two sides fighting to take over me; both of them, evil. caught in between, confused as i ever have been. what do do? to think? to sayy?? to know, even?? she wants me to tryy optimism, like that helps. even that won't work now, dearest, sorryy.. it is so foreign to me, such strangeness. and i have no wayy to begin now. it is too late, much much too late.