"it's yellow", i sayy. "for friendship." "for friendship??" "yea. friendship." &then i run awayy.

"well, if it's a sign from the gods, then youu should take it". the most recent lesson was simple: it's okayy to believe in your wishes, your daydreams. it's ok. he is more than a sillyy playy on names. three hours of hell, and something shinyy comes out of it. oh, life, where are youu taking me now?

i now know....how it feels to be reallyy good friends with someone. &know that there can never be something more. never thought that there would be the dayy. feelings can go to jail for a while...but even if theyy don't break out of this jail, they'll still find a wayy to slowlyy drift in between the cold metal bars. happyy sweet sixteen to me. actuallyy the birthdayy was on the eighth, but still.

car. crash, almost. hyperventilation. never forgetting. the look on her. face.

secrets told, emotions surfaced. not understanding this difference. whyy am i not nervous or afraid? &youu said i was "still awesome." it was much more than expected. youu promised nothing would change. &youu are the first to trulyy fulfill that. thank youu for not running awayy. youu have no idea, no idea at all. i would not have made it through.

this time there reallyy was an ending. &with it, the beginning seems forgotten. promises are just words unless fulfilled. left to wait, alone. youu were a lost cause. i should have known, should have seen it all. you're just another heart-taker, a heartbreaker.

youu, the one who can always make me smile. making the stars in myy skyy shine so bright. how do i know if youu will stayy a while? time ahead is boundless, the end in sight. there are times when youu feel so far awayy. sometimes i wonder if i trust too well. do youu care if i don't know what to sayy? would youu help me up if i ever fell? promise me youu will never let me go. infinite memories, myy heart does hold. wondering if myy past sorrows show. around youu, theyy are purged, for i am bold. is there someone out there who feels like me? with her heart wide open, for the world to see.

i need to tell youu that i still believe and trust in youu. because youu were one of the first to show trust in me, as well. plans fail. but i know that you'd never fail me on purpose.

how this works out in the end doesn't matter. just knowing you're here, right now... that's what makes me smile. that's what gives me. a new hope.

happyy places, happyy faces, do theyy last?? never for forever but somehow, somewhere. always found within. "just look, i dare youu." fuck the standardized mindset theyy all have. live not within the days alreadyy set out for us. forget the concept of time; it'll onlyy hold us back. is the glass half emptyy or half full?? just drink the water, for life. and live. perspective is everything in this life. all hurt cancels out with the right one. &pain seems so far awayy, far awayy.

also know as national gain-twentyy-pounds-so-youu-can-have-a-new-year's-resolution dayy. what fun.

whyy do i feel this wayy when i was so sure i moved on. i was so goddamn sure of myself....for once. how else could i scream FUCKYOUU. &walk awayy, smile on myy face. whyy is he doing this?? i liked it so much better. when we weren't talking. it was easier, at least. but he suddenlyy came back. &so do the feelings, yea. head versus heart. controversies. oh myy. i knew this would happen. but what is there to do. besides regret. i hate this. i hate him. i swear it. i lie.

i tell the truth because i don't know how to lie. i tell lies becuase i know youu can see through them.

a dayy i shall forever erase from memoryy. i just cannot believe the Truth this time. it was never supposed to be like that. i was never meant to be that wayy.

i wish that youu would change. it would lessen the chances. of me getting bored of youu. i dont want that to happen. honest.

youu know, that was the most awkward moment ever. it was a different kind of awkwardness, though. both of us in that bathroom, of all bathrooms. reeking of cigarette smoke, that bathroom. the place where virginities were lost. &who knows what else happened. youu were listening to me pee. &i had to ask for toilet paper. and youu gave it to me. &then youu waited. listening to me. so weird. haha.

so that girl seems happier now. i guess she knows i told him. &how upset i ended up. kinda fucked up. how happiness. rarelyy goes. two ways. either she's happyy when i'm not. or i'm happier, &she hates me more.

suddenlyy, everything just seems so overwhelming to me. where the fuck is that pause button in life, ehh?? give me a chance to gather myy thoughts. believe it or not this is me at myy best. or prettyy close, to sayy the least. feels kinda awesome. that i can just think "FUCKYOUU." &forget everything that ever happened. youu &i were never meant to be in the first place. &now i realize. more than half a year later!! i am such a sillyy girl. but i deal, oh, i deal. myy onlyy option. in this life.

"i wanna make youu smile whenever you're sad. carryy youu around when your arthritis is bad all i wanna do is grow old with youu. i'll get your medicine when your tummyy aches. build youu a fire if the furnace breaks. oh it could be so nice, growing old with youu. i'll miss youu. kiss youu. give youu my coat when you are cold. need youu. feed youu. even let youu hold the remote control. so let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink. put youu to bed when you've had too much to drink. oh i could be the man who grows old with youu. i wanna grow old with youu." so typical. onlyy lyrics. theyy sounded so much better coming from his lips. while he was playing the guitar. just for me. sigh. this entryy sucks. next one shall be better. i swear it.

i. will. walk. out of. the fire. unscathed. just youu wait. goodbye. to the past. once &for all. yea. this is it.