So, I have this bun. He's a cute bun. The most adorable bun. And he's been getting over a cold. He's my soul mate in a rabbit. Hates everything. Cept food and sleep. Yep. Bout right. Soul bun. It now exists.

Been working on my site like crazy. I don't quite know where this sudden inspiration came from. Can't say I care. It makes me happy. Brian and I will get this bitch done. We're too stoked to play Kai and Reiko. Because nothing is more exciting... Than a Karate Bug Man with a Pyrokinetic Rockstar. I also need to finish up my idea and backstory for Hiki. Going a new route with her. Should be interesting. She's still all the angst. Because, she's Hikari. But I really like the angle that I have been playing her with. Her lack of understanding. Her inability to understand connections. Having her be human but not is just how I like playing her. Far different than what I used to do. Reiko hasn't changed though. That girl will always be cray cray. I need to come up with new character concepts sometimes. I just end up evolving current ones. xD I guess I should just enjoy Sylvia and Micah. I sometimes make new characters. lawl

Well, it's official. I'm crazy. GASP! BUT KAYLA! WHO WOULDN'T HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT?! I digress. Legit. I not only have Major Depressive Disorder, but Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I will be talking to the doctor about Bipolar I Disorder. My mother is apparently Bipolar and never told me. Sort of important there. Whatever. How is everything else lately? I got rid of a shit ton of dead weight from my life. No joke. I finally got sick of the site I was on. The people were not only back stabbers and shit talkers. But they didn't understand mental illness. I had a bad, I mean bad, reaction to the medication Lexapro. I attempted suicide. Again. Only three people, my closest friends and practically brothers, cared. The rest? Yeah, they're gone. I don't deserve someone who tells me to get help and then talks shit when I finally do. I don't deserve someone that says they understand, but don't. I don't deserve someone that says I can't blame a medication for my suicide attempt. I don't deserve people that can't support me despite me being there for them 24/7. The shittiest part is that I gave every ounce of me to one of them. Because he's dying slowly. And now he won't even acknowledge I exist. Because my mental state was so bad. Because I couldn't control what I said or did. Because I tried to kill myself. I feel one hundred percent better on Zoloft. My best friend is amazing. Mike and I's married couple best friends are amazing. I have people that love me. I have Mike, my wonderful husband. And then there is the bun. Kai. I love this rabbit. I am officially a crazy rabbit lady. Don't judge. The only things I have left to fix are simple. My health still needs work, but it's getting there. I also desperately need a new goddamn job. I need a whole new career. We need a new place. Then? Children. Def children. Who knows, maybe fourth times the charm? If I keep losing weight and keep eating better. Maybe my body won't protest a child. So many maybes and what ifs. The only thing I can keep doing is writing, playing Blizzard games and spend time with those dearest to me. Brian, Stephen & Jen and my amazing husband. Even my sister! I'm getting better. I'll beat this anxiety. I'll beat this depression. Never going to give up.

You know, I said I would say goodbye. I said that I would step away. I had no idea the control you had on me. I didn't see the strong guilt and self loathing you forged in me. I believed not talking about my life would make other people happy. I withdrew myself from the world. I wasn't happy. I wasn't making other people happy. I felt as if I was drowning. And you were the one that would hold my head up when you wanted to. You tore me down. You ignored me. You treated me like I was just there for you. You controlled me. You manipulated me. You hurt me. And I let you. For almost three months, I was there. Making excuses for you. Letting you do whatever you want. Letting you walk all over me. Letting you tell me how I should and should not feel. I let you control me. Now? I am free. They all will choose you. Because you're sick. Because they are still trapped in your charm. I can't be anymore. I must detach myself. You know how to get me. You know how to control me. I won't let you control me again. Even if that means never doing what makes me happy again. In the end, it doesn't matter. I will be alone. But at least I will be free. What will you have?

It's hard to say goodbye. But I can't continue to make the same mistake I made for years. I donno how to do them anyway. I always come out passive agressive. When all I want to do is cry. Maybe it's the internet me trying to protect the real me. I'm not sure. I just know I hurt. And I just can't continue to wear myself thin to try to save it. I'm already sick enough.

You know what I hate more then these nu wave feminists? Social Justice Warriors. You want to know why? I didn't think they could be worse bigots then the fem-nazis. But they are. Hardcore. And I want to tell each and every one of them off. Go fuck yourselves. You're pieces of shit. You will never amount to a thing. The real scum of the Earth isn't the people that you attack with a brain. It's you. So, shut the fuck up. And leave me the fuck alone.

I kind of want to hide. Did I do something wrong? Am I being a bother? Should I just go? That's how I feel about now. And I'm not sure what's wrong. You don't talk to me anymore. Maybe it is best if I leave.

I think I'm taking this situation well. Probably the most maturely I could take. I'm at least proud of that. But it still hurts. A lot. Past me is still in there. I can feel her screaming. Seething. No matter how badly my head wants to hurt you. My heart won't let it. That's how much you mean to me. I just hope that my words mean something. And I truly hope you understand it all. Honestly.

the beating is quiet tears slip down pale cheeks overwhelming sorrow this pain is like cold water burning in my lungs drowning the beating is thundering reaching to nothing agonizing numbness i'm drowning in these waves screaming, breathing in i'm drowning

For once I'd like people to stop being so fucking demanding. I don't even get a second to breathe anymore. And it's iritating. Just stop! Calm your tits. Let me fucking breathe. It's bad enough that I'm stuck in my own head lately. Been trying to focus on WoW. It's been helping. Though, I'm going to have to explain what a broken promise is. It a fucking 43 year old. Because it's not what he thinks it is. I just cannot handle broken promises right now. I can't handle a lot of shit right now, honestly. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. ------------ It comes in and out like the tide. Waves of pain, sorrow, confusion and love. They roll over me as a blanket. Surrounding me in warm embrace.

My birthday is coming up. 27. Oh boy. I feel sorta old. And fat. Really, really fat. But I think I'm okay right now. Just been RPing the best I can. Finally got my 2nd Crusader up and going. And I'm posting like mad! Just need to get a damn Rio Narration!! Slacking admin! Cept not really. He's got so much going on. I feel totally bad for him. He totally needs a Hiki Hug. They are the best hugs. I AM FIRE!!! I AM DEATH!!!

I have this sudden feeling and need to change my name on the 'D. From Lady Hikari to Lady Smaug. Why? I AM FIRE! I AM DEATH! There may be a chance to my SIT here soon. Because I can't help but yell that every ten minutes.

Apparently, I have this uncanny knack. I always find the worst people. And waste my time befriending them. The worst part? I'm always the one that gets hurt the most. She lied to me. She lied to my best friend. She lied to the admin of the site I'm on. She. Lied. And to make matters worse, she's lying to other people. Telling them it was all a misunderstanding. No. No, it was not. You lied. You stole. You got caught. And now I'm paying for it. This always seems to happen. I finally fall in love with a place and the people. Then I get too close to someone who doesn't deserve it. Guess what happens next?! It's happened more then once. I'm just thankful for my best friend. Despite the ocean between us. Despite the many miles. Despite the language barrier. He understands me. And I should have listened to him when he told me I should stop. Dammit, Neon. I never listen. I'm sorry.

I love CC. I love the people. I'm having way too much fun at times. This should be illegal. Hiki x Masa forever.

I haven't writen in a while. Mostly because I've been too busy. No. I lied a little bit. I keep thinking of the past. I keep thinking of how hurt I was. How hurt I still am. I get angry. I'm so, so angry inside. It's like everything tears at me. Wants to know why. Why?! Then I can't help but to feel that. My failures? I deserved them. I deserve this. Then I just revert back into that empty shell. I can't keep doing this. I can't get over the past. At least I'm trying to look forward into the future. I have a new nickname. I have a new RP. I've met some amazing people. None like back then, though. I just sit here and think. What if it turns out the same? I need to let the past go. I will never know the answers. Because I don't deserve them. ----- But I did tell Mike that I wanted a house today. A real home. I doubt it will help my failures at attempting to be a mother. Perhaps I just need to stop holding it all in. Perhaps... No. The truth? I miscarried. Not just once. But twice.

People keep bringing up old memories. I think it's out of curiosity. I show so much angry emotions from all that. But really, it's all just negative. Heartbreak. Betrayal. Pain. Just a lot of pain. It's not at them though. Mostly myself. I did a lot of things I still regret. This hole will never be completely filled in. Those memories, good and bad, will never fade. Honestly, I miss it. But I'm not stupid enough to ever want to go back.

I can't believe how much of a hopeless romantic I am. I mean, really?! My favorite threads right now are so stupidly romantic. Is it just a girl thing? I think it is. It has to be. My strongest character in term of personality has resorted to begging. Begging to get the guy that she's in love with to come with her. Because he's broken. And she just needs to fix him. It's a good thread! Don't get me wrong. But damn am I so emotionally attached to this. Maybe it isn't a girl thing. I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

I feel detached. Like I'm breaking away from reality. I feel like I'm falling. Like I'm drowning. I don't know how to stop it. Someone stop it. Someone help me.

I love this RP. I love the people. Well, most of them. It makes me happy to be a part of something again. And I'm in the position to help make it amazing. No questions asked. And people respect me. It's so odd to be like this again. But I definitely like it. I also like making a new romance too. Something so simple. And I have insipiration to draw from. Because I am the luckiest woman in the world. With the most amazing husband I could ask for. But Hikari is still a whore.

So, I didn't realize how brilliant the newest HU album is. It's amazing. Perfect. I love finding those rare gem albums. I'd have to say that Lion is a perfect song. God I love HU. I want to see them in concert again. I hate getting older though. Going to concerts doesn't really have as big of a thrill as it did. I'm turning into an old lady! UG! Next I'll be yelling at them to stay off my lawn. Cept, I don't have a lawn... DUN DUN DUUUUN!