I am really uninspired by the fashion industry in general. What's the purpose of it all? How does it help us to become better people; how do our spirits grow from it? pretty is not pretty. pretty is meaningless.

Every time I look at you all I can think of is the line "You're so fucking special, I wish I was special" from the song Creep by Radiohead. You are so very fucking special and I wish I was enough for you.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK YOU ASSSSHOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYYYYYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

cute guy hit on me and i just wanna make out. hell yeah.

I'm fucking sick of this world. my head hurts and my soul aches to see everything that is happening around us but nobody cares. can't anyone else see it? people go through some many things to do something decent for themselves and then you got these rich kids shopping for fucking two thousand dollars of insignifant clothing. what are they gonna do with that shit? wear it, make it a part of their bodies that will nevertheless always age and then throw them away. what could other people do with those two thousand dollars? buy food for a year if you ask me. food that will help them survive and actually have a ultimate purpose. but we dont care in this society and it makes me sick how cold we are. and if you ask them , they will say. "well, somebody has to go through it" or 'it balances the world" what the flying fuck? are you fucking serious? Why are we so tangled in problems that are not even real and blinded to the world around us? I feel so small and insignificant and unable to make a difference and it saddens me. I want people to realize so many things but they cant . why must we be like this? ruled by fear in a society that drowns us in consumption and hatred? ruled by racism, sexism and our inability to missunderstand one another? My brain seriously hurts from all these thoughts and sometimes I can't sleep wondering if the world will ever be a just place. or at least a place where people try! when will we realize that we're spending all of our time and effort in things that will fade away ? things that don't matter.

so. this year has arrived. and im hopeful for new, fresh and exciting things to happen. not that my life is a bundle of excitement..and that's exactly my point. Lol. im 19. Im graduating this year. Finafuckinglly . I have no boyfriend, and ive decided thatim no more than friend material. Although.. I have this friend with benefits. I feel sorta bad, he's kinda really into me. I love him dearly, but i made it clear i dont want to be in a relationship. Clear. I'm into the wrong guy. He is much older than me and it's driving me mental (taken from the movie "it takes two' which i recently watched with my good friend Emily) . it's a pyscho-logical thing.. I need to take on the challenge of being able to capture the attention of a successulf (and sexy as hell-or at least according to me- )individual who wouldnt otherwise even look at me. Needless to say, im a big fail. I have no Game, as Sarah would say. One day he told me i was cute, but apparently i took it the wrong way (conclusion drawn by me), it did mean nothing. I will see him again tomorrow, and although i dont want to admit it to myself, im anxiously waiting to be in that moment where my stomach feels a little weird, where we unintentionally cross stares and pretend that we dont want to make out with each other. It's not that he is not into me, per se, it's just the situation. It is wrong by all means, and i can see that, i understand it.. and i still want him.

its almost 4am. another night of not getting enough sleep, not that i care anyways. My days are empty, my nights are empty. everytime im around a keyboard, silence and the nightsky i know im ready to pour some bitter emo life crisis crap. i know a lot of people feel this way, I might the one to not be afraid to say it out loud, but everytime you face your conscience at night you ask yourself the same damn questions i do. So who's truly my friend? You might have a true REAL friend who sticks by you and understands you and blah blah blah but i dont. And what are you gonna in your life? I sure dont know. or i know, but im too afraid to proceed. Am I good enough, am I good at all? Why is it so hard to accept myself or get people to accept me for who I am? Well im the best motivational speaker you will ever meet. Im good at telling people how great and precious they are, how unique they are, how im always there to listen. But i dont think that of myself, i think im not good enough. Im too this, too that, im never what people expect. I disappoint everyone around me, i piss people off. Im odd and awkward and dont like to be rude but come off as rude for trying to be polite. I cant identify with anyone my age[18] because they seem to live in this senseless era. i cant even express my feelings because i dont want to bore anyone, or maybe because there isnt anyone there to listen to the kinda nonsense i can offer. I hate peer pressure. I dont like to be sensitive, but im traped in this crazy enviroment i dont understand. Im lost, i dont know what to do. I dont know who to look up to. I want to be somewhere different, but something inside me is telling me that no matter where i am i wont get to be happy. I want to be able to BE who i am, who i know resides inside me, without the constant fear of being judged by everyone else. I know that judgement shouldnt be an obstacle. I know, i know, i know. theories are my specialty, but i dont know how to live them.

I'd like to make this summer memorable. i wanna do something outstandibly (if thats even a word) outrageous. I wanna go to another city and walk around the streets and meet new friendly people who wouldnt mind sharing a story or two. or what about cuba? i dreamt one night i was diving in the clear waters of cuba ( something that later became a really weird dream). yes. lets go to cuba! but not this year. this year? hmm. i wanna fall in love. but its impossible for me. so no. i might just wanna go to some hidden beach at night where the stars are visible and the moon looks back at me. and lay down, and tell some really funny jokes. and as cliche as it might sound, i wanna laugh until my stomach hurts :) and be disconected from the world I know, into some beautifully crazy unknown. after that i can camp out and get eaten by a bear.. or not, i dont think that'd be fun. i want to get to know him.

Im here. sitting on my bed.. thinking about a million things i should be at school.. but i just didnt feel like going today im reading a poem's book my friend gave me I should be more responsible and go to class but i have missed a considerable amount of days for the past 2 months and i have 85 in all my classes that doesnt make me smart.. i have studied that before so all this repetition is stuck in my head im tired of everything. i want to sleep for three days straight i want someone to love me.

I feel frustrated because I can't let you go. I'm trying not to love you and to forget about you because I'm clearly not a part of your life anymore... and that's what hurts the most.. knowing that you couldnt care less, that you have left me to the side. Why am I holding on to this? Maybe its because I have never had a connection with someone like the one I had with you. I can't explain the emotions that ran through my body everytime i kissed you. I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest everytime I saw you.. and to this date, two years later, i even feel that way when I see your picture or your name. [Why do feelings exist?] But I'm commited to move on, even if it's the hardest thing for me to do. I'm commited to forget your name, your face, the smell of your skin, the way you looked at me, your kisses, our moments. My name is R.M. I'm in love with a memory BUT COMMITED TO MOVE ON.

I'm too skinny. Not on purpose, I just look like an 18 year-old trapped in a 14 year-old's body things i don't like: My nose is too big and round My eyes are too small My legs are too skinny. thighs are OK but i dont have a whatitscalled My teeth are crooked my ass is too big. yes i said it i have zero boobs MY HAIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Things I like My lips My boobs [yes i like them like that] my eyes. not size but colour my skin colour my nails my feet

So I wonder why I'm up so early. well right now it's 11:07am but I woke up at 7:40. I had to go to this place to volunteer... but people were rude, so since i was going to start today i decided not to. Why? I will not be a bitter person just because of them. So Elia told me she could get a job for me at her office since she needs a lot of help. cool. God is good. Now i can use my saturdays to go to this psychology thingy training .. to know what to do in case of a crisis, how to help. I'm thinking of getting my G1 soon, I'm tired of this noID nonsense. Someone told me i look too skinny today.. sigh. I like my new Bible I like the sky and stuff I feel bad sometimes, it's like im neglecting tumblr because of sitdiary. so i've decided to post my entries.. or at least the ones that don't sound too psycho [haha] in both sites

ok. what is this weird sound outside? it feels like a plane is gonna crash against the builing.. :s it's kind of gone now. phew, it was scaring me so today it was a long day.. i went to the beach with Paola and noone else.. yeah i for one second thought it would turn out kind of awkard but to my surprise i had a really good time.. I think i did jugded her wrong, she's an awesome girl, a little young but awesome. After that we met up with Paola's boyfriend and his twin to go to this guys house for a party.. a cuban's party. you know how those are.. haha.. half the jokes i dont understand.. but the ones i do understand utterly crack me up. I thought for a second of actually paying attention to Adrian and being together. you know. but now that i think about it.. i dont really like him. and im so weird. if i dont really really like someone.. i can't get together with him.. its like i need to be with someone who drives me crazy [NOBODY :S ] tomorrow im definitely not going to centi... i wish i could go! i do.. Church is always good. BUT those people make me feel awkard to the max! i get there. service happens. afterwards they stay talking and chilling and i have to akwardly leave because im not part of their group.. its kinda weird! hahahaa on sunday im going to the SUBA club. something tells me im gonna have a LOT of fun.. hope everything goes good :s what else? i want a kiss :'(

It felt to as if I hadn't been on this site for a year. Turns out it was only a month... haha oh how i enjoy my writing. I was checking my previous entries and damn i do sound a little emo, but they were written without the fear of judgement, pure raw emotions, things that i don't tell anyone, and from what i can see.. My emotions aren't that good. In this previous month, and whenever i hadn't written on this thing, things have happened. but not a lot of things, just certain forgettable and unremarkable details i got tumblr: i get terrible distracted with posts and pictures, interesting stuff. I'm glad there's a place to express yourself in different ways... not that im saying that it's better than you sitdiary ;) Im still friends with the Asian girl: she's cool.. i havent gone to centi lately.. i think im trying to avoid the "Akwardness" hahaha. i havent talked to jimmy in a while... maybe a month or so.. i miss talking to him.. mostly when i have free time to remember things.. i dont know what to think of how i feel. i feel i love him. i want him. i feel i cant forget him. but my mind is telling me to let go, and even more, its telling me that i might want to hold onto him only to have someone who actually loves me -even though im doubting that now- Love, such a funny thing. I dont wanna get involved anymore. I think Ill just become asexual. yee. I need a job for Christ's sake, im really broke, and im really lazy too, why why!? I need to wear my glasses often. damn why can't I learn !? I need to volunteer. I need God,. i need to STOP doing bad stuff.. erg why is it so hard? why do I have to be a human being and not like a CAT?! I went shopping a while ago. it made me very very satisfied and now im in extreme need of that money. ironic. what else? Oh Guys are jerks in this glorious first-world country. i havent had a boyfriend for a year and i wont have one until .. umm never actually and im outta here. but before i go. i must pay my dearest respects to a person i knew Salvador , Rest In Peace..

Breakdown. the title is exactly what's happening to me right now. I haven't cried in a while. I used to cry all the time before, but lately i have been optimistic and preparing myself for the great amount of work i will have to face in a while. I've been going to Psych classes too. My teacher is a genious, and after each class i think to myself : "I can do this!." So Im not crying about my future right now, I know that i can do it. I'm crying about something else. I hate facebook. reminds me of how much fun people have while im here friendless. Yet i have the urge to look through photos and torture myself. Why do I do this? i dont know. I used to have two best friends. One was the person who i was the most comfortable with in my life... the other one, like my sister. Thanks to these two people i rarely felt alone, and when i did.. I could get over it really fast. well, its not like that anymore. I am alone. and this is surreal. Im trying to convince myself that this is a dream and that ill wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine. But everyday i come to face the sour taste i felt the day before. I dont want to be part of the crowd, I dont wanna follow masses, I dont wanna act stupid, I dont wanna be seen as the important/cool one. I want someone to care for me. I want a real friend, someone I could make my stupid comments to, Someone's shoulder to rely on. And not because Im a dependent little weak girl, but because Im a human being. I need a friend. My heart aches. Literally. I'm not mad at them for letting me go, Im concious of the reality of the world. Im mad at being pathetic. Im mad for not finding anyone. Im mad for being different. I am different. I feel like im worthless, if I died tomorrow, noone would care. shit.

Im so tired of this. Im tired of being a fucking loner. AM I THE ONLY ONE who doesnt have ANY friends? Im sure im not that boring! .. Im 18, shouldnt i be going out to enjoy life like my little sister does? but i dont. I have zero future, im stuck here.. my "youth" is fading away.. i hate HATE this shit! i hate this country!!!!!!!!!! but mostly i hate myself.

I'm crying so much right now. i think the worst pain is the one that comes after screaming to the world how you feel and not being heard. or even worse. not being understood.

great. my life could not get any better. and of course im being sarcastic. Turns out that my little sister thinks that at 14 it is ok to show up at her house at 5:45 in the morning. i feel like punching her in the face every time i see her. she's a brat that doesnt care about anyone but herself. shit. you know the worst part of all? i have to share rooms with the little demon. and she snores loud as fuck.ahh.

i hate myself right now. and always. why cant i do anything right. im so inscure. so stupid!! im a mess!!

Por que ya no estoy aqui, mori, mori el dia que te fuiste asi de mi, no estoy camino por las calles sin pensar, oigo sin escuchar, abrazo sin sentir, soy el unico muerto que puede caminar Por que ya no estoy aqui. R.I.P I love you dad, always will.