life is beautiful... and i can't believe the way i keep throwing it all away. i'm almost twenty and already i see my youth slipping away. i always feel like i'm running out of time, but my priorities are atleast RIGHT WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. being a waitress is one big stage act. i have to get better at memorizing my lines and multi-tasking. its kind of like rubbing your stomach with one hand while trying to pat your head with other. i was never one of those kids who could do that. don't get me wrong though...i'm not slow. infact, i catch on really fast. i love the new job...so far anyways. the biggest argument shawn and i have is, who loves who more. he is an amazing boyfriend...and an even better friend. he's pretty much the nicest person you'll ever meet. shawn has taught me alot, and i'll always love him for it. i love him with all of me.

memories. i've been wanting to burn them for sooo long. my heart is pure but my mind is an unfathomable wreck. 2 years later and all i can really say in conclusion is... god is real. this is the only statement that clarifies everything i've been through. this is the only reason why im alive. i should've already been dead.

let me down the bottle of frustration... andrea has lost her mind and is running around with a box of sharp objects. all my life...i've been waiting. im sick of waiting. im sick of being patient. its no wonder people have the golden attitude of whatever happens, happens. i hate when i don't have control. i hate it.

been brain-dead for awhile; starring at a box of Fruity Cheerios...i know without tasting are nasty. my art gallery hangs empty and i wonder when i'll ever think that way again. so lets talk about the good-the bad- and the ugly. the sun used to shine on the tv years ago... now i find myself stretched across drownless creativity i don't know how to capture. a nurse in scrubs i am soon to be. However, the brillant thought in how a hardrive is put together, along with its design drives me most. community college they said was the best route for me. i often wonder how people know the right way...without me even knowing me well enough to know anything at all.

Meagan and I went to Kelly's house today. No one was home. I wanted to apologize to her for everything that happened in the past. Even if I would've turned away with the door slammed in my face. I wanted to tell her how much I have missed her as a friend. I wanted to tell her that I understood why she left...even if I didn't exactly agree with it. I know if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have let things end like that. I guess you can call it livin in the past or whatever, but I truly just wanted to make amends and I wish I would've had the maturity that I have now, then. you live and you learn Sometimes it's hard to understand how-exactly you can grow apart from someone you once knew so well. And you wanna know a secret...it still hurts to have lost Kelly. Her personality, is what made sopohmore year, one of the best years of my life. I was 25 minutes late to work today. I was making out with Kevin behind some random apartment building. haha Somehow I lost my target badge, and my favorite earing within that time. So anyways i can't stand target. I love the people, but the management is the shit. So I'm quitting soon. I might put my 2 weeks in tomorrow. I'm gonna be a nurses aid at the hospital. Well I am in the African American Bridge Minority Program at ASU. It has a lot of benefits for college. I'm really stressed about my life right now. I just want to get things taken care of. don't worry, be happy Abolish slavery, engage in death Gas fills the air, take your last breath Incinerated bodies a mile high Women and children, they were forced to die

7 days later, I'm looking in the mirror, praying to god I've changed...even if no one else can see it but me. why are you still with me? Didn't you see what I've done? I feel Kevin's heart again. He is becoming more and more apart of me and yet I can't help but to love the way this d e t a c h m e n t feels. I can define myself as me. Your kisses blind me I wanna feel the light on my face. I want the world to keep turning. There is a nervous rush running through my veins. I know this next month is going to be one of the most stressful months of my life. I can't afford to fuck up I am not looking forward to going to prom with all those "people." I don't hate anyone, but I don't feel like an awkward night. I just wanna have fun. I don't wanna look back and remember how "that person" still holds a grudge from like grade school, or how "that person" can't talk to me just because we used to be friends. I wish everyone could just act like they are 17 and 18. PEACE BABY

I'm having one of those moments where I'm counting to five in my head...backwards; trying to keep my "inner peace" but really i want to scream exactly how much hate and resentment I've been building up. The raising fear that my voice will only makes things worse keeps me silent. I fail to be symathetic to anyone's dying words, when it comes to the spews of kevin. I think if I saw Melissa right now, I would beat the shit out of her. hahaha like I never thought I could ever hate her. I guess I am just disappointed so much, that she became like everyone else. I cannot believe how she was all up in my face like nothing ever happened and the next day she is back to her stupid immature self. Ooo lord only knows how ghetto i can be when I'm pissed off. disappointment yup. yup. sure, i have changed alot but i still got what matters the most to me. I don't know what I would do without lecka and meagan. And yeah I spend alot of my time with Kevin, but guys aren't guarenteed to always be there. I don't make Kevin my whole life, because then I would have trouble defining myself for who I AM. But anyways, I could never be friends with Mel again. I don't want to. My way of not caring anymore is to go frame her "sorry" note, and laugh at it for hours. Fucking fake. 16 days until prom 19 days until my birthday

i'm home sick today :(> my legs are numb my throat is sore with mucus my head hurts my stomach hurts my eyes are burning lecka, meshia and i went out to eat yesterday, and then we went to target and to see kevin cause meshia wanted to meet him. well we got stranded and had to ride the taxi home. kev said I looked like a lil orphanage kid and he he kept tryna take a picture and callin me a LOST PUPPY. When I got home, I was REALLY REALLY SICK. I couldn't even stand because i was so dizzy. i'm glad i have this day off, so I can catch up in school, cause there is so much to do, it's overwhelming. *edit* kevin's ex-girlfriend is fucking psycho. i added her to my friend's list on myspace and then she leaves f-up comments saying that she can have kevin whenever she wants. She's jealous because kevin is not falling for her games and that Kevin and I are together. She can take her fake pregnancy to hell. oh and she also left kev a message on his phone saying get off his nuts. i should go to california and kick her fat, mexican ass. i went to my mom for advice on my senior paper, and now she is trippin talkin bout kevin's 5 whole minutes of talking to me, is BRINGING ME DOWN. That's the last time, I tell her shit. I calculated how much prom is gonna cost me. $181.00 if kevin and I split it. But if I count everything I've spent on it (shoes, dress...) it's around $400. Er but it will be worth it I guess just to be wit kev

the talk of the school prom. what to wear. what to eat. what to do before and after. hair. nails. diet? hundreds of dollars. nothing but worrying and stress every day for a month...all for one night. is it worth it? will you make it worth it? i didn't spend alot on my dress. I love my dress, yet it's not what I wanted. To be honest I am not caught up in all that anymore. I listen to how much people are spending on their dress, but that is our school for you. that is scottsdale for you. the talk is cheap...it's always about money and material things and who can out do who. I want prom to be special though...and I know it will be even if i was wearing tin foil dress and had to drive there in a taxi. I think I would still hold my head up, because well I just like to stay out of the norm. i had one of the best easter's. I went to church with Kevin's family. I have been dying to go...because I needed the aura and happiness church gives me, by just entering the room. I felt I needed to pray and praise god for just being who he is. I love our bishop he is almost like a mini jesus in my eyes. Kevin and I went to an art gallery, the flee market, crackleburrow, marble's icecream, and IHOP. Seems like we ate most of the day. Kevin and his aunt came over my house for the rest of the night. Him and I played basketball with my brother, while ms. riley and my mom became best friends for the next four hours. So I did Kevin's hair, and by then we were so tired that we curled up together on my floor and fell asleep. When they woke us up, we had no idea who we were. That is the best feeling. school was o k a y, but I have senioritis BAD, and I NEVER WANNA GO.

"No matter what anybody says What matters most is what you think of yourself" Everything bad that happens, is supposed to happen. The mirror can be your hidden prayer.

steven asked me to prom...thru a text message ahhhhhh why me???? and then he gives me a time notice DUE DATE-- of when to give him my answer...and his prom is in 2 weeks. haha yeah right. I'm barely going to be ready in time for my own prom. michael called me today and asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits or "friends as lovers" as he called it. But I can't blame him because I should've kicked him to the curb a long time ago. I told him a month ago, I didn't want a boyfriend, and he just kept trying to work his way around it. I know better than this. I should've stoppped talking to him...some guys just can't fucking keep their dicks on check. I have been listening to Kevin alot lately, instead of arguing with him. And am actually gonna take his criticism and turn into something useful. He told me to get rid of the bullshit...and what I don't need...and that I need to stop being so nice. Kevin has really proved to me so far that he can change. I'm proud of him...I feel like we are growing up together; helping each other up and to come back to reality.

when I'm overwhelmed. i am still. maybe I'm waiting for a bulldozer to simply destroy what's unfinished. i can't do it all. i'm a turd. and I know it's all in my head; this dialogue that clenches hold to fear I am used to my mom kicking me when I'm down. How could I blame her? Atleast she tells me the truth. loser I hate the feeling of sleeping awake.

he wants to invoke my feelings with words that i could seduce any man to simply say so may i define transparency when i nod my head knowing nothing has changed. I'm looking for that extra distance in his eyes, because all I feel is betrayal waiting for another perfect moment. he doesn't want to let me l e a v e but I have fallen out of love and the only thing clear i can see is an ambulance. everyday i ask myself why am i still letting him in my life.... he deserves to suffer and beg and crawl and cry without the voice and love of me. I don't know if I am holding on to something that once was, or if I'm just- really- that- fucking- foolishly nice. But so far my words and actions have shown I am the love he can count on. i sometimes wonder if he is the type of person to rob my dead body.

i turned my phone off. unthinkable i need time to rid the fear i know everything is going to go downhill, and I am not assertive enough to stop it... i'd rather destroy myself. i don't want to hurt people the way I've been hurt before, but somehow I find myself stuck in their starlight beauty, and all I can think about is how to show my real smile. the kinda half smile that holds a tragic side. kevin wants me back. honestly, i thought my morals were shot...me leaving him was the best thing. It opened my eyes to the person I once was when I was innocent. i learned from the pain that he gave me. as much as I miss him...and as much as i miss everything we were, I am not sure anymore if it was real. he is not the person that i thought the world of. I just know I can't go back because he is bad for me. He could make me feel a happiness like no one else could ever make me feel, but then he could make me feel worthless. He could make me feel beautiful, but then he make feel like there was something wrong with me. there were always so many ups and downs. i am sick of boys. i am sick of men. i am sick of lame lines to get me in bed. i am sick of the word "love" being thrown around as a casuality. a 27 year old man asked me for my number today at walmart. all i did was walk past him...i don't understand why i am always the target for older men. and i realize now that it is almost impossible to be friends with a guy and to not have any intimate feelings get involved. antione said to me last night, "look, we're together. your my girl" i go..."is that a threat?????." I have been saying for the last week, I just wanna be single, cause I need to work on myself right now. And my focus right now is school. i fucking just wanna graduate.

there's a feeling that comes over you, when you know that things have changed forever. i called off work yesterday. i would've been too insecure to meet someone new every 3 minutes with my mouth lobsided. i was thinking about getting a new job...completely starting over, but that would let him win. And I won't let him. He wants the cold shivers down my spine, and the desperate cry of being held down by his suave charisma. I don't sit around and think about what would have, should have, or could have been. I sit around and think about how to keep my pride in my heart, and with my head up I am no longer at the edge of the world.

my experienes are making me bitter. BUT i can't help but like the way i am better now... i am learning how to love myself and stand up for myself. The himilation only made me stronger. i am supposed to go out with antione today. we were gonna go to a movie and to a club, but my face is completely swollen from getting my wisdom teeth out. And I don't want anyone to see me looking like a fat kid with cake stuck in my mouth. bleh. I'm hungry and I can't eat. well i don't plan on being with anyone for awhile. I just need time to myself. I think I'm forming some fucked up disorder with as many guys as I've dated this year. So maybe I got what I deserved with Kevin...but I know it will never fucking happen again. not to me...

Seven things that scare you: - falling in love, only to get hurt - rapists - sex addicts - being in poverty - people who have nothing to gain or lose - losing the people i love - tests Seven things you like the most: - Music - Writing - Making Out - Bright Eyeshadow - Photography - Bois - meeting new people Seven important things in your room: - My Camera - Alarm Clock - Diary - Make Up - My Board - Clothes - Cell Phone Charger Seven random facts about you: - I like to dress up - I fall in love easily - Im anemic and I wish I could sleep forever - I don't watch tv. - my cell phone lives in my hands - I'm TOO nice - I stare with my mouth opened Seven things you plan to do before you die: - get married - sing for my church choir - graduate from college(with a nursing and art degree) - get a yellow corvette or a black mustang - fall in love...without falling out of love - save someone from poverty (adopting) - be happy Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex: (that attracts me to the opposite sex??? xDDD) - sense of humor - personality - a guy who can hold a conversation - someone who is down to earth - eyes say everything you ever need to know - large hands - a dark sex appeal Seven things you say the most: - fo real - yeah - um - well - like - FUCK - my bizzle Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign): - USHER - marques houston - johnny depp - michael ealy - kayne west - chris brown - omarion

kevin makes me weak. when i'm with him, i am at my happiest but if he is every upset i am at my worse i never was a 'cry baby' until i met him i think i am so afraid of losing him. there are too many ups and downs with us. i came home, and i was exhausted again. i collapsed on my bed. i haven't gotten sleep in awhile... maybe its affected my brain and the things i say. all i do is worry about him and us, and what will be next. i think i we are going to have to take a break from each other...no matter what i will always love him tho. adrian wanted to get wit me today. and kevin gave him the phone cause he said he's got a girlfriend so he trusted me. i talked to adrian for a 1/2 an hour, and kevin got mad. but most of the time i was talking about how stupid adrian is, and adrian basically wants to make me more ghetto and shyt. i love who i am. i don't need to act like I'm a gangsta and tough as shit, just to consider myself black. i'm me. that's beautiful. ANYWAYS, i don't know what kevin is thinking. i resorted to talking to his bff keith. he called me back at 11:00 or so, but by then kevin and i had already talked. kevin is going thru alot of shyt, so i guess that is part of the reason he is mad at me and is overreacting. i don't ever want to give up on kevin, but i don't know where we are going. i talked to byron tonight, he is doing fine. i love talking to him, because he's so hilarious and we can always go back to the past and make fun of how gay we were. Byron has a girlfriend, and he treats her good. i'm happy for him. well today wasn't that gr8. because too many people talk, and i understand they care about me, but its like get your sources straight. iight i'm too clean and do homework

kevin told me something today. i'm scared for him and i don't know what to do. i don't know how to comfort him this is a saddness i haven't ever felt before all i can do is be there for him but i don't have the words to say i have never gone through what he has urg. and i can't even tell anyone i really need someone to talk to about it on the bright side, things are coming back together but idk if anyone in my life is sad, i feel like i'm in their shoes. I hate feeling like there's nothing i can do about it. be a target team member TODAY! *hugs for kali

kevin pissed me off tonight. so he walks all the way to my house. and he completely discarded my feelings. all i wanted was to talk he is my bff...and i really needed just his voice. but he was all over me instead when i wasn't feeling it... he backed away, but instead of talking about it he calls meagan and tells her to come i love meagan to death, but i didn't want her to come when i was pissed off because how fun could it possibly be for her... its just i think he should've talked about it with me first so i walked away, yelling and mumbling shit in the street and when meagan came, and we picked up nabih the only encouragement he could possibly say is "you have something to be happy about, YOU'RE ALIVE" wow, i can only imagine how great it must feel to be dead then. i fucking don't want to go to school tomorrow. i'm gonna go study, and get the drama outta my head. thank god.... tomorrow is another day.