As this new thing with Ellison is starting up, it's bringing me to think about the past. What sort of mistakes could I make? Do I really like him that much? I'm comparing this to old ones... Andrew in particular. I'm still capable of getting upset over the fact that what brought new light to my life ended up crashing in a matter of days. I'm remembering how perfect it was supposed to be. I thought I might actually fall in love with him. I had begun eating well and lost weight, I was playing my guitar all the time, writting all the time, drawing, doing everything creative and everything that made me feel good. And I even looked better than ever. He made me look at the world in the most beautiful way, I appreciated everything and wanted to learn so much. I was supposed to help you grow outward and you were supposed to help me grown inward, remember? What the hell happened to that hope and joy and love. I swear to god it was all there. I was crazy about him, I had panick attacks over him! And then I think... wait, I still do. I don't know if I've said this before, but I went to register at school the other day. I arrived late, without my papers, and saw Andrew at the end of the line and then had a panick attack. Whyyyy does such a stupid boy have to mean so much? I must still be mad at myself for ruining it. There's still that stupid lingering question that every human hates of "what if?" What if I had been a nice girl and accepted his flaws. He would have grown out of it if I would have stuck by him. But in truth, I'm probably too harsh for him. I would have broken his skin a thousand times over and still not feel sorry. I wish people would stop giving me this power. I don't like it. It's scary. I honestly don't like Ellison like I liked Andrew. That worries me. But I like Ellison, I do, a lot, as a person. Maybe we're meant to be just friends. But how do you find these things out? I feel like something's going to happen, it's just a matter of time. And I'm so sure I'll screw this one up. I'll get bored, bitchy, annoyed. I really should stop dating until I'm out of highschool and mature enough to know what the hell to do. Sometimes the old fashioned days sound a whole lot better.