8:58 Wednesday evening. Thank you for your time. I hope I still have access to this diary in 12 years when my oldest is 16 to remind me of poetry and overwhelming feelings. Over the last four years, my baby has grown up into a preschooler with big thoughts and feelings. We moved to Minnesota. We learned things about ourselves and each other. We moved to New Zealand. We started careers. In July or August, we will welcome another baby into our family. It's been a wild ride. Long may it continue.

11:54 Late Saturday Morning (1 Feb 2014) Use your words. Things about my baby and parenthood now that I'm an expert (ha) 3 months in. So breastfeeding isn't anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be, at least for this baby. Every baby's different though so we'll see if the next one is this easy. But despite being such a teeny early baby, girly is a super good feeder. Yay. I feel really blessed. I feel like I deserve SOMETHING being easy after that delivery. Sleep is a thing of the past. For the first month at least. It's amazing how fast memories fade, but I remember the night she was born, after nearly 40 hours of labor.

10:52 late Wednesday morning (20 November 2013) Birth I feel bad, this pregnancy is all wrapped up and I have very little diary entries to show for it. Well, since October 3rd, Caleb's best friend from high school came to visit (Oct 6-13) with his girl friend on their way to NZ from North Carolina or Tennesee or something. Zeb met his girlfriend while being a counselor at summer camp a few years ago and they've been together long distance ever since. Hmm best friends are more alike than they thought? She went to Europe to see him last year while he was doing a work holiday thing in London. Damn, I wish I could go to Paris with Caleb. Anyway I really really like her, she's a great match for Zeb. Caleb agrees. Plus she's a beer drinker and we have the same tastes in beer. So even though I couldn't drink with her this time I know that when I see her again we'll have a good time, haha. While they were visiting, I had my baby shower on Oct 12 at 36 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I felt really fat but I tried to get as cute as possible. Like legit fat, not just in my belly. my face, my arms, my legs, and my feet were all incredibly swollen and I was just ..ugh. fat. Plus it was getting really hard to walk because my hips hurt so bad. But at all my dr appointments she said "oh yeah, sorry, that's just a thing that happens to some women during pregnancies." Everyone at the shower kindly said I was beautiful though, so..I didn't think about it too much while it was going on (ha, I am so vain...oh well). We played the melted-chocolate-in-diapers game, opened presents, ate crepes and cupcakes with little white chocolate sperms on them, and chatted about how awesome boobs get when you're pregnant. Little girl got a LOT of clothes and blankets...and not a lot of really useful things like cloth diapers (though she did get some!), but hey. blankets are great and I don't have to buy clothes for her until she's like a year old. We still didn't have any of the big ticket items like a car seat, pack n play, etc. but didn't expect to get them at the baby shower (just hoped ;)). The next day we went to SLC with our visitors, wandered around Temple Square and the Gateway mall, got a late lunch at the Red Iguana, then dropped them off at the airport and drove back home. I had wanted to stop at Target on our way home to buy the big ticket items like a car seat and a pack n play..but forgot my gift cards so we got back to Logan sans having bought anything baby related. Tuesday the 15th was my next Dr's appointment, blood pressure was pretty normal (124/86 or something), I was going to ask her like seriously, what can I do about this awful swelling? Even my eyelids were swollen! But then a few minutes into our visit the nurse came in to tell the Dr. that my urinary protein levels were +3 and then suddenly the whole visit changed. Dr said I was probably toxemic (preeclampsia) and would be having the baby by the end of the next week even though my blood pressure wasn't all that high. She checked my cervix and it was somewhat soft and about 1 cm dilated so she felt like doing an induction would probably work. The baby's heartbeat on the doppler sounded fine but she sent me in to the ultrasound office to do a biophysical profile on our baby to make sure she was ok. So yeah. that wasn't freaky at all...I was expecting to make it to term and then some. The biophysical profile showed our baby was completely fine...just very small. She was measuring 2 weeks + smaller than she was supposed to, at the 17th percentile for gestational age. The ultrasound tech estimated her to be about 5 and a half pounds. We could see her hair in the 2D ultrasound and the tech said it looked like she had a mullet. After the ultrasound, I had some blood drawn to make sure my organs were functioning ok - especially my liver and kidneys and platelets. A few hours later the lab called me to tell me that my platelets were kind of low and the Dr wanted me to come in the next day for a blood pressure reading and another blood draw to make sure my platelet levels weren't dropping more. I thought it was stupid that I had such a small baby because I had gained so much weight...I was 174 lbs at that visit. Apparently that's another symptom of preeclampsia though. Anyway, Dr asked me to make an appointment for the next Monday and we might induce the next Tuesday. I was freaked out because Caleb's dissertation was due that day, and that Thursday, Caleb was flying to Minneapolis for a job interview until Sunday, and my Mother in Law was flying in on Saturday. So I was hoping we could just wait until at least Caleb got back from his interview. Wednesday I went in, got a blood draw, had my blood pressure read (it had jumped up to 140/90), and I was still in total denial about the whole thing. I asked the nurse if it was possible I just had a UTI since they only checked protein and not white blood cells and other signs, and decided my blood pressure was high because I was stressed about having a high blood pressure. But she wasn't convinced. I guess UTIs don't also cause small babies and swollen eyelids the way preeclampsia does. I was told to call my Dr the next morning after she'd reviewed my blood work and blood pressure and see what she wanted to do. That night Caleb and I went to Walmart and bought a pack n play and a car seat, just in case the worst happened and we went in to have a baby that weekend. Also, I was put on modified bedrest so I wasn't allowed to drive down to Target and buy them later. Thursday I called my Dr and she said to call Labor and Delivery because she wanted to induce me that day. my platelet count didn't fall but it didn't rise either so she wanted to get the baby out in case my platelets did start falling. So I called L&D expecting to get an appointment for an induction in the evening (After my last hypnobirthing class ideally...we could just go upstairs after class was over and start the process!) and they said to come in right away for an 11 am appointment. I was a bit shocked. Caleb had just left for work 10 minutes before I called and so I called him and told him to come home, we were going to the hospital, then numbly tried to put a hospital bag together. I knew this could take a long time since I wasn't very dilated and pitocin could just take a while to get things going so I packed my tablet for movies, my 3DS for Pokemon Y that Caleb had bought me as a present the night before, my nook to read the Great Gatsby...I was all prepared for a long boring trip through labor. I packed things like underwear and a night gown to labor in (I didn't want to be wandering down the halls in that awful backless thing they give you at the hospital). When we checked into our room I gratefully looked at the bathtub with shower, asked the nurse tech for a pump to inflate the birthing ball, and changed into the awful backless thing they give you at the hospital. Around 11:30 a nurse came in with a nurse-in-training, and I let the trainee try to put my IV in. She poked through my vein on my right hand, but she got it right on my left hand. I'm not sure if I'd be willing to be the guinea pig for another trainee in the future after that. At noon, they hooked me up to pitocin and penicillin and a saline drip and told me I couldn't eat or drink anything but ice chips and popsicles and dum dum lollipops until the baby was born. I wasn't even allowed to drink water or juice, but I could put flavor syrup on my ice chips. Then they hooked me up to a blood pressure monitor, a contraction monitor, and a doppler to measure the baby's heart beat, and was no longer allowed to move from bed except to pee. And with all the fluids they were pumping in me, I had to pee a lot. I was starting to contract a bit, every few minutes apart but not very strong. I was breathing through them and they felt like waves of pressure with no pain, and Caleb was holding my hand and reading me relaxation scripts to make sure I stayed calm and cool. And then they hooked me up to a magnesium sulfate (mag) drip to prevent seizures because my blood pressure continued to climb, and the protein in my urine was off the charts. I was told it would make me feel hot in the face and I said that was fine because I was quite cold. Unfortunately, the mag slowed down my contractions and after a few hours I was getting woozy when I got up to pee so I REALLY had to stay in bed as much as possible, preferably lying on my left side to bring my blood pressure down. At midnight, my Dr came in and broke my water since I still wasn't progressing, and was still just about 1 cm + after 12 hours on the pitocin (though to be fair, I was also going on 10 hours of the mag slowing my contractions down). A few hours later, after I almost passed out on the toilet, the nurse said I wasn't allowed to go to the potty anymore and I'd need a catheter. I did. not. want. a. catheter. that was the whole reason why I'd gone to hypnobirth classes in the first place, so I wouldn't need an epidural, and by extension, a catheter. So I had a bit of a cry about it when the nurse left and then Caleb and I decided that if I was going to have to get a catheter and not be allowed to walk around at all to help progress my labor, that I might as well get the epidural. So at 4 in the morning on Friday October 18, I got an epidural. My anaesthesiologist was tired and had a very terse bedside manner. And the epidural only worked on my right side; I could still feel them fuck up the catheter the first time and get it in on the second try. :( I was starting to get stronger contractions (but they were still very far apart), and I had only dilated to about 3 cm after all of that time on the pitocin. I suggested they turn off the magnesium for a little bit but instead they turned off the pitocin for 20 minutes to let it get out of my system, then turned it back on and cranked it to the maximum level my Dr. would allow. Then at around 8:30 in the morning when my right leg was numb and my left side could feel everything, I got my epidural redone. Then I got some sleep and the rest of the day was a bit of a blur. I was so thirsty and my mouth was getting drier, but I still wasn't allowed anything but ice chips and popsicles and dumdums. I threw up three times, sort of. The first time I felt relieved after I puked, got some water out and felt better after I threw up. A few hours later I felt nauseated again and dry heaved for a long time, got a little bit of bile out but not much. Then several hours after that I dry heaved for ages and nothing really came out and I never felt better. I was begging my nurse to at least let me drink some water so that I could have something to throw up and make me feel better but she said no. My contractions never got much closer than 8 minutes apart really. some were 5 minutes apart and some were 15 minutes apart, but mostly 7-8 minutes. I grew progressively weaker in my limbs, my speech got more and more slurred, and my eyes became harder and harder to focus on anything. The baby's heart rate started dropping significantly during contractions and a Dr came in and decided that since my water had been broken too much fluid had come out and the weight of the baby was putting too much pressure on her cord. They decided to do an amniotic infusion, where they pumped half a bag of saline into my uterus to cushion the baby's umbilical cord. Thankfully that worked, and the baby's heart rate even jumped up during contractions like she was excited. I was very glad because I was really hoping to avoid a c-section. However, as the day grew longer and my progression was at a steady clip of incredibly slow it wasn't looking good. The hospital policy is generally not to allow your bag of water to be broken for more than 24 hours before the baby is born to prevent infection. So they turned off my pitocin again, let it drain out of my system, then cranked it back up to absolute max. I was at a 6cm dilation for a really long time, and sometime during the evening the nurse came in to do a check and I was at an 8. She was really relieved because this was the last check she was going to do and if I hadn't progressed past that 6 I would be prepped for the section. I was relieved too. the contractions were getting stronger and less comfortable, and I was trying really hard to visualize my uterus opening up my cervix. around midnight I felt like I had to poop really bad and since I wasn't allowed to get up I thought I would warn someone so I called the nurse and told her about it. She checked my cervix and I was fully dilated and thinned out and my baby was ready to descend. I was so excited because it meant the end goal was close and I could finally eat something. I sent my dad to mcdonalds to get me a hot apple pie, a hot pumpkin pie, and an oatmeal. Caleb and the nurse put my legs in the stirrups and coached me on how to push. Finally to the pushing phase. I begged the nurse to let me drink some water, just little sips, because my mouth was so dry and I felt like the ice chips were only drying it out more. I told the nurse I'd like to try to breathe her down my birth canal, but after an hour of that I gave up and pushed while holding my breath. or at least, trying to hold my breath, but actually screaming. It isn't that it hurt per se, just that it was really really hard. and I felt awful because my contractions were still 8 minutes apart and I felt like it would just never ever end. I couldn't push unless I was having a contraction (trust me, I tried), and even with the mirror and seeing the baby's hair, I couldn't get her out. I felt like such a failure. She was right there and I couldn't get her out. And she was a small baby to boot, so what was taking so long. The nurse kept saying things like "if you were having normal contractions she'd be here by now" in a tone that was trying to be comforting to me, like it wasn't my fault, but it kind of made me feel bad anyway. The Dr had to stand there for ages, it felt like, and was warning me that once I got her head out it was important that I push again to get her body out. And then finally I pushed with all my motherfucking might and she popped out, head and all, into the Dr's hands at 2:54 am, Saturday Oct 19. It sort of felt more like she slithered out. and she was blue and limp. and she wasn't breathing. and I was freaking out and crying and asking if she was ok; she was whisked into the hands of the NICU team that was in the room and they inserted a device into her lungs that inflated them and made her breathe mechanically until she was breathing on her own. Once I was confident that she was alive, I demanded my hot apple pie. But was told no because I hadn't yet pushed out the placenta. Thankfully it was only a few more minutes and my placenta fell out and into a tub. Then Caleb held the pie for me and I chomped at it desperately while he was telling me to calm down and take it slow. Fuck that shit, I'm eating my fucking pie. While they were doing this the Dr. was stitching me up, I had a small tear but nothing scary. She weighed 4 lb 12 oz and was 17 inches long. We were all kind of shocked because that was almost a full pound off of what the ultrasound had estimated. She was so small she wasn't on the percentile chart at all for either weight or height. she went from 17th percentile to 0. Once she was breathing on her own and they had weighed her and measured her, they put her on my chest and I tried breastfeeding with the help of a nurse. She latched on after much effort and was getting some colostrum, I think (she was sucking and swallowing so it seemed like she was). I thought she was so beautiful. But I couldn't hold her with my arms, they were too weak. And I couldn't see her unless she was about 12 inches from my face, which is the only place where my eyes could focus. I was able to cuddle her on my chest for a little while until they took her to the NICU for monitoring and I was wheeled up to the recovery room, mag and pitocin and saline and antibiotics still in place. 39 hours of labor and finally a baby to show for it. She was in the NICU for an hour and then they wheeled her into our room, I was finally allowed to eat whatever I wanted, and at around 8 am they finally turned the mag drip off because the magnesium levels in my blood were getting kind of high and I was starting to have a hard time breathing. It took many hours for me to feel normal again, many hours before my brain was clear, my mouth wasn't impossibly dry, I could see straight, and I had strength in my arms. I still had the catheter for a long time. My friend Hailey came to visit but my daughter was in the nursery for some testing, and she had to leave before they brought her back. Caleb's lab mates came in to visit too while she was gone, but they were still there when the baby came back, so they got to hold the baby and coo at it for a while. I had visitors on and off throughout the day, and I couldn't sleep because I was too excited about my baby. But in the afternoon, I was told that my baby's blood sugar was low so I would need to supplement with formula. What we did was get a small syringe and a feeding tube, and snaked the tube into her mouth while she was latched on to ease a few drops of formula in with whatever colostrum she was getting. We did this every feeding and it was never an easy trick. Sometimes she took the tube well and sucked down the formula very quickly, other times it felt impossible to get any formula in her at all. But her blood sugar came up so something was working. In the afternoon on Saturday, as the effects of the mag were finally lifting, I felt like I had to pee REALLY BAD. Which didn't make sense, because I had a catheter. I told my nurse this, and she was like, no you shouldn't need to pee. Luckily (?) I had to poop and she believed me for that so she helped me carry my catheter bag o pee into the bathroom and I got to go to the toilet for the first time in almost 2 days. I happily was able to take a nice crap with little problem (probably because my bum was numbed from ice packs and novacaine type numbing creams. Thanks hospital ice packs!), but I had to pee SO FREAKING BAD. I strained and pushed and finally...I peed. A blood clot had formed from when they fucked up my catheter insertion the first time and it was blocking the flow, if you will. I forced that out with much pain and duress, then peed like 2 liters of pee. It was glorious. and very very disconcerting. Pretty much everything about this kid's birth was disconcerting though so, whatever. Unfortunately, the next morning, her bilirubin levels were really high so they put her on this really bright bilibed and I wasn't allowed to take her off except to feed her. So any visitors that day weren't allowed to hold her, and worst of all, I wasn't allowed to hold her. It was really hard for me. Monday we went home at 7 pm , having to take with us a rented bilibed to keep the baby on until her jaundice levels went down and we were instructed to make an appointment with her pediatrician on Thursday. She was on the bilibed all Monday and all Tuesday and much of Wednesday morning. Tuesday morning we took her to the hospital lab to get her blood drawn again for bilirubin levels and were told we'd be called about what they were, if they were going down, staying stable, or what. They didn't call us and when I called the lab I was told to call the pediatricians office and when I called the pediatrician they said to call the lab...so I called the pediatrician the next morning and asked if we needed to go get bili levels checked again and the nurse said no, her levels were fine and we could take her off the bilibed. I was so relieved! But Caleb was worried and not sure we should take her off after all. But I said screw it, I'm holding my baby. Luckily it was a sunny day so I placated Caleb by promising to hold her in the sunlight which would be even more powerful than the bilibed. Anyway....she's doing great now. She's my perfect angel. I didn't know I could love anything as much as I love this child.

12:55 Early Thursday Afternoon (3 October 2013) Breaking Bad Monday we got a letter from a real estate agent in charge of selling the house 3 doors up the street from us saying that the house tested positive for meth. But not any freaking details like, was it a full on meth lab that needs EPA Hazmat decontamination? Or do the walls just need to be redone because the occupants used meth but didn't make it?? It's kind of scary because meth labs are so dangerous and pollute the air and soil of the immediate environment. The people immediately next door to them have a few very young children so I'd be super duper worried if I were them. I might call the agent and ask if he knows any more details...like if he thinks it will affect the home values for the rest of the street (or if just the looks of the abandoned house are doing that anyway). I always just thought the people who lived there were trashy and didn't care about the property (which is a shame, because the people who lived there when we first moved into the neighborhood had the most beautiful garden and now it's gone to shit). On the other hand, the property is about 2x the size of ours and is listed for less than what we paid for our house. It's a short sale at the moment and has not gone into foreclosure, but the occupants have been gone for months. Maybe we should buy it and invest the money into gutting the home and decontaminating it to flip it...or not. We're probably moving in January or February anyway and it will be challenge enough to pack our shit with a newborn let alone all of the hoopla of, you know, hazardous waste operations. But it's interesting to consider. And bizarre, because who knew there was a possible meth lab operation 50 feet away from where I sleep at night. Caleb was so unsurprised when he found out that I wonder if he suspected all along. Anyway that's our neighbourhood drama for the week. The smug side of me wants to say "ha" to the neighbours because we are not the trashiest house on the block now, eh heh heh.

10:17 Late Tuesday Night (1 October 2013) Waiting to Meet You So I'm 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I wish I had kept up with this journal a bit regarding my progress but Oh well, can't go back in time. I obviously wrote about some of the first trimester woes I had; constipation mainly, and then exhaustion on top of that. I was nauseous from time to time but didn't actually throw up until I was 20 weeks in. In late May/early June, my family and maternal grandparents went to Las Vegas, when I was ~15 weeks ish; barely starting to show, mostly just looking ever so slightly less thin than normal. On our way down, Caleb and I went camping and visited Bryce Canyon National Park as well as Capital Reef National Park. Bryce Canyon was completely and absolutely stunning and I found the geography shockingly beautiful. Our air mattress got a hole in it though and sleeping was a nightmare, no pun intended. Las Vegas was gross and stinky as per usual, but it was nice to spend time with my grandma and papa. They taught us Pai Gao Poker, but spend most of their evenings at the poker tables themselves; honestly and sadly I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with them as I wanted. On our way home I think I felt the baby kick for the first time, but I'm not sure. I know for sure I felt the baby kicking the day after we got home. I was sitting in bed reading internet forum posts on account of I'm a nerd, then felt like popcorn slowly popping against my belly. I yelled at Caleb that I felt our baby, and he ran into the room and put his hands on my stomach all hopeful that he could feel it. Unfortunately, the feeling was too small and sporadic to be felt from the outside. I was just over 16 weeks pregnant. He was disappointed. Papa had a heart attack a few days later and passed away shortly thereafter; right before Father's Day. It was a huge blow and I'm still mad at him for dying before he could hold his first great grandbaby. He was such an amazing man, and I'm glad that he went quickly and without a lot of suffering. Honestly, he died laughing over a joke at breakfast with my grandma and uncle, a day after returning home from surgery to have a pacemaker put in. Not a bad way to go. On June 21, Caleb and I went to the anatomy ultrasound to make sure baby was growing with all the right bits and pieces. I was convinced that the baby was a boy, Caleb was convinced it was a girl. the ultrasound was pretty clear that Caleb, as per usual, was correct. He was relieved because we had decided on a name for a girl but couldn't agree on an appropriate boy name. I was relieved our baby was healthy, surprised that it was a girl, and very happy that I wouldn't have to fight anyone to put frilly dresses on my kid; except maybe my kid. It was also around this time that Caleb felt his baby move for the first time. In July, my mom and I went to grandma's house for a week to help her clean out his closet and organize + donate his clothes to a wounded veterans charity. It was really hard to be there without his physical presence, because his love and personality was still everywhere; and obviously it was hard to see Grandma in so much pain because she misses him so much. My Uncle and cousin drove down during the weekend while we were there, and I got to see my cousin's engagement ring and she got to feel the baby kick. August was a fairly "dull" month; the baby and I grew and Caleb furiously continued wrapping up his experiments to finish his PhD by the end of the fall semester. Towards the very end of August I started feeling lethargic again from time to time, and my hips started feeling really bruised and like they're falling apart. I'm not necessarily uncomfortable all the time yet but the front of my hipbones really hurt if I stand on them wrong or try to toss and turn in bed. Caleb made plans for his defense date in September; he's scheduled to give his dissertation presentation on November 19, so I really hope the baby gets here before then. The deadline for his written dissertation to be turned into the grad school and his committee is October 22. While he was sorting out all of the details around the tying up of his degree, he also sent out a great many post doctoral position applications. Sadly there's not a lot of funding in science right now and a glut of PhD candidates looking for jobs. Luckily Caleb is incredibly bright and talented, not to mention articulate and an excellent, readable writer. So far he has received a small amount of interest from his efforts, and one of his top choice labs set up a phone interview with him. About a week ago he heard back from the lab PI, who asked him for an in person interview, which is scheduled for late October. Midway through September, we learned that Caleb's mum had a malignant tumor in one of her breasts and was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma. She opted to have a double masectomy, the surgery for which was completed last Thursday. It seemed to go well, her lymph nodes looked cancer free, so hopefully the surgery physically excised the dangerous cells at hand. We'll know more as the biopsy results from the surgery come back, but we hope she won't have to undergo radiation treatment. Also last week, his oldest brother was visiting while in the US for a conference on his own PhD work. It was really good to see him again, I really like everyone in Caleb's family so it was a pleasure to host him for a few days. Next Sunday, Caleb's best friend is passing through for a week on his way home to NZ from a seasonal stint doing outdoors summer camps in the Southern US. The Sunday after that is my baby shower. :) Then it's a daily countdown to baby's arrival! And...dissertation deadlines, etc. I've been asking the baby to cook as much as she needs to, and that if she wants to meet us face to face between November 1st and 10th, she's welcome to do so. I hope she doesn't bake too much longer than the 10th, just because it would be extra hard for Caleb to do his defense and be in that first week of parenthood. Also, his mum arrives on Oct 26, and is staying until the 26th of November, so I hope they have some time together earth side to bond as well. I'm not sure when the next time we'll have an opportunity to go down to New Zealand will be. Caleb has attended all but 2 of the prenatal check ups with me. he missed today's because there was so much going on - he drove his brother to the airport and we had our 3rd hypnobirthing class tonight so he wanted to get as much done as possible at work. I'm so excited to embark on this new adventure with him, I see him being a really marvelous father and he's already such a wonderful husband. I hope I can continue being a good wife for his needs and learn how to be a decent mum. He's so supportive of me and our baby, and I hope he realizes how much I appreciate him (I tell him all the time but I hope he believes me ;)). We've got a hell of a month coming up in front of us. and a hell of a life after that! I'm mostly looking forward to birth and parenthood honestly. Of course it's a bit terrifying not having any sort of qualifications to be parents, but nonetheless it's something we've both wanted for a long time so I hope it makes our relationship to each other even stronger.

12:03 early Wednesday afternoon (1 May 2013) when the birds sing I'm going to get all mushy again and use this space to gush about how good my husband is to me. he's always been a lot sweeter to me than I deserve probably, but ever since he learned I'm carrying his baby he's been nothing but beautiful and caring to me. even though I often just want to lay down and have a nap he's always doing things for me around the house, like dishes and laundry and cooking. plus his cuddles are out of this world in other news, I dropped an edamame into my orange juice. oh well.

12:37 early Saturday morning (20 April 2013) The one-track mind I found the baby's heartbeat immediately today after being good all week and not over doing it with my home Doppler. It's such a powerful thing, listening to the heartbeat of another human rapidly growing under your skin..Kind of bizarre. Caleb got to hear it and understand what it was he was hearing this time, as it was not as static-y as last week when I found it for him. And the bub was hanging out in a good spot for a long while so we got to listen to that rapid thumping for a full minute very clearly. We counted the whooshing best we could and came up with an approximate heart rate of 160 bpm. Solid stuff, little baby. Good work, mommy's proud. We are Still not settled on boy names. I guess it's fair enough... We still have 6 months to go. It's just that the names I really love, Caleb hates and vice versa. Maybe something like Grey or William. We'll see. I have this strong hunch that this Kiddo's going to be a boy, so I'm always thinking about male-appropriate names. In other news, yesterday I swear my belly popped out and I could passably look pregnant if I was out wandering around in a bikini. Maybe other people would think I just look a lil bit fat but I think I finally look a teensy bit pregnant. In all honesty, even though I miss pooping and beer and staying the same weight week after week, I'm just tickled pink that this baby is so keen on growing and I can't wait to meet the bub come November. :) good damn I've turned into a mushy asshole Hahaha.

3:29 mid Wednesday afternoon (10 April 2013) And another thing If there are two things I miss about not being pregnant they're beer and pooping. Seriously this blocked up feeling is awful. I thought being prego meant morning sickness. I have "luckily"avoided that... But I was unprepared for the constipation. My weight gain so far is half boobs and half poop.

2:10 mid Thursday afternoon (4 April 2013) Yuckiness Probably the bad thing about being pregnant is that I can't take the good meds when I'm sick. I have a nightmare head cold and can't take the nice pseudo ephedrine drugs that drain me out when my head feels like it's laden with bricks. But the good thing is that I'm finally having my baby, and I'm so glad that Caleb and I agreed that now is better than later. Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, I'm still on my parents' insurance until I'm 26, and I get to be pregnant and give birth in a place where we have a massive support network, my family, our friends, our bosses of the last 5 years and so on.

11:34 late Monday night (1 April 2013) The wish that came true After everything An ultrasound beating heart Tears come to my eyes

2:35 mid Wednesday afternoon (20 March 2013) Gambling and Gamboling I've been gaining back the weight I lost in Japan, during those weeks-come-months when I was too poor to eat and too illiterate to know what TO eat. Somehow, however, magically all these pounds seem to be landing squarely in my boobs. Im gonna have to buy a new bra or two soon...! But I'm holding out to see if it's just PMS on steroids and if they'll shrink back to their itty bitty size soon.

When Life Gives You Lemons Sometimes there are too many choices to be made. Where will we go from here? I feel like everywhere I go outside of L town I think, "yes. I could live here." And while I used to wish to fling myself and my family as far away as possible (like that moment when Caleb said "We could go to Japan" and I immediately started thinking ah hell yes), I'm starting to feel like maybe sticking in this region of the USA for a few years would make more sense. Like, ideally...colorado. or even Arizona. Hell, I might even be able to handle as far away as California or central New Mexico. And because of my beloved grandparents, I could even see myself in Texas. Every vacation I've taken in the last year has been me fantasizing about what it would be like to live there. Maybe that's good. Maybe that means that I'm ready to cut my ties and go. Maybe it means I can handle life far away from my sister and my parents. Maybe it means I can live in a tiny rented apartment after having a beautiful garden all to myself for so long. But I just keep making L town based plans... Planting trees and garlic and planning next year's adventures with our friends...So my question is this. Will it ever be real? Or is there no life for me outside of this miniature valley?

Wishes Renewed? Maybe...just maybe...this time it isn't a fluke

And Wishes Take Their Time I'm...disappointed. The nature route isn't really...working for me. It all feels like a shot in the dark. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm broken. I just hope that's not really the case.

So much has happened in the last year and a bit! In october 201, caleb and I adopted a little mutt from the local humane society. She was about 10 months old, weighed less than our (admittedly large) cat, and lept into my arms when I opened her cage at the shelter. I knew immediately that she was ours. Somehow, she was house trained, named, microchipped, vaccinated and spayed at that time. When we adopted her, she was at the humane society for a second time in her short life, which boggles my mind since in my opinion she is the most darling of dogs in the universe. Since then, Caleb and I have taught our now fatter papillon cross several tricks, including important ones like sit, stay, come...and she can dance, shake our hands, give us high fives, jump through hoops, go through tunnels, roll over, and balance on a high board. She is our delight. Though, I'm not sure if the cat loves her as much as we do. In May of last year, I finished my master's proposal and got it approved by my committee. throughout the summer, I finished quantifying proteins in my research collection and then have put everything on hold until I can figure out how to statistically analyze my findings. Basically what I mean is that I've procrastinated writing my thesis/defending for a very long time. In August I had the opportunity to go to Japan for three months, and starting on the last day of August, I found myself in a tiny dorm room in "rural" Ibaraki taking Japanese language courses, an agriculture tour class, and a position helping a fellow master's student in a molecular biology lab. It was an amazing experience, which simultaneously felt like much more than three months and much less than three months. I missed my husband and pets very dearly, but still managed to have a good time. When I returned home, my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby. So far, no good. I'm not sure but it seems being on Birth Control for the last five years and then disrupting all my schedules to go by myself to Japan for three months took a harder toll than I expected on my fertility...so we'll just leave it to nature now and hope it sorts itself out in a reasonable amount of time. Dang I'm so glad sitdiary is back. I have missed it a looottt

10:57 late Monday Night (19 Sep 2011) The Cat and the Mouse Why is it that no one thinks my cat is as awesome and as adorable as I do? This cat is the best cat. He sleeps on me at night. He doesn't try (too hard) to get away when I cuddle him. He chases flies and grasshoppers and thinks that maybe this is the time he can get through the glass terrarium to catch the fieldmouse who has been alive for too long and has had too many esape adventures ending with being in my cat's mouth. He makes me happy. On another note, Thena is gone. and I miss her dearly. I'm surprised I didn't cry when she left, probably because I don't cry around her, she is too positive for tears. I just wish she'd fucking face time me already, GOD. Also, I feel like I'm drifting away from my friends at Tea and kind of drifting away from everything lately. I have a deadline at uni that I don't know that I can meet. and it's scary and I want to quit. I always want to quit. I'm a fucking quitter and I never do a god damned thing about it. I threw up yellow stuff this morning. I thought there might have been some breakfast left over but I guess not. I felt better after I vommed but still didn't go to work "just in case." Then I was tempted to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test because throwing up in the morning for no reason, isn't that usually a symptom of something? But even though I take my pill not very regularly I still had a withdrawal bleed this month (it's almost TMI tuesday so here you go) so I don't think I'm prego. And if I am...I might get an abortion because I've been having a beer every few days lately and I don't want the guilt of having damaged a human child while I was being stupid and making reckless reproductive decisions. Maybe I should go pee on a stick just in case. I keep seeing beautiful art depicting attractive, slim, tall women. I wish I were tall. I'm already attractive and somewhat slim, but to be tall...I could be the supermodel my dad trolled me about when I was 6. eat nothing but celery and crackers and drink lemon juice or whatever it is that models drink to stay at a bmi of 12. Um so I always liked to think of myself as a feminist and think that you should love your body no matter what but the other day Caleb bought me yoga pants that were on clearance but the smalls were too small...and I'm not used to smalls being too small. I can't decide whether I like being the size I am or if I should work my way back to where I was when I got married...I want to be able to wear my wedding dress and I'm getting to the point where It's really, really tight. i don't think it's just that my boobs are getting too big I think my waist is as well. And at the same time when I look at myself in the mirror I think "god damn what a fine piece of ass." and when I see Caleb I think "mmmmm what a scrumptious man" except that lately he's gained a fair amount of weight too...I can see his pudge developing when he bends over to put on his pants. I don't think he is fat by any stretch but I can see him becoming fat (and me becomin fat) if we don't make some healthy lifestyle decisions soon. argh blahblahblah i'm tired goodnight.

12:00 early monday morning (5 August 2011) How can summer leave? Yet I so look forward to fall. Went with some friends to the Ghostland Observatory concert opened by Phantogram. It was amazing. and fun. I was worried it would be awkward, and at times it was. Mostly it was me and my best friend from the latter half of my senior year of high school (specific, right?). Thena and her friend disappeared into the crowd pretty early on. To my surprise, this high school friend hung out with me the whole time...we danced, laughed, watched birds, and partied. I'm glad I wasn't alone...and honestly I like having attention paid to me, I know, guilty as charged. At one point in the concert, it got too hot and crowded in the grass by the stage, so we ducked out to keep dancing in a less people-are-always-touching-you place. It was kind of sad to me, so few people dance to some obviously dance-inducing music. A girl in a cute outfit did come by and say "hey, can I join your dance party?" and she danced with us for about a minute before leaving for cooler things to do. Then a nice (fat, middle-aged) drunk man came wandering by. Drunk Guy (DG) started talking to my buddy, shook his hand and asked, "So is this pretty girl here your lady?" (my thought: aw he thinks I'm pretty!) My friend tells him no, and then DG says something about my beauty (of course alcohol does make for blurred vision..) and kisses my hand. I stiffen and tell him that I am married. At the same time, my friend also says "uh she's married! but not to me." and then nice old DG turns to him and says "well you take care of her, alright?" He laughs. I laugh. DG stumbles away into the night. The concert ends and remarkably, Thena and her friend run into us in record time after the final encore. I was worried we'd have to search ages but their exit trajectory took them exactly to the place where we were standing. We drove Thena to this guy's house where she is spending the night. Once we've dropped her off, the rest of us drive back home. Thena's friend is asleep in the car for most of the way home and my high school friend and I talk about music, and I find that I am having a progressively worse and worse allergy attack (probably from all of the smoke at the concert). My nose was dripping like crazy so I asked my friend to look in the glove box for some tissues. I turn on the inside car light for him since my glove box doesn't have its own light, and he finds all the things I keep in my glove box "just in case" like the pantiliners, make up remover wipes (which smell nice and are essentially the same as baby wipes, ingredient-wise), ibuprofen, etc. And then he pulls out a strip of condoms that Caleb and I brought camping once...and says "well I guess these aren't them.." and I glance over to see what he's holding and say "uh, no..." and don't bother defending myself. So he puts 'em back and we decide there are no tissues so hand me a goddamned makeup remover wipe so I can remove the snot from my nose. GOOD TIMES. It was really funny for me because while I am 99% sure he's a virgin, he still knew what they were...and decided to bring my attention to the fact that they are in my glove box and they are not tissues. I was trying really hard not to crack up so I just changed the subject back to music. oh man. Thena thinks he still has a thing for me and I'd never say so out loud but to feel desirable is a good feeling, I just wish it didn't involve..you know. Actual feelings on the part of other people... and knowing that your actions may be driving another person's sadness. And it was really anguishing for me for a while too because I still hold a flame for him too, even though the thing that never happened between us didn't happen a long time ago. I'm talkin nearly 10 years ago. Maybe if I'd never gone to New Zealand, or if he'd have been a little less shy or if I'd have been a little less mean..but the fact of the matter is that it never happened and so. It also really sucked because I really enjoy hanging out with him. Every time I spend time with him I end up thinking about him a LOT for a week or so, and it really worries me because it makes me feel threatened. Luckily the thoughts dissipate and I just think "well I won't hang out with him again in a one-on-one situation" and everything stays cool. Dyed my hair blue again, bigger and brighter this time. Brighter every time. I really miss being blonde but I'll stay blue until November so I can be Sailor Mercury for Halloween. Thena is leaving for greener pastures in less than two weeks and it's killing me. She'll be gone for 8 months and I honestly don't know what I'll do without her. She is one of my best friends, so level headed and brave. So many things that I am not and yet so wonderful to spend time with. On the same day she leaves, two awesome things happen though. Caleb and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary...I can't believe it has been so long...and then to make me feel even older and more nostalgic, that is the same day as the release of a book for which I've been waiting a literal decade. Oh my god. Sailor Moon's re-release in English, unflopped is coming up! And I preordered myself a copy on Amazon!!! YAYAYAYAYA Also, Hellbell and I have a class together this semester again and she's doing an internship in my lab. Rock on! Maybe now I'll have more motivation to get shit done at work. back to robot unicorn attack.

4:40 Mid Saturday Afternoon (6 August 2011) Plans Change. It's true that a Dec 2013 baby would make more sense than a Dec 2012 baby. One year later, no big deal. At that point maybe we'll have a better idea of where our lives are headed. One year older, one year wiser, no longer in grad school purgatory. Probably with actual jobs and benefits and legitimate salaries (grad student TA stipends are not the same as a proper salary). Hopefully with more expendable income and a nice place to live. Yeah, it makes a lot more sense. at 25 years old and 4 years of marriage, it sounds a lot more reasonable to become parents than 24 years old and 3 years of marriage. But if I'm asked to wait longer than that, I don't know what I'll do. In other news I lost my credit card (again) and have decided, after compiling all of the income/expenditures of last month, that I spend a lot more money than I intend to. I was in range for how much I wanted to spend in general for random crap like clothes and goodies...but totally over the limit when it came to eating out! I decided we need a better system for controlling our finances. So I've decided to give myself a weekly allowance. Once the new credit card comes, instead of putting it in my wallet, I will keep it in a drawer...and instead of his debit card Caleb will use his copy of our credit card on our groceries, etc (for the rewards points and fraud protection). For nonessentials I will start having cash on hand instead. I will have Caleb give me a $20 once a week, so that I force myself to stay accountable to my plan. It seems unfeminist at a glance; the wife's credit card being taken away in favor of a weekly cash allowance while the husband does what he wants. However, it is my plan and I know that he is the far more frugal one of our happy pair and it's high time I taught myself to pay attention to my money.

11:15 late Thursday morning (21 July 2011) I am desperate. so completely and utterly desperate. I don't know why. I wish I was more laid back, more chill, or at least more patient. All I can think about is how much I want to be a parent. How good babies smell. How funny it is when they poop. How I'd be a pretty upstanding mom. How Caleb and I would make adorable children. Who am I and what have you done with me?

8:06 Tuesday Evening (5 July 2011) Clouds in the sky I realized this weekend that I'm still in love with soil. It is the base and sourse of nutrients for my own personal nourishments. The ground in which my home is founded has generously upheld my walls for nearly 100 years, through a few big earthquakes and nearly half of this country's meager history. The soil doesn't care about my politics, and it doesn't care about me. It was here millenia before me, and will be here millenia after me. It is mineral yet teeming with life. it is soft and yielding or hard and uncompromising. The soil is beautiful, and I could hate myself forever for leaving the study of its subject in my academic career...so instead I must promise myself that my living career will be first and foremost grounded in the ground. going home now before i find myself back in the land of depression. play some pokemans to cheer myself up. look at internet videos of kittens and babies.