything that is going to release me