alright scott left us i guess. so im leaving this site. i've waited too long for it to FUNCTION PROPERLY. and its frustrating looking at that old blog of his up.

I used to live to see you smile But the tables have turned And now you're the one treading water on hope So lay me down just one last time Make love to me with your violent lust I'm falling in the sadness of losing you My distant love, in a corpse of rusted deception No one can hear this want Preparing to bleed in the back of my head Why did you take this innocence from my eyes? Making my pupils live in disgusted thoughts That burn from both ends of life My own hands have fitted there way On the veins of my throat, As I marvel at how a seed becomes an inflame I love you so much I took your misery I'll love you forever, I throned you in our hell

I can hear the notes breaking in your eyes. It's just another epiologue playing with the words you say. Never have I been so compassed, building our "lessons learned." could you drive me home? This picture is outweighing my senses. But baby, don't worry. You know tomorrow, you'll uncover me black again. I need time to breathe, while waiting for the love to sink in.

My mind is no longer present. I am feeding off the lies they fed me. There is always the same doubt making me lose conscience; making me desolated with thoughts of betrayal. I've waited a long time to be happy. Sometimes I don't feel like praying anymore. Sometimes I want to give up. Words of poetry can't penetrate my mind anymore. I depended on her to be my shelter and love of understanding. Mirror world- I can't stop breathing in sin. I'm tired of trying and divorcing my soul in it's time of departure. The flames are red, and my world is the center of attraction. I don't want the exposure. I want the 25 foot, perverted paintings to cover me from my feet- to the very last static of my standing hair. I'm leaving my body behind I hate the taste of betrayal

he is the most precious diamond that could ever be held. and this betraying stranger is becoming my crowned world; my h e a r t b e a t. when he moves... I move through his soul of new freedom, acception, and speech. I am learning his mind, and seeking a higher existence by finding the grace of god. I don't want to be the one standing without any pride. I can't be the one a servent of infidelity because I know that he won't let me be taken away by the heat seeker. not when my soul is free. not when redemption is here. It is now about the love of you

I can't say that i miss her stench of fear and emptiness I can't say that i miss her destructive converstations, and judgemental arrogance. I thank god that I learned to laugh at stupidity, including my own. last night i went to sleep with the voice of innocence laying on the blood of my empty promises and words. his love once was enough for me to see just him. And with silence eyes----- I've grown numb. Everyone I've killed seems to be a path of blood in my hands. I'm sorry you l o v e me sorry::::Causing sorrow, grief, or misfortune; grievous

failed. failed. failed. i found my weakness but knowing seems to help nothing at all. and i'm s t u c k. and i never want to do the things that benefit me. maybe I deserve the title of walking around with STUPID on my forehead. i live to fullfill the dreams of others. what a concept.

and I wonder who you love... really love

he lied to me. he cheated on me. he betrayed me. and i found out from a stranger on the street that we mean nothing and he said "sorry"... he said "I still love you...she meant nothing" if she meant nothing...than how could he want her, when he was with me (?) when i was always by his side thru everything and i thought i was enough i know kevin better than anyone else i know when he is full of shit i know when he is sincere i know how hypocritical and selfish he is i didn't take him back... i would stay by his side if he was to treat me right and i know i deserve better lecka called me and told me how she is tired of me always being hurt and going to school sad. kevin is lucky i still even talk to him...b/c he is nothing but a fake. i can't hate him though...b/c i loved him at one point. michael has been the one to give me "comfort" lately. he told me he wants to treat me better than all the "other guys." i hear a fucking guy line...even tho he is sweet. I just don't want to put my trust into any1 right now. I'm not ready. Michael is just nice to talk to when I feel like I need the replace of time from Kevin. Kevin had me blind and fooled. i stuck up for him when everyone called him a MUTHER FUCKIN LIAR. anyways, I am having alot of trouble right now placing my time in the things that matter most. i've let myself go. If kevin hurts me again (which i know he will) I will have to leave, b/c tomorrow will be too late. And I know that God has something else in store for me.

kevin is exhausting. kevin makes me weak when i'm with him, i am at my happiest but if he is ever upset i am at my worse i never was a 'cry baby' until i met him and i am beginning to realize, that no matter how much i love him... i know i will have to let go... we both know this isn't the way to love i'm tired of him treating me like i'm nothing. and then coming all up in face, talking about how he loves me. lecka says i deserve better my mom says he is trash meagan says he really loves me nabih says give him a chance and i say... i say i'm falling apart. and things shouldn't be this way...not this often

kevin has allowed me to set myself free. he gave me the strength to let go i'm miserable without him when he is hurting, i have a monotone insanity I could kill for him I could do anything for him The common theme with us, is that we always get back up stronger but today, he told me something...horrible and unchangeable. I wanna cry because I don't know how to feel. I'm depressed...and tho its not my problem, it is because it affects him. I don't know what to say. There is nothing I can do, but be there for him...but i feel like i can't comfort him. "i feel empty" he said... I'm angry at her for fucking his life up...and influencing mine. She didn't care about him, until he left her. Since we have been together, she has never gone away. and now she never will. she fucking left a trademark for me to patch up.

i dreamt of radiant complementary colors and woke up with more well- made mistakes today wasn't bright. he spoke of blue. i screamed in red. no diamond in the world could've changed the frown inside. i hate when i lose control and i can't find a better version of me... the phone rings on, and i go another day feeling exhausted. but my pride wants no one to know... i need change. i constantly need change. i want someone to chaperone me to the next comfort zone, so i can shut my eyes, and live ignorance's bliss. the sirens are everywhere, and i know if i keep running, I'm going to steadily go nowhere... i don't want to lose him i don't want to lose myself i don't want to lose those who have always been there for me. i don't want to lose what i could have and what I feel I deserve

i don't understand how i can write so much about a boy who destroyed me.... but i can't find the words for the important things in life. i look at him, and i don't know what went wrong. i don't know how i pushed him away 2 years later, and I am still not over this I'm over him but every time i find myself at the end of what i thought was a peppermint stick, i find he is the origin of every uncertainty and i don't get how i could've let him change me to the way i am never in a million years, did i ever think i would be the cheater his rejection has been the last but it was him who made me feel sorry for every self-pitying sobbing heart i know what it feels like to have nobody, to have nothing, and to want something real when all there is is a chalk board. START OVER

there comes a point in time... where everyone gets what they deserve. so don't dish the dish without taking out the dew.

i miss my long hair. *cries* new year's sucked "yesterday" sucked. i want out of this fucked up, pedophile world. fuck men. HARD HARD HARD HARD SEX SEX SEX that is all they can contemplate once it goes up. relinquish my tongue, fat ass

just when i think nothing left could possibly be taken from me... more of everything is gone. i'm ready for the vicious cockfight. i'm ready to wear my heart inside out I'm ready to kill the worthless integrity i'm ready to cover my body in fire and watch resistance mold into liquid. this is the grand finale. the last time they try to label me as IMPURE. where do you draw the line? when do you realize...that this is me. You can't change who I am. You can't moralize me under your oath. live my life. then pass your judgement.

it's hard to believe we were all born innocent. everything to me, has it's defects. no matter who is in my life, they always find a way to hurt me...even if they don't mean to. Either way, I don't trust anyone. he'll weigh me down... with "good intentions". I don't want ANYTHING ANYMORE. i don't care. will we burn in heaven, like we do down here?

sometimes you pick my heart up effortlessly sometimes you pray too hard sometimes you interrupt what was once reliable sometimes you are too flawless to tarnish

Hold me now I need to feel complete Like I matter to the one I need His disease rolls off my tongue, and I catch myself in his persona. I grew another shell to elude in my circumstance. SILENCE. I can't say I'm sorry. I've lost my conscience. Everything feels like it has good intentions attached to its forced fed mistakes. And I want it all. Pretty faces left marks under my skin. The only person I can ever kill, is myself.

And when I look into your eyes, I take off my disguise. I'll open up my heart to you and you rip out my insides. You've opened up my eyes, I see what you are truly like. I don't care what they say cause I know that you are mine. You are mine